The Random257 stories ·32 members
The Good Crossover List209 stories ·1,277 members
Cadence's Library10,502 stories ·1,374 members
Fluttershy's Library3,901 stories ·812 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
"Knowledge created you, and it is knowledge that will seal your fate."
Stuck in a world she could only have dreamed of, Twilight Sparkle is confronted by the Daedric Prince of knowledge himself, Hermaeus Mora. She is given a challenge; Reach the Summit of Apocrypha within an hour or her mortal form will be killed off and she'll be stuck in Apocrypha for eternity.
Picture and inspiration from Cambalt.
Page generated in 0.098 seconds
Total duration
1,031 users online
2,184,933 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
And it appears Mora has hijacked the Matrix...
There needs to be a sequel.
yep. she is gonna die.
Crystal Ball - Candlemass
2 things:
1. As the resident /r/teslore representative, your story checks out.
2. I don't think anyone's done a decent 2112 story, so get on that.
Truth and lies are only as real as one presives them. destany and fate clame to be unchanging but the fact is no matter the choices you do make you always wounder what if i did the other... So now the a new choice that ma damn your soul to darkness or change you forever do you take the wiced ofering or return to whens you came never to know what could be?
How.... Evil. It's awesome!!!!!
If you're going to bring Deadric Princes into Equestria, then I fear for reality when Pinkie and Sheogorath team up.
It's a cheese party for all!
2263105 Wow, thanks. Maybe I will get to that...
Hmm, this fic is pretty cool. But it has been a while. I'm assuming you won't be continuing this?
3040578 I'm doing other things now, but it will happen. I've always loved the Soul Cairn (hint hint)
Ever since it got rejected by EQD I've forgot about it, I'll admit, but don't worry. The sequel will come.
3040750
I come from the link you posted in EQD! You have requested that someone look at your stories and give them an opinion. I, The Magnificant and Terrible CtrlAltDeleteMan, am here to do just that. A word of warning, I am going to be completely and totally honest with you. That's the only way that I know how to give advice, so don't hate me for saying bad things about the fic. Also, I am by no means a profesional, so don't take my word and my word alone. You could make mistakes and so can I.
With that said, let's begin.
First off, you picked a great place to start, you dropped her in the middle of it without a word of warning. I hate fics that are too slow to get on with the main plot. BUT (and that's a big but) I feel it moved a little too quickly. Like the descrption of Apocrypha, if I hadn't played the Dragonborn DLC, I would have barely in inkling as to what it really looked like. Flesh it out a little more.
That's it? Thats how you introduce the main plot point. Too. Quickly. The dialog for Herma Mora was perfectly in character... save for that one line.
Once more, flesh it out. What was the maze like? Did it twist and turn like a snake? How did Twi feel walking it? Did the close walls feel claustrophobic? I don't know if you don't tell me!
NOPE. Nopenopenopenope...Any number not in the upper thousands you write the word for. That's like one of the Ten Commandments of Writing.
Don't use the word "quickly" twice with so few words in between them. It disrupts the flow of the paragraph.
Imagine I konked you on the head with these next three words FLESH. IT. OUT. Could three miles up a burning mountain be THAT uneventful?
And this is a classic example of show vs. tell. Don't write "Twilight felt angry." Write out the physical evidencemof her anger. Gritted teeth, boiling blood, all that jazz. You also use just the word "anger" a lot. Get a thesarus! Rage, fury, hatred, frustration. Liven it up a little.
Also, the use of pictures is lazy. That's the point of writing. Paint the picture with your words! Some others would disagree, but that's my opinion.
The ending was a good idea, still in character for Twilight. But something I had not predicted.
All in all I give it an honest six soul gems out of ten. Not some of the generic TES crossovers I've seen, but still a long was from EQD standards.
I hope you got a little insight to your own writing from this little review of mine. My goal was not to insult you, but give you constructive crtitiscim and help you improve your flaws.
So goodbye, and thank you for flying Air-CtrlAltDelete!
3048435 Constructive critsism is always welcome with me. I'll take everything into consideration for my later fics. Thank you for reviewing!
I think you captured both Twilight and Herma Mora spectacularly. I sincerely hope you plan a sequel.
Funny, I can do Herma-Mora voice impersonation. So i read this (and his parts) in his voice. HAHAHAHA.
I can't take the suspense, what choice did twilight make, please tell me
4275715 to stay,
You... you monster! Why would you leave us on such a cliffhanger? What was Twilight's choice?
I need to know! Write MOAR!
Please?
2262589
3040578
3362023
4740837
4275715
The sequel to this story, Chasing Echoes, is now up.