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The weight of immortality has proven too great for Princess Sparkles’ weary back. Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Shining Armor struggle to help her through the depression that racks her heart, but when she is provided a way out of the life of pain and misery, what will Twilight Sparkle chose?
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I say let the reconciliation be complete, and let Twilight return to her duties with the same vigour she had when she started out.
2147621 That is where I would lean. I dislike all the fics where Twilight is miserable and that's just it. I was hoping to write Cadance, Luna, and Shining Armor strong enought that they would be convincing. But, losing all your friends and most of your family can be difficult to deal with, and this is her one and only chance. I was hoping this fic would get more attention and people would share their opinion. Let's see what others say.
2148059 In regards to your last 5 words:
lh4.googleusercontent.com/An7RgKrhUBOlKdE0WqjUkTc1xvBkVSa1DTNkQ9nAlnI749KUqX8VdbT5Jb2eSXRZN9VOy_24G3zQ4_mOQkl3V7nC6ucVXJPbkMWhtF8W5bDFL35fBmlNhGhN_g
2148158 Let's see if others even read it, actually. I know I complain too much, but I really don't get what I am doing wrong. This is even me jumping on the bandwagon and writing about a subject that has proven popular.
I like "reconciling and prepared to take on eternity side by side" a lot better than dying.
She still has her bother, Cadance, Celestia, & Luna.
I would like to see someone do a fic with the adventures they have together.
2148269 Yeah. While I recognize that losing your closest friends one by one would be emotionally taxing, Twilight Sparkle still has Luna (who I usually as her sister figure since her banishment has lead her to regress socially,) and Cadance (essentially her big sister,) and Celestia (her mother figure) in the canon. I added SA because it always bothered me Cadance and Celestia would just let him die, and it seemed logical he has his own destiny to perform later in his life. But the fact that everyone seems to write Twilight as alone after her friends die is bothersome.
Oh, another one.
2149420 Could you be more specific? Another where Twilight comes to terms with her immortality? Yes, that's true, but I have tried to put a unique spin on it. I hope you will at least give it a chance.
2149423 I alway do.
I enjoyed it it was well thought out and nicely written.
I can certainly try Exilo, if i must suffer through these tears of mine. This piece definitely deserves a spot on EQD.
There is a minor spelling error in the expanded description.
There are two 'd's in address.
In the story itself:
This one is different. When read aloud, there are some changes made to this sentence, in my mind. I read this excerpt as "I never even asked you what you wanted, if this was possibly a gift you would like." or "I never asked you what you wanted though, if this was a gift you would even like." Minor changes, but they feel more natural than the original sentence. There are even permutations of this that read slightly differently, but those two keep the feel of the original sentence, while seeming more natural when read aloud.
There appears to be the 'usual'* lack of commas like most fics have, and i can send you a draft with my comma additions, if you wish. (*I mean that in the weirdest of terms, actually; most, but not all of the fics i've read so far on fimfiction here, have this problem, and it's not hard to see why. Commas are weird, and not everyone knows exactly where one goes... not even me.) By no means is this a poorly written piece! I'm just probably failing to explain what i wish to express properly. This piece has been the best i've read tonight, at the very least, and has moved me to tears before i reached the ending of it.
Edit - There are probably other errors that i missed in my original reading. I'll give it a re-read tomorrow to confirm this.
This is amazing. THIS IS AMAZING. Finally a break from all the dumb immortallity is a curse, woe is me fics.
(in one of those, Discord actually makes a mercy killing, can you believe that!?)
This deserves a feature. Unfortunately, because there are many fics that sound similar to this that were posted first- it might not.
People really need to wake up. Alicorn Twilight is only a fandom ender if they let it be.
People keep saying immortality is a curse fics are the only kind of fics that can written now..... a pox on those people.
There are plenty of alicorn Twilight stories that happened before this, and they were among the most popular fics in the fandom.
I loved your fic. I am faving and watching. hope you build on this!
One thing that might detract from your popularity would be if the black alicorn was your OC.
I'd still fave it, because his impact was negligible. but....
Wonderfully written
One small complaint, the word "troll" doesn't fit with the story at all. Even twilight saying it seems really off.
This like the eighth "Who Wants to Live Forever" Twilicorn fanfic I've seen since the finale. They're everywhere!
*throws onto obscenely long Read Later list*
Good Show,Jolly Good Show
Why are all these sad fics? Why isn't there a happy one?! Immortality isn't bad for everyone! not everyone believe it's a curse! I want to see a Fic where Alicorn Twilight isn't sad about being immortal. She might be evil and have enslaved the world, but still! It would be different and unique!
2149905 If you could send a draft with corrections, I would take a look. EQD complains when I use commas, they complain when I don't use commas. This was fic I was conciously limiting how many commas are used. And the change in the ending has been implemented.
2149925 Yeah, there are a lot of fics already like this. I hope that the readers would give it a chance, since I did want to do something unique and highly emotional. I read the Discord one. It was... it was alright, I'm not sure deserving how much attention it recieved. Twilight Sparkle just seemed very emo.
As far as the OC, considering the Grim Reaper hasn't been introduced into the fandom yet, I don't see any other options. Although Celestia could offer to kill Twilight Sparkle, it seems too out of character for her.
2150428 I use the term "troll" to describe Celestia in this and in the Return because I can't use harsher language and keep the everyone rating. If I use anything higher, they will rate it a Teen, which EQD doesn't seem to like. Any thoughts for a different curse?
2150723 There are a lot. I'm fully aware of it. I hope this one is unique enough. As I said, a lot of them seem to be "Immortality sucks," and Celestia is an aloof, dismissive monster. This was meant to show a very human side of all the characters.
2151093 Did you actually read the fic? Twilight Sparkle is the only one depressed. Luna, Celestia, Cadance, and Shining Armor all talk about how you can still love people even though you will outlive them, the strength of eternal love, and how despite immortality, every moment should still be savored. Twilight Sparkle is emotional, but by the end its entirely possible she has embraced her immortality and realized it is indeed a gift.
It seems like, based on your comments, you skimmed the fic and gave me a thumbs down based on assumptions.
I'm just a little bit dumbfounded by how many people erroneously have interpereted the finale as Celestia granting or bestowing alicornhood on Twilight. That was never the case. The magic of Twilights friendship, channeled by the new spell through the Elements of Harmony, is what brings her to the astral plane. She even smiles as it takes her... she is at peace with what is happening, whatever ot may be.
Celestia is old and wise. She only saw the raw potential in Twilight. Celestia foresaw the destiny Twilight was capable of achieving, and made certain to give Twilight the resources, education, and opportunity to excell and pursue that destiny! She only appears to guide and reassure Twilight as she goes through an amazing change.
Never once does Celestia apply any of her own magic on Twilight. All the magic that changes her came from within her own heart. Twilight achieved this on her own. Celestia had every reason to be proud of her!
2151310 She might be at peace, at that moment, but living a hundred years and seeing your friends die can certainly put a damper on your mood. On top of that... I'll have to watch the episode again, but Twilight didn't ascend to the plane as an alicorn. It was only when Celestia confronted her. It's not clear what happened or who did what. I understand your view, but until more about the coronation is uncovered, it's up in the air.
2151315 When you do look at it you will notice that the magic that changes her come from inside herself. I think Celestia was there more of a greeting/congratulatory/explaining what is going on kind of way.
2151351 I gotta watch the episode again. I'll admit, it was far from my favorite episode, so I wasn't watching it as closely towards the end.
In that case, I might make some slight changes to the dialogue. But I feel like, even if the magic came from within Twilight herself, she might still apply blame to Celestia. She may view it that Celestia put her on this path, Celestia chose her to be her student, Celestia gave her the Elements of Harmony and the spell without seriously considering the consequences. That's not to say that Twilight Sparkle is correct in blaming Celestia, keep in mind. She might just be so depressed she needs to blame someone, and Celestia is someone physical while "destiny" is an abstract concept. Celestia, who loves Twilight Sparkle with all her heart, is willing to accept blame if it means easing Twilight's pain even slightly.
2151170 I don't care about the others. If they didn't like immortality they would already be dead, or sealed away and all that. I meant only about Twilight. Why are there no stories where Twilight is happy and not sad.
2151621 It is not as simple as "I don't like immortality so I'm going to die or get sealed away." As Celestia states she does not have the power to take Twilight's immortality away from her. Twilight Sparkle herself may not know the limits of her immortality either. She wasn't sure if starvation would kill her, after all. Celestia has to call in Equestria's Grim Reaper to assure Twilight Sparkle's soul will ascend to the other plane of existence. In case it wasn't clear, "Digger" is the Grim Reaper.
My view is that Twilight doesn't go with Digger, she stays with Celestia and embraces her immortality and is at peace. The original ending was much more explicit about her happiness, but I felt the open ended nature was a bit stronger.
If I do a sequel, then Twilight will have come to terms, and perhaps even take a mentoring role to the new generation of Bearers of Harmony (such as Soaring Rainbow.)
From a storytelling standpoint though, what's the fun if everyone is always happy? A story requires conflict. It requires worry and threats. It requires an emotional or physical journey. Hopefully, at the end of all their trials though, the character can be happy again, which is what happens with Twilight. I can relate to Twilight, hitting rock bottom and pulling herself out, much more than I can relate to Twilight constantly happy and living on cloud nine for an eternity.
Most impressive, I've been reading a lot of these Alicorn Twilight fics lately. Still, this one stands out, as it captures the actual conflict that someone would go through in this situation.
Moreover, while I agree that Twilight's own power and her connection to Harmony were the main reasons she became an Alicorn. Celestia was just meeting her in the Astral-area and doing the exposition thing. The transformation was triggered by her own inner Magic. I re-watched the episode just to be sure. It came from inside her, no prompting from Celestia's Magic, and was Twilight's own Magical Aura color.
That said, that's not to say Shining Armor himself couldn't become one was well. After all, Twilight's method was unique to herself, his own could likely have been a trial of love between himself, Cadence, and his desire to protect, which is signified by HIS cutie mark.
But I digress, well done, and honestly I'd love to see the two eventual ending to this someday. The ambiguity ending is good, but I'll be honest. As a fan and as just being me, I love closure and seeing the true ending of a story.
Also, just for the record, I hope this makes Equestria Daily, this deserves a spot there.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1885750/gladiator-thumbs-up-o.gif
I want to see her live! But I would like to see in in a way where Twilight is shown on a little adventure by each alicorn (including death if he has a personality in your fic) going through life for them, Starting with death (or shining) ending with Celestia.
I think Twilight killing herself right after having been convinced about leaving her room I think that she would not really be in the mind set right now for killing herself.
2151732 I enjoy doing that. i enjoy taking a rather standard flare for fiction, and making it somewhat unique. So your comment is certainly touching, that mine was able to stand out.
Before I submit this to EQD next week, I am going to have to make some edits to spiffen up the grammar and such (I need to post it by next week before they put a block on Alicorn Twilight fics.) I will go back in and adjust the dialogue, and make it that Twilight Sparkle is simply blaming Celestia for ever putting her on the path at all, less that it was outright Celestia's magic. Perhaps something of Twilight saying how she would have prefered a quiet life, and that she had never even visited the magic school.
I would also like to take your advice on Shining Armor. Something about him protecting the Crystal Empire, and when the smoke clears he has become an alicorn. Something more vague, but yes, I like the idea of each pony having the potential to become a demigod if they perform a great action in their life. ...Cripes, this is going to need to rewrites.
Tell you what, if this is accepted by EQD, I will write up a sequel. Perhaps based on the idea that the person above you talked about.
2151788 I'll admit, I'm rather happy there is such a let Alicorn Twilight live group. I was worried I would be in the minority. Well, the Reaper does have a personality that was developed in a different fic I posted on a different site. "Grave Digger" (get it?) is a name he takes when he takes human (pony?) form. I'm a fan of portraying Death as less a cruel and evil figure and more as calm, level headed (omnipotent) figure. He doesn't neccassarily enjoy taking people away in their prime of life (in the other fic he actually comments how he wishes he could only take the old and the weary to give them peace,) but he is doing a service. It's almost like... "I do this job because it needs to get done, and no one else will do it. It's a thankless job and everyone hates you, but it needs to get done. End of story." He also has the utmost respect for someone like Celestia, who despite over a thousand years of tireless burden on her back, she has never asked him for relief, which is why he was willing to visit her. The fact that Twilight Sparkle has pulled herself out of her suicidal depression might actually earn his respect as well, because he understands more than anyone that life is sacred and precious, even when it is infinite. That would actually be a good lesson for him to teach... perhaps she accompinies him in a reaping... Thanks for the idea. I like that.
2151959
Well wow, heh, glad I could be of assistance. And I did read the comment above me. Indeed, if anything would help Twilight appreciate life, it would be witnessing the process of Reaping, as it were. Grave Digger, I like the name as it certainly seems about right for him, and likely not a job anyone would covet.
Let me know when you submit this to Equestria Daily, I'll be rooting for you. If anyone's Twi fic deserves to be shown, it's yours. After all, like you said, all life is precious. If you ever need help with such stories or anything, let me know, I'd be more than happy to lend a hoof.
2152420 I'll make a journal when I submit this, hoping for luck.
And if you would like to do a proof read run, that would be appreciated. This and the Return are the two I am working on submitting atm.
2152460
Sure, I'm up for that. Just send the stuff over my way. And by that, I mean either Pm me, or I can PM you my e-mail, whichever is easier for you.
I like this latest version even more. It seems much better with that little transition between first leaving her room, and the balcony now. Glad i could help you, Exilo.
2154220 I have been blown by how helpful so many people have been with this fic. It's a small addition, but it's one I and other beta readers overlooked time and time again. It sets the mood for Twilight and also shows true love between her and her brother. I have also been dying to call him "Shiny" for weeks. Thank you so much.
2154248
Not a problem. I just love helping authors improve. Well, that, vidja games, and reading stories. The helping one doesn't happen nearly as often as you'd think.
Actually, no. Stars don't burn out, I can give you several videos explaining why if you've got two hours to kill.
Other than that scientific inaccuracy(which was not the point of your story anyway), I can say that this is pretty awesome. I like what you've done. Good job.
2157328 Are you sure they don't burn out? Eh, yeah, it's not important. If pressed, I will just say Luna was speaking metaphorically. I mean, I hope that's clear. Although she loves stars, she wasn't actually talking about stars. But I'm surprised you say stars never burn out. But oh well. I'm happy you enjoyed. This fic has been submitted to EQD. Hopefully they will enjoy too.
2157426 Well, I knew it was a metaphor, just that scientific inaccuracy bugged me.
Also, EQD are elitist assholes, don't expect it to be accepted. They'll find that you missed an apostrophe somewhere or something and say it's "unacceptable".
2157455 Well, that put a damper on my mood...
I might go back in and change something. I might do some research and Twilight says, "Stars don't burn out. You're the goddess of the night. You should know that!" And Luna simply sighs. Might do that.
2157469 Lol. Well, this IS a different universe...
Anyway, it's not worth having it on EQD. They accept stuff by people like Pen Stroke without even reading, and squash new writers like bugs under their high heeled shoes.
2157597 Considering EQD might be reading this and all my comments right now, I would rather refrain from making any negative comments about them.
I submitted a fic called the Return and although they turned it down, they gave me constructive criticism and I have taken the comments to heart. I am working very hard on the next submission of that fic and some people have helped with proof reading. Some of their grammar rules absolutely baffle me and I have no idea what they are basing it on, but… I just have to hope that the quality of my work will eventually show through. It’s not just EQD. It’s making a name for yourself as a writer at all without resorting to “cheating.” FurAffinity is absolutely brutal on writers. Unless you fill your gallery with commissioned artwork from well known artists, you are going to have to struggle and claw for every watch and fav. And never bother posting anything other than smut! I don't really like that EQD holds writings up to much, much higher standards than artwork but that's just how it is no matter where you go. I just gotta keep trying, and keep hoping that eventually I will make a name for myself. Become the kinda brony every brony should know.
2158073 Oh boy, FA is not even worth it.
Also, why hide it? EQD PROOFREADERS even claim that EQD is terrible with fics. They need a system overhaul.
2158290 *shrug* I dislike that there is such an apparent disparity between the quality in the fics they accept and the quality of art they accept. That is as far as my comments will go. As far as why I don't shout that from the rooftops, I just think it would be better to be respectful when I am a guest in their home, or trying to enter their home. That is a rule I try to live by. Now, if people come onto my fics or profile (my home) and don't show me respect, all bets are off.
They are the MLP site. It's the same reason I am struggling on FA. Because it is the furry site. It's not fun and it's not easy and it's not pretty, but you just gotta keep hoping and trying.
2158346 Jeebus, the fursonas on FA. Talk about Gary Stu overload!
Also, I suppose.The only time I ever want to make EQD is for my music.
2151315 Yes, she did ascend to the astral plane as a unicorn. Celestia never uses her magic on Twilight though, not once. The magic that starts Twilight's Alicorn transformation... It most definitely originates from Twilight's own heart. You even see it leave her chest, hover for a moment, then surround her back as it manifests the wings she is about to grow. That event is clearly depicted, and nothing about it is "up in the air". Celestia's magic is yellow, and never once touches Twi. Twi's magic is magenta/purple... and that is the color of the magic that comes from her heart.
I imagine, that in your story sequence, that grief can cause unfounded blame, but is it not possible this was a stage of grief ALL the living alicorns once went through. No pony is at fault, unless you want to blame the eternal cogs of the universe... Each alicorn was offered a destiny, and each reached it. Quite frankly, The only blame I'd lay on Celestia, is that she probably did not want to be alone, so she made certain Twilight's destiny could be reached. That's the extent of her actions in this. Ultimately, it was Twilight who ascended. All said, it was a good story. Don't ever misinterpret a few criticisms from me for not liking the story... It was good!
All said, Celestia's role there, IN the astral plane, is as a guide, to show Twilight why she has appeared there, and to keep her from being alone during her major life change. Also... Celestia is best voyeur!
Also... Are you having a serious conversation with Regidar??? Wait, WAT???