Bulletproof
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Ouch, that really touched my heartstrings. It didn't hit manly tear levels, but there still were feels all over the place.
And my 2nd reaction: Stupid humans! Never know the right moment to show up and mess up your life even more!
Also I must say this is really well written. Didn't spot any spelling errors, but I'm not sure if Bon Bon's name has a dash between its Bons. When Lyra was talking with her doctor, there were no quotes, but then again it's probably supposed to show how robotic the conversation was, so I should shut up about it. There also might be some people, who won't like that you used "everybody" instead of "everypony", but I'll quote Spike from MAGIC.MOV on this one, "frankly I don't see what the point of that is", they will understand it anyway, so to hell with that.
So yeah, another story from you, another like and fav from me. Keep up the great work!
nice story, you shoud continue it in a full-fleged sequel, by the way, is bon bon cheating on lyra (well kind of since she's locked up)with that yellow coated orange maned mare, but still coming seeing her at the mental hospital?
Well all right then. Didn't see that coming.
IT IS CARROT TOP?
This story is like two swift kicks to the balls.
A different take on the classic "Lyra is obsessed with humans" trope- and I loved every second of it. I'm not sure if a sequel would be completely necessary, because you tied up most loose ends in the last chapter, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like one.
...
2002271
Regarding the Bon-Bon/Bon Bon issue, I've seen it spelled many ways (including BonBon) but I do think you are right, without the dash looks best. I went ahead and fixed it.
And as for everypony/everybody... "Everypony" is part of the ponies' vocabulary, so whenever I have a character saying it (or write from first-person view) I use that word. But it isn't part of my vocabulary, so I don't use it for my narrative.
Also, thank you!
2002282
Thank you.
Exactly what is going on between Bon Bon and the mystery mare is one of the things I am leaving up to the mind of the reader. Of course I have my own view of what is happening (which I guess could be considered the "right" one) but really, it's up to you.
Short, succinct, and evocative of pity in the protagonist.
Moustache and thumb inbound.
2003150
Kinda like this? (NSFW!!!!)
Still, this story isn't really the sort you write a sequel to. The sad truth is that people in prison, mental health facilities or other social isolation can't maintain steady relationships with people "on the outside" as they can't maintain support for the people they love. You never realize how much you love someone until they aren't there for a while, or you get infrequent contact.
The only way you could write a sequel is if Twilight visited the hospital to show Lyra how the spell that the voice was telling her to cast was impossible. (Mind you it appears Heartstrings may have been a student of higher magical learning in Canterlot as shown by her early presence in Mare in the Moon Pt.1) There's only two ways you can make that go:
1) The short story where Twilight begins working with her to get over her problem by explaining magic more, or,
2) The longer story of Twilight finding out that there is some plausibility to Lyra's magic spell idea. (Now where you want to go from there has some real teeth to it.)
Still, the way it's written now is a sad slice of life that reflects how hopeless some people in mental heath institutions feel as they try to deal with themselves and hope for a return to the outside world all at once.
A.G.
2005659
This story blasted my dick out the back of my jeans.
I spent time in a mental hospital once. Heres the story...
This Place Sucks, The End
Great job on this story man. Loving Lyra's attitude
2005810
I. Um. Thanks?
2005659
A sequel WOULD be a difficult thing to pull off. The story said everything it needed to say, I feel. In my experience, saying anything more would make it sound forced.
I don't get it
I had to suffer through a short stint at such a place once. It was for relatively light cases of... whatever, but it was horrible. Protip: don't go.
That escalated quickly.
ooooooh fuuuuuuuuuck
2006621
Let me know if you want me to try and force a sequel dude. I already did for "ACT OF WILL" and the author of that story hated it. Come to think of it, that's probably something I should do without permission. ^.^
A.G.
I... was not expecting that.
Hell. Wow.
That was some chilling stuff. Well played, author.
That was a rather depressing look at life in an all-too-strict mental hospital. Well done.
Hm. That was an interesting ending there. Is Bon Bon cheating on Lyra? I see that you wish to have the readers determine this, so I won't demand a sequel or an explanation (of course, if you want to, I have no issue
). In any event, well done.
woah. Equestria's a bit dark now.
this al,ost sounds like a side story to Asylum. It is interesting and I feel sory for Lyra as she may not be crazy since there have been hundreds of fan fics involving humans. there is also the idea that only she can see them like in some other fanfics as well. Over all that last chapter wass really sad. Asylums suck.
What's the alternative, if not keepin' her in?
Alla same, nice job. Chillin', might be the word.
Spoilers.
Geeze. I can't help but wonder... Is (I assume) Carrot Top the one who keeps banging at Lyra's window? Are they keeping her in the hospital to be able to continue their affair? That would imply Lyra had a room with an outside window, which would seem unlikely. Still, that was the first thing that came to mind and now I can't stop thinking it.
This story does its thing quite well. We're never certain if the human's real or not. Together with that ending, this is one bleak tale of asylum hell.
Good job.
2005294
I know that in My Little Pony Tales, it's spelled Bon Bon. Two words without a dash, and that's where the current Bon Bon gets her name. So, usually go with that one. Anyways, good story.
Oh. Oh lord. That's horrifying. I can't imagine being stuck in Equestria like that, nor can I even fathom how terrible that mental institution must be.
... well, damn.
Every bit worthy of its Seattle's Angels feature.
Oh, very well done. An excellent way to pull of a short fic. The characterization of the hospital is just perfect, not to mention Lyra comes off as a very deep and troubled mare with incredible precision. Excellent job!
... maybe a happy face isn't the best thing to use, actually.
Nice twist on the typical Lyra human obsession trope, and I can see what the Seattle's Angels review was talking about. Definitely accomplishes a lot with a relatively low word count too.
Damn, that hit right in the feels.
Uh, I'm sorry Lyra. I just needed to get back, cause I have a family. I didn't mind robbing you yours for the sake of mine, either...
Everyone wonders what being in a mental institution is like, and I can say I don't need to know any more. Like any other medical facility, your life is filled with boredom.
The ending - I don't think anyone saw that coming.
Hey, I saw this in the EQD rejects group, so I figured I would say a few things~
First off, I have to say that was well done. The ending was absolutely heart-wrenching, but the buildup (lack thereof, actually) was great. The way you described everything in passing made it all seem like a blur, but it actually gave a sense of hope for the future.
As for EQD, I can say that they do their rejections almost entirely on grammar and formatting. If you haven't resent it, start by making sure the paragraph indents at the beginning. Also, that word count minimum can be a pain, can't it?
On a less EQD-tastic note, I still feel you did great overall. Personally, I'm curious about something. Dialogue was sparse throughout, and quotation marks weren't used for most of it. This gave it that really passive feeling, like Lyra was entirely disconnected from the world outside of Bon Bon. I feel like this would be highlighted more by making it so that Bon Bon and the 'mystery character' at the end are the only ones that actually get quotation marks, showing that they're the only ones with a real impact on Lyra.
Still, amazing job!
Just like every other mental institution story I've ever watched or read, this just makes me angry. Such places can do as much to make a person insane as plenty of illnesses. The problem with such "treatment" is that, like modern prisons, they do very little to improve those they touch, and do plenty to make them worse. Worse, with "mental illness" people can be held for indefinite periods with little to no evidence that they are actually unstable beyond the natural level of instability imposed by such an environment, and the incredible distrust that forms on both sides of the doctor-patient relationship makes the truth incredibly difficult to discern. The problem, of course, stems from the lack of a truly objective test for, or even definition of, sanity. Thus, people can be held in a destructive environment because of someone's opinion that there might be something wrong with them. Of course, we don't know exactly what, or how to determine if it's still there, but whatever, let's just watch them for an incredibly long time while they slowly lose their minds to boredom and see if they display any unusual behavior.
Naturally this only applies to cases that don't involve a measurable cause, chemical imbalance, or extremely obvious and continuous behavioral defect, but the fact that ambiguous cases can be held with the former for flimsy reasons is the problem.
Yes, this didn't have a whole lot to do with the story itself, but since the story itself goes to some lengths to make it ambiguous as to whether Lyra is actually ill, I can't help but just think of the injustice of the whole institution, and doing so just dredges up associations with other things that I have feelings about. So, I can't rate this story. It's well written, but I hate it. In an ideal world, that would get it a thumbs up, but it's not. Make of that what you will.
Hi there. I hope you don't mind, but I liked this fic so much I have put together an audio version on YouTube.
Man, what a kick in the teeth this story is. :D I loved it.
But is she sane?
Or is the human just a hallucination?
heard scribbler's reading and... was the human real? or was it just in her head?
"Would only make yourself appear obsessive compulsive" and "you will be fine" are a bit awkwardly phrased. If a person were saying these thoughts to you out loud, I think they'd use a single, simple verb like "look" instead of the stilted phrase "appear to be", and they'd shorten "you will" to the contraction "you'll be".
"Focuses" should be "focused".
what the fuck.
What the fuck.
WHAT the FUCK.
... It appears I'm only capable of expressing my opinion of this story with those three words. Anytime I try to say something else, it just comes out as WHAT THE FUCK.
So I think I'll stop commenting.
Never quite understood how putting someone through an experience that is like a mix between torture, boot camp, prison, and kindergarden is supposed to help someone with mental issues.
Modelling it on a hospital, one of the most ominous, soul-sucking, depressing, and boring places on earth, doesn't make much more sense.
Hell, being in prison is heaven compared places like this. In prison you know that the suffering is going to end, when it's going to end, there's the possibility of parole, and they even allow conjugal visits.
. . . ow. Seriously, Bon Bon?