Jeremy lives a normal life until a strange creature puts him into a new world. He finds himself living with lots of ponies, and quickly makes friends. The world seems to hate him as he gets injured a lot but becomes the one to save Princess Celestia. And becomes the legendary hero of the swordkind, Brisinger. As a piece of the sky, he cannot live without being under the stars a few times a week, unless he's in a coma. Meeting lots of OC's and story characters alike, the series is very diverse. His friends range from the reaper, to fluttershy.
Chapters (11)
lolno
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Dang red you can write this is actually something i would read instead of anime xD
Thanks for all the support guys!
Hey look the whole gangs here! Nice story Red, still waiting for chapter nine!
are you just not writing anymore
No.
It's really bad for a lot af reasons :
- PonyCreator image
- Less than 1.2k words per chapter
- Same name as the author ( so obvious self-insert/wish fulfillement )
- Wall of text
- Uncreative OC everywhere, alicorn OC, with Mary sue name like Poison and the like.
- HiE; and the character don't give a fuck about being transformed into a pony.
- No pacing, everything happen too fast.
- STUPID love story, the heroe pop in Equestria, transform and tell the first pony he saw ( Scootaloo ) that she's cute ? o_O
- Obvious Mary Sue
.....You *can't* be serious.
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If the reaper were truly his friend, he would have mercy killed him to avoid this abomination ever being written.
I NEED STORIES!
STORIES ABOUT PONIES!
NOT YOU FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING INTO THE FACES OF YOUR FRIENDS SO HARD YOU'RE LIKELY TO TEAR YOUR DICK OFF!
I read your story, well... the start of it at least. I am sorry but it really couldn't hold my attention.
Listen, there are just not enough details to go around. There aren’t enough things to hold my attention. The story advances fast and the plot seems to be just like an adventure you made for yourself. It's like you decided to play D&D while being the player and the dungeon master.
From your picture I see that this story is about your OC, a person who shares traits and personality with you. I won't lie: it's really cool making great adventures about ourselves. We all want to be great, impressive, etc. But the thing is, unless this is a RP or RPG, people don't want to read about the amazing adventures your OC character had. Why? Because people usually have their own self wishes, their own amazing adventures to live through it.
When you play a game, let's pick Fallout for example, you are part of the story. You play because you like to feel strong; you play because you feel like you are making a difference shaping the world. When you read a story however, you want to read about interesting characters, you want trick plots, mysteries, suspense... those kinds of things. You want to imagine things, you want to learn and see an entire new world. You are not shaping the world, but you are living through the main character the world of his.
Almost all stories that make success have interesting plots involving the characters. I won't say that just because the character is you it won't do success: because there are self wishments characters who actually became popular. But it's hard, mostly because there are a lot of other characters who already did the same things.
Well, the plot is usually show through the summary. Let’s check it out:
Okay, so we know that there is a human named Jeremy. Just to know: is your real name Jeremy? If so, then we can safely say it's you. Now, you must remember that there are billions of people in the world... why would this creature pick Jeremy? This is a very strong question, one that you will need to write a very good reason to do so.
You can of course answer ‘just because’, but really, that deeply pushes your audience limit of what they will accept.
Until the part I read, it seems that his reaction to seeing ponies was a bit downplayed. You know, try to imagine your own story: if you woke up face to face with a talking colored pony, how would you react? Also you added that he quickly makes friends. Well, the ponies seem to be pretty open about friendship... still, it seems kind of weird that a human recently made into pony would be quickly making pony friends. Wouldn't there be some kind of distrust or feeling of awkwardness?
Why the world hates him? What did he do? You may have already written about it, but you must remember that the reason must be pretty good for the world to hate him.
He gets injured a lot... what exactly was the reason of this add? To show the audience that he isn't an invincible hero? Well, getting hurt doesn't make a character more or less OP. Getting injured also doesn’t mean that the hero isn't invincible: he has to actually lose to prove he isn't invincible.
Also he saves Celestia. Imagine all the other OCs who have already did something similar... how many times have someone imagined themselves saving the life of their favorite characters? I enjoy imagining my character saving the world of My Little Pony... but I enjoy it because he is me. Just like when I play Fallout, I enjoy it because I see myself saving the world. Do you enjoy when you see other OCs saving the world? Would you say: "Billy, your character is really awesome!", if his OC was far more powerful and had far bigger deeds than yours?
As I said, everyone wants to imagine themselves as a legendary hero. But consider this: You enjoy seeing your character as a legendary hero because you would like to be a legendary hero. Would you enjoy seeing other people becoming the legendary hero in your place?
Well, you put a weakness there. Still, it doesn't seem like an impressive or truly worrying weakness. Listen, it's important to put balance between perks and flaws, but there is some perks that are almost impossible to be truly compensated. I am not saying that it's possible, but it's hard: because you are using an already made world.
Listen, a guy who throws Kamehamehas is okay in a world like Dragon Ball Z... but it isn't in Spongebob. There is a minimum and maximum level of balance you can add to these worlds. How many legendary heroes exist in My Little Pony? Even if you added a lot of flaws, just the weight of this perk make people find it hard to enjoy your character. Even more, you even put a condition for your weakness, which begs the question of why it only works if he is conscious. It basically doesn't seem to make much difference for the plot and it falls to add depth upon all the perks who already have been brought up.
You really didn't need to add this. If someone comes to you and say: "Read my story, it's really great!” would you read it? You are trying to paint your story as interesting, but it really falls upon the rest of your summary to make it look interesting.
He is friends with the reaper. Mind you, unless we are talking about The Adventures of Billy and Mandy, being friends with the reaper is a very impressive thing. It’s like someone saying that he is friends with God, it’s like telling the audience ‘this character is so interesting that even the reaper wants to be his friend!’
Unless being friends with the reaper is a very important plot device, there was just no need to add it. Also it would beg the question: would your character overshadow the reaper? If he would, you really need to consider about how your story is going. At least, you added ‘to Fluttershy’. Why did you exactly single out Fluttershy? What is the reason? Is Fluttershy more important than the cast; is mentioning Fluttershy as important as mentioning the reaper?
Well, your OC saved Celestia life. Is your character friend with Celestia? You need to consider all those things.
At least, I suggest that you check your grammar and structure. Your story is kind of lacking in these departments. Listen, you must keep writing: practice makes perfection. But you need to see what makes people like a fanfic… and what makes people dislike it. My last, but best advice is this: imagine that someone else arrived with a character equal to yours. This character isn’t you, it’s his legendary hero. Would you find him interesting? Would you desire to read about his adventures, to see him saving the world, dating main characters and being declared legendary, awesome, etc?
Wow that escalated quick just one day he has a girlfriend.
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NO.
AWESOME JOB!
no get working on chapter 11 damnit! 
2470246 I AM BE PATIENT
2478313You should know by now me and the word patient don't get along well
2481079 Its getting there! don't worry!
Yeah...I dont like this.
Your OC, mary sue much?
Plot, to quick
all I can think of is what was going on in your mind while writing this?
Do, I dare rip this story a new asshole? I think not... I'll leave it be.
As to point out you flaws and why your story got added to craptastic stories, you have no sense of grammar, story telling ability, or what a character should be like. Pretty simple advice, take it down, take it down before you humiliate yourself any further. Be lucky, I'm too lazy to say much else.
Final Verdict: I don't care if he deserves it, i don't deserve the punishment of reading anymore of this!
Vegeta, what's the scouter say about the OC's Gary Stu level!?
It's over 9000 thousand!!!
2435981 What is "OP"? Also, we've got our daily dose of... Craptastic Stories!
ALL YOU STOP HATING ON THIS STORY YOU ALL HAVE NO BETTER WRITING ABILITIES SO JUST SHUT UP
hurry it up red ive been waiting to long for the new chapters radadadada
I'm sorry But this story i would rate 999,999,999- out of 10
sad to see no new chapters but I hope maybe you're just taking your time with it