Guardian of the Night

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Princess Luna reflects upon her past as she performs her nightly duties.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Luminary

Luminary #1 · Feb 11th, 2013 · · ·

It is contractually required for me to read every new short Luna fic that I notice on the new story list.

Not sure what the point of this one is, exactly. I can appreciate the idea of wanting to spend some time loving on cool characters, but...

It's just kind of a dry recitation of actions Luna performs. No new insights. No rhyme or reason or cool speculation, or even any evocative imagery.

You might want to spend some time actually painting a mental picture of what's happening, to avoid it sounding like a slightly expanded itinerary. Give us some joy as Luna swoops around Manehatten skyscrapers at breakneck speeds. Try to add a feeling of mystery to the Everfree. Show us that she cares about ponies on a more personal level, don't just say that she does.

Harvan

Harvan #2 · Feb 11th, 2013 · · ·

2105023 - I appreciate the feedback. This was my first-ever MLP fanfic, and written in the space of a few hours from a raw inspiration. I mostly just wanted to capture the events seen in the show from Luna's point of view, but you're right that I could do more to expand on her thoughts.

I'll be revisiting this story later when I'm not so tired. Look for an edit soon.

Bronzedragon

Bronzedragon #3 · Feb 11th, 2013 · · ·

I like the introspection in this story. It gives a more mature view of Luna instead of the angst ridden teen that others use. Nothing wrong with those I just like this better.

Autumn Wind

Autumn Wind #4 · Feb 13th, 2013 · · ·

This was well written, quite introspective and a good perception of Luna.

I have to agree with Luminary, however, it ends far too soon and is rather underdevelopped.

Perhaps you could expand on it by having Luna encounter the troubled dreams of other ponies and help them. In turn, she would learn about herself and her subjects more, and grow as a ruler and guardian.

I believe you have good potential as a writer and encourage you to keep trying.

Harvan

Harvan #5 · Feb 23rd, 2013 · · ·

2114692 - Thank you for the encouragement. I have a new draft about 2/3 done that is considerably longer and more detailed, and goes into much more depth about Luna's thoughts and desires. I've also decided to scrap the rehash of her history, instead only touching on it briefly in reaction to seeing Nightmare Moon in one of her subjects' dreams. The bulk of the rewrite will focus more on how she finds little ways to enjoy herself while keeping herself mostly hidden, since the emotional wounds are too fresh for both her and most ponies. She reflects on her desire to share her own joys and sorrows with these ponies that she's come to see as more than mere subjects. Etc.

I've been focusing on other things lately, tho, so it's taking me a while to finish this. :)

Autumn Wind