Upset about the humiliation she got from the ponies and a former friend of hers, a filly has been chosen to join the evil Apocalypse Ponies. She willingly agreed to join for the sake of destroying all the "blank flanks" and traitors to the "right kind", even if it meant leaving the family she had that supported the ponies.
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Oh boy, Diamond Tiara done now gone power mad
Wow, this is actually scary!
She's gone looney!
It's me, Ryan, by the way.
That Diamond Tiara is so...evil!
3374439 Hiya, Ryan! Good to see you!
And thanks for the comment!
3377928 welcome.
While I'm not quite sure about the context that surrounds this story, I think I can imagine what it entails. I can't really imagine why Diamond decided to turn to a life of crime, but I've certainly read stories that could lead into this one.
For such a dark concept, this story is surprisingly simple. Diamond is feeling humiliated, Sombra gives her some ambiguous "evil" powers, she sings Darla Dimple's villain song, and we're good. What surprised me the most was when I realized this entire story was based around Darla's scene from "Cats Don't Dance". Then again, I guess it makes as much sense as anything else since I don't have the context. I suppose the story's simplicity complements its length, but it went on long enough for me to find some tips to offer you.
First, the story seems to have some trouble deciding which tense it is in. Sometimes it speaks in past tense, and sometimes it randomly switches to present tense without warning. Here's some examples:
It's important to have consistency in your tense, because every time it changes, it disrupts the smoothness of your story and draws people out of it. Fortunately, it's a simple fix.
Next, though we have an omniscient third-person POV, it seems as though we have more than one narrator. The narrator comes across as incredibly biased against Diamond, objectively calling her 'evil' and 'bratty' without voicing his or her opinion on anything else. Then we have this line:
It would seem that this all-knowing narrator doesn't have very high opinions of anyone.
As a related issue, we have the problem of "telly" descriptions. These are the use of subjective terms to describe something in a way that doesn't really convey any meaning.
There are plenty of ways for a voice to be scary. How does it actually sound? Is it deep? Is it booming? Does it waver? Does it echo? Is it commanding? Is it eerily quiet? Is it serpentine? These sorts of descriptions create more concrete ideas for the reader to imagine instead of forcing the readers to figure it out themselves.
We run into a similar problem with the overuse of the word 'evil'. Evil is another subjective term that can mean whatever the reader wants it to mean. Therefore, you could take out every instance of this word used as a description without doing any harm to the story. The main point to keep in mind is to always use objective descriptive words when describing something. Words like "angry", "colorful", and "metallic" are much more ideal than words like "funny", "talented", or "beautiful". The exception to this idea would be if you have a subjective narrator describing the situation. In that case, you can describe it however you please.
What the story needs most of all, however, is some context. I feel as though there isn't enough information provided in regards to what happened to make Diamond and Maxin so embarrassed and what kind of 'power' King Sombra gave them. If these questions are explained in another story, you'll have to excuse me, but from this story alone, there really isn't a beginning or an end. It's just the middle.
I'd call this story the white center of an Oreo cookie. I suppose many would say that the center is all a story needs, but personally I'd prefer to have it enclosed by something. It's got some nice flavor, but as someone who's seen Cats Don't Dance before, it's unfortunately a flavor I've already tasted.
Make the most!
What will happen to Filthy Rich now?
5791168 He'd be fine, but he would never like Diamond Tiara stooping to a major low.
5791319 Would it be harsh if I say disowned?
5791374 A bit too harsh.
5800116 Alright just wondering.