Kidnapped

Disaster strikes when the Cake's two twins are kidnapped. Pinkie runs off to save the two before something happens to the infants in peril.Can she make and save the two foals or will they meet a cruel fate.

First fanfic try so get in here read it and criticize it. Please and thank you.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Mobius of the Moon

Mobius of the Moon #1 · Jan 23rd, 2012 · · ·

I like it. Few mistakes, too.

deactivatemeplease

deactivatemeplease #2 · Jan 23rd, 2012 · · ·

I quite enjoyed the story, but MANY grammar/spelling mistakes.
To list a few:
"She peeked *in* (should be at) them seeing that everything had already been set up (at) the picnic."
"Applejack and Rainbow Dash were *of* (off) to the side having a fierce hoof wrestling match."
"They all agreed and helped *their selves* (themselves) to the assortment of treats that had been brought courtesy of Applejack."
"She thought maybe Twilight could (help) her.
Punctuation was also off on quite a few sentences.

Your strengths are in plot design and character, but your weakness is in grammar/spelling. I suggest getting a few friends (Or online, if you're a closet brony like me) to spell check your work before uploading.

Satriark

VGmaster78

VGmaster78 #3 · Jan 23rd, 2012 · · ·

152719 Thank you for reviewing over my work. I think I need to get a prereader to check over my stuff before I send it in from now on. I'll think about going back and fixing these mistakes later.Anyway, thanks for reading!

Serpentine

Serpentine #4 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · ·

Great story. Those grammar mistakes confused me though...

VGmaster78

VGmaster78 #5 · Jan 25th, 2012 · · ·

158113 I'm sorry I re-read over my story last night and found many of them I thought I had fixed when I was first creating the story. I guess not though. I plan on going back and fixing most of these later. Glad you enjoyed it though.

gelorum