• Member Since 31st Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Wednesday

Lanafilly


I write Hopepunk stories (the opposite of grimdark), the world has felt too dark, too cynical, too jaded. Time to bring some light and hope into this world and make it all seem less bleak

T
Source

Twilight Sparkle is a normal pony.

As normal as a pony can get as Princess Celestia's personal protogé, The Element of Magic and being the Savior of Equestria twice over that is.

She lives in Ponyville and is the librarian of Golden Oaks Library, she is the best of friends with five of the greatest mares in Equestria.

She is not some extremely powerful unicorn who has to closely monitor how much magic she has so as not to destroy anything by accident, she is not somepony who has infinite arcane knowledge at her disposal.

And she most certainly does not have Runes covering her entire body from horn to hoof.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This idea just randomly popped into my head when I saw the cover art, I have gotten permission to use it so YAY FOR ME~!
Tell me what you think of it! =^~^=

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 232 )

I like this premise. I can't help but wonder what will happen next. Adding this to my favorites list.

Very interested to see where this goes.:twilightsmile:

-posts story- okay now to wait for the likes and possibly couple of favorites
-5 minutes of nothing at first then gets first like- oh yay~!! OH and they faved as well -claps happily-
-another 3 minutes- 3 more likes and faves? yay~!! unexpected, but yay~!
-stomach growls- okay time to eat some food then come back
-eats waffles for about 10 minutes- mmmmmm waffles~
-Comes back to see over 10 likes and faves- HUHBUHWUH?!?!?!?!
-refreshes and even more show up- NUUUU STOP!!! I'M JUST A NEWBIE WRITER!!!!!! -flails-

This is what happened more or less.... -facedesk- if this hits the feature box i won't be able to handle the pressure DX

This story is very intriguing, I'm interested to see where it goes. Liked and faved.:pinkiehappy:

Something tells me that Twilight is gonna end up nearly destroying the town..... again :twilightblush:

im waiting in suspence for the next chapter cause it seems intresting

2142458 Isn't it exciting not knowing what's gonna happen? 'cause honestly NOT EVEN I KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN XDD I'm just writing this by the seat of my pants, letting the world form as I go along

Good job Lana, I can't wait to see the rest. You don't happen to remember me do you?

Interesting ill keep a eye on this thats for sure. I wish you luck on further chapters/projects! :twilightsmile:

Maybe you could call the story...Etched...maybe, because I assume she had to basically etch the runes into her akin. Also, this kinda reminds me of the death gate cycle with their patryns, they're a human-like race that use rune tattoos for their magic.

The summery reminds me a lot of the "world of cardboard" speech Superman made once. Definitely reading this when i can! :pinkiehappy:

Post read edit: you're off to a great start here. I'll just sit over here with some popcorn, waiting for the inevitable reveal of her true form to her friends. :pinkiehappy:

2143440 Nice name for the story, but here's a problem, one its on her fur like her cutie mark, not her skin, and two, she never asked for these runes, I would explain more but that would give away secrets now wouldn't it? =3

Quick question. If using that small amount of magic on Rainbow caused the illusion spell on her eyes to disappear, why didn't it when she used more magic? For example, when she levitated the ursa minor in Boast Busters.

Can't wait to see how this turns out!:twilightsmile:

a 22 year year old...

I think there should only be one year.

Twilight practicly shot out of the bathtub and used a spell to dry all of her fur as quickly as possible, leaving a faint smell of burning fur as a result of the spell...

This sentence is wordy and redundent. I would say:
"Twilight practicly shot out of the bathtub and used a spell to dry off quickly, leaving a faint smell of burnt fur as a result..."
Or something like it.

Other than that, you have an interesting story I'm tracking.:twilightsmile:

2144405 Thank-you for both those corrections ^_^ gonna fix those now

this looks interesting, will read later, you've got my eye.

An author who does not know how his or her own story is going to progress? Join the club!
:yay:

Welp.. can't sleep.. might as well start working on Chapter 2... I hope to get chapters out around once a week at the latest, hopefully more frequently than that, but no guarantees people

There were a few missing commas and periods that I noticed at the end of the first bunch of paragraphs and a few of spike and twilight's lines, but otherwise, a good start to an interesting premise. Let me know if you want help fixing those. :twilightsmile: On another note, I find it very interesting that even Celestia hasn't been able to figure anything out in all the time Twilight's been her student.

I like the premise of your story. I noticed some grammar/syntax issues though. While I don't have time to document them thoroughly, here are the kinds of things you should watch for more carefully in the future.

'That's the third time this month my Illusion's have been wearing off early,'

illusion's should be illusions. Also, that they've "been wearing off" on three separate occasions sounds strange. It seems like either they should "have been wearing off" once, or "have worn off" several times.

You are frequently leaving the punctuation off the last sentence of a paragraph. See the first and second paragraphs, you'll want to look at all of them though I think.

Some of your sentences read a little breathlessly.

She carefully climbed into the tub hissing a bit as her legs touched the steaming water.

here I'd put a comma between "tub" and "hissing."

She growled as her her mane and tail starts to smoke slightly.

Here the tense disagrees, "starts" should be "started"?

2145920 2146679
Thank-you both, the changes have been made... although I could only find one instance of using "Been wearing off" admitetdly i'm really kinda tapped out when it comes to self-editing, do you mind pointing them out for me, howitrackstory? I would be really appreciative.


I seriously need to get some pre-readers, if only to get the majority of the small grammar mistakes and punctuation errors I make -facedesk-

EDIT:.... it might help if I give the google document to them with the abilitiy to actually EDIT IT!!! -facedeskfacedeskfacedesk-

Okay I made another Edit to this chapter, I explained where the HECK that "Kraka-Thooooom" sound came from, it was pretty self-explanatory where it came from but I think adding that made it better, And I also changed some wording when she covered up her glowing eyes to have it make more sense with the rest of the story, in my mind at least

"Just a newbie writer" Well then you better give us more so you can get a better title.

This has enough mystery to keep you attention, the plot is interesting and its not rushed or slow. Hope to see more soon.

ok, this seriously grabbed my attention. just one question. are you going to update regularly, or is it gonna be whenever you have time? would prefer regularly, but if your new at writing then i'd suggest trying for regular but not pushing yourself to keep to the schedule. and if for some reason i have insulted you with anything in this comment, please feel free to tell me as i seem to have hit a stage in my life where everything i say or type offends someone to some degree. minus all that other stuff, awesome story!

2147446 you didn't insult me in any way, I'll try my best to update regularly, but inspiration doesn't come easy, its a valuable commodity :pinkiecrazy:... anyways I'd like it if you were to say "this grabbed my attention" to point out what it was that grabbed your attention, it helps me better myself as a writer if I am hearing what I got right, and what I didn't get right, so I know what to do again and what not to do again and it might even give me ideas on how to twist it so its not always the same thing, stuff like that, now PLEASE don't feel obligated to do that, I just would like some sort of feedback like that ^^;

2147752
sure, let me read it again and i'll see what i can point out. oh, and i LOVE the cover art.

2147754 Thanks~!! be sure to check the source link I put there, the artist is SERIOUSLY good :pinkiehappy: its what gave me the inspiration to write this to be honest. I mean I was just surfing the web for some new pictures, was in the mood for magical twilight pictures and well.. got THAT image in google images, and suddenly this story popped in my head and so I thought.. MUST WRITE!!! :flutterrage: and here I am, first story ever and I have over 150 faves..... @__________@

Oh, I'm intrigued, must watch this.
Good story by the way, I didn't find any mistakes that stick in my mind, well done, expecially for a first. :pinkiehappy:
Nicely done, hoping to see more soon.
Honora Imperator

I have to say that I love to see stories that show just how powerful Twilight is, not to the point of being a total mary-sue but enough to give everyone pause. I hope to see this update faster than some of the other stories where twilight is powerful:twilightsmile:

*COUGH* Expectations *COUGH*

OOOOOOO suspense :rainbowkiss:

Hmm, I'll be tracking this....

sorry i didn't respond earlier had a dentist appointment. anyway, all in all your a very good writer. spike seems a bit to formal, but that might just be me. good job on their personalities, your descriptions of, well, everything are so far excellent, if it were me i'd try and give this story some sort of time reference (like adding at some point something akin to 'it had only been a few months ago that we'd visited Canterlot for cadence and shining armors wedding, and now i'm back hoping my teacher can help solve my great physical mystery' or something like that), if you start adding things in that have no point of obvious reference( for example 'the ancient neirse rune ehwaz' in the first paragraph then i strongly suggest making some little explanation to go with it, or if it has an actual fact to go with it the try putting it at the end of the chapter. like, you mark it with a '(1)' or something, then at the end of the story you explain it in detail. there's tones of better writers out there than me though, so i suggest you look through many, if not all, of your comments and see what others suggest. anyway, great story! very interested as to HOW she got those runes in the first place.

2144531 One more correction. "practically" not practicly.

2150283 thank-you for that input and HERP DERP I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THE NEIRSE PART!!!! I even said to myself over and over to put that fact in the Author's note but.. yea.. herpa derp gonna fix that now

2150391 ummm look again hun, it IS spelled Practically.

I really like it! A lot of stuff could happen, and such a great idea.

2150457

Twilight practicly shot out of the bathtub and used a spell to dry all of her fur as quickly as possible, leaving a faint smell of burning fur as a result of the spell...


This sentence is wordy and redundent. I would say:

"Twilight practicly shot out of the bathtub and used a spell to dry off quickly, leaving a faint smell of burnt fur as a result..."

Or something like it.

Other than that, you have an interesting story I'm tracking.

I assumed the story had the same error as this guy's comment, lol.

looking back in the story, it appears that is not the case. good day! :D

Keep it up!

There were some tense issues and you could polish some sentences that sound repetitive, but past that looks like an interesting concept.

It's not a bad start, but there's a few things you should probably address.

* When using numbers in your fic, always write them out instead of using digits. (22 => twenty-two)
* Try to filter out what is relevant to the story. Your description of Twilight is kind of an example. Also dropping everything there is to know about the character straight away doesn't do much in character development. Try working the information into the story as it happens. Don't even explain it outright, let the reader draw the conclusions.
* Watch your paragraph length. If a paragraph is more than six lines, then it's probably too long.
* You might have to re-check your sentences in the first paragraph. There's a comma splice in there. A couple in there could use some fat trimming too. Re-reading your work for fluency never hurts.

Hope this helps.

Off to a good start, I'll be favoriting this to see where it goes.

2143672 - Wait... Twilight herself (possibly with Spike's help) never actually etched any of the runes that cover herself? She got them at some other point and is seeking to discover why?

The story itself was a bit confusing on that part. Part of it seemed to imply that they were placed on her by something else, though she knows not what or why (probably Celestia), and she's been hiding them forever in effect.

But the bits about Spike and learning to write them himself I took to assume that she was learning them and had applied a few runes to herself, even if not all, because of some of the undecipherable runes.

I'm going to leave a comment on this! Eeeep! I don't comment on things, cause I'm scared! But, this was awesometastic! Iv'e always liked the cover picture and never thought someone would make a story about her having runes on her. Sure, there's been people that use that as a cover picture, but it never has anything to do with runes. Or maybe there has, but I haven't seen it. Aaaaannyway, please continue! I wonder if her friends are going to find out...I hate when someone is telling what happened, they always get interrupted! But, I guess it's better not knowing. For now. I guess that would've just given away everything in the first chapter, huh. Good writing! Heh. Okay, I'm gonna stop writing now. :twilightsheepish:

I almost read for the cover art..

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