This is finally it, Spike's decided; he's not going to let the sun sink one more time without finally wooing the unicorn of his dreams! He's been scheming and conniving, and despite his prior stumbles and false starts, this is it! The ultimate plan to win Rarity's heart!
Or so he hopes. Twilight's concerned for her young companion, and does her best to mitigate the effects of his "perfect plans" that she suspects might be misguided to start with. Why do her efforts seem so intent, though? Not even Twilight knows, but maybe some insight into the duo's past can shed some light on the situation. As two close friends of hers' seem to be on a collision course, Twilight has to face the harrowing truth - someone's going to be hurt, no matter how much she might try to prevent it. All she can do is rally couage - in others, and herself.
(The cover art is by me.)
Great start and also first
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oh psh, thank you! I haven't written in far too long, but I think I have an area here
Your welcome your a great author so just wanted to say
thank you back
You've really pulled some moments together for this. I can feel twilight's emotional investment growing with each little scene. Love to see where exactly this is going. Keep it coming.
So I've been hesitant on reviewing this story because I am a stingy fellow, and unless I have something of what I view as actual value to throw your way I just don't really have that drive to review a story, but I just don't get it- I've been holding off because my general thought process was that people would come along and review this and give it the attention it deserves.
Look, I like this story, and since no one else is doing my job for me, I'm gonna say that I hope that you continue to write more of it since I like it so much. It's well written and certainly more deserving of attention than some of the stories that do get noticed. In any case, this story has so far captured my attention, so kudos and thumbs up and other things that will make you feel good about writing it because that is what I am poorly trying to express.
Emoticons. Loads of those if that's what gets you going.
This story is absolutely splendid so far. The writing alone is pretty nice, most notably your ability to create an image in my head. The first chapter had two good examples of stressed-out ponies, and in this one you made hatchling Spike more adorable than his character design. I'm looking forward to where this is going, so please don't abandon this if the only reason for such a decision is a lack of attention. In fact, you would do well to submit it to Equestria Daily.
It's a major shame to see this update and get no comments at all in the following twenty-four hours. It's seriously one of the best stories, Spike-focused or otherwise, that I'm currently reading. I hope you don't let the lack of attention discourage you from finishing whatever you have planned (just as Spike won't allow his lack of success discourage him from winning over his crush).
If you feel the inclination, you should probably write a few new stories, even if it's only to put something at the top of the queue for potential followers to see.
Hmm very well done. A few missing words, but aside from that, excellent. I came in here expecting a Spilight, or a RarityXSpikeXTwilight, I have to admit I'm a little disapointed it doesn't seem to be going that way but still this demographic is intreguing.
Quick question. Why was Twilight so scared when she couldn't find Spike?
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No spoilers, but it'll get where it's going :b not to get anyone's hopes up and I fear disappointing people, but it's going to be a subtle, low-key sort of story, but the main theme here is definitely those of feelings of affection c:
Twilight was so scared she couldn't find Spike because of the fact I tried to code her as having an anxiety condition. Anxiety makes one worry disproportionately about normal or only slightly-bad events. But still, it was a bit of an overreaction, wasn't it? I wonder why Twilight reacted like that, too!
(I am leaving a lot of questions this story poses dangle intentionally until it comes time for them to be answered.)
I agree. This is a grand little tale. I have truly enjoyed reading it and I can't wait to see more of young Spike's adventures with Twilight and her family.
I like the past/present storytelling device. It's a good way to set up what you seem to have planned.
Just no for Spike in this one. Really if he wanted the umbrella thing to be him holding the umbrella and her walking next to him wouldn't have been better for him to sit on her back while under the umbrella she had? Stupid move Spike stupid move.
Really the subtle innuendos, or they could be taken as such, between Celestia and Twilights parents had me dying from laughter. If that didn't imply a deeper relationship between Twlight and Spike really nothing else will. I'm still voting for TwiSpike just to place my opinion.
To Spike:
To inform you a master strategist is not the one with the perfect plan but one who can adapt to a change in the plan.
From the wise words of Hannibal Smith. Master strategist, wanted criminal, leader.
What if Twilight was the reason the umbrella didn't open. Like she used her magic to hold the umbrella closed.
Now here really the feels, I actually got the feels, congrats on that. I could literally see the tiny Spike and Twilight having a sleep over. The daww's where double when applejack mentioned apple fritters, you remember that episode. Anywho I think somewhere near the half point of the story you used "or" when it should have been "do".
The "haha's" in these and more sentences need to be removed, otherwise it disrupts the flow you have going on. Not only do you already state that they're either giggling or laughing, but we already know what they sound like; reading them spelled out as words is a pain.
Everything else I can see is good. Stories about Tiny Twi and Spike Tyke are agonizingly adorable, but your descriptions of the two as they are now: just as cute! Simple things like Spike getting out of the tub or clambering up on Twilight's bed to wake her up.
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You're totally right! Edited most of them out, left a few in. I also really, really rely on laughter or smiles to indicate mood too much, but I'll edit THAT more later C: Thanks so much, I always appreciate a helpful tip!
And needless to say, thanks a ton for the compliments!
My opinion of Spike's schemes:
My opinion of Spike's schemes:
My opinion of where Spike is getting all these items:
I have always felt that Spike has always been portrait as someone head over heels in love, that is very true, but this scheme bordered slightly below psychotic but full blown idiotic. While I can appreciate a hair brained scheme, his after thought is another thing. Twilight not only saved his life, but did so at the risk of her own, and the first thing to go through the little bastards head is that Twilgith was getting praised to saving thier lives?! If he fights about this in the next chapter that's it!! Why doesn't he do the smart thing, grow a pair, walk up to Rarity and ask her out? Why go through this? This took it to far. Twilight tear him apart, make dragon flambé!!
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this chapter. I thought Little Spike and Twi's footprint creation was adorable and pretty touching as well. The other beach ponies' reactions to Spike put me on edge, but people, for the most part, usually have the best of intentions. Fewer have open minds.
And man, if these are the kinds of schemes he's coming up with to win over an adult who runs her own business, it really gives the impression that he hasn't grown up much since the flashbacks.
It's a decent story, but some of the grammar and punctuation needs a little work.
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Appreciate it! Any particular examples stick out at you? This is a first draft with minor editing, and I have a tendency to use sentence fragments intentionally as a stylistic choice, but I'm SURE there's stuff that eluded me on my first pass c:
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Its hard to point some out that I remember. A word or two I remember used a different letter, making a word come across different. However my biggest problem was the use of commas. Pro tip: Whenever you use a comma, there's always a pause. Like this: "Hello(Pause), how are you?"
However, you can also go like this: "Mac," Clicker paused as he nervously swallowed some sweat, "we have to talk."
You tend to overuse them, or put them in sentences where they're unnecessary.
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Oh, okay! Thanks for the tip C:! yeah, I really overdo it with the comma-pepper shaker, it's a fact. In revision a lot of things will probably be split into separate sentences, instead of one run-on one. Not to be defensive, but I think it's a matter of trying to evoke long, meandering sentences as a stylistic choice. But I totally admit 1) it doesn't always come across as intended/"land" and 2) the commas persist throughout the rest of the prose in such a manner, totally unneeded. And I have a thing about interrupting dialogue, I STRONGLY prefer against doing it unless it's necessary to the tone of the dialogue for the action to interrupt it, but that's a stylistic thing again xD. But still, I appreciate you taking the time to elaborate and it's certainly something I'll be much more aware of!
next chapter pls!! u.u
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I'm alive and will FINALLY be updating this shortly ;w;
I don't suppose you'll be coming back to finish this will you?
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2020: Ha Ha No