• Member Since 2nd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 29th, 2013

DashieBear


I like PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T

When ponies die, they are trapped. Not in Hell (or tartarus) or in another body. They are trapped within the clutches of the evil witch pony Ternifia. She really hates adult ponies, but she loves foals and dead ones. And she has been stealing the souls of dying ponies since the beginning of time. But now, some trillion years later, she's getting bored of only playing with her dead pony toys. They're all terrified of her, and they keep getting older and older. So she decides to start stealing her other favorite type of ponies; fillies. So she starts foal-napping. At first it's just a random young filly from random cities and towns around Equestria. But then when three foals go missing from Canterlot, and another four in Ponyville, and another three in Manehatten, and many more from all over Equestria, ponies start wondering just what the hay's going on.
Auquamarine is a pony in her prime. The best age she could be. She's happy. She's going to school. Nopony looks twice if she has an extra glass of cider. And then her sisters, triplets, foals, disappear. And in her worry she becomes the prime target for the foal-napper. And she doesn't want to die. And to top it off, she happens to find out the real secret behind the foal-nappers foal-napping. And what will become of her. So she seeks out Twilight Sparkle and her friends for help. And they accept. But do any of them know what they're getting into?...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 4 )

The premise looks really promising but the writing feels a bit natural at some points. I would also have liked to know why she forces her captives to do these unusual things.

2436798 Thanks! First off, and second she just sees them as toys, and she is a seriously sadistic b***h. It made sense when I was writing it, and it'll explain it better later on in the story.

This review is from the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Where the Dead Equestrians Go

Grammar: 9.5/10(my max since always room to grow:pinkiehappy:)

Pros: Has some great potential and I don't think I've seen this done before in a story.
Grammar is top-notch and reads like a dream.
You've got a very interesting villain/anti-hero type character for Ternifia

Cons: Ternifia is interesting but she also sees to be a bit cliche in her responses.
The chapter feels a bit short at only 2k words, in my opinion it could have been longer.
oh and what Emblis said about your writing feeling a bit [un]natural at times.

Notes: Well your story has some great points to it. I would like to see where you plan to go with this in future chapters so it gets a like and fav from me.
You've got some nice description in your story, There is one part I didn't quite get,

Ahh, ahh, ahh. You won't be going through any of those doors today… that I can promise you.

Then later in the chapter you have Ternifia through her into the door with a pony in shackles. Was Ternifia referring only to the last two doors or all of them. Anyway i look forward to more of this.

I hope you liked the review my current story Guardian of the Hearthfire is currently under some major revisions. But I was wondering if you might be interested in lending me a hand with the rewrite. Send me a Pm if your intrested.

2492696 Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it.

Also, that part where she said she wouldn't go through the doors and then she did, I wrote half of the chapter one day and the rest a few days later, and I guess I just didn't re-read it. :derpytongue2: oops.

Also I'd love to check your story out! Expect a PM from me and the subject! :raritywink:

Login or register to comment