• Member Since 22nd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 20th, 2022

Bradel


Ceci n'est pas un cheval.

T
Source

Before the founding of Equestria, before the final alienation of the three pony tribes, Star Swirl the Bearded was famed as the greatest teacher of magic in unicorn history. Now, one of the legendary conjurer's students finds himself exiled across time, trapped in a world he hardly recognizes. As he struggles to uncover the forces that displaced him, the unicorn Bellbray must use all his magical training to find a way back to the life he left behind.
— Featured on Equestria Daily.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 77 )

Intriguing.

I await further developments with great interest. I especially want to see what rules of time travel you use. Bit of a personal subject of fascination, that.

As an aside: where did you get the story image?

2067536
Bellbray courtesy of General Zoi's Pony Creator. I hear those things are somewhat frowned upon for story images, but my art skills really aren't up to snuff for drawing an OC pony. Spent a while trying, based on the how-to-draw pages of the Brony Coloring Book, but I'm still a long way from being able to produce anything attractive. The cutie mark was my own, though, which I'm still happy about. The background comes from the wonderful #MLP-VectorClub Backgrounds Collection.

Also, perhaps unsurprisingly, "It's About Time" was the primary inspiration for this story. Make of that what you will.

2067568
Well you did a wonderful job, given that you don't really know how to draw (I know the pain). But the pony creator is...damn. Some serious skill went into making it.

I had to play with it at least a bit. Here's Dotted:
i.imgur.com/3sUzsSa.png
Heh. Couldn't get him to be quite as shaggy and stubby as I hoped, but it works. Sort of. The necklace I had to clumsily copy-paste from elsewhere, obviously. As is quite clear, I couldn't draw to save my life.

Also, perhaps likewise unsurprisingly It's About Time is my favorite episode. :twilightsmile:

2067770
Dotted looks awesome! :twilightsmile: Also, given its description in the story, the necklace seems entirely appropriate as is. :twilightblush:

Before reading: Is this based on the movie of the same name, which has a fairly incompatible premise to the mlp brand of magic, or the method of excommunication used on Robert the Pious*, or neither? :rainbowhuh:

*Talk about ironic names...

2069182
Excommunication, all the way. Though obviously there's a bit of a magic connotation to the phrase, thanks to the play.

Well, to be fair, I'd heard the phrase before, I liked the sound of it, could see a way to use it, and knew Equestria had a canon history of turning some human cultural artifacts on their head. Then I followed up to see where the phrase originated and thought it was a reasonable way to go, given the predicament of the OC. Actually, I kind of enjoyed checking out Wikipedia's list of cultural references to the phrase.

After reading: Very nice. I'm excited to see where this goes. Methinks Bellbray is going to have a harsh lesson in racial tolerance before long. :rainbowwild:

2069236 Well... That just raises more questions. What use would excommunication have in MLP's cultural makeup? Do you mean the most literal and ancient sense of the word: estrangement? Don't answer. I'll wait for the answer in-story. Faved and liked. :twilightsmile:

Intriguing premise and well-constructed so far. Faving to track.

On a snowy, silent night, a nervous unicorn wanders the empty streets of Ponyville. Alienated from the life he had known - a beautiful fiancé, a crafty mentor, and an oath of duty - Bellbray finds himself thrust into a new world with unlikely friends and unexpected dangers. Can he discover a way to escape and return to the mare he loves, or will the threads of fate bind him here against his will?

Okay, firstly, to anyone reading the comments to decide if they want to read the story: the premise is intriguing, the OC described in the synopsys is more interesting than the standard "loner pony OC wanders about angsting", and the premise has lot of potential in the world-building and culture-building departments.

Anyway. From a marketing point of view, I have to wonder if that synopses is selling the fic short. It doesn't tell us very much about who Bellbray is or why he might have an interesting story to tell. The reader is going to find this information out by the end of chapter one anyway, so I don't see the harm in putting in synopses. Chapter one still has a purpose, and that would be to expand on the premise and answer the hows.

2069571
Given the low initial view rate, I suspect you're right. You're absolutely right that I was trying not to give too much away, but that could well be burying the lede. I'll take another look at this when I have some time and see if I can make it more attractive. I like OC's for what they allow story-wise, but given Sturgeon's Law's apparent overapplicability to original characters in fanfiction, I've never had a particularly good idea of how to sell an OC story (short of trying to write it well enough that readers would be willing to recommend it to others). I'm also a little worried about the genre tagging, based on my outlining, but I don't see a lot of ways to fix that short of removing all genre tags.

In any case, thank you for the advice. It's very much appreciated.

2069852
This guide by Blueshift may interest you how-to-get-people-to-actually-read-your-stories. As for the question of what OC's can do, I'd turn that around and instead ask: "what is the awesome premise of my story that required me to invent an OC." Let's have a look at the description of "antipodes" by PK.

Set in the far future after Celestia and Luna mysteriously vanished and the sun and moon froze in the sky, Antipodes the the story of two ponies thrust out into the harsh new world on an adventure to uncover what happened to the world so long ago.

This is a great description. Its front-weighted in that the unique selling point of the story is nicely summarised in the first clause. In this way, we have enough information by the second clause to conclude that the OC's we are told about are "necessary."

SPOILER ALERT!!!
(
1.) Most questions rhetorical, because they are just to help you see what is going through my head as I read.
2.) I'm no English major.
3.) I am a bit more tired now than I usually am, so this may not be as coherent as it would otherwise be.
)


Clover was aways there with a joke whenever anypony fell for one of her pranks.
-always

For a few moments, Bellbray had been convinced the whole cave was collapsing.
-It probably was.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a fading magenta glow in the air, almost lost to sight.
-Sunset, or Twilight's aura? I can't see Twilight starting a cave-in intentionally.

A part of his mind registered that the entrance seemed further away than it had a few minutes before.
-Is he passing out? I could be moving via Chrysalis's bubble spell (the one she used to send Twilight into the caves under Canterlot, but I doubt it. If he is, then either Twilight or Shining Armor is casting it probably.

Creating light had never been much of a talent for him.
-Interesting. Guess it isn't universal to be able to make strong light, despite weak light being a side-effect of most spellcasting.

Happily, the last traces of the magenta glow still clung to his hooves, giving him a rough idea of the ground around him.
-I didn't realize HE was glowing. Interesting.

It really was further away.
-Ok, I thought that it was moving further away, rather than merely being further away than when he last looked at it (he was knocked unconcious, right?). Did he get teleported by Twilight or Shining Armor or another unicorn with a purple color to their magic? The "move through rock bubble" spell is also still a possibility. Bet that isn't even the same entrance as the one he is comparing it to. Might not even be a cave that connects to the one he started in.

Bellbray was so lost in thought he almost walked off the edge of a mountainside.
-The cliff supports my guess about this being a different cave entrance, and the phrasing "a mountainside" makes it almost a sure thing.

in sight of the old castle where they said the unicorn kings used to live generations ago.
-Assuming this is NOT the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree. Also, it seems like he might have fallen asleep for a century or two. In any case, such a location would make sense for having odd magic laying around. The point about not being able to return home then could be that it would require a powerful time-travel spell (in which case it would probably be time magic, rather than stasis/sleep that would have fast-forwarded him).

but there was no way to mistake this for the area around the old castle.
-Well, the terrain COULD have changed over centuries, but this would tend to indicate that he is specially displaced, not chronologically.

Could he hear breating, out there somewhere?
-breathing

He had hardly been parted from her, in the month since their engagement.
-Ok, this makes a betrayal by her very unlikely. Which makes sense given that most authors don't like to make their summaries THAT misleading.

"Reason is oft left idle, lost between head and hoof." The voice of his mentor rang in Bellbray's mind.
-An intellectual then, which makes sense given the mystical nature of the title. Actually, I think the implements mentioned in the title are generally used for summoning or banishing demons. Was he banished like a demon? Was a demon summoned that is the only entity that would know how to get him back to where he was? Was he banished for trafficing with demons (or falsely thought to be so?)? That last seems unlikely given the set-up.

like a slack-jawed Earth pony.
-Bit of a racist is he? Maybe he is from before Hearth's Warming, or maybe soon after it? Or in the area that the three tribes left due to the Windigo-blizzard (and no time-travel/stasis is involved), and modern Equestria does not encompass all of the land that the three tribes controlled?

But what choice did he have?
-There are other options, but he might not have the chops for them. For instance, if he could cast both Twilight's cloud-walking spell, and Trixie's lightning-cloud summoning, and the clouds last long enough, he could build himself a sort of stair-case and jump down in segments. Scary, but possible. Failing that, some sort of "spider climb" spell that would allow his hooves to adhere to the slope without need of hoof-holds could work. There are many other possibilities I am sure. Also, interesting that "down the sharp slope" counts as a long distance. I guess most of Twilight's teleports are less than 50 feet and anything longer than that is a heroic act.

With a sudden smile, Bellbray clapped his hooves together. That ought to work.
-Third option it is. I wonder what you will come up with?

his horn glowed with a weak purple aura
-Ah, so it could have been his own magic his body (or at least hooves?) where glowing with. If he cast a "spider climb" spell and didn't remember it, that would explain how he got to the first cave more easily (or down a cliff in the cave that was part of his path to this other entrance). Maybe he fell part-way down a wall despite the spell and that is why he can't remember?

as a bubble of protective force appeared around him.
-Going to get down like a super-ball?

Unfortunately for Bellbray, the floor of the cave wasn't completely level.
-Going to roll out before he is ready?

but he'd counted on having more time to focus on getting a teleportation spell right.
-Ah, so the force-field was just so he could aim just above tree-height (or house height if he is trying to get into town, rather than just down the cliff), and have safety measure for appearing off-target in any direction? Of course, if ending up inside a solid object isn't a possibility with a teleport, it could just be in case he ends up in the air in the first place, rather than that being his point of aim.

With eyes as big as teacups,
-In other words MUCH smaller than they normally are? :rainbowwild: Sorry, I just like to play the proportions of the ponies completely straight in my fanon.

He saw flashes of color and the facade of a small shop as he fell,
-Oh, so he isn't that far from the town? I thought it was off in the distance horizontally, and the vertical distance was negligible in comparison.

dropping almost five meters to the ground.
-Ok, I thought the drop was more than that.

The protective bubble crashed into a thick blanket of snow and burst around him.
-That would have helped cushion his fall, yes.

Its roof was shaped like a court jester's hat. Nearby, a larger shop looked to be roofed in horsehair.
-I don't THINK there are any cliffs with caves in them in Ponyville, but I could be wrong. The horsehair thing is also something I don't remember from the show. Conclusion: This isn't Ponyville, or if it is it is a different time-period than the show.

except for a tall, round building at the center of an open ring of snow-covered ground.
-Well, that sounds like Ponyville. Maybe the horsehair is a barber shop you invented? Perhaps where Snips' family lives?

It was lit up like a candle, glowing from every window.
-Consider "lantern", since candles don't have any interruptions in the light they shed?

That glow had seemed so faint from the mountainside - he had been sure it couldn't belong to more than a village.
-And this is where I realized that "Pop!" was the sound of him attempting the teleport in a hurry. Seems like I was right about the nature of the safety precaution. Maybe it is a standard technique that his mentor was waiting to see when he would figure out on his own? Also, this now seems like it could be Ponyville shown in the show. The horse-hair roof still seems odd though.

Instead, it was a darkened town with only a single lit building.
-Ah... maybe he got caught up in Celestia's banishing spell, and only returned to existence when Luna escaped?

The buildings around him looked nothing like the unicorn towns he knew. Nor like the structures he remembered from the few Earth pony settlements he'd seen.
-Time displacement looking very probable. Still could be spacial displacement from a unicorn-ruled country that isn't Equestria.

forcing one hoof in front of the other.
-Is he fighting fear, exhaustion, or what?

The building was jam-packed with ponies - unicorns, yes, but pegasi and Earth ponies too. He looked at the gathering in shock. Was this some sort of grand assemblage?
-Further evidence for extreme displacement in either time or space. I'm betting on time and him getting caught up in Luna's banishment. Maybe you will have his fiancee by a Lunar sympathizer? Sidenote: I REALLY don't like the idea of Luna having much if any support for her revolt. If she had, she wouldn't have had a motive for revolting in the first place.

No, the ponies here weren't dressed in their best,
-Interesting, given that this was something that Celestia was making an appearance at. I wonder who the arguing ponies could be? It can't be the EoH because they did their arguing back at the library, not city hall. Unless this is one or more years AFTER Nightmare Moon's escape and the SSC is being held in Ponyville again.

It did seem much warmer in here than outside. Some sort of heat spell, maybe?
-Sounds like a set-up for him eventually discovering that central heating exists (yet another argument for time-displacement). Of course, the SSC is held near the hottest day of the year... wait, no, it is winter, so this can't be the SSC. Maybe it is the opposite? The longest night of the year? If Equestrian holidays happen at the same times of year as their Earth counterparts, that would put it near Hearth's Warming, although I suspect this is a separate holiday for Luna to be recognized for raising the moon.

A brown Earth pony with a dark mane to match turned to look at Bellbray for a moment, his eyes narrowing,
-Doctor Whooves recognizing a fellow time-traveler (or at least time-displaced)?

but just as quick he was back to watching the argument with the others.
-And playing it off casually? Or maybe just annoyed about the draft.

A dark gray pegasus stallion with a silver-white mane and a suit of black armor was pacing across the platform, shouting at a unicorn wearing a purple-and-white cloak. "Great. Now there's no way out! We're trapped!"
-So, a night-guard (probably as seen in "Its About Time" rather than Luna's chauffeurs), and... a high-ranking day guard? Rarity? In any case, the idea of them being trapped is odd. Maybe the Windigos returned? Nothing trapping them is visible. Ideas about Shangra-La come to mind, but that seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, a mist of white confetti blew across the stage around them.
-Indicating that the disaster trapping them happened in the last few hours. If it weren't for the snow I would say that this is the SSC from the pilot episodes and Nightmare Moon sealed off the town. I suppose it COULD have gotten cold enough for snow without the sun, and the second-in-command of the weather patrol ordered snow to keep the buildings better insulated (yes, snow really works like that sometimes).

But I've never heard of an acting troupe with non-unicorn players before.
-Anywhere, or just in the unicorn lands he is from? I can't think of why they would be intrinsically better actors... actually I can. Both options are time-specific:
1.) Amplification spells are expected to be provided by the actors, rather than handled separately (perhaps via magitech like DJ-PON3's turntables).
2.) Unicorns were the leaders in such an "intellectual art".

Now the unicorn in the cloak, an aquamarine-colored mare,
-Trixie?

was shouting back at the pegasus and an improbably-dressed purple pony with pink mane and green eyes.
-Can't remember if Cheerilee has green eyes. Of course, the default assumption given the POV is that the purple pony would be a unicorn (but not Twilight).

"You've been fighting, too, 'your highness'!" The voice of the black pegasus dripped with scorn.
-Sounds like Windigoes then. Also, I didn't realize that the pegasus was black, thought it was just his armor.

That from the purple Earth pony with what looked to be a bowl of pudding balanced on her head.
-Ok, so... they aren't in a cave, and the leaders are unfrozen despite knowing what the danger is? I guess the play could be simplified on both those counts. Or maybe this was a return of the Windigos soon after their initial defeat by The Fires of Friendship? Which means that the "time travel" could be him being frozen by the Windigo-Winter.

As she spoke, the light-blue glow of somepony's magic covered her hooves, and ice began creeping up her legs to freeze her in place.
-So the play also got wrong the fact that the ice glowed?

The three kept trading insults until, finally, they were encased in ice from head to toe, leaving the stage to the other three ponies.
-Oh DUH... it is a modern Hearths-Warming Eve PLAY. That explains the magic glow, and the fact that there isn't a cave, and this is (almost certainly) Ponyville, which didn't even exist at that time.

low howling noise filled the room as white streamers and painted images of things that looked like monstrous white horses were made to dance a few meters above the stage.
-Ah! So the confetti was representing snow!

The mark on her flank looked suspiciously like an hourglass,
-Colgate/Minuette then...

Yes, he could remember his mentor telling he and Clover just that.
-Ah, so his fiancee is specifically Clover the Clever. Maybe he was shielded from The Fires of Friendship by the cave in, and it was only recently cleared and he thawed when the Fires of Friendship started to be lighted across Equestria? That would explain why we haven't seen the cave around Ponyville. I wonder if this is the same Hearth's Warming Eve that the Mane Six are in Canterlot performing? I also wonder if, as a pre-diarchal pony he will be interviewed vigorously by historians (or at least Twilight)? I mean the Diarchs have long memories, but they may fade with time, there may be no alicorns who were alive at that time, and besides, another account is always useful to a historian, simply because of differences in where they were and what they witnessed.

Somepony would surely know the way back.
-Well, yes and no... they aren't very good with time-travel spells.

"Then this is our fault, we three tribes," said the Earth pony of the three, a stallion with a caramel-colored coat and a brown mane.
-Interesting that the roles aren't genderlocked. Still, it makes sense. The originals may have even been mixed genders.

"No matter what our differences, we're all ponies."
-I wonder if Bellbray* will have a hard time adjusting to this comment, or even react strongly in his own mind to it even being said in a play?
*Does that mean "The bray of a bell"? Such that one might translate his name "BONG!"(No drug context)?

the fire of friendship
-Interesting this is not capitalized... then again it isn't even as unique as "The Olympic Flame" (which they keep a separate sample of in reserve to relight the torch if it malfunctions or is attacked or one of the runners trips or something).

This was all starting to feel very wrong.
-Catching on I see...

He listened to the song for a few moments, but it only seemed to magnify his discomfort.
-Because of the unity with "Dirty Earth Ponies" and "Featherdusters"? Or just because his subconscious is catching on?

Another pony was approaching him, however - the light-blue unicorn mare from the play.
-She would have had to hustle from the stage I would think...

He was so nervous, he didn't even care if she laughed at the name just then.
-He thinks of his name as being silly? Maybe I wasn't so far off with "BONG!".

and I was sure this year Twilight Sparkle was going to get to play Clover the Clever, but she and her friends...
-Are in Canterlot... right.

and I was sure this year Twilight Sparkle was going to get to play Clover the Clever, but she and her friends...
-Oh, yeah... didn't make the connection (have I mention I am even more tired than I usually am?). Yeah, that is going to be a harsh (or at least weird now, harsh later) revelation.

He had fainted dead away.
-Ok, so harsh now.

2070251
That. Was. AMAZINGLY. Helpful.

Thank you for helping me get some spelling errors and subpar word choices out of there. I'd read this numerous times, but unfortunately my usual beta skipped out on this story.

Thank you so much more for the step-by-step walkthrough. I haven't had access to that kind of feedback yet, so it's incredibly useful to be able to see what is and isn't connecting in the story right now. I'll have to sit down a little later and see if I can clean some of this up a little bit so it's clearer to the reader. My rule tends to be, everything that's unintentionally unclear is a problem. The fact that the teleportation wasn't immediately clear strikes me as a big problem. Same for not immediately recognizing it as Ponyville. (The hair-roofed shop appears in long shots of central square around the town hall, or at least the one I consulted, but choosing a more recognizable landmark would almost certainly improve that bit)

Anyway, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for some friends and I need to get back to it, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your comment. This is wonderful.

2070447
Yeah, mention him rushing the teleportation spell, then do the "Pop!".

I guess you could mention different/additional landmarks, but it actually doesn't strike me as critical, given the main character is VERY lost at the time.

Ghost called and I answered. This is quite the beginning you have here, let's see where it goes.

Good start, and very different from the Dash & Tank fic. Definitely looking forward to more.

Interesting. I will wait for more.

he could remember his mentor telling he and Clover
him and Clover (when a compound object contains a personal pronoun, the pronoun takes its usual Object form; see here, for example)

2096952
Thank you. I was unclear on exactly that point in writing that snippet, and was taking my best guess. Will try to remember for future use.

:rainbowkiss: shall read later, do not have time now

[youtube=gtOV7bp-gys]

Well, it's finally up!

I want to give a huge thank you to PoweredByTea and GhostOfHeraclitus for taking up the mantle of pre-reading this story. Their help has definitely made this chapter, and what's to come, better than it would have been were I just bouncing my own ideas around.

That's about it. Hope you enjoy!

Might give this a look just for the excommunication reference.

Earth Ponies still grow food, Pegasi still control the weather, but Unicorns? They no longer keep the heavens in turn; the Alicorns took that from them. Their old purpose is lost (and so they have 'fallen to nobility'. Or something equally flowery).

I'd never thought of it like that before.

Anyway, Tea sent me and I am glad he did. I'm definitely looking forward to more of this.

Sounds like someone needs a lesson in modern friendship, not to mention race relations. I imagine Rarity will soon take him well in hand about that issue.

The race relations thing is interesting. It's one thing to have lofty ideals about the way the world should work, but it's clearly another thing entirely to live and have grown up in a world that's always worked like that.

Can't wait to see how Twilight reacts if and when she finds out where he came from.

This is pretty great

2191292
I've had musings that improved farming methods and, well, something something magical science studies for weather would mean less ponies farming and directing the weather over the centuries.

Holy crap am I glad Ghost posted that this had updated. It had gotten lost in the shuffle when it went up, and I had forgotten all about it. :applecry:

This is pretty interesting. And anything involving he Doctor is going to be good. That's about all I got for now. If you want more, you gotta post more. :ajsmug: I get the feeling Starswirl would love it here in Ponyville. And Twilight is disappoint Bellbray.
I do have a question though. What does "Aubade" mean? My vocabulary has failed me. And I don't feel like looking it up. :trollestia:

2238246
Oh bah. I meant to respond to this earlier.

It's all 2067536's fault, really. He'll even admit it, I wager.

Don't worry, more is in the pipeline. With end-of-quarter upon me, though we'll have to see whether I can get something to the pre-readers in the next couple weeks or if the wait will have to be a bit longer. Gotta tell you, though, Time Turner really is an archaeologist (if still a doctor). There are digs and all. This will be a thing. And I think it will be enjoyable.

As for 'aubade'? I'm not clearing that up any more than I cleared up the story's cover image.

2244530
Ah, so that wasn't just a cover story by the Doctor then. Interesting. :derpyderp2:
So aubade is supposed to by a mystery? Alright, that makes me feel better about myself actually. :derpytongue2:
Looking forward to the next part, regardless of when it arrives. :ajsmug:

2245062


Aubade is a real word, meaning "a song or instrumental composition concerning, accompanying, or evoking daybreak."

Remember that in Bellbray's time, the unicorns still had to raise the sun themselves, and it was considered the fundamental task of unicornkind.

The in-story meaning of Aubade thus becomes pretty obvious with a quick Google.

2246551, 2245062
I said I wasn't going to clear that up. I didn't say it wouldn't be relatively easy to clear that up.

:raritywink:

"Actually, I don't really hate him – I just really, really, really, really, really dislike him.

You're missing an ending quote for this sentence.

2307549
I've... never heard of it. I'm guessing if it's a thing one plays that it must then be a game of some sort?

:facehoof:

2309052
That's probably because it's a fairly famous phrase used to denote excommunication used in a fair amount of classic literature (and alluding to the old ritual of excommunication where a bell was rung, a book closed, and a candle snuffed out). More recently, it was the title of a play and movie in the... 1950s I think?

Comment posted by FeatherDust deleted Apr 3rd, 2013

2309052
2310272
Bradel has it right.
The bell represents a death knell, symbolically representing the offender's death (in the church's eyes); the book is closed, which means the liturgy is closed to them (they cannot take communion or participate in any other church function); and the candle is snuffed, representing the removal of God's light from their life.
This is keeping in mind that at the time the standard church dogma was that any contact between the common people and God had to happen through a priest or other intermediary. They believed that an individual couldn't pray or anything on their own. (Well, you could, but it didn't do anything unless a priest was there to make sure God was listening. Or something like that.)
Because of the association with those excluded from the church, the phrase "bell book and candle" got quickly attached to witchcraft as well -- the 1958 movie by that title is about a witch living in modern New York City, for example. And the line from the play Cats: "Can you ride on a broomstick / to places far distant / familiar with candle / with book and with bell?" (Referring to a witch's familiar spirit, natch.)

This is quite good. Looking forward to more!

Alright, you hooked me with this chapter.

- Upvote
- Favorite
- Watch

I look forward to the next installment! :twilightsmile:

2533578 Well, with any luck that'll be coming in the next few weeks. It's waited long enough now, and I have it sketched out. It's just a matter of writing, but most of my time goes to the thinking so that's not a big issue. Headlines was a two-day project from start to finish, so it's just a matter of finding time to write and being able to get my words in order.

It feels slightly perverse that I've taken so long to get around to reading this. Mostly because of that blasted real-life responsibilities thing that continually seems to get in the way of ponyfic. Ah well, on with the show. Overall, this is amazing; it's rare that I get sold on a story when it's barely left the runway.

Some things that stood out:

The dream sequence is a bit iffy. The colourful visual transitions seem a bit off, like you're trying to write a how a dream sequence would be represented on the TV screen. I can only speak from own experience here, but I have never known dreams to work that way. Non-sequiturs just happen without being announced. (Ironically, a good example of this is in a film: eXistenZ was a bit of a mess, but it's transitions felt properly dreamlike).

It also feels as though the dream sequence is a bit gratuitious. Flashbacks might work just as well. But! I can hardly criticise on these grounds. I love adding gratuitious bits into stories.

When Bellbray rescues the CMC: I have something of an aversion to phrases like "orange pegasus filly" and the like. I see them far too often in ponyfic. From Bellbray's viewpoint, I doubt he'd pay much attention to colour and tribe during a situation like that. From a standpoint of getting information to the reader, I think it could be done more subtly. Once we know they're the CMC (which is pretty much given away by them being three fillies in peril), the fact that one uses her wings suffices to identify her as Scoots. Once we know she crashes into Sweetie Belle (identifying Sweetie as a unicorn would be al lright here, I figure), that's all that's needed. (This, too, comes with the caveat of arising from my subjective aversion to something trivial.)

When Bellbray goes after Snowflake, the pacing feels a tad jumpy. This is probably my biggest issue (and it's not a particularly big one at that). For one thing, if he's just been underwater, it doesn't seem like he'd be in a good state to go galloping up the river bank. Second, the commotion seems to have died down very quickly. Nearly-drowned (and soaking wet in freezing temperatures) Apple Bloom would still be drawing a lot of attention. I also think that Rarity would be a lot less composed at this point - and probably fussing over Sweetie Belle still.

Looking back, that seems like a load of criticism. A lot of words for three pretty minor things.

Oh, yes. The handling of Bellbray's racism is absolutely masterful. Being a productive of his time, if an enlightened one. It feels authentic and does not make him unsympathetic in the slightest.

2563676 These are all great points (and I mean that very seriously – thank you for taking the time to highlight these), though I'm a little torn on whether to edit for them. On the one hand, the story's still in progress and it wouldn't be hard to go back and improve this section. On the other hand, I really should be focusing on the production of new material. I'll have to think about it. Some of the easier edits like LUS-avoidance are probably so easy I could just jump in and do them.

The dream sequence... now there's a thing. It's very greatly changed from its original formulation, and basically all the things you disliked were late additions based on my pre-readers finding the original version just downright bland and uninteresting. I still trust their judgment on that, but it seems like my fix may not have worked as well either then. I think I'm going to take this as a sign that I need to just not engage in dream sequences until I have a much better idea of how I want to construct them in the future.

The bit with Snowflake... I have an awful suspicion that I may just rush things as I close in on the end. I can definitely understand your criticisms on this part. I'm very glad you liked the overall racism arc. I was very worried about where the sympathy line would be and whether I'd wind up crossing it, especially with his actions at the end. But... this is the bit that gives me the most pause in going back and editing, because I suspect it needs some heavier clean-up to make it more plot-wise sensible. The end points shouldn't have to change any, so it's not hard to go edit in terms of overall structure, but it could turn into a bit of a morass. Then again, my hope is to really get some more BB&C under my belt this week, so maybe I'll take a crack at it.

Thank you very, very much for the criticism here. This is definitely helpful.

SPOILER ALERT!!!
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"It's something the books describe as a ‘fixed point’. The longer you’re here, the more unstable..."
-Going to be bringing Doctor Whooves into this? Or just Starswirl and maybe Minuette as experts on time magic?

The pegasi said they had a big one planned for this Hearth's Warming Eve, but I don't think anypony expected it to be that big.
-He brought some Windigoes with him? They shouldn't be TOO hard to get rid of if the legends are true... OTOH if the Fire of Friendship only held them at bay or powered Star Swirl's spell to send them into the future... well, Twilight is out of town, and Ponyville could end up cut off without the rest of Equestria realizing the magnitude of the problem.

And it's just Minuette, no Miss.
-I am poor with my female titles. Does this mean she is unattached?

"This is the future." The words came out as a whisper, and their utterance seemed to crystallize the idea into a tangible reality.
-Logical one. But with how much you make Star Swirl the Bearded sound like Sherlock Holmes in his dedication to logic, that makes sense. I wonder if he will be able to get back?

Were her eyes red from crying, or were Bellbray’s thoughts still addled by his predicament?
-Why would she be crying? Were the voices from her discussing him, and she is crying for his sad fate that she ALMOST can set right, but not quite?

She glanced over her shoulder at the room's open doorway. "Doctor?"
-We shall see which sort of "Doctor"...

As if on cue, a brown stallion entered the room. He had a dark mane and an hourglass-shaped mark on his flank, a match for Minuette's own. And he was an earth pony.
-Right... would not have expected this based on the first chapter, but it makes sense. I wonder if he is in the TARDIS or some more mundane location? Probably a mundane location.

My name is Time Turner.
-Ok. Well, that allows the possibility he ISN'T a Time Lord... could just be good with time spells.

being taken by exhaustion and waking up in an unfamiliar place.." He sounded like he might have some personal experience with that scenario.
-Similar to Regeneration?

Medicine’s not really my gig. I’m more interested in... exploration.
-Time Lord. Almost certainly. Although he could explore time without being a Time Lord.

The earth pony’s eyes blazed with a mad intensity, blazed like the fires at the heart of the sun. Bellbray could half imagine he was looking into portals that stretched back, ancient and forever, to the center of time itself.
-Right...

“Trust me. I’m a doctor of archaeology.”
-Almost certain... you are either meaning to leave it ambiguous or he is a Time Lord.

"I find I must apologize. I was not entirely honest before. Truth to tell, I don't really have a place to call home right now.”
-Well, that was quick.

Master Star Swirl had tried hard to instill in him the value of all three pony tribes, but despite the friendly tone, that had sounded like an earth pony giving orders to a unicorn. The idea was just... unnatural.
-Interesting that you make Star Swirl that enlightened. Still, I guess it makes sense that he would at least be philosophically open to the idea of some CLOSE to equality given how Clover the Clever turned out.

he found it difficult to look at the earth stallion after hearing him offering to provide the charity of a place to stay in town.
-Thinks it should be his due or just that needing help from an earth pony is beneath him?

Well, I have a few books, but I don’t know if they’d be what you’re looking for. I suppose there's the library, too. I don't really know what sort of books are in there, but if you were looking for information about history – for whatever reason – that would be a good place to start.
-Yeah, looking more and more like a Time Lord thing. An expert on time magic would have history books around.

"Ponyville's not that small," Minuette said as she turned onto a wider thoroughfare. "And anyway, I've been to plenty of towns smaller than this
-Towns got smaller as Equestria got safer? Or is it just that only large cities had libraries in his day?

Though ours is a little... different.
-The librarian and the basement are unusual. The selection of books... well, I guess if Twilight had a while to order new books and change the filing system it could be weird. Or is she just talking about the fact that it is in a tree?

And she seemed so meek about it. Had she been exiled from the sky for cowardice, like old Tawnyfeather?
-Interesting.

Well... yeah. I don't really know how that happened.
-So is that all it is? Or is there more to her thinking of it as unusual than that?

I've been wondering what it meant ever since Time Turner...
-Plucked him away from certain death? I wonder if he will have to go back and meet his fate, and either his last words will inspire Clover, or he will be critical to the creation of the Fire of Friendship in some other way in his death?

The start of the familiar chant echoed in his mind, unbidden. With this bell, rich-resounding—
-Well, his magic is for banishment of evil spirits so he could have something to do with the creation of the Fire of Friendship.

How can a unicorn, any unicorn, not know the Aubade? That was our purpose!
-Summoning and banishing the sun and moon?

mane stylists – one of which was, indeed, housed in a tall horsehair-thatched building.
-Was that actually on the show? If not, good thinking!

Minuette seemed to be taking this tour thing very seriously.
-After resuming after a long break this is where it occured to me that the Aubade might be the way the Windigoes were held at something like bay... although I doubt it, given that the sun and the moon were called out as the unicorn's responsibility. I could look up the definition of Aubade, but that feels like cheating (if it isn't, you should consider turning that word into a link to a definition on Wikipedia or some place like that).

It's much more exciting than most of the places I go with Time Turner. But I suppose that's just me complaining that I didn't know what I signed on for.
-So maybe he really is an archeologist? Or maybe she is just maintaining her cover story... or she isn't in on Time Turner's secret (yet), but he did still transport our main character, and that really was his voice from a memory?

Not everything here is different, I suppose. Some pegasi are still prone to thinking with their muscles rather than their heads.
-Some more than others... I suspect he will not have a high opinion of Dash if he meets her... or Fluttershy, but for different reasons.

The huge white pegasus turned in mid-air, looking abashed. "Sorry Ace! Cloudsdale Gym's offering a 3-for-1 deal on protein bars. Gotta get there before they run out. Nothing personal!"
-Ah, I see... Bellbray's expectations are called out and then subverted.

Snowflake? His name is Snowflake?
-Not a very Pegasus name, or just not very fitting with how he looks?

The huge stallion crashed into the side of the cart with surprising force, shattering the wooden beams that connected the cart to the two pegasi in their traces.
-Going to see Ponyville pull together to rescue any injured ponies? Maybe even see a tiny fraction of Twilight's mega-telekinesis in action? And her repair abilities?

Three small fillies were skating directly toward where the cart would hit. Bellbray felt a stone drop into the pit of his stomach.
-He's going to save them? And then realize that they are both best friends and from all three tribes?

One of the three, an orange pegasus filly, flitted her wings wildly and threw herself to the side.
-Good touch... she has thrust figured out, just not lift. Also the most athletic of the three.

She careened into a short, white unicorn filly and the pair spun out, crashing into a snowbank at the edge of the river.
-I wonder if Scootaloo was intentionally trying to save Sweetie Belle, and just did it a bit clumsily?

Idiocy and – Bellbray’s horn flashed purple once more – teleportation.
-Teleportation is his specialty and he can't go a few hundred feet with good accuracy? I wonder if magic has advanced that much, or if it is that Twilight is just THAT good?

is control of the magic lurched as the filly’s body slammed against the icy cords.
-Flexible ice? Or just going with the "net" analogy?

Maybe there was something more he could do, but... What was it he thought he saw?
-Telekinetic Heimlich/CPR?

"You! Sun and Moon curse you, you damned filthy pegasus!"
-I see... and here he gets introduced to how easily Ponyville forgives, even on top of its lack of prejudice?

and crashed into the pegasus with his shoulder.
-Well, Bellbray has lost his mind...

Snowflake – such an idiotic name – went sprawling in the snow, knocking aside other ponies.
-Didn't expect it, or is he just really top-heavy?

purple-coated unicorn whose horn glowed with a fierce magenta light.
-Well, this should be interesting, I wonder how much of her power he will feel. Also, you have too much space between "a" and "fierce".

He has had a difficult few days, Mayor.
-Cover story, or was he out that long after fainting?

Am I such a poor student I can't even follow his teachings about the tribes?
-Ok, so Star Swirl was probably pragmatically progressive, rather than just theoretically.

and a white unicorn stepped forward with the filly's other friend trailing at her heels. "Mayor Mare? I believe perhaps I can offer some assistance in that regard.
-Makes sense that she would keep a spare room available for those in need... I just hope he is tidy enough not to annoy her too much...

"When he's not yelling at pegasi, he can talk like a proper gentlecolt."
-Easier with a unicorn? I am surprised he didn't even think of the fact that he was being chewed out by an earth pony.

-I look forward to the next chapter.

2568771 Thank you again for the nice point-by-point! I have some hope that the next chapter will be forthcoming before too much longer. I'm pleased to say that this time around, I think most of your questions are exactly what I want them to be at this stage: questions. I will respond to a few of them, though.

"And it's just Minuette, no Miss."
-I am poor with my female titles. Does this mean she is unattached?

No allusion to attachedness or unattachedness here. It's merely Minuette expressing that she's uncomfortable being called by a title all the time instead of just called by name.

"Ponyville's not that small," Minuette said as she turned onto a wider thoroughfare. "And anyway, I've been to plenty of towns smaller than this..."
-Towns got smaller as Equestria got safer? Or is it just that only large cities had libraries in his day?

Historically (speaking of Earth history here), libraries in the classical era were pretty much confined to large population centers. Here I'm speaking of public libraries (or at least research libraries), rather than personal libraries which were something of a fad back in ancient Rome.

Minuette seemed to be taking this tour thing very seriously.
-After resuming after a long break this is where it occured to me that the Aubade might be the way the Windigoes were held at something like bay... although I doubt it, given that the sun and the moon were called out as the unicorn's responsibility. I could look up the definition of Aubade, but that feels like cheating (if it isn't, you should consider turning that word into a link to a definition on Wikipedia or some place like that).

You can definitely expect clarification on this point later, but let's just say it's an open secret at best. It's a perfectly well-defined English word, if a seldom-used one. It's like the cover image – I like hiding information in plain sight.

"He has had a difficult few days, Mayor."
-Cover story, or was he out that long after fainting?

Time Turner graciously granting a cover story. I think I made it clear in the first section (before you took a break reading) that this was all happening the day following the first chapter.

Again, thank you very much for the feedback! (And now I'm off to fix my bad kerning)

2569333
You are quite welcome.
*Goes to look up "aubade" and "kerning".*

I don't usually read incomplete stories, for fear that they'll go on indefinite hiatus and also because even if they don't, a certain amount of emotional impact is lost when the consumption of the story is spread so thin. On the other hand, it is nice when a story you've been following updates, and you get to pick up a familiar thread and get new value from it, assuming you're not following so many that all the threads get tangled in the memory. Since I'm only tracking one other incomplete at the moment, I guess there's room for what looks like it will become an incredibly awesome adventure. :pinkiegasp:

You really do like your subtle cues. I always knew exactly what was going on, even when you never explicitly say so. The town is Ponyville, the big cylindrical building is the town hall, the event is the Hearth's Warming play, Twilight is with the mayor casting a suppression spell, and while you never set aside any time specifically to describe Bellbray, you compare his color to Cloudchaser on stage, and have his cutie mark show up as a topic of conversation, and by the end, I do really have a pretty clear picture of his appearance. No details are wasted, the hair-thatched shop from the opening is a stylist's shop later, the prop cart is set up before it gets crashed, the CMC are described before Applebloom is saved. Everything seems set up to reward the attentive reader in little cycles.

On that topic, I don't understand some commentators' objections to the use of color adjectives in describing newcomers to a scene. Ponies only have a few defining characteristics in the show, and color is one of the major ones, along with cutie mark, race, eye color, sex, and mane style, and the latter would probably be difficult to succinctly describe, not to mention that it would be a lot less likely for a quick glance in a stressful situation to result in an accurate description of a potentially complicated, obscured, or missing, cutie mark. "Lavender unicorn syndrome" exists because it's suited to the setting, and should only be considered a problem when it is providing redundant information. This strikes me as a "goto considered harmful" sort of situation, where people have been conditioned to reject any solution containing it, even in cases where it is, in fact, the best/simplest/most elegant solution. It's also not enough to simply reveal who was involved afterward. Deliberately concealing information that would be visible to a viewer in a narrative is always something that grates on me, as it gets my visualization of a scene stuck in limbo on my mental "stack", and consumes far more time than it ought to when I have to go back and edit in details to something I've already "seen".

So, back on the topic of the story, the "Doctor" and Minuette clearly have a pretty good idea of who Bellbray is, (As they set out to ambush him together at the end of the play) but are clearly wary letting him know what they know. My only question is why, and how much do they really know, and it can only be answered by moar story. In the meantime, it looks like the story arc being set up is one in which Bellbray learns to appreciate the wisdom of his mentor and discovers the value of harmony between the former tribes. I await his reaction to learning of the existence of the alicorn princesses.

So yeah, have your long overdue watch, and you better not forget about this story. :duck:

2586942

[A]nd you better not forget about this story.

No worries on that. I've promised in a few different places now that Ch.3 will be the next thing I publish, and the whole story is mapped out – it's just a matter of finding time to write, given that this project takes a lot more focus than a 6000-word one-shot.

I love that somebody appreciates the little cues. It's been long enough since I tackled Ch.2 that I've already forgotten some of what I did there, but you can probably make some educated guesses about what details will be seeing further mention as things move forward.

Anyway, thank you for the watch, I'm glad you like this, and I will endeavor to not disappoint!

It's here! It's here! It's finally here! :pinkiehappy:

Okay, I pre-read it, and everything, but still. It's on FiMFic and that makes it real.

So. Best chapter so far. Spot on characterizations all-around and Rarity gets to use prêt-à-porter in a sentence. What more could a fellow possibly want. :twilightsmile:

Oh wow, an update! Awesome! I love Bellbray as a fish out of water, trying to make sense of the world--and of course, interpreting or misinterpreting everything in the worst possible way. Can't wait to see more!

Woo, this was interesting. I almost feel like I knew Trixie's voice in the woods. I thought for a moment that she might unwittingly confirm Bellbray's suspicions that Twilight was a temperamental despot by revealing that she ruined her reputation and ran her out of civilization.

Poor Bellbray, so afraid of The Great and Powerful Twilight Sparkle. I keep waiting for him to ask about this "Celestia" everypony keeps swearing to, (at least 3 times in this chapter alone) but I guess he's still too worried about seeming ignorant to say anything.

A knock on the door of the boutique interrupted Rarity’s nascent harrangue, and the head of a familiar blue unicorn poked inside.

"Harrangue" is traditionally spelled "harangue".

EDIT: Quite a good chapter. I especially loved the characterization at the end.

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