Not bad i like it Traking

This is interesting. Tracking to see where you take this.

You're doing quite well from my perspective. Keep up the good work.

*yay*

I really like this, but I have one suggestion:

Use less abbreviations.

I still have no idea what an "ATV" is, and I got pretty annoyed with all the "OK" in dialogues...

Also, are you going to continue telling the story in past tense "What happened", or are you just telling what happened until you reach the present time? Its pretty weird reading a story which is in past tense after reading tens of stories that were in present

I like it, but I have to say the only problem with it is that the pacing is a little fast. Try to slow down and go into a little more detail, as it felt a little rushed when I read this.

Cool story bro!

love! you did a great job!

Yesh please

Thanks guys. I have completed chapter 4 and have 3900 words on chapter 5. I should probably publish that... Be right back.

PLEASE CONTINUE THIS !!!!

PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!

And here is where I was hoping the human would meet Celestia.

Now there needs to be a video chat between her, Luna, and Obama

Madness, I say! BTW, I'm going to go ahead and say that there's a high likelihood that either Celestial or Luna caused the interdimentional leap. Also, INTERNET AND ELECTRICITY, HOW U WORK?!?

@787dude

Meh. I didn't really bother to explain it, but just use this idea from another story. Just pretend that the weird magic in and next to the Everfree forest has a "field". Like a magnetic field, only magical. That kind of caused a merging where I was still getting signal as it penetrated the air around the house, and... Oh nevermind. Just deal with it.

>>187977187977

>>188007188007

Image: http://chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-deal-with-it.gif

>>188125188125 lol wtf

“I already told you mom, they’re completely harmless, and they wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

AJ then proceeded to slap a rather annoying looking fly with her tail, and I resisted the urge to face palm from the cartoonish irony.   incredibly ironic

@mylttleponyrocks! I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. It sounds like it could be either way...

>>188007188007 Why wouldn't it work?

Still doing this, don't worry. Just sorta stressed out from school stuff. And I'm trying to pace it slower, as Theangryman suggested. And, I'm revising the older chapters first before I do anything else, since I have someone who agreed to read it and point out things that didn't make sense and stuff. Little things, so don't worry. I might reword a scene or two, but other than that it'll be OK.

If you actually are 13. I give you credit for writing this story. But, you abuse I way to much couldn't even read the entire first paragraph without being annoyed. I, I, I. I told, I talked, I walked... Seriously, the massive abuse with the I's. Is sooooooooo annoying. Try taking out some of the I's.

Or just use ALOT more detail, so I isn't the majority of letters in the story.

>>227631227631

Really, thank you. I need advice, and you're one of the few who has given it. I will try to edit it. Hopefully, I'll be able to revise the entire story. Slowly, but surely.

I like it, even if it seems way too silly in many ways. I shall consider you as my rival In hope, that having rivals will boost my motivation to write.

>>272050272050

I shall take that as a challenge. But I recommend you read Coal Bucks "My Second Life" first. For, reasons. It's very good.

>>272086272086

I'll check it out

Finally all caught up. You have a great story going and I'm looking forward to more.

I don't know how much was changed when you made revisions or if you have anyone else editing for you, but you are doing and excellent job with grammar and spelling. It's not something that usually bugs me when reading something as informal as fan fiction but it is really nice to see someone take pride in their work and focus on the details. You also have a very good feel for the pacing of the story, it doesn't drag at all. I will say that you could probably slow things down a little bit, but I can't really make that judgment until I see where the story is going.

Don't rely to heavily on using 'magic' or Deus Ex Machina to explain some of the strange things like the electricity and internet still working (not that you have). I'd love to hear what kind of explanation you come up with, though don't feel the need to explain everything in the next few chapters, or at all in some cases. No one expects the characters to have all the answers. Be creative and have fun with it.

Keep writing because you have something good going.

Ha! Pepsi over Coke by 2 to 1! To bad there was no Dr. Pepper in the house. Dr. Pepper is the sweet nectar of the gods.

>>530542530542

Well, thank you! Quite the review for me! (looks at story status) WAIT? I HAVEN'T PUT THIS ON HIATUS? AOIWFEJAIJ. Dang. Well, it was supposed to be on hiatus, but it wasn't. :P. That Hiatus shouldn't be for too much longer though. When I finish ALL THE FREAKING PROJECTS and CRTs (final tests). Which is in about 2 weeks. Sorry for the wait. Me busy. Thanks for the tips, I actually REALLY try to use them! And yes, PEPSI IS BEST. Dr. Pepper is good too.

>>531289531289 I feel your pain. I'm getting slammed as well. Take your time, get school knocked out, take a break, then get back to it!

Great chapter! I'm curious to see your take on the doctor. Glad you go the chapter out, it's a great story.

I can't hold anything against you, I've been trying to write the same story for about 3 months now and haven't even gotten the first chapter out. You're going a great job.

>>558490558490

I know the feeling. Now I have the daunting task of writing the next chapter. Oh well. MORE COUNTERSTRIKE.

>>558551558551 That's the spirit! It's future you's problem!

>>558551558551Counterstrike? You sir, simply MUST experience the joy of Team Fortress 2. It's actually free, just download steam (also free). It's available on 360 as well but trust me, you'll want the computer version, it has way more servers, encourages awesome visual mods, updates more frequently, and has more maps.

Also, story coming along quite nicely, the whole "continued contact" thing definitely sets you apart from the majority of self-inserted HiE's, just be weary of cliches, they can actually sneak up on you when your writing and make you rewrite whole parts of your story if you don't catch them early. (I haven't noticed any, just cautioning) I'd like to see more of the Earth-Equestria relations taking place (Celestia-Obama video chat lol), brony reactions, the scientists/academics of both sides in collaboration (or studying each other), how the staff of the show reacts to this seems like it'd be pretty interesting. Not that your character (you) isn't (aren't) interesting. Just, you have an awesome idea, you should build on it.

But...I mean, whatever you wanna do is fine, seriously though, don't let my suggestions and whatnot get in the way. That said, I DEMAND MORE DOCTOR!

>>560810560810

I play both quite frequently, my friend. Hehe. That's for the support!

>>560810560810>>558551558551

CS FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, by the way, this chapter = ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Really really fast paced. I know you might have wanted to cover a lot of ground, but I feel like there's too much chatting and not enough describing.

It's so Awesome how you're bringing brony culture to the ponies!

You don't really need to leave in all the author notes though.

I've read a few self-insertion fics in my time and while this one wasn't the greatest, it was pretty good.

I feel that things could be explained a bit more thoroughly and could be brought to a more clear light, but all-in all I can see that you've been making improvements from chapter 1 to now.

Good luck,

Zong The Nefarious Warlock of Evil Deeds.

(And, I see from your profile that you've read quite a few HiE fics, I'd appreciate it if you gave mine a shot.)

>>738777738777

MORE SUGGESTIONS IS BEST SUGGESTIONS.

>>738915738915

Comments like yours are what makes the story better.

Thanks for the suggestions. I plan on actually revising it soon. The entire story. Oh boy. Anyway, I shall check out your stuff since you sound like you know what you're doing from reading your comment!

Great chapter. And I really liked all the stuff you did at that party.

But, when it got to that part about your grandparents... everything just seemed to pause for me. I had a Grandpa Bob, who was a Korean war vet, who died a few summers back. It struck a bit of an unexpected chord for me.

It's stuff like that makes a story good. Something to connect to. Something that relates to your own experiences and ties you into the story. Carry, on, good man! I look forward to your next update (whenever that may be).

>>10181151018115

Late, much?

And... wow. That's quite coincidental. Thanks!

As for when the next update is gonna be, I really don't know. There just hasn't been much inspiration and I've been busy. I've still got a little more then a month til school starts.

>>10182971018297

Heh, yeah. Very late. But, hey, what fun is there in making sense?