Music of Freedom

Kowlickkid #1 · Feb 18th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3: Prepearations ·

Okay, so first comment goes to me, I suppose. Well, the plot is decent, though it borders the line of OPness because of the alicorn. Nevertheless, you seem to be controlling it rather well.
Your grammar is not unbearable, indeed, I have seen much worse. It is rather difficult to think about reading something taht s riTen laIk THIS!!11!1, so thank you for that(bit of a grammar nazi here).
But the main issue is that gigantic wall of text. The wall of text is one of the nightmares of a reader if reading on the internet. In a book, you see text cramped together sometimes, but that is to save space and is well done. In your chapters, however, it is enough to turn a grand majority of readers away. The closeness of all the letters encourages jumping across pages, trying to read the minimum that is necessary.
I am not saying that you should put less material in your chapters, the solution is just to space them out a touch. For instance, observe these paragraphs. They are(I like to believe), well spaced out, beginning a new one whenever the subject changes enough or when it gets too big.
Try doing that, and be sure to indent your paragraphs. It also helps to separate the dialogue from the rest of the story. The way I do it is whenever I'm narrating, and I have a slight subject change, I merely go to the next line, as you see happening. When there is a change in the narration sufficiently distant(almost never happens in my stories), go two lines apart.

Like so. Or, if you prefer, go ahead and do the thing I usually do: 3 lines apart for most everything else.

"This is a rather orderly way to do it.", remarked Literature.

"Indeed. I enjoy reading stories written like this.", commented Lector.

...And so on and so forth. It really makes a difference, I find.
Also, what I like to do after people talk is merely put one sentence right afterwards, and then begin a new paragraph, as I've done with Literature and Lector up there. On some occasions, the character will say a new sentence right afterwards, and you have to say he does something before that, and there are two ways to do that.

1. "Smashing job.", said Example, adjusting himself on the chair. "Keep going on, lad."

2. "Smashing job.", said Example. He adjusted himself on the chair. "Keep going on, lad."

I always put #1 when I can, but in some occasion you need to use #2. What you never want to do is put something like a whole paragraph in between two quotes from the same person. If you need to do something like that, just put that paragraph separate and put the quotes on either side, well distanced. It is, as I've said before, quite easy to read.
Now, what was I going to say... I see in your 4th chapter you have done some improvements to your writing, and it looks quite a bit easier to read, congratulations. Remember to indent and space, those are key in writing on this site.
If you look at some of the earlier chapters in my stories, you'll see that some of them have elements bordering on wall of text. I am currently in the process of editing those. I recommend you do the same with your first chapters, it might not scare off so many people.

Also, I'm not sure if this has come up in your story yet, but if you ever have the need to change places, times, or points of view rapidly inside a chapter, and not in between, something you can do is type {center}(but with[ and ] instead of { and }), put something like two lines of ********** or ---------------- on either side of a bolded phrase telling the new place/time/POV and then type {/center}. It's a really good way to transition.

Well, that's all for now. Golly, that's a long comment :P. And if you choose, you can totally disregard everything I just said and do it your way. Your choice. Keep writing, and on behalf of me and my story characters, keep your stick on the ice.

Silentecho

Silentecho #2 · Feb 19th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3: Prepearations ·

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2142311 Oh I will not disregard this at all. I was hoping for someone to give me advice on how to improve my writing. As you can tell I am terrible with the whole grammar idea. I really do appreciate your advice, and I hope you can give me more. I also have a question to ask you. If I give you credit, would you be willing to edit my story?

Kowlickkid

Kowlickkid #3 · Feb 19th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3: Prepearations ·

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2143509 Unfortunately, I'm not really able to edit stories. The computer that I usually use can't handle google docs for some reason, and always shuts down the browser. Ah well, you might be able to find someone else, or even just do it yourself.
Something that I forgot to mention in my first comment you should watch out for: punctuation. have a few run-on sentences in your first chapters, and seem to be slightly mixing up what the punctuation is used for. Remeber, period is for complete stops, and beginning of new phrases(no trouble there) and the commas are for listing things or for slight pauses in phrases, for instance, the two that surround that same "for instance" there. The three periods (...) are for when you trail off, usually after a list, or when a character can't find the words(watch out for commas and the three periods). Also, when someone is interrupted or cut off by someone else, I like to put half the word and then -.

"I like bubblegum, and cake, and cupcakes, and pie, and tarts, and swee-", began Pinkie.

"We know, Pinkie!", interrupted Dash.

Apart from that, there's not much else. I didn't see any places where it happened, but watch out for the infamous your/you're(possessive/you are) and there(place)/their(possessive third person plural)/they're(they are).
Happy writing!

Silentecho

Silentecho #4 · Feb 19th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3: Prepearations ·

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2144960 I don't think I make mistakes with the infamous their and they're. I always try to make sure to check and recheck them when I reread my writing. Thanks for the more advice, and it's alright if you can't edit them. Thanks again for all the advice.