Hello. My name is Fate and I'm fictional. That's right. I don't actually exist. But I love living here at Fimfiction and I look forward to meeting you all!
Rainbow Dash is a carefree stuntsmare who lives for danger. But it hits too close to home when she is diagnosed with a fatal disease. Zecora has a potion that can save her life but is the price for the cure too much for her to bear?
Just a little one-shot I wrote to prove I could. Hope you like it and I hope it gives you the feels.
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Very nicely done, and an impressive show of depth as a writer.
It did indeed give me feels.
Very well done and well-written for sure.
Admittedly, the tease with one-sided FlutterDash does make me dock a few points...
Yeah, don't worry, I'm not about to flame you for it or downvote, I promise. 
There are tragic elements to it, but it's more bittersweet than anything by the end, since in a way, it can be interpreted any which way. But that still gives the story its strengths. Really, though? It doesn't have to be straight out tragedy in order to be tragic. The elements are present, and it works well to the bittersweet and even somewhat open ending. So, I think you succeeded.
Sacrifice for sacrifice for sacrifice? Meh. Well-written, but it just doesnt work this way. Nor should it.
Keep in mind that 'rump' can also apply and might make more sense (then again, perhaps not).
I normally am not "moved" by anything fictional (because I don't perceive it as anything to show concern for like I would if something happens in reality) but you succeeded where most others cannot achieve in breaking through my tough, outer shell that keeps *ahem* "feels" at bay so nothing that's fiction can get at me. It won't make you world-renowned, but believe me when I say that it's not something that can be achieved by just anyone.
And yes, lesbian Dash is not my preferred Dash (or ANY pony at all) but as it is here I can certainly accept it like this. I know it's concise, to a degree, but it's all I can do.
Fluttershy gets herself stoned when she didn't need to? Eeyup, that is some classic Greek Tragedy right there.
Hmmm...yknow, it was a great effort, but the beginning didn't work for me. I don't know. I guess I found the disease too sudden, or something. I just would have preferred to see her breaking more slowly.
However, the ending was interesting. That part I liked.
Oh... oh gawd...
2026598
Glad you enjoyed it.
Oh chengar has mentioned this. Now not only do I HAVE to read this, but ill probably enjoy it along with dozens of others now.
2028590
Yeah, Chen's a sweetie. Hope you enjoy it!
2028593 Oh I will. Prepare yourself for an influx of reads!...
2028610
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1172_84008_-_Hubble_my_body_is_ready_twilight_sparkle.jpg
Commence read.
Poor Fluttershy. Guess if this continued, she would be displaced a bit.
2028674
What bucking story did you read where everything turned out alright for everyone?
Wowsers.... Powerful... Changed my headcanon too....
Good job. I see Charger was right to recommend this. Keep up the good work.
2028696
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/728/letmetellyou.jpg
First, Rainbow Dash lived her life knowing she was the reason the pony she loved was encased in stone with no reasonable chance of recovery. Fluttershy gave her life thinking she was saving Dash when if she had just waited one day everything would have turned out alright. And then she's going to come back to the world to live her life and grow old with none of her friends by her side. Seems pretty crappy for everyone involved really. Not to mention the guilt prevented Dash from ever really moving on and finding love again.
2028626 I found that much funnier than it should have been.
Hmph. This wasn't bad. Not by any means. This was very well done. A couple errors, but that's ALWAYS expected. Those people that said you didn't have it in you to write a tragedy were mistaken. You deserve a thumb.
2028756
I'm queen of the image meme.
2028757
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
2028783 Many would beg to differ.
Okay a few things ( sorry if I come off as rude)
1. The whole plot of the Fic seemed like it escalated to quickly. First Dash just ends up at twilight's house and then boom death bed. RD is the kind of character that would never admit she needed help and her discomfort of hospitals would only make the problem worse. If anything she should have collapsed in front of her friends during an outing and then have been rushed to the hospital.
2. Dash's secret crush coming out felt too cliche it would have been better to pad out the whole scene a bit more. Maybe have dash brake down crying for the first time ever. She took her impending end just a little too well.
3 Lastly the whole cockatrice thing kind of falls flat on it's face back in ep 17 of season 1 Twilight is turned into stone by the cockatrice and then is cured later on in the end of the episode. So with no explanation as to why Fluttershy remained in stone for along time the entire end of the story doesn't make sense. Perhaps if you had given a reason it would have held.
Overall the fic was okay but the Idea was original and interesting but the idea of the tragedy is to make the reader feel vulnerable and to have the reader connect with the main character on a personal and terrified level (Example Fearing their mortality) with the way the story ended it made everything feel to happy or as if it would all be okay. A tragedy is supposed to make you feel sad and scared for yourself.
2028919
1 and 2 were because I was trying to keep it short so the pacing was a bit quick. #3 I can explain. You see the only reason Twi was turned back from stone was because Fluttershy convinced the cockatrice to reverse it. And unfortunately the only one capable of doing the stare is currently made of stone.
2028935 Oh okay that part just left me a little confused thanks for clearing it up. Anyways you said yourself that you wanted to try your hand at a tragedy so I just tried to give some constructive criticism. I am really sorry if I came off as a snoby prick.
2028952
Not at all. It was very respectful and constructive. More so than "This part sucked but I'm not going to say why" comments I sometimes get. You even made suggestions on how to fix the perceived errors. So thank you for your feedback.
Eulogy - Judas Priest
Wow, sheesh... very nicely done. I came here through Ponibius and C.Q.'s recommendation, and I have to say I was not disappointed.Gotta admit, even as short as it was, the feels hit me there towards the end. Heh, If this was just a practice run for you, I can't wait to see what you end up writing next.
I think it could use a little something in the middle. Maybe I just read it too fast. However, it wrapped up tremendously! I loved it.
I rather enjoyed it. I honestly don't know if it belongs in the Tragedy category though. There just wasn't enough time within the story to really make you so attached to the characters that it causes you any great pain. However, this is a GREAT setup for a story revolving around fluttershy. I would actually love to see this continued. An adventure story revolving around Fluttershy is something I can't say I've actually seen, and with so many years having passed since she was last around; the possibilities could be endless.
Well done.
This was, well, better than most tragedy stories I read. Usually in a story like this, there's literally no actual tragedy at all. It's almost always the same, one of the mane six dies or gets sick then dies, and then the other members of the mane six cry.This fic was different. It had the sacrifice and the plot was an actual tragedy On the other side this fic wasn't the absolute best fic I've ever read, but it was still a good read. Hope that made sense, I write kinda erratically in the mornings.
It made me a little sad that just as Rainbow Dies, Twilight's daughter finds a way to revive Fluttershy. It was a good story.
This story was very good.It was actually a tragedy, not a mislabeled sad. There were a few places where my heart just kind of fell out from under me, the worst (read: best written) one was this
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I don't know what else to say about that part other than it was amazing.
One thing I didn't initially like was how Rainbow was in love with Fluttershy. It seemed like a semi-desperate bid to play with our emotions.
I quickly got over it though, Fluttershy's reaction was far too perfect. And the visits. Celestia, the visits...
Three edits.
Got some LUS here. A "she" would work.
You get a like and a fav from me.
2030559
Wow. That was an extremely cogent review. And your suggested edits are right on the money. Thank you.
2030899
I try to be helpful. No problem.
I'm just glad that I got to read something so well done.
It feels a little rushed, like the Cliff's Notes version of a longer, more fleshed out story. Most of the emotional beats ring sorta hollow because I don't have a connection with your version of these characters or any reason to care about their ultimate disposition. That's not a big problem with my normal milieau, HiE and AiE (yeah, I love it but schlock is schlock), but a tragedy should hit like a punch to the gut while watching your burning house simultaneously kill your momma, destroy your bible, and crush your truck, and I just don't feel this story earns that kind of visceral response.
Please don't misunderstand, I don't hate everything about it. Hell, I don't hate anything about it. You have a good grasp of the mechanics of fiction and are possessed of a fine ear for dialog, something most fan authors lack. You are, in fact, a pretty good writer which, for me, makes this story's shortcomings all the more glaring.
Sorry to go all bitchy on you but the ultimate blame lies with your friend Quordath. Have a favorite and a watch.
You get an A for effort and all, but I suggest you stay with SoL and comedy.
The whole thing felt rushed and the characters are so cliche, it made me wonder if they had seen any development at all. You only show us RD's rather lackluster confession and Fluttershy's pitiful attempt at sympathy for the goner and then expect my to feel for them?
How about no?
If you decide to continue this, you might want to flesh out Fluttershy's side of the story.
Alright, incoming big wall of text. These are being written as I read.
A bit of a wrong choice in terminology. "tint" implies slightly coloured, impure in some cases. I would think Rainbow is anything but "slightly" rainbow-coloured.
Anyway, at the beginning, there's a bit of a pacing issue. You kinda rushed through it extremely quickly, you did not give enough time to establish that the peace was broken, that there was peace to begin with.
A bit of a word choice issue here again. "Clean" does not have a negative connotation behind it. Could have been fixed with "too clean" or something like that.
I don't want to go to the hospital!
Go to the hospital
Ok...
Also, the part following this, there's barely any emotions that I can detect. I can't feel the fact that Rainbow doesn't like the hospital, all I'm getting are a bunch of words.
Finally, Rainbow Dash seemed to give in far too easily, especially since Twilight didn't even "try" to do anything. Basically, it went
(sorry for bad emoticons, don't know how to have a wider selection)
Either having Twilight give more than one sentence worth of reasoning or having her try to find things but failing would probably work better at convincing Rainbow Dash.
Think it should be "sit" well with her, though I'm not too certain.
A little nitpicky detail on my part, but I was under the impression that the room was already silent.
Well gee, Redheart, nice bedside manners. Informing them it's terminal is one thing, but the accusatory "you" is another.
Ok, I will say, this paragraph was well written.
I can't help but wonder, how does Rainbow Dash know this? It's not like she studies chemistry (alchemy, by the way, is the study of turning rocks into other materials, most notably gold, not potions making).
"in as many minutes"? This line is confusing.
waved. To waive means to "refrain from claiming" or to "dismiss from consideration or discussion". She may have waived the question, but she did not waive her hoof.
A bit of mixed feeling in this scene, which may be a problem. Now, the whole Fluttershy trying to return the feeling, that was heartwarming and adorable. Unfortunately... this line here, being an obvious shout out to the winning pony, unfortunately killed the mood and made it more hilarious instead.
Word of advice, don't include a shout out or reference if it damages the atmosphere you're going for.
Well that was a quick and sudden mood shift.
made, I think.
And I'm done reading... I can definitively recognize this as a tradegy, so congratulations, you've successfully written a tradegy. The tradegy of Senseless Sacrifice. The tradegy that Rainbow should die before ever seeing Fluttershy alive again.
Anyway, the main issue I see here is pacing, and very slight out-of-characterization on Rainbow's part.
I'm not sure whether you rushed to write this fic, but I get the feeling you overcompressed the story. You did not allow any particular emotion to settle in, you always moved on to the next bit of "event". Some parts that should have lasted longer, you practically dismissed it in the manner: "Yeah, this happened, moving on."
So what you can do is have moments where the characters allow a certain thought or idea to settle in. Let them feel the despair, but more importantly, let your readers feel the emotion. This story is about 5k words long, when usually, one-shots like these, from what I've seen, are about 12k words long, so at this time, don't even worry about it "being too long", and even if it is "too long", you can always trim it down; better too long than too short.
So all in all, you have successfully written a tradegy, but it could do with some work.
2033015
#1
#2 This is Dash talking. For her the concept of sterile and clean IS objectionable.
#3 You may be right. I'm not sure. When it ran through my head the word was set so that's what I used.
#4 There's a special kind of silence that happens when you're waiting for bad news. Like everything in the world has stopped.
#5 Apologetic, not accusatory.
#6 Thank you.
#7 Cockatrice down is like diamond. It's well known because of how rare and valuable it is. Also I'm taking alchemy here to mean chemistry with magical properties.
#8 Meaning the second time in two minutes. It's a common phrase I read.
#9 Typo. Thanks for pointing it out. It's fixed now.
#10 It was supposed to be funny. In an endearing way. Fluttershy getting so frustrated and desperate to return Dash's feelings that she's reaching pretty far.
#11 It was supposed to be quick and sudden. She just realized all at once Fluttershy isn't there and has a good idea why.
#12 I'll look into that one.
To sum up yes I know it has its issues and I'm thinking of revising it once I have Fun with Changelings wrapped. This was just something that I wanted to finish up and get it all on site because it's been bugging me and making it hard to focus on other projects. But I agree it has some rough edges to buff out. Thank you for your input. It was very well received.
2033181
#5 "If you had come to us sooner" is fairly accusatory. There's the sense that "This is your fault because you did not come to us before now."
Compare it to "Had we discovered this sooner, we may have been able to do something."
The idea is the same: they could not have known that RD had a viral disease, but here, the blame is more directed at the hospital. This is the apologetic version.
Subtle changes like these makes a huge difference.
2033309
Point.
Very well written! I feel like it was kinda rushed a little, but I'm used to reading stories with 120,000+ words so I guess that opinion is rather unreliable lol. Well I don't really like tragedies, but Chengar recommended it and I'm glad I read it.
2028935wouldnt the stare kick in when the cocatrice tried to stop her from saveing her friends life
Leading to her telling the bird off for being a greedy bucking jerk for getting mad over a few missing feathers that could save a ponies life and would grow back plus she could have talked to it and made a deal to remember connects with animals on a deeper level also not to nit pick but it feels a little rushed and got 9 out of 100 feels now while that may seem low most fics top out around 6 or 7 due to my emotions being grounded with anvils so far only 4 fics have broken 50 feeles thanks to the 3 years preceding my discovery of ponies around 2011 long story short shit hit the fan and the fan was knocked off the table into a shit storm
Please note feels are awarded based on engrosment in the story and by exacution of key events aswell as all things preceding them feels will only be awarded if a character sticks out to me for more than a second and if i get a feeling of emptyness or joy from what happens to the characters not all feels are negetive but haveing been in the darkest part of my mind i know what both ends of the spectrum look like so i am a fair judge
The story felt a bit rushed, but overall I enjoyed it. Well written, and the feelings are there, though they are on the border of tripping over one another. (Understandable given that you wanted to get it done so you could continue with another project)
So many feels.....
Liked, Favorited, Followed.
DAT PLOT (TWIST)
I think you proved them wrong, and then some. Everypony would be crying if that happened.
You did. Many tears were shed here. The irony.
A very solid concept, but as many people have said: it feels rushed. Everything happens too quickly for quality feels to build up. There were a couple times that I started to feel something, but then the scene shifted and it died.
Also, there's no way Fluttershy would get taken down by a Cockatrice. She would Stare that little bitch into submission until it was pulling out its own feathers and throwing them at her.
Honestly, I didn't find the Tragedy portion all that engaging, but I will say that the part where Fluttershy pretends she's into mares to make Dash happy was hilarious... In a good way.
2075502
Fluttershy has said herself that she can't control the stare. It just happens.
Anyway, thank you for the kind words. I like the concept and I'm looking forward to cleaning it up when I have more time.
Also the Flutterdash scene where she's trying to convince Dash of her falsified feelings is my favorite scene. It was so much fun to write.
2076715 True, Fluttershy has said she can't Stare on demand, but if she can break it out to save the CMC, I would think she could do it to save the life of her oldest and dearest friend.