7
30
15
Joined January 2012
193
2,870
The residents of Ponyville are unaccustomed to violence, but recent attacks are shaking up the normally peaceful town. On top of this, Twilight Sparkle has been experiencing short bouts of memory loss and is getting concerned with her own health. The truth in the situation may be harder to bear, however.
Well, this has an interesting premise. The prose could use some work, though - the breakfast scene's dialogue suddenly being interrupted by a massive block of exposition was very jarring, and it read a bit more like an outline or a rough draft, with the prose feeling rather stilted and jumpy. Try to work on making the events flow more naturally instead of snap one to the next. It needs some smoothing out and refining. Still, I'll keep an eye on this one.
great chapter! looking forward to more! 
its fairly obvious by this point that twilight is the one who attacked rarity's boutique, probably sweet apple acres as well. why the attacks and why she cant remember it are the two questions that come to mind. 
i just hope that its not one of those 'some of them stay up all night and wait for the criminal to show up -> surprise surprise, it turns out its twi, which runs/teleports away, and then when confronted later at the library she doesn't remember any of those action', i mean, that part is fine in itself; what i don't want is that all of her friends blame her completely and don't think of the possibility that she may not be in control of her actions (especially after being told that twi suffers from amnesia from time to time), i mean normally; that would be the usual action, but how many years have they been friends now, its irregular behavior; something that friends that close aught to take into consideration.
Yea, I call bullshit on Celestia and Luna.
They see the escalation, and though they said they were going to watch, they don't? I'm still going to read, but really... What in the world is going on that they would be so hands-off and cavalier with everypony's lives and livelyhood? They pulled Spike out real quick.
I'm in full agreement with Obsidian what the hell did they think would happen. Twilight was attacking ponies homes how could it not escalate into an attack on the ponies themselves. So ya not going to accept this rendition on the princess and may just stop fallowing this story at all if it doesn't improve.
wonderful chapter! looking forward to the next one!
im beginning to really wonder exactly what is wrong with twilight; one guess would be that she is possessed, but if she was possessed i imagine that celestia would have done something sooner, so im not so sure. maybe a long suppressed sadistic split personality that celestia 'sealed' when she was first accepted as her pupil; and that twi's strength has outgrown celestia's 'seal'.
after this celestia cant do much else other than to act, problem is; it might be to late. i gather that the reason for celestia's reluctance to act must be because there's a chance that the only solution is to put her down for good or some other drastic measure
I hope you are not disappointed. Honestly, I am too far along in this story to go back and make changes, especially because that particular detail is somewhat inconsequential in the long run (also because I am what most scientists call: 'lazy'). I assure you that Celestia is not incompetent, oblivious, or having malicious intent, so I can only hope I have not ruined this story for you 
You guys critique harder than fanfiction.net, I LOVE IT!
another awesome chapter, im so glad you decided to update here as well!
will be interesting to see what's going happen to twilight, if there was a cure i think celestia would have done something sooner; unless the cure involves something incredibly dangerous and that will almost certainly result in death.
one slight problem i have with the story, the "problem" is not really there yet; but im seeing the signs...: twilight learns a dark secret about herself and leaves, only leaving behind a note that explains some things in a vague way and clearly states "DO NOT COME AFTER ME". which her friends of course blindly disregards; thus ending up following twilight (up to here everything is fine according to me). when they do catch up to/find twilight, she is surprised (i honestly don't know how she could be surprised by this fact) that they care enough to follow her even against her own wishes, at least when they don't know the situation. she then explains everything right before leaving again, after this her friends are stunned and don't know what to do at first, that is; until they decide that they are gonna fight for their friendship with twilight and thus go after her AGAIN. its here the epic climax to the happy ending happens; meaning they team up with against the "enemy"; which at this point should be some super-powered evil clone of twilight that moments before split away from her. they defeat the enemy with some great imaginary cost (someone dies etc.); imaginary because this cost will be substantially reduced in size, by some greater ally (celestia, luna or someone like them), to the point of barely having an impact on their lives in the end.
everything after my parenthesis: "(up to here everything is fine according to me)" is the problem to me. it's incredibly cliche and predictable. thus i really really hope that it doesn't turn out like that.
One of my biggest problems is writing things that I think are clever but end up just being predictable and cliché (see "Miss Mary"), but that most certainly will not happen. 
It's funny because I have another story that is an AppleDash ship. To justify, it was just my 'test fic' so-to-speak, which I used to sort of ease into the MLP fanfiction world.
Funny you would say that, his name is MarySue BlackThorn, and he is an emotionally confused human-turned pony who is more powerful than Celestia. He decided to take over Twilight's body because he has a crush on her and thinks this would be the best way to get her attention, which ends up happening, and they get married and have a dozen kids. Did I mention that he is black with red stripes, red eyes, metal wings, and the most attractive pony in equestria?
Looks like I have some plot changes to make!
And with this you earned my upvote!
Evil Twi onto dash, thightly close, mocking her, hurting her, about to torment her~ 
Awesome! 
I so wanna see an evil Twi in season 3 (or 4), Don´t care if red or white eyes or another coat color, as long as she´s evil and her friends despair how to change her back. Yeah, i´m a bad person, so what? Evil´s great and fun, especially if it´s evil Twi version! 
I have to say, first of all, that I have no taste for lesbian ships. They just don't sit well with me. However, the rest of this story is most enjoyable and for that and the use of the shipping as a strong plot device, I believe I shall keep reading. It does truly amuse me.
Does this mean that Nightmare Moon was a product of the curse as well? That this is a... nightmare curse... of some kind? That would leave the elements of harmony as the most viable solution to dealing with them, but as we do not know when the curse was first afflicted upon her, it could have hung around since the nightmare moon incident, and therefore be somehow immune to the elements of harmony. On top of that, as it is inside an element of harmony itself, it will undoubtedly be hard to aim the rainbow cascade on the correct target to heal her... without the use of some kind of magical spell-reflecting mirror to bounce it over her. Then you have the question of the actual physical impact of the elements, which is notable in that it has myriad effects but the full extent of it's power remains untested against mortal-level individuals. An alicorn is supposed to be immortal, so the EoH can't kill it, and it petrified discord, but against a mere unicorn? For all we know it would erase her from existence. Most awkward as a problem... and that's even if the elements work at all!
This doesn't count as spoiler because I need to point this out.
1. I am a firm believer that Nightmare Moon was a product of Luna herself, not some curse. I believe she had a moment of weakness, but has grown as a result of it. From weakness comes strength, and that is why Luna is such an amazing princess.
2. I felt the elements of harmony were overused when they were used on Discord. There is NO way I am using them in this story , but you have some interesting ideas in that paragraph of yours, you could turn that into a fic!
Well, this storm of defecated matter just kicked up a notch. Wonder how long it will be until Twi gets suicidal... probably not long. She's read that it'ws the only option, she knows that Celestia knows, and she knows that the longer she's alive the harder it will be to resist. She doesn't want her friends... or anyone... to be hurt and die like that stallion, so she'd naturally reach the point where she'd go to save them all the trouble.
Let's just hope that she succeeds or that another option can be found before the curse's effects are irreversible.
Nice premise, good chapter, and downright wicked concept. Moar plz.
You know how you can make this even a bit better?
Make it that Twi knew those guards, Stern and Wiley. It´s shown in the show that all guards knows Twi, heck even the always serious pegasi guards smiled when she arrived in Canterlot for the wedding. With making Twi not calling them Gentlecolts but Star and Wiley, it becomes much more personal. Add two or three sentences how they had once/a few times looked over her or brought her to the magical academy and from there home and such.
Make it that they promise her to make sure nothing will happen, after all her big bro is their boss and she´s also the faithful student of their princess, plus she basically their little princess they had seen grow up over the years.
That way you can make it also much more believeable that they both left their posten which they´re normally would never do cause of their strict training. But cause they knew Twi personally and she them, they trusted her and Twi would feel bad while doing what she thinks necessary.
I know that would mean to add some sentences and rewrite some dialogue, but that way it becomes even sweeter for evil Twi/more tragic for normal Twi. Plus that forgiving will held much more value if spoken by guards who knew Twi from the past/Twi knew names. It would also increase her sadness/make it even harder for the readers to take in.
Just an idea. Loved the fight and evil Twi. :)
Oooh and you know Dash is going to succeed. Lemme put it into Doctor words.
"This curse left Twilight... the most WONDERFUL pony in the world hurt.... it turned her into something she is not. Well that makes things.... simple, very very simple. Do you know why Applejack?"
"No."
"Because, AppleJACK, there is no force in Equestria or this UNIVERSE that can stop me!"
Good luck with that Rainbow... good luck. As it stands... this will only end in sorrow.
Twilight possesses a curse... and at this rate, will become something worse than nightmare moon... magic itself is more powerful than a rock in space.
Please... don't let this drive them away. Don't let Twilight be driven to suicide. I grant it is expected though...
Great story so far!
What if...now bare with me...what if the only way to save her other than death, is love? What if the only thing she needs is a strong kiss while under the influence of the curse from Dash to stop the attacks.
'...they held her down, forcing their hooves on every limb to keep Twilight still. Rainbow only wanted one more thing before Twilight went insane completely. This one thing she wanted was a kiss....' You can imagine the rest.
Otherwise my mind is doing another fill in for what I see in the story. Also I noticed the Romance and Dark tags, but no Tragedy tag. 
Trollestia strikes again!
“I told you.” “Shut up.”
Twilight digested what Celestia said for a moment. “Hey! You were spying on me again!” “Magic mirror!”
I loved this two bits of dialogue. I always liked the idea of Twilight and Celestia being friends to the point where they just forget that they student and teacher and just act like how two normal friends would.
HOKAY! So, in case anypony noticed that Chapter 2 is suddenly missing, I just want to give you a heads-up that I just combined chapters 1 and 2. They were both super short, and I eventually want to submit this to Equestria Daily (fingers crossed). If I remember correctly, they only take chapter updates of 5000 words or more, hence the combination. Thanks for your time and comments! 
“I’m afraid, Princes…” Twilight said softly.
Princes...
Am I the only one who caught that?
Phew, I'm glad you didn't take it in the direction I thought you would.
I heard -
"“By the way, girls.” Twilight said, turning around to face her friends, “Shining and Cadence are having a foal!”
And immediately thought Twilight was going to attack Cadence and end up killing the unborn
no one else who don't get the big deal with the name bubbles?
(yes i know it's a name from the powerpuff girls, but i dont see what that has to do with this)
also; incredible cliffhanger, just enough to really leave us wanting more, but at the same time it's not torture...
i find it slightly ironic that the first attack after luna says she trusts the suit entirely is the attack in which the suit breaks...
Just because people don't seem to know whether "Bubbles" was a joke or not. YES, that was intended as a joke referencing Tara Strong voicing Bubbles and Twilight Sparkle both. I was actually just arbitrarily typing my thoughts while writing and typed it as a joke, then decided I liked it and left it in as a light little joke that I thought some fans would find humorous.
Ah shit, Celestia is dead? And you did the end of chapter death sentence for Twilight? Damn... I say you make Twilight the new Alicorn. Steal the power from this curse and make her live forever. Makes her a tortured character that not only has to live forever with the guilt of ruling in a spot that she from an outside point of you killed to get, but also has to earn the trust of the ponies she's ruling. Or make her a Time Lord and have her Regenerate.
What is this the Alternate Universe comments where everybody is evil?
"Okay, Twilight Sparkle is becoming a liability and is in my way of conquering Equestria. Problem is she's a good screw. Suggestions?"
"Kill her."
"Fuck her, and then kill her."
"Ooh. Good suggestion! Mwahahahaha!"
dude!!! i did not expect that, this story just went from really good to absolutely incredible in my eyes!
even if you go for the extreme happy ending where everyone is alive again and all is well; you actually killed celestia, and made it believable. i can't wait to see how this turns out!
Well, I think the amount of shite that hit the fan was too much, because I sure need a new fan.
And this is where Twilight decides to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Did I call that or what? Screw it I'm not happy about that! This is terribly depressing! Nooooo!
And when did Terra turn into a nice person!?
I want to say first that I like this story quite a bit. I like where it's going. I'm rather enjoying reading it. That said, I'm about to make a bitchy rant about the meaning of words. Don't just disregard it, but also don't take it to mean that I hate you and want you to die in a fire (cause I totally don't).
“Well you see, Twilight, I am an immortal alicorn with the power of the sun at my disposal.” Celestia said lightly, “But if you feel that the task of teleporting two ponies two thousand miles is too much, we can fly.”
The above is a quote from chapter 9 of this story.
I'm so tired of making this comment, but you people will be made to learn, dammit!
You said she's immortal. Immortal. Not Mortal. Beyond Mortal. The definition of Immortal is literally "cannot die," being that death is that which defines mortality. You say she's immortal. Then she dies. Please please please please go back and change your wording. Make it "ancient" or something. I don't really care what word you use, as long as it's not used incorrectly. She's dead now, so she was never immortal. She didn't age, so she was at least Ageless. Other than that, you can take it wherever you please, as long as it's not outright wrong.
Immortal, invincible and invulnerable, the triumvirate of supernatural power. So many times authors use these words wrong. They're not open to interpretation, people! Words have definitions, they aren't for you to define on your own terms!
1. Immortal: cannot die. Straight up, death of any sort is an impossibility, cannot happen under any circumstances. Can be defeated. Can be harmed. Cannot die. For an immortal being to die, it must first be made mortal. Think Hercules, yeah? Once he went all golden and glowy, his thread of fate could not be cut. That is immortality. Not 'can't be killed', mind you--neither violence nor natural causes can end the existence of one who is immortal.
2. Invincible: cannot be defeated, literally Unbeatable. Can be harmed. Can die. Cannot be defeated. Slightly interpretable, this one--it depends on your definition of what construes 'defeat.' The Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a fine example of someone who is invincible (also potentially immortal, since he didn't actually die). He'd had all his limbs chopped off, and his duel with King Arthur still ended in a draw (for comedic effect, sure, but for all intents and purposes he fits the definition). He was not defeated. He didn't win, sure, but he didn't lose. He was a loony, but he was an invincible loony.
3. Invulnerable: cannot be harmed, literally Without Vulnerability. Can die. Can be defeated. Cannot be harmed. Generally speaking, diseases also count as a vulnerability, so someone who's invulnerable won't be getting sick. The Man of Steel is not invulnerable--he's hard to hurt, sure, but anything with Kryptonite in its makeup will tear through him like butter. Meaning he can be harmed, meaning he is not invulnerable.
I apologize if this whole thing seems really abrasive but, like I said, I've had to make this comment more times than I care to think about. For those of us who care about what words actually mean, having authors misusing them is endlessly annoying. Also, it gives the wrong idea. You said Celestia was immortal, and so I completely threw out the possibility of her dieing (barring some magic ceremony to turn her into a mortal pony). Then she died. Cue "the FUCK?!" moment on my end.
Kay, I realize that you said outright that you know it sounded abrasive, but let me just point something out here.
PLEASE do not make assumptions that I don't care what words actually mean. That really hurt my feelings. It seriously did. I do disagree with your accusation, so me just clear this up:
Because I do know what immortal means, and I didn't use it without thinking.
Please look at the context of the story. Celestia was not speaking literally, that entire sentence is nothing but sarcasm from the princess, so if it is really that much of a bother to you that Princess Celestia used a word slightly incorrectly, then take it up with her, not me. To further elaborate this, look at the second part of the sentence. Do you really think that Princess Celestia actually possesses the power of the sun? With the power of the sun, Princess Celestia could have wiped Chrysalis off the face of the earth, yet she was defeated. No, that sentence was not taken literally, and I really wish you would have taken that into consideration before attacking me with assumptions that I don't care about word usage.
Also, you misspelled dying.
i vaguely remember saying that i thought something like this was gonna happen, only difference from what i said was that her friends never out right judged her when she told them, other than that i guessed pretty much exactly how the outline of the story line would go...except for one thing: that celestia died, i didn't even come close to guessing that. that part was incredibly good, it added so damn much depth and so many more nuances to the story! so all in all: incredibly good story, really loved it, worth every second!
it would be nice to know what happens in the future though, seeing as a few things are left which ppl would be curious about; like luna's rule, twi' fitting back into society (considering that she has probably made more than a couple of enemies), twi's niece and of course how things turn out with luna's offer to twi (as well as a few other things). maybe a sequel or a couple of post-epilogue chapters (appendixes or something)?
edit: incomplete tag on purpose?
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2,870 ( 20,774 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-burn1.jpg
)
Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/088/trollestia.png
Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/3e250a6b5037d00d844017565d8f0d04/30571%20-%20Celeste%20celestia%20genderswap%20luna%20Lunaria%20malestia%20rule_63.jpg
Image: http://images.wikia.com/creepypasta/images/6/6b/Rainbowdashcreepypasta.jpg
Image: http://i.imgur.com/jM9WJ.jpg
Image: http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/2/14/401e1976-ad60-4b54-abeb-7f50356bba59.jpg
Cancel
Send