I enjoy memes and hating myself to the point where people in my vicinity get concerned.
Donnie! What the shell did that thing do to us!? Where are we!?
I-I don't know! That wasn't supposed to happen! It must've malfunctioned!
Calm down, Raph.
Why should I!? It's his fault we're here in...God knows where!
But...I...
Dudes...I don't think we're in New York anymore...
Cover art by S-bis
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Mutant Ninja Little Turtles..... God I love that sense of nostalgia! It's hypnotising me to watch it again!
This story is sending me on a nostalgia trip, thank you very much for this.
Hmmm. Turtles in Equestria... and it's obviously all Donatello's fault. Yeah. I can see that happen
"What the SHELL"
Indecisive between "shit" and "hell" - use perfectly harmless and turtle-relevant word that still implies both. Niiice. Do they actually say that in official media?
Well, prepare for a mega-post! I have the habit of posting corrections on anything I read, and it definitely looks like you need an editor for this. I'm just doing it as I read though, so, consider it a free service. I won't offer to do prereading, mind you; already swamped with that as it is
First, some general remarks:
-You seem to pluralize with <'s> far too often. Words like "den" and "area" just need an <s> at the end, no <'s>.
-"it's" is short for "it is". Whenever you use "it's", expand it to the full phrase to see if it fits. If not, you probably meant to use the possessive form of "it", which is "its".
-Whenever you use "...", make sure to add a space behind it. Word processors and HTML renderers don't split on periods, which means that two words connected with "..." are seen as one unsplittable block, which can look odd if it's on the end of the line, where it should logically split right behind the "...".
-Quoting rules state that in a {"..." s/he said} construction, the first word after the quoted sentence should not be capitalized (unless it's a name, of course), since it's technically one sentence together with the quoted part. Equestria Daily has a very useful document called the "Editor's Omnibus". Especially the "Self-Editing section" contains a treasure of information on correct formatting. I suggest you read it through.
-When addressing someone in a quote, like saying "please, madam, come with me", the addressing term (in this case, "madam") should always be separated with commas, both before and after it (unless one of these is the start or end of the sentence, of course).
To make this perfectly clear, compare these two sentences:
"I kill, my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
"I kill my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
The first is the soldier saying, to his queen, that he kills. The second is the soldier saying he kills his queen. Quite a difference that little comma can make, no? So please, please pay attention to that. If only to avoid accidental regicide
Specific corrections:
> and in it's place was
its
> I've never been more limber!Should either be "I've never been more limb!" or "I've never been limber!", but the "-er" part means the same as "more", so they can't be used together. Unless this should be attributed to slang, of course... spoken sentencescanbe wrong if the character is known for making these mistakes.Never mind that. derp.
> He deadpanned as he walked back to his own quarters.
This should be specified to be Splinter instead of "He", since the last mentioned person was Donatello.
> I'm sure Mr.ITT would remember telling them if he did
Space after "Mr."
> trying it's hardest
its
> A single furry leg standing on the it
should be "on it"
> not getting much air has he did so.
"[as] he did so"
> but I know all of his weakness'
Again, incorrect plural. Should be "weaknesses".
> His guy is hotheaded, that's enough.
His guy? Should that be "This guy"?
> knocking the breathe out of him
"breathe" is the verb. The noun is "breath" (which, incidentally, is pronounced differently)
> I ducked down along with him, just in time to fly over me
Should be "just in time [for him] to fly over me", since you switched the subject of the verb from Leonardo to Raphael there. Without an explicit switch this implies "just in time [for me] to fly over me", which makes no sense.
> gliding through the air like an pigeon
"like [a] pigeon"
> "And then there was two!"
Unless this is meant to be some kind of accent or slang, that should be "And then there [were] two!"
> Raph mumbled..
Double period at the end.
> I'm really surprised he hasn't lost his balance yet.
The whole story is in the past tense. You suddenly switched to present tense here. Should be "I [was] really surprised he [hadn't] lost his balance yet."
> I'm not very sure, but I think it's about 11.
Again, wrong tense. The narration about being unsure can be present, since it's now, reflecting on the past, but the mentioned time certainly shouldn't be: "I'm not very sure, but I think it [was] about 11."
> you should, and are, be banned
"are be banned" doesn't work. This has to be "you should be, and are, banned"
> Raph you have been showing an increased lack of discipline as of recent.
As I said above, when someone is being addressed in dialogue, the addressing term (usually the name or title of the one being addressed) should always be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas. So in this case, that should be "Raph, you have been showing"
> in your little "battle royal"
Small nitpick: "royale", especially since you used it that way before ;)
> "That's not fair Splinter!"
Again, comma separating the addressing term, so here, before "Splinter". Note that if the addressing term is in the middle, a comma is needed both before and after it.
> He said as he barged passed me
Should not have a capital letter at the start, since it's considered a single sentence together with the quoted part before it; see the quoting rules I linked to.
> so I don't blame him one bit.
Is this how he feels about the incident at the time he's narrating this, or is this how he felt about it when it happened? Maybe saying this in past tense would be better, to specify that it was how he felt at the time it happened: "I [didn't] blame him one bit."
> I saw what seemed to be a bright blue light radiating from the living room, pour into mine and lighting it up
I'd remove the comma there, and place it before "and lighting it up" instead. The switch between past continuous and simple past is also a bit confusing, though it is technically correct I guess, if you interpret it as "I saw (something from the living room) pour into mine, and lighting it up."
> which was shining incredulously bright
you can say something is "bright", but if you say it's "shining bright", that should actually be "shining bright[ly]".
> I'm starting to wonder where exactly Splinter is during all this. Surely he still isn't sleeping.
Again, tense switch. Should all be past tense.
Also, word order on the last sentence is wrong. Should be "Surely he [wasn't] [still] sleeping."
> The waves that the machine was giving off was sending things crashing throughout the room.
"The waves that the machine was giving off [were]"
> Papers and furniture was flying EVERYWHERE.
"papers and furniture", taken together as subject, is plural, so again, "were".
> Mikey was none to please as he got down
"none [too] [pleased]"
> and it was too the point were Mikey's feet were up in the air
"it was [to] the point"
> The portal was pulling him to hard
"[too] hard".
> There was two options
"there [were] two options"
> But, what if the portal brought us to different places? What if we won't be able to find each other afterwards? Then what will we do? And then how will we get back?
You switch to present again. Avoid that. "But, what if the portal [would bring] us to different places? What if we [wouldn't] be able to find each other afterwards? Then what [would] we do? And then how [would] we get back?"
You have loads of sentences with the same error after this point, btw:
> I guess we'll have to figure that out once we get there.
Tense, again, though "guess" can't really be used in that. Using "decided" or something instead works, though.
"I [decided] [we'd have] to figure that out once we [got] there."
> True, but it's our best option
Tense, again: "True, but [it was]"
> our best option for right now
Remove the "for"
> This way we at least have a chance at finding Mikey and Donnie.
Tense, again: "we at least [had] a chance"
> Originally, I don't think he was down for it
Tense, again: "Originally, I [didn't] think he was down for it". The word "originally" can't even be used when referring to present tense.
> You're the boss..." He replied.
As stated before, no capital letter on the "he", since this is a "s/he said" type construction.
> but I'll worry about that later.
Tense, again: "but [I'd] worry about that later."
Overall, you have a really nice writing style, but you have to learn those little rules, and pay a lot more attention to the details, and the narration tense
Before I decide to read, which iteration of the turtles is this? The 1980s cartoon, the 2003 cartoon, or the current CGI cartoon?
i like it so far
but there are some problems here and there
and one thing that i should know...dont they already know what happens with portals of any kind i mean come on
This is great. I am really enjoying this story.
keep up the good work man and i cant wait for more
Can Splinter go in too? They could still train in there, and maybe kick villain ass. IDK
Just doesn't feel right without Splinter
9 comments on a fetured? Least I have ever seen.
dtlux1
2153405
I don't know if they actually say (s)hell in the show itself (I never really watched it), but the 2003 theme song has the line "It's a shell of a town" in it
2153574 Gonna have to go with the 2003 cartoon. Love that shit
Eeyup. Great premise, great characterizations, pretty good execution. This is one to be followed.
2154381 Yay!
I'm going to have SO much fun with Mikey...hhhuehuehue
2154201 Speaking of which are the turtles show here the 80's cartoon verision (the one where Mikey always said "Cowabunga") or the 2003 one developed by 4Kids?
I know it's not the recent cartoon that airs on Nickolden since Leonardo isn't obessed with that Star Trek parody that he always quotes.
/
And can we expect to see April O Niel, Casey Jones, or Master Splinter appear later on? (I know Splinter already appeared but it wouldn't hurt to have him pop again.)
2154410 Not a bad idea. Casey popping out of nowhere with his goalie mask and potentially scaring the crap out of ponies would be interesting. Also, this is the 2003 series. Although, "cowabunga" is a phrase that will never be forgotten, and I intend on getting that word in this story one way or another
And Splinter? We'll see.
2154269 Yes.
The only downside to that one was how annoying Mikey was but well you can't win em all.
Huh. I hope this is the turtles I remember from my childhood, and not those new ones. Will commence read.
Howuly shyit.
I've been waiting forever for this.
It's... it's... Beautiful!
For sizzle do, nice work. TMNT is one of my favorite shows, '03 series being my favorite. I watched all of the episodes at least twice.
I loved TMNT. And you have done a superb job at portraying their characters. This story good.
LIKED AND FAVED
KEEP EM COMING
Hmm, a few spelling errors here and there and some tell like:
Which was kind of odd since you did a good job at showing their relationship with the balancing bit. I'm not a big fan of TMNT but the balancing did show not tell pretty well. You just need to cut back on parts like the one above or saying flat out that Donnie's a pacifist and then showing him avoiding the conflict. Just show him avoiding the conflict, written action speaks louder than just the Leo telling us.
So there's some issues but again I'm not a turtle's fan but you've got me interested.
2153405
Actually, "limber" is an adjective (to be limber = to have loosened up one's muscles),while "limb" is a noun (part of anatomy, i.e. arm or leg). so "I've never been more limb" makes no sense, like saying "I've never been more table!"
Since we're being precise here; you are otherwise correct in your corrections.
2154880 Thanks man! I totally understand what you're saying! Will remember that from now on!
Finally, some good feedback around here
Okay, you have a great idea here, and I would like to read this story and smile and be nostalgic and everything, but...
I'm sorry but the grammar here is just too much. It's distracting, and makes me lose focus on what is actually happening.
I'd be happy to edit for you, if you like, pm me.
Okay... seeing a few more issues with chapter 2
1. It's a little tricky in a first person perspective but there needs to a separation between narration and thoughts. For example, Leo can describe what Ponyville looks like but then think. Huh, looks like something out of a story book
2. Speech. I'll just give an example:
The part starting with "Mikey raised a hoof..." should be attached to "Will there be pepperoni pizza?" because they're a new character talking (Mikey in this case). Whenever a different character starts speaking you should start a new paragraph.
"Hello," said A.
"Nice to see you," replied B.
this also leads into the issue of pronoun use.
There's currently 5 characters in the scene, so who is "he?" Unless there's more than one sentence in a paragraph, always say who is talking in a scene that involves more than two characters. Example.
"Hi," said B.
"Hello," A replied. He put down the book he'd been reading and got out of his seat. He clasped B's hand and gave him a smile. "How how have you been?"
Still looking forward to where this goes though.
2154987 Hm, gotcha. I'm still learning, even though I will admit, my other first person stories do follow by that italicized thoughts. Don't know why, tried to mix things up. Will probably start going back into that in the next few chapters, however. I think it would benefit everyone.
Thanks for the feedback
I like it so far.
At what point is this story taking place in MLP? Like, is it before, during, or after season 3?
2155060 Never really considered that. Probably during season three.
2154893
Gah, good point. Should've googled that. Derp.
(I'm not actually a native anglophone... and it sometimes shows on details like that
)
2154880
"show not tell" is kinda overrated IMO. It's perfectly allowed to tell some things. Not everything has to be shown. See also, the word "storytelling"
Now, this I like. I don't think I've ever seen a TMNT-MLP crossover.
,,, Okay, I suppose this is interesting enough... Though with how Mikey is acting, I'm a little surprised there isn't a Romance tag on this...
Well, looks like you should add a Romance tag if Mikey keeps it up...
2155417 thought the exact same thing
HOLY FUCK! MUST READ!
"It's a molecular transportation device, capable of sending electrons using air patterns as their guides to pinpoint exact locations where a beam will rebuild said electrons into a single solid mass! It's revolutionary!"
You know that's not physically possible right?
omg can't wait!
Teenage mutant ninja ponies.
Teenage mutant ninja ponies.
Teenage mutant ninja ponies!
Heroes in Equestria! PONY POWER!!!
They're the worlds most fearsome fighting team.
They're quadrupedal heroes and they're green!!!
When the evil Nightmare attacks!
These pony boys don't cut no slack!!!
Teenage mutant ninja ponies.
Teenage mutant ninja ponies.
Teenage mutant ninja ponies!!!
Splinter taught them to be ninja teens!!!
Leonardo leads, Donatello builds machines!!!
Raphael is cool but rude!
And Michaelangelo is a party dude!!!
this is great! keep up the good work
Saw him errors, otherwise its good.
2155839
THIS IS AWESOME!
I'm jelly I didn't think of it first.
you sir now have a like
2155839
Whose Awesome?
Your awesome!
Time to Promote the reading on this Story to TUMBLR!! YESH!!
2155788 I am not a sciencey person.
There were several spelling errors, but all in all loved it! I feel bad for Raph though, because it is like Master Splinter always is coming down on him harder than the the other three. This brings me back when they were transported to Tokyo, Japan in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III! Awesome fimfic so far.
OMG two of my favorite series?.... TOGETHER?
Sir/Ma'am you just win a moustache
I couldn't stop myself from laughing throughout this chapter. Their reactions to becoming ponies, their reactions to Pinkie Pie, and Mikey's infatuation if you may say for her. Oh, I can't wat for more. I can't wait for them to met the rest of the Mane Six, Spike, and everypony else! This is getting good.
quick question is shredder gonna pop up, cause I'd love to see how the the #1 villian that hates mutants reacts.
2156289 Thank you sir.
My two favorite shows in a crossover....You sir, just got instant liked.