Very, Very good first chapter. I really enjoyed it, no problems as far as I can tell. You wrote it really well, good premise, good characters, good story. All very enjoyable too.

Keep up the good work, I would love to read more of this story

Only thing that caught my eye was this line:

"'How does she even know you’re watching her?' the woman asked confusedly."

"Confusedly" just doesn't sound right, maybe something like "asked in a confused manner" or "quizzically", possibly even "the women questioned, hints of confusion evident in her voice".  That was the only thing that I can remember making me twitch.

Also, interesting premise, I mean, how hard must it be for a villain to retire, heroes carry all sorts of weird grudges.

An evil overlord moves to Equestria for his retirement and shape-shifts into a Griffon? If this isn't the coolest plot ever, I don't know what is

-Glassed

Something about this just clicks. Like, this is the fic I was destined to find and read. I don't get that feeling about alot of first chapters, but if you don't update within the next month I WILL FIND YOU AND DESTROY YOUR ETERNAL SOUL- I mean send you cookies. (I still want a Gilda emoticon)

Glad to see that everyone is likin' it so far.  I honestly didn't expect to get so many positive comments so quickly.

The second chapter is already written so i just need to read through it a couple dozen times over the next day or two to make sure I catch all the errors I can.

Evil overlord who survived 6 centuries? Must be the damned author of the Evil Overlord's handbook.

Well you certainly have my attention, this looks like it could be a lot of fun!

my lord teach me your dark ways

I found a few mistakes

"But are you sure you can pull of a Rainboom so close to the ground?" - of should be off

"I am the best flyer in Equestria after all" - flyer should be flier

"She as tall and inhumanly thin" - as should be was

"He had tired that before and it didn’t work." - tired should be tried

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

Fantastic! Please, continue, if you'd care to.

Continue OR ELSE THE EYES WILL CATCH YOU AND SCOUR YOUR MIND. They are watching you. They see you. SEEING YOU.

I really like Damien! It's not that often I find myself grown on a character as quickly as Damien

-Glassed

Really liking the concept here.  It is a fun look into a villain's retirement.

I love it

Also, you put pagasus instead of pegasus in the last sentence.

fantastic  

I love this story, moar plz

I LIKE IT

Damien's my kind of Griffon, great character and great story so far . I look forward to reading more.

A game of manticore and pony is a-hoof.  

ʸᵃʸ

Damien is really growing on me. I'm enjoying the hell out of this.

Right. This line made me almost die from laughter.

There aren't any herpes trying to kill you here.

And I forgot my generic threat to get you to update.

They are always watching you. They know you. They see you. They saw you. They own you. Do you see them? I see them? They see you, how can you not see them? They are always watching you. I have always seen them.

You will see them if you do not update. And trust me. There are things you do not need to see in this world.

(I still want my dang Gilda emoticon)

This was an awesome chapter! Lets break it down.

1. first time Damian does magic as a griffon

2. He does the magic to take a picture of 2 ponies and a griffon in a precarious position

3. Later, He punches Gilda Right in the face!

I'm rather curious about how Twilight will react when she realizes Damien used magic.

Damien is a total badass

I know he was a dark overlord, but dauwmn!

-Glassed

I really like the concept, but I worry that he won't really try to stay in retirement. I mean yes he can do all these things but those are indicative of evil overlord/extraplanar traveler that will draw attention to him self. His use of magic and other non-traditional actions can be contributed to the lack of scryable griffins in the area but he still either a) avoid drawing attention to him self or b) have a confrontation with lunas task force. It would be a real shame if this  turned from evil overlord wanting a relaxing retirement and shenanigans occuring to him trying to take over the world or what ever his goals were where he came from. But hey that's just me and you are the one actually writing the story while I sit back in a armchair and pontificate from it.

>>193255193255

Don't worry, Damien is staying retired this time. Luna and Celestia would end up curbstomping him if he tried anything anyway.

Wow this story is awesome :D I really how you use gilda as a plot device so that damien can be awesome :D

Awesome as always, but...

"unto your house" - Did you mean into?

"Gilda strained against Twilight’s magic as she tried t make her way towards Pinkie" - to

"your concussion should go way shortly" - away

>>194657194657

Aaaaannnnnnnnd fixed!  Thank you for yet again finding all the spots where I messed up

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

The new dark overlord demands to see more of what happened to the old dark overlord

(PS: great story)

"She put her hoof to her chin ass he pondered" Hahahahahahahaha Oh, oh my stomach!

Such a simple little typo, yet so incredibly funny

Carrots? THE HORROR!

-Glassed

"But most off all they were only used and useable by unicorns." - Did you mean of?

"To make things worse she unlike when a unicorn used their magic she couldn’t sense anything when he used the satchel." - Remove the first she

I saw a few really, really small errors in this. I suggest reading it aloud to yourself and fixing anything that sounds bad before posting it, that's how I catch most my own mistakes. Other than that? New track and favorite here. Can't wait to see where this goes

Yet another entertaining chapter my good fellow, it appears as if this Damien enjoys a good head game or two.  

Oh boy, new chapter! *squee*

We need more Damien Oh how I love that guy, ALL HOMO!

Gilda is coming along nicely I see

-Glassed

Damion has REALLY grown on me at this point. Nice to see Gilda given some character growth as well but...I can't lie I'm here for awesome Damion hijinks. That or awesome dark magics. Really I'm fine either way

Damian destroyer of smoke alarms

This chapter was brillaint. Good humour and good additions to the story, I loved it . I look forward to reading more.

"Gilda may not have tried to do anything in the marketplace where there were witnesses but maybe she would do something now that the two of them were alone." - You have two spaces after this sentence

"Gilda glanced at the ground before muttering, “fine." - Should there be a capital letter here?

"She briefly considered telling Lyra about Damien as thought back to her meeting with Twilight" - Y U MISS WORD

"He had come in here to aquifer a simple cloak" - What does this mean?

"Now he was being fitted for a cloak the Atinian Emperors would have donned at the height of their power and wealth!" - There's two spaces after this sentence, too

You're also missing a lot of commas

"I was going to know on the door!" - knock

He FUS RO DAH'd the smoke detectors!

>>223323223323

"Gilda glanced at the ground before muttering, “fine." - Should there be a capital letter here?

Actually no.  Since the non-dialogue portion of the sentence ends with a verb pertaining to the dialogue, in this case muttering, the dialogue is considered part of the larger sentence and not a new one in it's own right.

It's like how you don't capitalize he in: "That's nice," he said.  Just reversed.

Smoke detectors: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

>>223368223368

Ah, okay. I wasn't sure

...the p and the o are right next to each other.

smoke detector, my old arch-nemesis

Lol, Damian is such a smart cookie!

Should've know Damien would be genre savvy

Rarity isn't the only one staring in confusion right now

Nice chapter, hope Damien does something about the smell

-Glassed

"didn’t finish it.  Doesn’t count.  Didn’t finish it.  Doesn’t count."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

damien vs. the cutie mark crusaders

it will be the battle of the century

What could possibly go wrong? They could see you. They see me, you know. They stare through me. They see the Truth and nothing else. You cannot truly hide from them, their eyes see everywhere. Can you see them? I think they can see.

Brilliant Chapter. Damien vs Luna in his head. Brilliant chapter and entertaining. I hope things work out for Gilda .

I can only imagine the amount of trouble he can get into with the CMC

I guess Pinkie Pie doesn't hold all the rights on breaking the fourth wall.  

Let the sap covered chaos begin.  

great

Yay Cutie Mark Crusaders. Adventure Time . Good set up for the next chapter, I enjoyed this one a lot as well

Yay an adventure. What could possibly go wrong?

Dun Dun DUUUUUN something is gonna happen....

Narrative causality!

"He can use magic even though he isn’t a mane." - What?

"Maybe if you tired something more practical?" - Did you mean tried?

"They somehow even managed to from little halos over their heads." - Did you mean form?

YAY CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ADVENTURERS!

>>246956246956

Earlier in the story it's established that griffons with manes are the magic users of the griffon nation.

>>248183248183

I forgot about that

CUTIE MARK CRUSADER BLOOD MAGES, YAY!

Scene:

"by the dark and unhallowed ones we demand you to use thine powers to show our marks!"

"See anything!?"

"No..."

"Awwww"

"Ok next idea!"

Twilight use books for everithing... something is gonna happen

This story has continued to enthral me with it's light hearted humour and generally speaking slice of life story telling. I love this story and hope to see more, also Damien vs Zecora in Rhyming was funny. Before I know it Damien will be Rapping

"Scootaloo dropped the strange spikey leaf he had been holding" -

"Rave ya to the Everfree" - YAY, PARTY TIME

>>262930262930 A rapping griffon?

Rarity, you're such a hypocrite.

(comment saying how awesome this chapter was and wanting moar)

Master Of troll Overlord Of All Trolls Damien

I'm just waiting for something to start going wrong for Damien

Dash grinned meekly and shrugged.  “Whatever, I’m going to hunt down the snack table.  Pinkie’s parties always have an awesome snake table.”

I know someone who isn't going to enjoy the Pinkie Pie snacks.  

Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1237_Twilight_Sparkle_nope_nope_nope.gif

>>284410284410

Or Twilight learns a little from Damien which quickly starts to run amok.  Think about how many ponies believe in Twilight and her powers, I think even Celestia and Luna can be counted in that lot.  Twilight dooms us all; for knowledge.  

"But enough about out little destroyers." - Did you mean our?

"You girls think Zest has finally gotten over out little mistake?" -

"because she’ll be with dash all day" -

"Bon Bo turned a shocked face" -

"I didn’t say I would only answer one question truthfully" - answer only one

"a human form another world" - Did you mean from?

"Here was a creature form an entirely different universe" -

"By picking and choosing bits of folklore that already belief behind them" - wat

"your methods are better because only use them!" -

"Not even weird magic form another universe" -

"There was an loud shout" -

"He pause momentarily" - Did you mean paused?

>>284493284493 I was wondering what she meant by snake table...

>>284527284527

Have I ever mentioned that you're my favorite commenter?

Ah for some reason my favorite part is where he breaks out the creepy smile when Gilda stars going up the stairs....

Interesting!

*Rubs nonexistent beard*

moar, por favor

Well Damien is obviously not going to like Discord....

FRICKIN TRACKED. FRICKING MOUSTACHED. FRICKIN THUMBED. FRICKING SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

The First

P.S.

Trolls, trolls everywhere!!!

This is one of best MLP Fanfics I know

I'm always happy to see a new chapter, lets see what Luna has in store for Damien now that he pissed her off

"I’m just glad he set up the while vial of blood in exchange for room and board thing." - What?

"The weather team has things under control eh dash?" -

He dyed her bubblegum pink . Hilarious, great chapter, very enjoyable and nice to see Damien working his magic mojo on Discord.

That was metal as hell! I will forever see Damien now as Dark Schnider. He is certainly near the top of my badass list

Every chapter is better than the last. If this keeps up I will just start exploding every chapter.

Trolls gonna troll

giggle at the ghostie

lol at the troll

U mad Luna?

Gotta say, I liked this chapter. Damien got a chance to show off nicely, without stealing the show from the main 6, always a narrow line to walk in facfiction like this. Well done.

Also, it inspired me, and now I know how Discord would play with one of my own characters.

NOooo kept doing this , this is actually one of the original fics i have ever read

Excellent story. Glad I was here for all of it. Best of luck to you on your next project!

It was amazingly entertaining and also very well written. It seems to me you understand Discord (or Datcord?) better than most writers, as most people who talk about writing him say it's very hard and never comes out well. I'll be watching you and your next project...

I'm sad that we timeskipped past the scene where Damien explains to Gilda that she can pay for room and board with her blood.

>>326883326883

Uh oh, looks as if you got a Pinkamena style stalker, I personally prefer the "Oooo, what's in here" style.

Though, the cut off of "smarmy bastards" to read about might make me, oh I don't know, get bored.

I didn't think Damien could get more badass... and then he gets the last laugh on Discord, and got 20% more badass.

...And then you give us that note about how you're done with this fic.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU--!!!

>>327138327138

Not done with it, just taking a break and moving more slowly.  This isn't the last you'll see of Damien.  Not by a long shot.  I still have to put him through Nightmare Night after all.  Or rather put everyone else through Nightmare Night with him present.

So this is the end of the first Damien story... Good to see you're not falling to the lure to write more now just because he's popular. Also good to see that you plan on using him again. He's abrasive, but prefers to just push people out of their comfort zones rather than really hurting them, which is why he's also so lovable.

Anyway, if you're taking requests, I'd like to see more of what's happening to Gilda. *looks at ideas over in corner...* Maybe her family comes back to haunt her.

However this will mark the end of this story being my main focus.

wHy YoU cHanGe?

Finish One Wall of The House Before Starting Another, Otherwise The House Will Collapse,

The First