What Is Life

Perplexed by the eternal question, Twilight undergoes a existentialist journey to find the meaning of her life.

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Comments ( 7 )

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Gak

Gak #1 · Jan 27th, 2013 · · ·

Very nice, though, I wonder what Applejack would have said the meaning of life is. Hard work?

j3r034rja34jty

j3r034rja34jty #2 · Jan 28th, 2013 · 3 · ·

42, dur

ponichaeism

ponichaeism #3 · Jan 28th, 2013 · · ·

The prose in your story is a little sloppy and disjointed, and it's dragging the story down with it. While readers can forgive sub-standard prose in pulpy adventure stories, ones that aim to be introspective only work if they're beautifully written, so your prose has to be nearly perfect.

I'm seeing a lot of ellipsis abuse and too many extraneous clauses and adverbs, like "Twilight thought silently as her lazily quill drifted across the page, decorating it in sloppy writing that was barely legible". Most people think silently, so that adverb is unnecessary in the extreme, and "sloppy writing" already means its barely legible, so there's no reason to add that. And in the first paragraph, if she's writing at night, obviously it's late night writing. "Slowly grabbing" is contradictory, because grabbing is a quick motion, so she can't quickly take something slowly. Also, sometimes you confuse the chronological order of events, like the first three lines. Since the monologue at the beginning implies she's just finished reading her final report, it's then contradicted by the third line, which states she just finished reading her report.

There's all sorts of cruft like this cluttering up your prose, just little growths popping up and making it look unhealthy. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, and can easily be remedied by a single proofreader with a discerning eye, so I advise you look into finding one.

Mr Pones

Mr Pones #4 · Jan 28th, 2013 · 3 · ·

Two letters off, but fuck it.

Alpha Scorpii

Alpha Scorpii #5 · Jan 28th, 2013 · · ·

Nice This was a very interesting reading. I certainly enjoyed it, and I think I've learnt a very important lesson. Thanks.

Legacy55

Legacy55 #6 · Jan 28th, 2013 · · ·

2033062

Finally, I'm glad someone has some actual constructive criticism. I'm finding it a rarer sight with each passing day. I shall take what you said into consideration.

And I do have an editor, however I didn't have him go over this particular story.

Eighth Note