Warbalist
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In the name of Fo:E do I claim this first post. In other news, welcome to the herd. And to end the comment, who made your cover? Because it is rather good
2061694
That would be MrMech. He's fantastic, and we all love him to bits and pieces.
It wouldn't have happened without LeatherDuster, though. He made it all possible by commissioning it, himself! He's beast-mode!
Interesting....... And awesome cover art!
I bid you welcome to the herd!
2061735
Thank you so much!
MrMech is wow material. I can't believe these artists and their abilities. Ridiculous.
At one point you really need to make your group in the story visit a Magic Castle like place. Because the options are unlimited. (Like the Magic Castle in Hollywood.) Cause that would be awesome.
2062130
What kind of magic castle we talkin' here? Greyskull?
Ohhhhhhh, you mean the Magic Castle?!
We'll see. There are a lot of fun, Hollywood things to throw in. 
2064119
Yes, The Magic Castle.
Wonder if The Great and Powerful Trixie had a member card, and one of her posters in there?
Hoh boy. Here we go.
This is a very interesting concept you have here, I can honestly say that I haven't seen anyone use Applewood as the setting for any of their stories yet. And I'm curious to see what story you plan to tell us in the city of stars. To note, I base my reviews on the reading of your first and last chapters upon the writing of this review, anything in between I am fairly naive about.
So to begin with, let's start with your writing style and narration. The tradition amongst sidestories has been for quite some time a first person POV, but I'm always eager to see changes in small things like that, and you seem to have handled this in a decent manner. But to be honest, the flow of the narration is a bit awkward, and seems to have a tendency to jump from place to place in a single scene. Unfocused is the word I'm looking for. It's not entirely bad, as it's able to focus enough for us to get a fairly decent picture of whats going on. And what we can see through the narration is a work of art.
Continuing from that, you also suffer from the easy trap of rushing. Even if a scene lasts for paragraphs upon paragraphs, we never actually seem to sit still. Going from character to character rapidly, this guy looks like this! Now she's talking! But what's he thinking? That man over there looks a bit shifty!
You also introduce characters quickly, and as a side effect of your writing style, we don't have too much context to go along with what's happening. I don't know who this character is other then a quick exposition, why should we care what happens to the character? What makes us feel for them? Makes us relate?
After all that, there isn't anything bad worth mentioning. Like I said before, when we're able to see what's happening, and the times we stop and look at the world around us, we can appreciate the world you have brilliantly crafted. The setting, style, characters, plot, are all very unique and engaging. You style each character in a unique and different way, the way they speak, hold themselves, and interact is on par with someone great stories, it's just the pacing and narration that needs a bit of fixing. Other then that, it's a good story. I've always believed there is no such thing as a bad idea or plot, just poorly executed ones. But if you work just a little bit more on it, this could be something worth reading, and even more, worth admiring.
Cheers!
2070559
I'm definitely taking what you said into consideration and re-reading some materials on those exact subjects. Thanks for the advice.
okay, this is a very well written FO:E story, couple of what seem to be typos, now if only I could figure out the overarching plot...
2121040
Ermergerd! Whert's gernner herppern?
I Hope that's legible...
2123827
Well, thank you so much! Some typos (such as accents) are purposeful. Some typos (such as things that make me facepalm) are my fault, entirely.
Glad you're enjoying the confusion so far. The plot should reveal itself after a while, especially considering I'm focusing on not adding any "side quests", if you will. So take heart!
And thank you for reading!
Slightly confusing, but certainly interesting.
Only thing I have my problems with are the heavy accents (Frankfurter in this case). It's not a bad thing, it's just difficult to understand sometimes. But maybe that's just me.
2598943
Thank you. The confusing nature is part of this style of writing. I, personally, am a fan of movies and books where I'm lost until one bit of information finally lets everything else come together. (E.g.: Watchmen, The Prestige, Serial Experiments: Lain, American Gods)
You are not alone in you difficulty in understanding characters like Raze and Grandma. Raze's accent is modeled off of the Philadelphian accent which I find quite amusing in extreme cases. My editors are none too fond of them, either. Needless to say, I'm trying to tone it down a bit for later chapters. Grandma's accent is very Brooklyn sounding, and that accent gives me the warm fuzzies when spoken by someone with a cute voice. But again, I'll be toning it down.
Hope you're enjoying it, so far. The story is beginning to tighten up this past chapter and will be in a lot more focus come chapter 9. That said, I don't intend for this story to be too terribly long. I'm not trying to be Fuzzy or Somber. We already have those cats, and they're very good at what they do.
First, my own apology to those who have been waiting for this next chapter. A fun combination of real-life events and forgetfulness, all on my part, delayed its timely release. For that I am sorry.
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2600082
re: Accents: Yeah, they're tough. Most everyone's used to reading the Applejack or Calamity light southern by now, but others are trickier. Sugahcube.
Posting my thoughts over on the clouds, thought I'd let you know over here. Not bad overall though, so far.
2604133
It's alright, YAP. You know we love you! Ya jerk!
2609450
Posting good information for me, too. Love hearing feedback from other people's perspectives.
By the way, if you're not familiar, Kippershy means the Cloudsville forums: http://cloudsville.forumotion.com/t997-fallout-equestria-fertile-ground
Please, converse... and I don't mean the shoe.
2627222
Well thank you so much! YAP has been working closely with me in developing skills in making engaging scenes, and I'm glad to see it paying off. I'm still holding to the "no side missions" idea of telling this story. Everything has its purpose and place.
You like Solidarity? Yeah, I think Marrow likes her, too.
You know, I always say I'd like to read Pink Eyes, or Murky Number Seven; but I never seem to get the time to do so between college and my own projects, be it art or literature.
I have the chance to finally start... and I read this.
I do not regret it one bit. What a way to start off a story, I'm surprised this hasn't gotten more views, much less comments and likes. I'm gonna stick with this intriguing and, in some parts, funny tale. I only spotted one error (is it even an error?) while reading: “Of course ah c'n hear you dahlin',” she exclaimed, switching to another stallion's voice.
Now the only thing left to say
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvmswyXv421qgfkxyo1_500.gif
Pony cancer, Ponymorph, I just don't know daddio!
Plough's little introspection made me think of this:
i.qkme.me/367ifz.jpg
I laughed. Even while reading about cancer and horrid mutations...
Kandy seems nice, though. Shucks, not so much.
Jack the Mule is one pimpin' mofo. I'm gonna go ahead and guess he turns into the Mysterious Stranger down the road. Smooth ass som-bitch.
Obligatory proof-reading: "She felt a slap of a hoof on her backside, triggering a memories she tried everyday to forget. She heard the raucous laughter behind her."
Getting rid of taint is expensive business. Solidarity has a bit of Trixie in her while being autonomous from the hive mind. Most peculiar.
I don't fancy Marrow much. He is quite the poopbutt in my personal opinion.
Just before jumping into this chapter I thought, "I wonder how all of these characters are going to get along when they finally meet."
Welp I got a partial answer. Not very well seems to cover it pretty aptly. I can't really say I'm surprised Raze has gotten himself in this situation. Too bad he was drugged, he could've made a Bond one-liner without sounding hysterical. Not that he'd be making any witty comments after being kicked in the dick *SPOILERS*
More proof-reading ahoy!
"The earth pony levitated her binoculars and focused them on said fat-ass" Magic using earth pony OP plz nerf
"(Staggering to his feet, his mouth was now dripping continuously with blood dangling off of long, thick strands of dirtied saliva.)" Does this sentence really need to be parenthesized?
" Her eyes darted around, looking for anything to use as a weapon." Spacing issue. There's a few more examples of this in the same paragraph.
“With great care and attention to detail. I mean, we don't want her escaping and tearing apart families again, do we? Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The two Fire Stones meandered over to face Raze. The Mare in the plum suit spoke. Anyway, I believe you Fire Stones have something to say.” The ghoul pegasus was dragged off to make way for the two Fire Stones. The mare in the plum suit spoke." Self explanatory...
Considering how long this chapter was, the rarity of these mistakes has to be commended. That all said and done, I am looking forward to more so that means...
2723529
Ha! Yep.
You are so lucky for not having read Pink Eyes, yet. It's my favorite of all the FO:E stories.
Murky Number 7 is also fantastic. Fuzzy's no slouch.
Wow! That typo. What a shame, Mittens. What a shame. (Mittens was my main editor at this point.)
2723655
I truly Lol'd. I miss that movie.
2724223
I love Jimmy. He's a lot of fun to write.
Interesting. That "a" doesn't exist on the hard drive version of this chapter, but does online. Hmmm... Bad me!
2724319
Taint. Yeeech. Never tried the stuff, myself.
Marrow's a horrible pony. I'm not a fan of Pozole, either. He's a big trashcan full of poop.
2724653
Interesting. Once again, my hard drive version doesn't have these errors while the online versions do. Pretty big goofs.
Thank you so much for doing this. It's really, really helpful and thoughtful of you.
Raze will have something snappy to say in the future. He was just having a bad day.
Fate has reasons for her telekinesis. Besides, it's not all that powerful. Too much concentration for an earth pony. She's barely able to hold and shoot a weapon with it, let alone do anything close to what Littlepip could do.
2731162
Fate's a latent telekinetic? That's really cool. She's my favorite character so far.
And no sweat. If you ever get around to Clipped Wings I'd appreciate you pointing out goofs you come across. I've gone across the chapters a few times but I always have a nagging suspicion there's those few mistakes hiding in the sea of text, you know? Same for my other stories, really, now that I think about it.
2886952
Thanks a bunch!
I'm not entirely sure yet, but I'm aiming for around 30. Varying lengths, of course.
So they took medical equipment from a dying pony, makes me hate Steel Rangers even more. Good chapter again.
3128574
Yeah, they're pretty much horrible with their misguided ideals. Trueheart is slowly realizing he can't do the amount of good he wants within the confines of the Chain that Binds. Poor guy. He's trying.
Thanks a bunch for reading and commenting!
3150869
Hey, now! I'm almost finished with the next chapter, there buddy!
And thank you so much! I'll do my darndest to make keep upping the quality.
This was a good read. [SPOILERS INTERNALLY]
The progression of events throughout the chapter was engaging, but the ending struck a special chord with me. The sensation takes me back to Star Wars A New Hope where Luke is staring across the desert at the twin suns, and I think it's a fitting place to go to. Like Luke, Plough is now at the true beginning of his journey and will only grow from here. He's a pretty cool dude.
Run TypoBlam.exe
"Wants let in."
"His stare was a wolf's who had just happened upon a lonely fawn.."
"The two ponies past Knight Helado and entered the house." Not sure about this one; passed seems more appropriate but MS word doesn't see a problem with it.
"“CASA DE ARENA” was carved in the south face of the building ." Space in between the G and the period.
And I have to disagree with you. Filibuckster is the best pony name, ever. Too bad he's such a little SHIT- *connection terminated*
3166207
Thanks for the help again, compadre!
3178320
No prob. If I can make a suggestion for a future title in the same vein as the last one, "Caught With Their Pants Down".
I'm sure you can do a lot with a title like that.
Maybe it would be best if new readers stayed away from the comments until they caught up all the way... thar be spoilers ahead!
Final solution? And with that the Steel Rangers go right off the slippery slope into goddamned Nazi territory. Nazi pony territory. Nazi ponies after the apocalypse territory. Brings back memories of Metro, funnily enough. Glad to see Raze is back, though with (a?) bomb(s) in him, his grandma held captive and severe magic derived burns.
Fate is cool too. Knowing Fallout she's gonna be dead soon because depression is fun!
EDIT: Shouldn't Friendship City be capitalized?
A bit different from the other chapters but still good
3199541
Sleepy Shores is a deceptive type. Maybe genocide is in the cards, maybe not.
Poor Raze. He just can't catch a break to save his life.
Fate's my favorite character. I really hope I don't do anything too terrible to her...
EDIT: Whatever do you mean, sir or madame? Friendship City is of course capitalized! I certainly wouldn't wirte a bnuch of tpyos, wlould I?
3201481
This one does lay down some thick metaphor, huh? Leaves this chapter feeling a little soft. Thank you, though.
3202105
Ever noticed how your description sounds like a bad joke?
"A scribe, a farmer, three spies, an inventor, a store clerk, a broken-hearted warrior and a bodyguard all walk into a bar. The bar explodes and everyone dies. The end."
I think Steelhooves would be proud of me.
3202159
Just might have been inspired by a Pulp Fiction trailer I can't seem to find anymore...
I like the idea of an attempt at magical chemo-therapy. (btw, at one point you used 'the' twice in a row).
3208890
Just like the rhyme we all learned in elementary school: "A balefire drip can help sink taint's ship, but too much though and a ghoul you'll go." Of course, you might know it with different words.
Thanks for the heads up on the "the the." Those little remnants of editing are quite pesky.
And thank you even more for taking the time to read!
Just started reading this.
Poor creature. It must be awful to be three or more ponies jammed together, each clamoring to be in control and yet not quite fully in command of yourself, so to speak.
3273946
Yeech. I'm always reminded of the Borg from Star Trek: despotism disguised as a form of communism. That kind of thing creeps me out.
Also, the actual idea of not being the only person in your own mind must be maddening.
Also, also: thank you so much for trying out the story, considering how many FO:E stories there are. I truly hope you enjoy unraveling the ball of half-working Christmas lights that is the plot.
Every chapter gets better! Keep up the good work!
3535414
Thank you very much. Hope you're enjoying the music, too.