The Bleed
The Shadow of Ages
The Bleed
Dusk Shine, a green unicorn who had silver streaks in his mane and green eyes settled himself down with a sigh, and stretched his arms, flexing his hands as he was in anthromorphic form at the moment. He and his brothers in arms had just finished an intense training session with Scootaloo. The pegasus filly still found schoolwork boring, but she did it, simply because of the deal she and Whisper had. The Ninja had adopted Scootaloo after the Conversion War. Although the four worlds now co-existed peacefully, Scootaloo was still a pariah in her home world because she had saved Whisper's life during the War. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle still considered her a friend and came to visit as much as possible, but Ponyville at large had largely begun to treat her as persona non grata, and despite Celestia's defeat and the liberation of her mind, Applejack still held a grudge against Scootaloo, whose selfless act meant she had spent more time than was perhaps necessary under the mental shackles that Celestia had placed on her. Which meant that the Cutie Mark Crusaders, as they called themselves, didn't get to spend much time together because Applejack didn't like to make the trip across the Dimensional Warp Bridge between the four worlds due to her dislike of the Shogunate.
Or perhaps, he mused, it would be more accurate to say that that version of the CMC didn't get to spend much time together. The CMC of yet another Equestria, one that they had had friendly contact with for about three years by the time of the Conversion War had done their best to make Scootaloo and her Applebloom and Sweetie Belle feel welcome, and to some extent it worked. But it wasn't quite the same. Scootaloo had bonded well with Whisper, however and since the Ninja had adopted her as his sister— making her a surrogate sister to the rest of the Six as well, as they all considered one another family— he felt responsible to see that she continued her education before he allowed her to start training in combat, which Scootaloo wanted to do, as her parents had been part of the Royal Guard and had lost their lives during a border skirmish sometime before the Conversion War.
They had reached something of an impasse on that. She didn't want to be pigeon-holed into just studying. She wanted to learn to fight as well. Whisper wanted her to wait until she was a bit older. She was young, and from a world where warfare and combat weren't part and parcel of life on the whole. Unlike the Six, who had been even younger than Scootaloo when they became the wielders of the Elements of Bushido, she was from a world that for all its ruler had been an evil and manipulative bitch, had still been almost a paradise compared to their world. A paradise built on lies, treachery, and a tyranny nobody ever saw coming because of how good at hiding it their ruler had been but a near-paradise all the same. The new ruler of that Equestria had been doing well to make it a paradise without the evil that had tainted it, and with help from the Three Worlds Alliance, things were going well on that front. But that didn't do much to settle things in the contest of wills between Scootaloo and Whisper.
Peanut, in his inimitable way, had broken the impasse between them. Perhaps there was more method to his insanity than any of them had dared believe. He offered a compromise: Scootaloo would continue her standard education during regular school hours, but would also train with the Six to become a warrior, but only if she kept her grades to a respectable level. B minus or better. If her grades slipped, her training would cease until they came up again.
Knowing it was the best she was going to get, Scootaloo jumped on the offer. Whisper was still leery of her making such a drastic change in her life, but realized that he wasn't really one to talk, given his own childhood had been spent training in the ways of the Ninja as well as being educated beyond just what his training would be useful for.
"Kid's getting better." said a voice bearing a British accent, and Dusk turned to see Flash making his way over to sit down beside him. Like Dusk, Flash was a unicorn type, with a silver-white coat, dark blue mane, and red eyes. Like Dusk, he was in anthropomorphic form. Both of them had been in training gear as this was a practice session being held under controlled conditions. They normally went to battle in their everyday gear. "She's eating up the training."
"She's motivated." Dusk replied. "I don't blame her. She's got all the reason in the world to want to live up to her parents, and with Whisper as an example and a goal to strive for..." He shrugged and smiled. Flash nodded.
"Give her a few years, and I'd say sign her up for the team."
"You'd have to talk to Whisper about that. Legally he's her guardian since he adopted her as his little sister." Dusk pointed out. "But I can't disagree with you. She's got potential, and would be a great asset. But I think we should give her a few more years to mature as a fighter. She's still getting used to the magic we use to transform between pony and anthro form. For us it’s a part of everyday life and inherent to every pony on our world. She's still getting the hang of it. In a few years I'd wager it'll be second nature though."
"Aye, that girl's going to be a menace to any enemy she comes across soon enough." Turning to the Scottish accented voice, Flash and Dusk found themselves smiling at Lightning Blitz, a dark blue pegasus with hair the exact shade of the precious metal known in all worlds as gold, which matched his eyes. He gave his wings a tired flap and sat down next to his brothers in arms.
"Whisper and Scoots're wrapping up in there, an' Peanut's....well God only knows what he's up to. Crazy bastard."
Dusk snorted in amusement. "Admit it, Blitz, you wouldn't be able to imagine him any other way."
"Maybe, but if you tell anyone I said so, I'll gut you where you stand. Crown Prince of Equestria or not, I can still kick your arse." Lightning Blitz replied with a roll of his eyes, which drew a laugh from the two unicorns. Getting Lightning Blitz to admit to the fact that he considered Peanut a friend was like pulling one's own teeth out with a bit of string. Getting even a halfhearted admission such as that was a feat worth celebrating.
A knocking at the door leading back into the main hallway caught their attention and an Earth pony walked in, in pony form, handing a small card to Dusk with his mouth, before bowing quickly and leaving.
"That was....random." Flash said, looking to his old friend, who shrugged, and quickly checked over the card, then shook his head with a half-amused snort.
"Better get outta this training gear, guys. Dad's sent for us. Seems something weird's come up out near Ponyville."
"I'll go get Ash and Whisper." Flash said as the trio got to their feet. "I still find it funny that Ash's home town has a name like Ponyville though."
"I'd guess it's a holdover from before the Great Merger. There are still a few places whose names weren't affected by the Merger, after all." Dusk said as they filed out. "Meet you in the throne room in twenty."
The Six made their way into the throne room. Scootaloo had gone off with some of the friends she had made since coming to the Shogunate when Whisper explained that the team had been called to serve. Though she had been upset about it as they had planned to go see a movie, she understood that Whisper had to answer the call of his sovereign. She would have done the same back in the day with Princess Celestia, and hoped one day that the Shogun would allow her to join the ranks of the fighters that protected Equestria.
"You summoned us, Your Majesty?" Dusk asked as he and the rest of the team bowed in respect.
"Rise, my Six." The Shogun said, and nodded as they did. "And yes, I did. I've heard some unusual reports coming from near Ponyville. They requested that you six look into it, and seeing as Ash Jade is a Ponyville native, I thought he might be able to help shed some light on the situation." He picked up a device that resembled the Padd devices from Star Trek: the Next Generation and transferred the information on it to similar devices belonging to each of the Six. Pulling them out, the team began to look over the info. Ash Jade shook his head. The large Earth pony was a giant in either form, and the single most powerful member in terms of raw physical strength. He wore a stetson cowboy hat on his head, which bore a jet black mane and orange coat. Green eyes turned to the Shogun.
"Mmm, Ah dunno, sir. Never seen anythin' like it when Ah was livin' back home. Then again, it's been some fifteen years and change since Ah really lived in Ponyville proper. But Ah think ol' Grandpa Jade and mah sister Cut Jade woulda tol' me about somethin' like that." Ash said. "But it almost looks like whut me an' Dusk can do since we inherited the Decadriver and the Diendriver."
Dusk nodded. "He's right. It does resemble the original gateways. Ash and I can generate those at will and bring people along with us. But they don't pop up on their own like that."
The Shogun nodded. Most of his features were hidden behind his ceremonial armor, but the dark blue alicorn's wings and horns were unmistakable in either form.
"Head to Ponyville, boys. I want to know what that thing is and whether or not its dangerous. I also want to know who the hell conjured it up." he ordered. And with a nod, the team turned as one almost as if they'd planned it, and made their way out of the throne room.
Whisper, a pegasus with a muted gold coat and blood red mane turned aquamarine eyes towards Dusk Shine, who was sitting next to Peanut, who was completely blood red with slate grey eyes, and made a few gestures in Equestrian sign language. The team was taking a maglev based bullet train to Ponyville, figuring to save time walking as it was a good several weeks away on foot.
'Magic is your field of expertise, brother. Any theories?'
Dusk shook his head. "I got nothing, Whisper. Ash is right in that it looks like the dimensional gates he and I can generate, but I don't know of anyone else alive today who can do that."
'If it resembles the gateways you two can generate, maybe it is a gate.' Whisper signed back. 'Which begs the question: where does it go?'
"Good question. I'm hoping it's only a window. The memories I inherited when I first activated the Decadriver indicate that it's possible." Dusk replied. "Though if it is a window and not a gateway, what worries me is what might be watching from the other side."
'There's also the question of whether or not this thing was conjured on purpose or if it's a delayed consequence of the Conversion War. The Solar Tyrant had more than her fair share of contingency plans in play.'
"He's got a point, Dusk." Flash interjected. "What if it's some kind of spell on a delayed trigger and not a gateway or window at all? One final strike from beyond the grave?"
"There's an idea I really wouldn't want to think about." Lightning said.
Ponyville hadn't changed much in the fifteen years since Dusk and Flash had first come here and met Ash Jade. Some new businesses had moved in, a few had moved out, and a few new skyscrapers had been introduced into the city, altering its skyline somewhat. But in the long run, Ponyville hadn't changed to the point where Ash Jade found it unrecognizable.
"Welcome back to Ponyville, fellers." he said, smirking as he adjusted his stetson. He wore a denim vest and jeans and had his Gunblades strapped on his back. There was a time he wore them in holsters at an angle on his hips, but with the three foot long blades he now wielded, it made drawing them a cumbersome effort if left at his sides rather than his back. "Good to see it ain't changed too much since Ah been gone."
"I'll have tae take yer word on it, AJ." Lightning Blitz commented as he adjusted his bomber jacket and ruffled his wings. "Never really been around this place before for longer than ten minutes in the entire fifteen years we've been traveling together. Well, except for our trips to your family's place. So you, Dusk, and Flash would prolly know it better than I ever would."
Peanut, clad in a T-shirt he'd picked up from his last trip to Earth which born the logo of the band 'Whitesnake' and blue silk pants, with his guns and knives strapped to his sides said nothing. Whatever was going on in his warped mind, he was keeping it to himself. Likewise, Whisper, clad in a simple black t-shirt and jeans, ninjato at his side while whatever other weapons he had were either hidden in a magical pocket or in the backpack he wore, also held his silence.
Flash, clad in a simple but functional jacket, smiled a bit. "Brings back memories, honestly, Blitz. You've met the Jades of course, but Ash, Dusk, and I had quite an adventure when our little band of brothers was just starting out. And the Jades have always seen fit to welcome us to their home with open arms. It almost feels like a home away from home everytime we come visit."
Dusk gave a short laugh. He was clad in what was by now his signature apparel: a ground length leather duster, pants with Kevlar and ceramic plating, a muscle shirt, and fingerless biker gloves with spiked knuckles. He also held a large bag in one hand, while his Katana were strapped to his sides. "That it does. Old Strike Jade's going to outlive us all, even with the virtual immortality our powers grant us. I swear, that stallion wasn't born. He was built."
"Well now Ah wouldn't say that, young'n. But Ah appreciate the kind words." The Six turned towards the voice and found the very subject of their discussion walking up to them. An old Stallion in pony form with salt-and-pepper mane and beard, a dark tan coat, and a sword striking a gem into pieces for a Warrior Mark, who grinned, changed to anthro form as mining gear formed around his body to prevent him from being nude in that form (Nobody wanted to see naked anthros in public after all) and gave Ash a rough hug that Ash returned with a grin. He then turned to the others and greeted them all with a strong hug as well. "Land sakes, boys. You certainly get into more than your fair share of trouble, don'tcha? Elite warriors or not, sometimes Ah think ol' Lunaris pushes you too hard. Ah think he forgets that despite what y'all can do, and that you guys might be ageless after that whole issue with the Trials, that you still have some limits sometimes. The kinda pace you been settin' before an' after the Conversion War an' all can't be healthy, even for kids in their prime like you are now."
'We can handle it, Grandpa.' Whisper signed with a smile. The old stallion had insisted on being called grandpa, and for the most part, they went along with it to make them happy. As Dusk, Whisper, and Peanut had lost their natural families (or in Dusk's case, had never known his, so far as anyone could tell), they were more than happy to acquiesce to this, as it made their little family feel just that bit more complete and real. 'We don't take on too much more than we can chew in one go.' he added jokingly and Strike gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.
"Come to see that weird thing out near the edge of town, Ah'm guessing. Lunaris said he was sending a team to investigate, an' somehow Ah figgered it would be you." he said. "Well, c'mon. It's on the way to the mines, Ah'll walk you there, long as y'all don't mind a crotchety ol' coot like me being along for part of the way."
"Old? Maybe. Crotchey? No chance, old friend." Dusk said with a smile as the group started off together. "How's Cut and Shatter, anyway?" Cut Jade was Ash's older sister and Shatter Jade his baby brother. Cut was a few years older than the Six, and Shatter would be about thirteen or so now, by Dusk's reckoning. He regretted that he hadn't had more of a chance to interact with them lately, but as Strike had said, the Six lived interesting lives, and it often kept them on the road. Not that any of them particularly minded. They all still had a bit of wanderlust in them even after fifteen years together.
"Flattery gets you nowhere with me, sonny-boy. Ah know you're just angling for a helping of mah famous home smoked bacon come dinnertime." Strike joked. Dusk had the good grace to look slightly abashed. Strike's home cooking was always a pleasure. Particularly bacon, which Dusk had something of an addiction to. "They're doin' fine though. Cut's in college, an Shatter's lookin' inta sports as a career once he graduates from high school as a way to pay his way through college and prolly even after he gets out, all honesty. Ah think he'd be a good match fer that sister o'yours." he added with a teasing wink. Whisper shook his head with an amused snort.
Shatter and Scootaloo had hit it off on their first meeting some months ago, and were around the same age. Strike had been delighted to see it as he was starting to wonder if anyone could catch Shatter's eye. He wasn't the most popular colt at school, but he had certainly attracted the attention of a few fillies but nothing ever seemed to last past a date or two. But he and Scootaloo kept in contact via video chat and email, and Strike had had no objections. Though neither of them seemed to see anything romantic in the other yet, he had hopes it would be only a matter of time, as they seemed practically made for one another.
"Good to hear. What can you tell us about that thing out there?" Dusk asked as they continued their walk. "It looks familiar, but seems to be acting differently from the gates Ash and I can conjure. We're not even sure if it is a gate."
Strike Jade shook his head. "Wish Ah could tell ya more, Dusk. But frankly folks is plum spooked of the thing an' Ah can't say as Ah blame'em. It ain't like any normal magic ponies or humans can do. Ah heard some speculation that it might be somethin' the Dragons or Griffins cooked up. But after the whole mess with the Conversion War an' all, Ah can't see them tryin' to stir up trouble so soon afterwards. Not what with the Four Worlds Alliance, as it's bein' called now, watching out for signs of aggression in all four worlds. Open aggression between nations on one world would probably bring God only knows what down on'em now. Ah mean sure, they're sovereign nations and all, but with the United Nations represented by nations from all four worlds, Ah can't see them riskin' being censured. They took losses durin' the Conversion War too after they sided with us, after all."
"I guess we'll have to hope this is just some random magical effect. Maybe a delayed reaction to the Trials." Flash said. Peanut snorted and gave him an amused look.
"Yeah right. Five years makes one moment of eggnog when it can bat through the lights?" The madpony quipped. The looks from most of the Six were enough to tell him they hadn't fully understood what he was saying. But Whisper nodded after a moment.
"Peanut is right." the pegasus pony said. Speaking was difficult for him due to the damage done to his throat when he was younger, and as a result of that his voice was like sandpaper on cracked bone. "The Trials were years ago. The idea that this is a delayed reaction is unlikely at best."
"It still scares me that you and Dusk can understand him when he gets that bad." Lightning Blitz commented. On days when he was semi-lucid, it wasn't too hard to understand what he was trying to say. But then there were times like now. Despite it all, Blitz had to admit, for all he complained about Peanut he couldn't really imagine the insane pony as permanently lucid, though he did hope one day he might snap out of his madness even if it would cost him the bizarre abilities he had been using since well before the trials. He was practically an eldritch abomination...but one that could be friendly and who would always have your back in a fight.
'It's just a matter of looking beyond the madness, Blitz. You'll get it someday.' Whisper replied, switching back to sign language.
"That'll be the day." the pegasus replied with a roll of the eyes.
"Famous last words." Peanut quipped. Which lead to chuckles from Dusk, Whisper, and even Flash. Ash just smiled.
They came to a twist in the road and Strike pointed east. "It's about twenty minutes thataway, boys. Wish Ah could go with you, but Ah gotta get back to the mines. You know how it is."
"No worries, Grandpa." Ash smiled. "Leave this to us. It's what we do. You go take care of Cut and Shatter. We'll try to be home in time for dinner, but no promises."
Strike smiled at his grandson and the ponies he'd come to view as an extended family and nodded, before turning towards the Jade property while the Six continued off the road towards the area Strike had indicated. They walked in silence, as their focus turned to the task ahead. Dusk, whose very talent in life was magic itself— though he often applied it for either studying or combat to the point of near-exclusion these days— began doing a long range but passive scan on the object, and almost recoiled as the spell didn't so much bounce as slam back into him with enough force it damn near knocked him flat. Flash caught him before he could fall though.
"You alright Dusk? I saw your horn light up. Trouble?" the silver-white unicorn asked.
"Not sure. I tried to do a scan of the window or gate or whatever it is, but something sent the scan back at me with all the force of a sledgehammer." Dusk shook his head to clear it. "The weird thing is I'm not sure if that's some kind of protection put on it, or a natural response form it. ...If you wanna call that natural." he shrugged.
"Guess we'll have to check the thing out up close and personal-like." Ash said with a frown. "You got the scanners the Shogun gave us?"
"Yeah, in the bag." Dusk said, gesturing to the bag. "Bleeding edge tech. If this stuff can't make heads or tails of it, nothing we've produced yet will, aside from maybe some magic scans. Or I would have thought so up till a few minutes ago. Now I'm not even sure about that."
The sextet arrived, and sure enough, the object looked something like a tall and double wide rectangular object set on one end that rippled and flowed, looking almost like water, but somehow semi-solid. Like a mirror or a large opaque piece of glass that was somehow being heated and cooled all at once to temperatures that cause it to flow as though it were the surface of a lake, or maybe the ocean. Dusk began digging out the various devices and turned them on to begin checking the thing out.
"What are we dealing with here, Dusk?" Lightning asked as he and Whisper hovered in a circular perimeter around the thing.
After a few moments of scanning, Dusk shook his head.
"Nothing the scanners seem to recognize. In fact, they aren't registering anything at all. It's there, we can see it, and my magic can detect its presence at this range that it doesn't seem to cause any feedback....but as far as the machines are concerned, the thing may as well be an optical illusion." He frowned, walking around the object , trying to puzzle through the phenomena. "One would almost think it was designed to deflect all attempts to scan it mechanically."
"Maybe it was." Flash said, rubbing his chin in thought. "You were able to feel it with your magic before it slammed the scanning spell back at you, right? So we know magic can detect it, at least."
"True. Maybe I can try again. My magic has been buzzing since we got here. Whatever this is, my magic is picking up on it since we came into close contact. It's almost like being on pins and needles when a limb falls asleep and gets circulation back again....." Dusk said. His horn lit up once more as he tried a second magical scan.
The effect was immediate. The object lit up like the sun, and began to generate a powerful pull, such that it generated winds that howled from the amount of suction it was generating.
"What the hell?!" Blitz exclaimed as he and Whisper slammed down to the ground and dug their heels in with the others to try to pull away from it. "Dusk, turn it off!"
"I can't!" Dusk called back as the scanning gear they had brought went flying into the object and passed into it as though it were water. "It's linked itself to my magic somehow! Whoever set this here was expecting us!" That didn't stop him from trying to raise a magical shield to protect the others, and saw with a grim satisfaction that Flash had followed his lead and was pouring his own magical power into the shield. Sadly, this seemed to increase the pull they were experiencing from what he now believed might be something worse than they had anticipated.
"So this is a gate after all?" Flash yelled over the winds, as he began to lose his footing.
"Worse! I think this is a Warp Bomb! We could end up having our molecules scattered across the multiverse! Or worse, thrown into the Multiversal Barrier!"
"If we survive this, Dusk, remind me to hunt down whoever set this up for us and GUT them!" Ash shouted, even as the gateway gave another pulse and began to generate enough force that for all their effort, sucked them all in. Dusk gathered them all together in the shield he'd erected, and began to try his utmost to protect them from the dimensional shear he believed might exist within this passageway. A wise precaution, as whatever this was, it wasn't a standard dimensional gate or even the kind he and Ash could create. It tried to tear at them even as it sent them hurtling through time and space....out of their own multiverse.....
Past the Multiversal Barrier they flew, not even realizing they had passed through it due to how fast they were going. They passed through the barrier and then beyond that into what some who were studying the multiverse called The Bleed. They flew and flew through unknown dimensions and multiverses as their protective shield began to crack.....
Eventually, everything went white.
Dusk cracked open an eye as he awoke to a mixture of pain and the overbearing brightness of the sun.
"Ugh...anyone get the number of that Tyrannosaurus Dopant?" He heard Blitz mutter, and sighed in relief as he saw that the six of them had managed to remain together and seemed to be alright, though a bit battered by their journey into....wherever the hell they were. He remembered seeing The Bleed, or at least what scholars believed to be The Bleed. The theory was that beyond the barrier was an innumerable number of other multiverses, each of which had their own realities and rules and whatnot, and these were kept separate by both the Multiversal Barriers— sometimes referred to as the Source Wall in some of the realities they'd visited, and as The Great Doorway in others— and the Bleed, which was a fluctuating energy that behaved almost like the tides of the ocean. If anything could get past the Barrier, they would still have to contend with the Bleed, and even if they managed to survive that, there was still the risk of being lost in a multiverse that might not have a safe way for them to return. For the moment, it seemed, the Six might be trapped here.
After the Six managed to collect themselves (Peanut was never truly 'collected' in the mental health sense of the term to begin with, so they settled for him being as alright as he ever got), they began to take stock of their surroundings. Dusk quirked his head in confusion.
"Guys? Doesn't this look...kind of like the Ponyvilles we've seen in those other Equestrias that are part of the Alliance?"
"Yeah, it kinda does. Or the general surrounding countryside anyway." Ash replied after a few moments thought. "Given the way the place looks, and the large amount of Apple trees Ah can see just out yonder, Ah'd reckon on Sweet Apple Acres existin' here. So we might be in another version o' Equestria. But the real question is what're the natives gunna be like?"
"No clue. Stow your weapons as best you can and switch to full pony form. I dunno if anyone's noticed our arrival yet and if they have, I want us to be as close to inconspicuous as possible. We don't want to provoke any hostile intent until we know for sure if this place is safe or not for us." Dusk ordered.
"And if it isn't?" Whisper asked in his rasping voice.
"Then we try to jump to this reality's Earth and pray to whatever God is listening in this reality that they're safer for our kind."
Nodding, the other five followed Dusk's lead and switched to pony form. "Just a thought, Dusk," Flash said as they began walking towards Ponyville, "But how do we explain your Warrior Mark? If this reality is anything remotely similar to the Equestrias we've met and/or gone to war against, there should be a Twilight Sparkle here. And colors aside, your Warrior Mark is a dead match for hers. And even in our Equestria, that was next to impossible."
"We'll have to wing it, I guess. Hopefully nobody will notice." Dusk replied. Then shook his head and snorted in amusement. "And then again, maybe monkeys with razor blades for wings will come flying out of my ass. I guess we'll just have to burn that bridge when we cross it. I'm more worried that we might have to fight this world's Elements of Harmony. I fully trust in the Elements of Bushido to protect us as best they can, but we don't know how powerful the Elements are here. Or if they even represent Harmony here. For all we know, we could be dealing with distaff versions of ourselves who wield this world's versions of the Elements of Bushido."
"Dude. No way." Peanut said, sounding completely blasé about it. Dusk just snorted and rolled his eyes while Lightning Blitz facehoofed.
"Way, Peanut. This is an entirely different multiverse from the one we're from. There's no telling what the rules of this place are like." Flash said, answering for Dusk, who nodded in agreement with Flash.
They were about halfway back to Ponyville, when Dusk heard a rustling below his left front hoof and picked up an old piece of paper, and upon reading it, frowned. "We might have a problem, boys."
The rest of the Six turned towards Dusk and peered over his shoulder to read the paper.
"What in the blue hell is 'Equestrians For Humans'?" Ash asked.
Stats
Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
960 users online
1,466,696 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nice story keep it up.
Also glad to here that your other stories are getting updated
Heh. Yes, the other stories will be updated. I hope to get chapter five of The Shogun Six up by or before this weekend, actually.
Well your version of Equestria certainly gets around a lot doesn't it?
Remind me to check for any dimensional cracks or faults near it. . .
Huh. Reading this all the way through really makes me appreciate the fact that the Second True Magic lets me bypass all those trans-dimensional hazards.
On the other hand, I feel a bit cheated for not getting to experience the whole package.
. . .
Perhaps later, when I've recovered enough. To the point where using any of the other uses of the Second True Magic past Apprentice-Class doesn't cause me to experience being ripped apart on an atomic level and flung through the infinite multiverse. Again
The fact that my body went first only deprived me of the luxury of unconsciousness.
. . . Er. Anyways! Enough of my (IC) rantings.
Good chapter, interesting premise, I hope to see more of it in the future.
The only few problems I had were a few parts that felt a bit emotionally lacking, and the way you described the Six's appearances. If you streamlined that, it wouldn't break the flow of the story quite as much.
That's my two cents anyways.
~With regards, the Current Student of the Second True Magic
Okay, still mostly scatterbrained (that's what ten to eleven hours sleep at best over two days will get me
), but here's my two bits
As with your other works, your technical presentation is good, no major grammar issues I could see. My only criticism is your descriptions feel very flat, even forced in places. It's far too little show and more just "Character X looks like..." to feel very organic to me. I realize that you're doing this for people who've not read your previous work, but still, felt very dry and clinical to me. Other than that, keeping track of four different worlds and their copy/pastes of each other is making my sleep-deprivation/caffeine headache worse
2130882
Take two dayquil, and call me in the mid-afternoon.
2130889
Blegh, medicine is for the weak. I soldier through my pain like a true diamond dog
2130896
Oh reaaaallly. Let me introduce you to someone.
Fangy, meet
2130901
Bah again, ponies weak. Ponies whine. Diamond dogs are strong (Rover, Fido and Spot don't count)
2130907
Was more than just them, if you remember.
2130914
*waves a paw dismissively*
Southern Packs all. Come visit the North or the West, they'll learn proper discipline and strength
Other than the massive spoilers for The Warrior's Way (I kinda guessed that they were brainwashed anyways), this was a decent story so far. Keep it up.
2172333
Oh trust me, you haven't seen anything yet when it comes to The Warrior's Way.
Alright, making this comment since I've had more sleep than I'm used to (six hours is a lot
)
As my prior comment said, the descriptions of the characters felt very "tell" and not "show", which does bug me on a number of levels.
Now, into the plot. It does come off as very "Adventure-esque" which, while it works, also feels a little bland still to me. I'm curious to see what you do to differentiate it. On top of that, I realize it's part of your opinion on TCB, but I'll still reiterate that the "Solar Tyrant" comes across as very two-dimensional and generic "ebul" through author declaration as opposed to actually having genuine malice.
However, I will acknowledge that Warrior's Way/Shogun Six aren't done yet, so you could surprise me yet. Same goes for this one. I just hope to see something to make it step up from the sort of "generic" vibe the plot's giving me thus far.
Also, didn't mean this to come off as all negative, the effort you put into your enviroment and most of your characters clearly shows, but it's again down to "show vs tell"