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Dragon Blaze-X


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Comment posted by Dragon Blaze-X deleted Mar 1st, 2013

finnaly found his true fammily

will his jorny be fruitfull

jorny into the unkown

Here, have a spell checker.

Spike a lone dragon has finnaly found his true fammily but will he go with his brother and learn the ways of the Dragon or stay with his friends in ponyvilie. And will his jorny be fruitfull or will he regret going on this jorny into the unkown.

No.:facehoof:

Correct this. I wont even bother with the story until the summary is legible; you only used a handful of words here and a third of them were spelled incorrectly. That does not bode well for the actual content you were trying to entice us to read.

...

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure this site has a spellchecker built in already. You purposefully avoided using it. How and why?

2198198 sorry dude just was in a rush to get out thier and the summry was last min i forgot to send to my 15 betas first just got caghut up in my first story ya know :twilightsheepish:

It was your average day in Ponyville and. The birds were signing with Fluttershy, the Apples were in the fields harvesting crops in the field, the Cakes were baking fresh bread while Pinkie Pie watched Pumpkin and Pound Cake, Rainbow was sleeping on a cloud, and of course Twilight was studying the art of organization.
** Trite introduction.**
** Unnecessary information dump that does not contribute to setting the mood.**
"Agh! Twilight you've read that book like a bazillion times! It's amazing you can't recite it word for word," groaned Spike.
"Well, I can't help it if's such a good book", she replied excitedly.
** -If’s- should be –if it is-, but that only Band-Aids the problem. This sentence could be corrected to be –“I can’t help that this book is interesting,”-**
"Yaa, a really goo…. (*Burp*)."
** There are several things wrong here, so I’ll start with this: Why is he agreeing with her? He just finished poking fun at her for re-reading it. What about her argument compelled him to change his opinion?**
"Huh, that's weird it's bright red with the royal seal; must be important". Spike said curiously.
** Either you just set precedence for others sending Spike scrolls, or you implied Celestia sometimes grabs a napkin and scrawls something out on it. **
**Your sentence structure breaks down here. It should be –“blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah, “ said the goat.- When you vary from it, the variance should be intentional and not accidental.**
** This seems odd anyway. Try literally saying the character’s lines out loud in the tone you want. **
"Well, let's find out". She said while picking it up with her magic. "Ahem:
** Sentence structure with dialogue is still broken. You almost had it though.**
"My faithful student: the dragons are migrating out of season. There are massive amounts of strange new dragon species I have never seen before and also other mysterious bests migrating with them. Unfortunately, that is not all. Unlike in previous migrations, have been choosing to roost within pony villages. Thankfully, there have been no reports of violence or unrest aside from the initial panic at their arrival. Judging by their current course, they will arrive in Ponyville within a matter of days. Should you have the opportunity, I would request that you investigate the situation. Sincerely, Princes Celesta."
** This does not have the feel of a magically powerful and amazingly wise god-princess.**
Twilight dropped the letter and rushed for the door. "Spike! Prepare the observation equipment from the last dragon migration,"
**Just re-write this sentence.**
"Will do," he yelled after her.
** Same**
While Twilight leaves Spike to gather the necessary equipment, Twilight went to gather her friends.
**You changed your tense for no reason. **
Being the closest, Pinkie pie who should be at Sugercube corner.
**This is barely a sentence.**
But as luck would have it, she happened to stumble upon a certain snoozing pegasus.
** Where? How? Show me through description. You haven’t described a single thing after that introduction.**
"RAINBOW DASH!"
"HU-WHAT! Twilight, why'd you wake from me from my nap?" The cyan Pegasus asked grouchily.
"No time! Just gather everyone for an emergency meeting". The purple mare responded before rushing off to sugar cube corner.
"Well, might as well get everyone else". The pegasus sighed.
30 minutes later
** This is just a personal preference, but I rather like how most authors either incorporated passing time into the story or give their time-jumps a special symbol.**
"Ok sugercube we're all here so tell what's going on," Questioned Applejack.
** –Questioned- should not be capitalized.**
"Princesses Celestia requested us with the task of investigating an out of season dragon migration".
**-”…Requested us…”- is wrong.**
"Eep!" goes a yellow pegasus at the mere thought of giant, flying reptiles
****
"So what Twi, all kinds of animals do stuff out of the ordinary stuff once in a while, like when a bear asked Fluttershy to watch his cave for a week," Rainbow Dash stated bluntly.
"But that's not the weird part. It is that they're are flying through heavily populated places like Laspegasus and other villages, even resting in them, and there's been no violence, no damage, no nothing!"
**Las Pegasus. –They’re are- should either be –they’re- or –they are-. **
While the others let it sink in, she continued. “But it gets even stranger. There are even dragons and creatures that have never been seen by anypony or even the princesses, all traveling together for some reason. "
"So do we get name some dragons Twilight," asked Dash.
"Well most likely, bu…"
"Sweet I'm goanna makes awesome names for 'em like, uh, Starburst twister, or um, Fiery…"
"Dash! Focus! "First, we need to prep the town first", stated the violet mare. "Applejack is the trench from last time still available?"
** Terrible character descriptions, just like with fluttershy earlier.**
** remove the -“- from –“First…-**
"Sorry sugercube, but the mayor had us fill up the whole."
** Hole, not Whole.**
"Oh manure," Twilight grumbled. "Alright, we'll have to get some ponies to help to have diged back up we only have a few days. Rarity, how soon can you make us some camouflage cloths to help us get close?"
**Assuming “manure” is profanity analogous to the S word, you used it in a strange manner.**
**-Digged-, not –diged-**
**Unnecessary comma next to Rarity**
**-…Some camouflage clothes…-, but her just assuming that Rarity would an could is impolite.**
"Of course darling, I'll have the stealthiest dresses ready before you can blink!"
"Pinkie Pie, Rainbow I need you two to warn the town and let them know the dragons will be passing through JUST passing throe".
**-…JUST passing throe- should be -JUST passing through- **
"On it!"
" Okie dokie loki."
"Fluttershy… Fluttershy? Ugh," Twilight said as she looked at the pink-haired Pegasus hiding behind a bookshelf. "Fluttershy please come out, we need your help."
"Nnn-ooo Twilight, I really don't like big scary dra- dra- dragons," the pegasus whimpered.
Twilight simply sighed, "Fluttershy we need your help and besides these dragons aren't hurting anypony, heck from what the princess tells me there wasn't even a single pony harmed. Heck the only signs they were even there was their snoring, flatten grass and moved stones if anything their as ductile as Spike (I sure as Tartarus hope so), she thought."
**You used the wrong word. –docile- describes gentle animals. –Ductile- describes how soft and malleable something is.**
"Well, if you say so Twilight. I'll go with you if you insist.
Thank you, Fluttershy. Your affinity for animals will make this much easier.
**This should be in quotes, as if spoken. Mostly because it was spoken.**
5 days later
Just before 7:00am, the main six were walking towards the ditch with, Fluttershy bringing up the rear with Spike with a little red wagon stuffed with goodies and equipment,
**why does this end on a comma?**
"So Twilight," asked Spike. "How long do we have to wait for the dragons and the other creatures show up?"
"Hopefully not long its only afternoon and the reports from Celestia said they passed Appaloosa 2 day ago so they should come here soon".
**-days-, not –day-. The period should be bound within the quotes. **
"I sure as heck hope so! I spent the last 2 days making up awesome new names for those dragons Rainbow" dash piped up.
** –dragons Rainbow” dash- should be –dragons,” Rainbow dash-**
Sigh smooth move Dash you never say that (yes this is the author speaking) to but it simply Dashy- mic- impatient pants (god I sound like Pinkypie) got more then she bargained for again.
**This is literally you, as the author, talking to the audience. Cut that out.**
Almost out of nowhere a dull thunder came approaching from the south, causing ponies to bar their doors and windows with gusto. Before long the ponies and Ponyvile were surrounded.
**-Ponyville-. Also, this was a bad description but it’s still better than some of the ones earlier.**
There were dragons of all shapes and sizes, along with strange creatures they could hardly recognize. Some liked like wolves, others lions that looked like trees, and griffins of stone, sand and gems the rest were too bizarre to be described.
**-Some liked like- shoul be –looked like-, to say nothing of the descriptions given here.**
Fluttershy just stared in horror, too scared of the surrounding creatures to even faint. Dash and Applejack just hugged each other in fear while Twi and Rarity stared in wonder at the creature's diversity and beauty. And just as Celestia predicted, the beasts and dragons landed with out so much as damaging a single shingle on a house.
"By Celestia they're beautiful!" Rarity barely able to control the tears coming down her face from the creatures beauty.
**Almost a good description here, but tears o not come out of the face. They pour from the eyes, stream down the face, pain little patters in the fur on one’s face, leave trails…**
"WOW LOOK AT AL-*MPH*" was all Spike could say before five pairs of hooves covered his mouth.
"Shhhhh are you trying to get us killed Spike," the now much less terrified Rainbow Dash whispered harshly.
"Muhgbmouhgewoh," was all he good get out in response.
**-all he could get out-**
As the day rolled on into midday, the seven friends were constantly observing, sketching, and of course naming the multitude of new species. After of cores the time it took to get over their freak out (took like an hour just to get Fluttershy calm enough to faint).
**…I…think you mean –After, of course, the…- but I’m honestly unable to tell.**
All was quiet as the group began to quietly eat their lunch as to not disturb the thousand or so carnivorous creatures around them for miles. Then sky darkened as quickly as the dragons appeared and much to Fluttershy's dismay the seven friends looked up to see the biggest mother-fucking dragon in all of recorded pony history.
**…this is just lazy.**
I mean this thing was huge just to help me put it into perspective one wing from the tip to its base equaled the entire Canterlot mountain from tunnels underneath to tip of the tallest tower and I repeat that is one wing! Its claws made as long and thick as red woods and teeth that shone almost as bright as the sun. Its scales where colored like blue lighting, claws that could easily hold all of Ponyvile with room to spare. And it was looking straight at the ponies hiding in a ditch. Without making a sound, its wings folded back, its neck inclined and then it was hurtling down towards them. As it dove from it extreme height that would make even the great Rainbow dash would faint from lack of O2. It burst into sapphire flames that shrunk and narrowed till it passed mock 1 and crashed to the ground with the force of an averagely big meteor, kicking up dust and rocks and shaking the town to its foundations.
**Well…at least you started giving proper descriptions.**
As the dust settled a dragon of 8ft stood in the middle of the creator in a way it looked a bit like Garble (sorry it was the only way I could describe him without saying human), but radiated power and wisdom much greater then Princess Celestia could ever have. He wore camo pants with a black sleeveless-t and a sleeveless black trench coat on top of his head was spiky Wight hair sticking straight back and a horn from his forehead that went up a few inches before going parallel to his muzzle.
**This is literally you, as the author, talking to the audience. Still. Cut that out.**
Now back to our pony friends after all the dragons and craziness they do what all ponies do when they don't understand something that looks intimidating or scary they…
RUN! Cried the six ponies (Jesus I could hear that from here man and dam that Fluttershy has some big lungs yeash and I thought Pinkypie was loud).
As the ponies ran Twilight plucked Spike up with her magic and placed him on her back. As the ponies ran back threw the dragons, barely noticing the effects of Fluttershy's shout scaring the dragons and creatures shitless from the break in the calm.
They did, however, notice that the blue dragon was following them, seemingly without a care in the world.
As the ponies entered town they went to the safest building they knew of. Twilight’s house.
As soon as the main six got there they locked the door and Twilight put up her strongest barrier around her home and maybe her final resting place. As the dragon neared the tree house it stopped and examined the barrier before him then he slowly raised his hand and shattered the barrier with a casual flick of its wrist.
While it was little force to the dragon Twilight was flung across the room from backlash of her spell being smashed to bits with a force that would make even Big Macintosh green with envy. Seeing their only defense shatter so did their hopes of living to see another day the only thing they could do was h in the corner with Twilight.
"Well this is it sugercube it was'- knock knock- "nice knowing you perhaps-" knock knock, "what in tarnashen is going on here," Said Applejack as her farewell speech was interrupted with more incisive knocking. The six ponies looked at each other for a few minutes till Pinkypie being Pinkypie shouted: "I'll get it" much dismay of the five ponies. As the door opened there stood the dragon, as calm and patient as could be.
"Ahem may I come in". He said in a voice that sounded quiet young roughly one of a 25-year-old stallion.
"Uum s-ur-e" stammered Twilight.
Even in his new form, he was way too big for the library, but managed to crouch and awkwardly shuffle his way inside. "Thank you miss now to cut to the chase your probably wondering why I am here well I came to look at the young hatchling that was with you when you ran into this here library. May I see him?"
“Why? What's it to you lizard lips" said Rainbow dash finally her feisty nature briefly overcoming her fear.
"Well, if you must know I am just trying to confirm a "hunch," if you will."
"It’s okay Rainbow dash he seems nice enough". Said Spike with a sliver of uncertainty as he stepped out from the huddle of ponies.
"It's okay young one, I won't bite," Said the drake with his eyes closed, while trying to put on a smile to help calm the young dragon as he walked closer. But as soon as he opened his eyes he stared at Spike with utter shock before dropping to his knees and embracing Spike in a tight hug
**-tight hug.-**
As a single tear rolled down his face and said in a voice that was filled with happiness "I missed you brother".
** Period inside the quote, comma before the quote.**

Spent a few minutes on it, but I was really just looking for individual examples of different problems.

2 questions.
1) Are you in high school/College?
2) What do you read?

My guess for the first is that you're in middle school, or early high school. Nothing wrong with that, but you'll need more practice writing before you can actually make the text on a page display the ideas you wish to convey. Basically, keep writing. It gets easier and, as you write more, you get better. There is no substitute.

In the interim, I suggest you get a proof-reader or a Beta (if you prefer that term)
----
Recommended reading ( I would normally recommend my own story, but I'm in the middle of updating it. Since I rewrite almost all of it every few months I now have loads of new errors to fix. Still...here's Thick Scales):
--------------
The Iliad-Simply for background
The Bobby pendragon Series
Pedestal-An amazing Pokemon fic
Understand -An oneshot novellete.
Animorphs-Simple but well written book series
The Bartimeaus book Trilogy-example of just about everything you would need to make the story better
Kindred Spirits -Spike and Gilda centric
It Takes a Village - Spike centric
WOMP - clever
Eternal -Celestia and Twilight centric
Hexonxonx - Vinyl centric. Intense.
Background Pony - A quarter of a million views. Enough said, I think.
On Pins and Needles - This made me like SpikexRarity shipping.
Song of... - Mechanics, and a bit of a lesson in writing in different styles
The Carnivore's Prayer - Same as above
-------
Later,
~Lord Doxkid~

2199050

was in a rush

Just a helpful pointer: If you want to write good fiction don't rush, EVER. You rush, you make mistakes, you make mistakes, you're screwed.

Now granted, some authors can 'pull good stories out of their asses' (as I like to call it), but that's because they've been doing it longer than other people have. They're the experts.

[Good] Fictional writing REQUIRES patience, end of story.

2208136 thank you for you advise my firend any other tips :pinkiesmile:

2208434 You are welcome.

As to other tips: read, read, READ. Next to everything that I know about fictional writing I got from reading other good fiction.

Other than that: "He who can take criticism can likely take anything else while he who ignores his opposition is doomed to failure," ~Anonymous.

Good luck.

2208475 thanks man and hounstly it took 15 betas just to get it this good imagen what the orriganl would look like:twilightblush:

WTF........ BROTHER..... WELL THAT WAS CRAZY...:derpyderp2::pinkiegasp::rainbowlaugh::twilightoops:

2387227trust me waite till you meet the rest of the fam and his firends

So Spike have a brother that know dragon magic? Hm....well.....Spike you know little about your own kind, so say your goodbye.

2422995 trust me dude everything pony now including the 2000 year old princess is very little and bias

Come on we need updates.... we wanna know whats coming next and its been mons=ths since the last one!!!:twilightoops:

2453938 sorry man but I got research papers and I have writers block with ch but if nessery I can split it an make two:twilightsheepish:

2454379dont worry dude after the report I can work on it and get it proof red

2454462 yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.... (overexagerated exitedness)

Keep going dude. It's crazy a giant dragon is Spike's brother. I love the story already.

2506405 did you not seem transform he more badass in small form the huge trust me

Okay, well a cursory read of your story description, the second question cancels out the first, because we know he's going to go on the journey, otherwise the second question wouldn't exist.

In short, yes, I'll be your beta. lol

Ohhhhh. Snnnaaappppppp IT'S AWESOME:yay:

3047810 wow you read it all that fast?:twilightblush:

Ima fav and like because THIS IS FREAKIN AWESOME
dude I need more i mean like 50 more chapters:trollestia:

You have my interest good sir.:pinkiehappy:

3047951 well forchanly this is only ch 2 of of a llllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggg ass journey of war new comrads maby some love a boat lode of one linners

3047810>>3047819>>3047951>>3048635
Ponies just learned where they stand in the Pecking Order.

Spike a lone dragon has finnaly found his true fammily but will he go with his brother and learn the ways of the Dragon or stay with his friends in ponyvilie.

lol wats a sentence amirite?

jorny into the unkown

lol

Description is addled.

3072641 Look the word up.

3185267:ajbemused: not cool dude not cool I just have trouble and I work as best I can and get any help I can for I will make this fic great one way or another

3188104 I can understand getting jugged harshly but if you don't have a reason behind it I will just straight up ban you from here. are we clear:ajbemused:

3188173 Oh, there's perfectly good reasoning, first and foremost that you don't seem to have ever encountered the English language before, much less have ever written it down.

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