Under our wings

FlutterDash1,424 stories ·2,584 members

Fluttershy provides an insight of her life, her suffering, and her very own spectrum of colors. Their story, and their future.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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PatRoison

PatRoison #1 · Jan 24th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Though they may be despised, as long as they have each other, they'll manage. Well put.

axel k.o.h

axel k.o.h #2 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

TAKE ALL MY FEELS! TAKE THEM!

TimbukTurnip

TimbukTurnip #3 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I don't know whether the grammar was horrible, it was weirdly written, or this is actually a masterpiece and I'm just an incredibly stupid simpleton, but I found this incredibly difficult to read and could only just follow it, assuming I did so correctly.

I can see you have made some mistakes at least - you put ran where it should have been run, and 'unseparateble' is not a word; it should be inseparable. But the rest I really have no idea. For example:

The dawn of a new day was approaching, but what day? I could not answer. And orange be everything, and as high as her altitude possibility, mixed the earth, the cyan sky, and dream, but above all, she.

And I still wake with her from morning to morning, I grab the luck, and with a single breath, I blow away the candle.

Again, maybe I'm being dumb - which is entirely possible and I apologise if I am - but what the hell do these sentences mean? Is it some weird imagery I'm just not getting? Is the grammar wrong and it would make a lot more sense if it was correct?

All I got from this is that this is from Fluttershy's perspective, she and Rainbow love each other, everyone hates gays and she'll be sad when Rainbow dies.

Comment posted by A Fox in Equestria deleted Jan 25th, 2013

BrainLapse

BrainLapse #5 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

This was a very poetic piece of work, and it was well written. Besides a little proof reading, the biggest comments I have are about the spacing of the paragraphs, because currently they are are wall of text, and the fact that the whole piece is in italics. Other than that it is wonderfully done

super3rainbow1

super3rainbow1 #6 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Wow... that was really good! For me, I wasn't bothered by the wall of text. I do admit there might have been a line or two that I didn't understand. Still, very very veeery nice

Tima Scribbles

Tima Scribbles #7 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Good for you for tackling this issue. I thoroughly enjoyed this. There are grammatical errors etc. but the imagery is imaginative and poetic.

kalash93

kalash93 #8 · Jan 25th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Brilliant! I can't say anything else. My feels have been set to manly melancholy.

Rhonert

Rhonert #9 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

I love the descriptions and it is a lovely read. I would agree that some breaking of the larger walls of text would help to make it easier to read. Good stuff!

One Big Macintosh