Being obsessed with the great and powerful Trixie, this how I felt the episode "Magic Duel" should have played out, adding in a little darkness.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 24th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 11th, 2013
RubyRed Phoenix
I used the story "cupcakes" to scar my friend for life.
RubyRed Phoenix
Joined 24th Aug, 2012 ·
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I think you forgot story tags.
First time, I didn't know what would be appropriate. Sorry.
Pretty decently done overall. I'd just suggest improving on keeping verb tenses constant, more vivid descriptions, and more lifelike actions and reactions between lines of dialogue.
I found this story boring.
The problem with it is that the character motives are very thin. It made me not care about what was going on.
Trixie is basically unexpanded from the show. Sombra (who is not an alicorn, so why is he on the alicorn amulet?) just wants to be an evil bastard, and Twilight is just sitting there the whole time thinking 'What the buck is going on?'
You should also have addressed the issue that if Trixie is suddenly so strong willed, she can defeat an ancient magical creature in a battle of will, why did she feel the need to fake having power in Boast busters? Has she grown since then?
I'll guess you just wanted to write a quick Trixie fic where she acts like a badass and defeats something, but this story didn't really achieve anything.
"This story didn't really achieve anything."
For you that may be true, but for others it's not. It has eleven likes and a few faves, I would call that a success for a first time writer. If you're looking RubyRed to improve in his writing you should try to be more nice when giving criticism. Could the story have been done better? Yes, but this was wrote within one week and by a first time pony writer so I think he did a good job considering those conditions he was under.
I apologize if I sound like I'm chewing you out, but I just wanted to provide another view point.
I liked this. I wanted to see Sombra controling Trixie via this amulet when the actual episode came up. I was really disappointed when the amulet had nothing to do with him. I'm REALLy dissapointed that it looks like Sombra's not coming back!
But anyways, this was nice!