- Member Since 15th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Jul 20th, 2023
Mystic_Knightwolf
I write what I like to write and I just hope you like it too.
Mystic_Knightwolf
Joined 15th Oct, 2012 ·
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Here is my first submission to this site. All I gotta say is that I hope you all like it.
Let me say this, description is king. You start off okay, for the first few lines, then you immediately say you recognize 'Nightmare Moon'. How did you recognize her? What physical traits said who she was? I assumed relatively early on that the male character was human, Damien being a good give away. Heck, I know more about Damien as a woman then as a man. You also throw a lot of knowledge out there as if it should be simply known knowledge. One thing you give (for instance) is that humans are magic resistant. Also in the description, it wasn't until you had Nightmare physically choking Damien that I realized she was either anthro or human, and until she said Luna liked to spy on humans, I was confused. You don't need to go into extreeme detail, but try and flesh out your world. Make it breath a little. You also want to try and stay in the same perspective. Either stay full first, second or third. Switching perspective is almost always a bad idea.
Overall, you have a very good start, but the devil is in the details, of which, you have plenty of devils, but very few details to hide them. If you have problem writing as if you are a woman, remember this, if you can describe it in third person, reword it and you can work it into first person. For further help, please look up the group: Proofreaders and those willing to proofread.
had a little trouble reading this. the change of perspective not really helping any. Especially with so little detail of the person. it's a bit of a twist to see a genderbend so suddenly though the supposed rape was expected. it's wasn't bad just seems...off. I think the biggest thing was the 10.5 foot tall goddess raping a (I assume) average height person with no more refrence to the size difference.
DAMN IT!!!
I can only thumbs up once.
Great story, keep it coming.
Preferably a sequel to this.
2176617
Porn doesn't need plot.
2178944
true, but I didn't talk about plot, I talked about details and perspective.
2178944
No, porn DOES need plot. lots and lots of plot.
drunktiki.com/wp-content/plugins/imageExtractor/thumb/400x220-I-watch-it-for-the-plot-500x500.png
218467325.media.tumblr.com/c8a527d473f1ecce0c28478cceb6fffb/tumblr_mfmb9fzaIQ1s0yxp5o1_500.jpg
So...not to be completely negative, but...
Pointless, self-insert, wish fulfillment porn-story, right?
1. Pointless in being that there's no real plot, aside from kinky sex/rape; if there was an actual plot to it, focusing around romance, conflict, horror/torture, and -yes- erotica (is sometimes used in tandem with romance), great! But there's none.
2. Self-insert; don't tell me, Damien's you, right? Unless you've got a character sketch out there somewhere for your OC.
3. Wish fulfillment; banging Luna/Nightmare Moon, especially since they seem to be anthropological-ponies. Though the whole gender-bender thing did make me do a double take.
4. Porn story; pointless to read - see 1.
¬
Mike.
I came!
wait was this anthro or not? cos since when do ponies have hands? 
still a good clop
2199952 it was antro on human, at least that's what i got from it.
love the story
The general content and title of this story reminded me of a little song...
2200428 thanks
oh and BTW I am not male.
I hope it helps that I pointed out the contents if this fic in the description.
This story was awesome need another where Damien desides to stay a woman and marries nightmare moon
2233612
I'm... interested in that idea. I might just make an alternate chapter showing that.
2234762
Wunderbar
This story is already in my read again tonight folder.
..........I...... I don't know what to say. I was so confused. But it was stîll good either way.
2243319
What exactly made it confusing?
2247817
Well, first it was he, then at one point it said me. And then it was she.
2247857
I do have a bad habit of not proofreading, and some things are just oblivious to me, presumably since I'm the one writing it. I'll look over it.
I love how you just forced the gender swap in there for seemingly no reason at all.
If you're gonna write a femdom fic then write one, don't suddenly change it to lesbian in the middle.
Also:
Damien was covered in a bright light before he felt himself change, my whole body tingling in a bright flash of light.
Self-insert fail.
2326137
Sorry about that. I've been looking for that mistake for a while, but I just kept gliding over it. Lemme change that.
And the gender swap piece was kind of a way to disarm Damien trying to resist. That, and a femdom gives (Me, at least) more vivid imaginations.
Sploosh!
i think this story is worth my time
well, what can you do to break a man's pride? you take his manhood and make him into your bitch, what a nice concept you've displayed here
damn... when she demands satisfaction she demands it.. like a boss!
2577494
Eeyup. Any man I can think of would be pissed if their manhood was taken away.
I must ask, are you a woman? I'm not gonna go off on a tangent about how this is insulting to women but you focused a tiny bit on how his will was weaker after he turned to a woman, I've met a lot of strong will women. Maybe a specific reason like new hormones or something would have helped. I personally don't mind much, since this is a clop story and it was a good clop story, but there are people who do mind.
Oh, and listen to Higherbleach.
2703592
Well, I'm a guy, and If I did make anyone feel insulted, I do apologize.
Hell, I'd have no friggin clue what to do if I was turned into a chick. As said by Dragaean, one good way to take a guy's pride and bend him to your will is to take his manhood.
meh... would of been better if he was a guy all the way through.
Source for image?
Please
3335078
search google for 'nightmare moon anthro'. Should be page 1 or 2. Or just copy the one on this page.
3594094
I mean no disrespect whatsoever, but did you even read the bottom half of the description?
nice one. I would hungrily request more of these stories from you.
I want a part 2
From the description, I can tell I'm gonna love this.
4496028
Did ya?
4496635 Duh. Kudos. Make more. Now.
What are you waiting for, knave? WRITE!
The writing is...a bit stiff. It isn't really exceedingly great, but the fact that I can tell it's average sort of ruins it for me. You tend to repeat word usage, like 'shear', (which is wrong in the fashion you use it for all mentions of (properly 'sheer')) and it tends to bring you out of the mood of a clopfic. It's ok...it just isn't what I was looking for.
Edit: There isn't really any rape in here either. It swiftly becomes consensual over the course of the first bit of sex between Nightmare and 'Damien'. I'd actually like to see slice-of-life chapters of this...as in...not clop chapters...it seems like it would be interesting.
Overall, a well written and entertaining piece. Buuuut there are a couple of glitches that make it... imperfect
One: You keep calling Nightmare Moon "Nightmare". Nightmare as a name just makes me think of the Azure Knight from Soul Calibur.
Two: Turning into a women would stun you, but not paralyze you to the point of being incapable to react. Considering he apears to have lived in Equestria for some time, magic shouldn't really stun him so much. I know the first thing I'd do if I was turned into a girl by a lusty, predatory night-demon is cry out in fear... I mean, demand to be changed back at once.
Three: Seventeen... Goddamn... Inches. WAY too big for any human female. I remember reading somewhere that a girl has the most pleasure during intercourse if the male is about eight inches. EIGHT! Miss Moon is more than double that, so all Damien should feel is pain, if he hasn't gone numb and started bleeding. Heck, at twelve inches, her knob would be one sixth of my height. Adding another five inches is going to hurt like nothing else, especially if s/he is a virgin. So no, there should have been no pleasure experienced by Damian at all.
4871427
Well, this is more for stories honestly. At 17 inches, he'd be dead. With A LOT of training you can, dangerously, take that much anal-y, but that much would rip through the uterus, and she'd die from bleeding slowly or from suffocation (?) rather quickly if she's small enough that it also hits the diaphragm.
Internet smut isn't exactly known for accuracy usually.
4925752
magic.
4871427 motherfucker this is a world full of magic, science don't count in this universe
Id probably hang my self after that
I did a spit take reading this line