Great start! I can't wait to see where this goes.

Chapter is a bit short, but a good story non the less. Playing in the daughter is a good motivator, and I do want to find out what you plan to do with that.

>>160766160766 Thanks for reading and for the feedback.

Amira certainly has a part to play in the story, though what that part is may not become evident until later. That's all I can say for now.

The chapter pacing seems to be averaging out at just under 1500 words. This should increase over the next few chapters as things start to pick up a little.

Chapter 6 was a difficult one for me. I had a hard time deciding just how much social interaction was necessary. I hope I managed to put it all together nicely.

Also note that Applejack has been added to the main characters list. You'll see much more of her from now on.

Well that was very heart warming.

Aww! So sickingly sweet, I might have diabeties. Will Junebug recover? Is it possible for one of these ponies

To enter a relationship with James, and what do all those cryptic dreams mean? I'll keep watching and reading

To find out! Update soon, Yall!

My name is Plant, I love weed and smoke diabeetus.

No but really I like this chapter, needs moar words tho.

<(Dun dun dun!)

@ TheSlorg

Every letter, every word, every sentence, every paragraph, every chapter... that you have written so far is absolute magic. And i mean that. And i also enjoy the james and junebug interactions. I can't wait to see what's in store for them both in the future chapters, and i am definitely looking forward to more.

>>240720240720 Much appreciated, thank you. I'm happy that I can tell a story that people can enjoy.

There is definitely much more coming up with James and Junebug too.

Sweet and sad at the same time. I almost shed a tear when her voice wasn't healed along with the rest of her.

Hmmm.... I wonder how james is gonna help Junebug along in this traumatic time in her life? I seriously doubt there is much he CAN do, besides supporting her. but somtimes, even support can only go so far and do so much....  Anyway, on a happier note...I love this story! I can't wait to see what happens next  

This is amazingI'm trying to make a story of my own called 'The riddle' can you give me a few pointers cause like i said... THIS IS AWSOME!

This is absolutely beautiful. i love it, faved

>>256141256141 Thank you.

In answer to your earlier request for pointers:

I'm certainly not the best author on this site, but what I can suggest is constant vigilance in making sure your grammar, spelling, and punctuation is correct. There are many decent stories that are ruined because the author fails to capitalize properly, or writes run-on sentences. Getting a pre-reader or two can help catch mistakes that you might miss yourself (I don't use pre-readers, and often don't find a mistake until I've read a chapter five or six times. I am, in fact, still fixing errors in the earlier chapters). Many people use Google Docs and similar programs to catch mistakes. This is another thing I don't do personally, but for most people it's a good idea.

Secondly, keep characters in-character. For example, in this story Rainbow Dash has a somewhat mature sense of humor that isn't present in the cartoon, but she is otherwise identical to her show persona (I hope).

Lastly, fall in love with your story. If you read back over what you have written and begin to get bored, it's time to slow down and fix it. For me, the best stories seem to write themselves. This won't be the case for everyone, but as an example: I know exactly how The Final Element will end. I really have no idea what I'm going to put into chapter 17 though (as of writing this comment, anyway). When I get there, I'll have a good think about it and write it down. Sometimes my first ideas aren't always the best ones. Don't hit "publish" until you're certain that the chapter you've written is truly a part of the story you want to tell. Small grammatical errors can always be corrected later, but taking your story in a direction that you are uncomfortable with is hard to correct.

Good grief, I've written a wall of text.

The most important thing is to have fun writing. Not everything that is written can be a hit (have a look at the difference in reader numbers for The Final Element and one of my other fics, The Cutie Mark Master. Guess which one is considered a "hit"?), but there will be people out there who will appreciate what you do. For me, that's all the reward I need.

shit just got real.

I see what you did there with Derpy....well played

>>267879267879 Indeed, that was intentional.

She has her part to play in the story as well, but she earned herself an extra scene thanks to recent events.

Now that ending my friend, is soul crushing...

I demand moar!

Now if only James was Hasbro speaking to derpy, then they would never change her.

Sweet... sweet... sweeeeeeeeeet\

I dun went and broke myself.

Now to read something awesome, brb

You nearly killed Luna

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzxxfiApmT1qcmwsf.gif

But still awesome chapter!

>>283879283879 You can expect to see a bit more of Alwyn Asmodei in the future. You don't nearly kill the Princess of the Night, the wielder of the Final Element, and his best friend all at once without being able to handle yourself pretty well.

In my opinion, that was a bit over-the-top. You're overdoing the fight scenes, and the way I see it, exaggerating Alwyn's powers. So far, he looks like a possible Villain Sue – be careful.

>>284149284149 This was everypony's first meeting with him. He also managed to get the final element, eliminating Princess Luna's main source of offense. There's a very good reason that he fled when he did. The fact that Equestrian lightning did not do more damage is intentional and important as well. It did little harm to Derpy in the cartoon, and does little harm here.

EDIT: The qualities I wanted to show in Alwyn were speed, agility, and resourcefulness. He's the type to think ahead. He would have seen James drop the sword, and set up his ambush for when James returned. He had seen the sword block his first arrow, and did what he could to keep James away from it. Luna's arrival was unexpected, and the moment he was hit with Luna's magic, he grabbed the final element and was pleasantly surprised to see it work. From there, all he had to do was basically take down a winged horse. Not difficult, seeing as there are only two or three possible attacks Luna could have made.

He also showed a weakness in being too absorbed in trying to finish Luna off that he was blind-sided by one of the weakest adult ponies in Ponyville. His second weakness was revealed when he chose to stay and have revenge on Junebug rather than escape. We can see that this plan didn't work out too well for him, and he fled once he was surrounded.

Unfortunately, the very fact that I am explaining this probably means I didn't convey it well enough in the chapter. I am going to have to wait for more feedback before continuing this story. If a chapter rewrite is in order to more thoroughly point out the above points, then I'd rather do it before moving on.

>>284522284522 Cool, the lightning and physically fighting an alicorn unused to hand-to-hand combat I can understand. Learning from experience, too. But Alwyn had a few too many tricks up his sleeve, and I can't swallow the way he escaped or that the element very conveniently worked in his favor.

Maybe it's because of my past experiences with overpowered bad guys in fanfics, so I'll be neutral about it for now. However, it's a good idea not to dump so much resourcefulness on the reader all at once. If you can't avoid it, put it in his POV so we get a glimpse of what he can do, so the gamut of tricks doesn't look like a bunch of cop-outs.

>>288219288219 I agree with his escape method, to be honest. His ability to use the final element, however, is crucial to the story. I can't explain more than to say: he HAS to use it to further the plot along.

That said, I may do a simple rewrite regardless. I'd like to move on to the next chapter, but nobody else has come forward with feedback at this point. I need more than one opinion on this before I begin writing again.

Oh, wow, this version changes everything! It's far more balanced than before, while still showing that Alwyn is an overwhelming threat if encountered without preparations or a plan. Nice job!

Awesome... I just wonder what RD'll do now

oh shit.

also FIRST

"I turned over and found myself staring into the crystal blue eyes of Alwyn Asmodei."

Image: http://chzmemeafterdark.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/naughty-memes-shit-just-got-real.jpg

<(Oh look everypony, another thumbs-down. Why does TheSlorg even bother with this?)

<(Because there are a few people who like it and want him to continue?)

<(Because it's a story that deserves to be told?)

<(Honestly? I have no idea why he puts up with continuing this.)

<(Don't say that, Dashie. The poor guy puts his heart into this story!)

<(To Hell with them! They can burn in the endless fires of my rage!)

<(Eeyup.)

>>304126304126 Well I don't know why, but I can help counter troll with a thumbs up and a track, awesome story btw.

Good chapter, thank you!

people downvote HIE on principle becuase they just dont like HIE, even though the best they can do them selves is:

AND SUDDENLY THEY ALL HAD SEX!THE END! clopfics

or

super special trollfic.jpg

haters gonan hate slorg, keep up the good work

Some fics make me understand why pinkie cut rainbow apart...

I don't fucking get it. Youre a brilliant writer, why is this fic so... unknown? I mean 37 views and 0 comments? Thats just... sad. Did you try to get it featured on EqD? If you haven't you definitely should. I love the plot, the writing, everything. Keep it up!

Daaaawww

Dude...

>>240720240720 What he said. Im completely hooked.

>>256220256220 You sir are Awesome.

Twilight NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

>>308482308482 I find most HiE fics to be generally enjoyable

And I wonder why they assumed that stabbing him would kill him?

>>309063309063 there's actually a group of folks that intentionally go around down-voting stuff that's HIE based.Vote bombings still possible and they down vote without reading it.

>>309124309124 So their just groups of trolls? Meh there will be some on any place that allows any form of rating... be it this site, youtube, etc.

>>309063309063 Equestria hasn't had a violent crime in thousands of years, and James has never taken anyone's life before. In fantasy, characters can recover from such horrible wounds (such as what just happened). In reality, being impaled with a sword is an almost 100% guarantee of death without immediate medical treatment. James forgot that he's in a fantasy land, and is paying the price for it.

>>309570309570 I mean sure the dude would die realistically from being impaled, but if the sword only hit in a less fatal spot so that death would happen slower, that doesn't mean it couldn't have at least been expected that he would still be able to move.

>>309575309575

I go out of my way to create flaws in my characters to avoid Mary-Sues and this is what I get.

>>309631309631 Meh that's just me, the ponies were likely less inclined to violence so it would be expected by them that he was dead... me on the other hand would likely have curb-stomped him for good measure...