Beige Monkfish
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66w, 4dDoubled Fun
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67w, 6dAlicorn Twilight
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61w, 1dTwilight is Best Pony
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66w, 2dTwilight Sparkle
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62w, 1dCaloo's Magical Finds
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46w, 12hTransformations
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52w, 17hAlicorn Twilight
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42w, 4dMUST KEEP FOLLOWING!!!!1
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38w, 18hAlternate Perspectives
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36w, 1dAlicorn
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14w, 44mX Becomes An Alicorn
‘H-here goes...’
Using her magic, the winged unicorn mentally grasped the strand...
...and tugged it apart.
The faint sound echoed throughout the hallways as the surrounding room, and the rest of the house, fell dead silent. Twilight stood trembling, afraid to open her eyes, afraid to see the no-doubt horrified expression on her yellow friend’s face. ‘First the silence... then the screaming...’ she thought psychoanalytically to herself, taking a shuddering breath. With how quiet the environment was, it almost seemed that if she never opened her eyes, time would stand still until she did.
But, her curiosity eventually got the better of her, and her eyelids creaked open. After blinking a few times to sharpen her vision, she noticed that Fluttershy stared at her with a blank, wide-eyed expression. Worried violet eyes locked with incredulous teal ones for a moment, before Twilight swallowed with trepidation.
“Fluttershy... Please understand, I...” she muttered sadly, braving a step forward. The pegasus took a cautious step back in response. Twilight frowned, her ears folding back against her head. Her friend was afraid of her. “Fluttershy, listen... I know I might look...” She paused to swallow again. “D... different, but I... I’m still the same...!” she whimpered, pleading with her eyes for her friend to look past her external visage.
The yellow pony did not respond aside from the occasional twitch of her ear. When the winged unicorn took another step forward, she took two steps back, keeping her distance.
“Fluttershy, please!” Twilight begged. Her sudden change in volume caused the shy filly to recoil, whimpering. The lavender mare’s eyes shot wide open in realization. “W-wait, no! I’m sorry!” she sputtered, her wings involuntarily flaring up as she reached toward her friend with a violet hoof, which only caused the scared pony to yelp in fear and jump backwards.
Fluttershy’s wings flapped frantically to right herself as she landed further away from the spellcaster, her rump almost pressed up against the wall behind her. “...Are... Are they real...?” she suddenly muttered, her voice quivering. “Th-they weren’t there before...”
Twilight looked at the floor. Obviously, she had not just conjured an illusion of fake wings. She had just dispelled an illusion that was hiding real ones. And now, she had to say ‘Yes, I actually have wings’ to the pegasus, instead of just being able to show her. She didn’t want to say it to anypony else; it was hard enough saying it to herself. She gulped, folding her avian limbs back against her sides and gathering her will. “Y... Yes... They’re real...” she admitted, the words tasting foul as she uttered them.
The reticent mare simply gaped for a moment, before she gasped, covering her mouth with her butter-yellow hooves. Her teal irises constricted to small dots, and she began to cower against the wall behind her.
Twilight let loose a quiet whimper at her friend’s display of fear. This was not how this situation was supposed to go. The two remained silent for a moment, the clock face on the wall ticking away. She glanced briefly glanced at Spike; the small dragon was curled quietly on a couch with a worried expression on his scaly face.
“I... I... I’m sorry, m-ma’am... I-I didn’t know you would be here...” Fluttershy mumbled, immediately drawing her friend’s attention. Her soft words suggested that she was talking to a stranger. A very scary stranger.
Twilight gaped, her eyebrows raised. “Fluttershy, it’s me...!” She stated, taking a few steps toward the cowering filly, but halted when she squeaked with fear. “It’s me... Twilight...” she mumbled, blinking, before reaching out with her telekinesis to the pegasus’s body, enveloping her in a shining red aura and gently tugging the yellow pony towards her.
Fluttershy suddenly released a horrified scream, splitting the air and breaking the spellcaster’s concentration like a glass window.
The ear-piercing cry caused Twilight to flinch and drop the yellow pony, her irises momentarily constricting as she rapidly blinked her eyes. The chrysanthemum mare quickly scrambled to her hooves and darted to another room before the winged unicorn could say anything else, leaving her and Spike alone in the room.
Twilight’s fuzzy face was frozen in an incredulous gawk at the doorway her friend had fled through. Her expression twitched a few times, before she slapped her forehead with a purple hoof. ‘Stupid! STUPID!’ she inwardly screamed at herself. Why did she do that?! Fluttershy was terrified of her, and she thought it would have been a good idea to move her against her will!?
Twilight removed her hoof from her forehead and angrily slammed it down into the floorboards with a loud CRACK, her wings flaring up behind her in response to her frustration. “DAMN IT!” she yelled, the curse word echoing back to her from the nearby hallways, before she immediately flinched at her own language. She cast a tentative glance at Spike, who had folded his arms, a disapproving scowl on his muzzle as he steadily tapped his foot on the couch. She gazed apologetically at him, before directing her eyes to the hoof she had pounded into the floor. She lifted it up, seeing that she had smashed a four-inch-deep hole into the wood paneling. She gawked at the aperture, then at her purple hoof. ‘Wha...? How did I...?’ How did she just do that? She hadn’t even stomped that hard, and now there was a huge hole in the floor!
A long-since-banished thought creeped to the front of her mind, unfazed by her attempts to push it back. ‘Alicorns are meant to embody all three of the pony races... Earth ponies are strong,’ the thought told her, causing her to tremble with fear. “No... No!” she whispered to herself, her ears folding as she began to panic.
‘Yet another piece of the puzzle falls into place, your highness. You have a horn, you have wings, and -- Oh look! -- you have strength. Chances are, you’ll get bigger, too. Remember when Fluttershy asked if you were taller? There goes your last ‘if’. Quit denying it. You’re an alicorn!’ her inner voice insisted in a sadistically cheerful tone, followed by a short laugh.
“NO!” Twilight screamed out loud, gripping her head with her hooves, her sudden outburst causing Spike to flinch.
“Twilight?” the dragon besieged, hopping off of his couch and running to his older sister, before abruptly halting as he saw the hoof-shaped hole in the floor. “Wha-...?”
She collapsed on the rug nearby, burying her face in her hooves. Her brain hopped between each and every situation she’d been in the past two days, looking for something, anything to explain what had just happened without resorting to the one thing she didn’t want to believe. ...There was nothing. She had just punched a hole in the floor, and there was only one possible explanation for it; an explanation she didn’t want to even consider. She was very physically strong now... Her lack of physical strength had been her lifeline, the one thing she fell back on to steer her thoughts away from the conclusion that she was an alicorn. ‘I’m not strong,’ she had told herself. ‘Alicorns exhibit the qualities of all three of the pony races. I only exhibit two,’ she had convinced herself to believe.
Well, here comes quality number three. That was a very neat hole she had stomped into the wooden paneling. If a very strong earth pony tried to do this, they would create a large dent, not a perfectly hoof-shaped hole. Extraordinary strength was required to puncture a neat hole. Her inner physicist jumped into the mental conversation: According to the laws of physics, a force applied over a longer time decreases the average force of a collision. The very fact that wood was solid caused it to push back when stomped -- as mentioned previous, a normal pony trying to do this would leave a dent, not a hole, because they wouldn’t be quite strong enough to apply enough force over a short time to break a circular aperture into the paneling.
Process of elimination, her inner scientist recited. Every other possibility to explain her changes had been eliminated. There was only one left.
Only one left.
‘And you know what it is.’
Her rib cage gently expanded and contracted as she breathed, the cold electricity of adrenaline surging through her veins. She felt a scaly hand on her withers, and she raised her head to face her assistant, who simply stared at her with concern.
A minor spike of pain from her wound reminded her of her initial purpose for visiting her medicinally-experienced friend, and she drew a breath, forcing herself to postpone her discovery until after she had received medical attention. Her head slightly hung, she brought herself to her hooves and began a slow trot after the terrified pegasus, Spike following closely behind her.
As Twilight peered around the doorway that her friend had fled through, she saw neither hide nor hoof of Fluttershy. The room had no other entrance -- the shy filly must’ve been hiding somewhere. Twilight’s violet eyes scanned around each piece of furniture present, looking for a hint of pale yellow or a flash of pink mane. She swallowed, the small motion inciting a small burning from the laceration on her neck and withers. “Fluttershy...? I... I need help...” she managed to say out loud, attempting to convince her friend to show herself. She cast a glance at the laceration on her back, wincing from both the sight of the ugly gully and the pain from twisting her neck. “My... My injury...”
She faced forwards again. “Please...” she begged, distraught. She had no other choice. She needed Fluttershy to tend to her wound, or else she would have to go to the hospital, and that would be the end of her secret. If nothing else, she could at least attempt to talk to the coy mare while she worked, to try and convince her that she needn’t fear the... the alicorn. She winced painfully at that thought. W... Whatever, if the timid pegasus was really her friend, she would see through her changes.
She winced again, harder, as the other edge of that thought’s linguistic sword pointed straight at her. If Fluttershy didn’t see through her changes... she would have lost a friend. No. No. She would eventually understand. It would just take some... some convincing. She sucked in a breath. “Fluttershy... Please come out...” she pleaded, trotting further into the room. She ducked down, her head against the floor, and peered underneath each piece of furniture to search for her friend. She partially extended her wings to improve her balance as she turned her head this way and that, gazing through the small spaces between the upholstery and the floorboards. Finding nothing, she flicked her wings out fully in minor frustration, a white sheen rippling across them, before her ears perked upon hearing a small gasp from above. She stood up, and craned her neck to look at the ceiling.
A scared butter-yellow filly was supporting herself in-between two wooden beams on the ceiling, pressing her hooves against them and staring down at the purple pony below. Her chest shook as she silently breathed in and out, before she flinched and became as still as a statue upon realizing that she had been spotted.
Twilight frowned up at her friend, and folded her wings to make herself appear smaller and less menacing.
Fluttershy held her breath and stared down at her like she was some kind of horrifying monster, which only made her feel worse.
“Fluttershy... Why are you hiding...?” the alicorn asked, her eyebrows arching upward. “I... I came here because of the cut on my back... A-and maybe to talk with you... That’s all, I swear...”
Her friend didn’t respond. The purple pony swallowed. “I... Y-you’re scared of me... I can tell... To tell the truth, I... I’m scared of me too, okay...? Please, just come down and listen...” she begged, her eyes watering. She hadn’t lied. She was scared of herself, afraid of what would happen to her, what she would become, what she could do, and what would be expected of her.
Fluttershy’s face softened slightly as she looked into her friend’s pleading eyes, releasing the breath she’d been holding. A bit of the fear present in her expression ceded to concern, but she held her position and remained silent out of caution.
Twilight sat down on her haunches, staring miserably up at the elevated mare. “I-I don’t know what to do, Fluttershy... I don’t know what any of this means, o-or what it’s going to do to me, or my life...” she confessed, breathing methodically. “D-don’t be afraid of me too... You’re one of the only friends I have...” She trembled, taking shaky breaths as a few tears leaked out of her eyes. “I... I... I’m still me!”
Fluttershy’s horrified expression slowly began to melt away as she stared at her transformed friend, gradually changing into a sympathetic frown. Taking a deep breath, she released her grip on the wooden beams and gently lowered herself to the floor. She flapped her wings as she descended, each stroke negating a fall before it began, before her hooves touched the wooden paneling with four soft clops. She folded her wings against her sides, and swallowed, staring at her upset friend with concern. Her eyes slowly widened again in fear as she beheld the abnormal mare, before she shook her head vigorously for a moment to dispel whatever anxious thought she had. She reopened her teal eyes, and slowly trotted to the crying pony, her concerned frown returning. “T... Twilight...?” she mumbled quietly, hesitantly laying a hoof on the winged unicorn’s shoulder.
Twilight simply stared at her dismally, blinking to clear her vision. Fluttershy’s fear of her had mostly vanished from her visage; she had stopped trembling, and her face simply expressed worry. However, upon looking closer, her expression was inconsistent; it seemed to be flicking back and forth between concern and caution, and her posture would lend itself to her if she were to suddenly jump away. The purple pony wiped her tears with a hoof, before looking at the pegasus again.
“A... Are you a... an...?” Fluttershy trailed off, blinking behind light pink bangs that covered half of her face as her eyes locked on to her friend in circumspection.
Twilight felt her muzzle scrunch up involuntarily as she blinked away loose tears. It was true though, wasn’t it? She wasn’t a unicorn. Not anymore. Her violet irises slowly drifted to the yellow mare, and after swallowing with trepidation, she nodded sadly, a troubled frown crawling across her face. She tried to give a vocal answer, but the knot in her throat combined with her miserable trembling made speech an impossible task.
Fluttershy gaped for a moment, her eyes shooting wide open, before her demeanor allayed to sympathetic as she remembered how upset her friend was. She softly, falteringly tapped one of Twilight’s shoulder blades, before pulling her into a warm embrace, allowing the whimpering mare to hold her tight and sob into her pale yellow shoulder. “...Twilight... I-it’s okay... I-I’m sorry for being afraid of you...” she whispered, her voice slightly quivering with fear, but flowing like a gentle zephyr as she ran a cream-colored hoof over one of her friend’s soft purple wings, careful to avoid touching the lengthy wound on her back.
Twilight whimpered softly under her breath, putting a conscious effort into not holding her friend too tightly. If she was strong enough to punch a hole through a solid piece of wood with a light stomp, a tight hug would probably crush her pegasus friend’s rib cage. It would kill her. She wanted nothing more than to just squeeze as tightly as she could, but she knew that she couldn’t, for her friend’s safety.
“There, there...” Fluttershy breathed, visibly fighting back her own fears to comfort her friend. “I... I don’t mind, if it makes you feel better... Y-you just shocked me... It’s okay...”
Twilight hugged her friend just a little bit tighter, trying to relieve a little bit more of her stress. At least Fluttershy was trying... or at least pretending to understand. At least she was trying to help.
The yellow pony’s hoof slipped and brushed over the lavender pony’s wound, causing her to flinch.
“Oh! I-I’m sorry! I... Oh, yes, uhm... I-I still need to fix up the cut on your back...” Fluttershy remembered, loosening her grip on her friend.
Twilight continued to hold the pegasus for a moment, before trembling and forcing herself to break away. She sat on the floor, her wings limp against her sides, and wiped the soaked fur around her eyes with a hoof, sniffing. Afterwards, she blinked her eyes to clear her vision and gazed at Fluttershy, noticing the patch of wet fur on the pegasus’s shoulder.
The yellow mare stood up and quietly trotted past her friend, her pink tail briskly disappearing through the doorway behind her, presumably to fetch the medkit she had left in the other room.
Twilight laid down on the wooden floor, resting her head on her fuzzy front hooves and letting her eyelids slide shut. She pulled her wings in, tucking them in-between her torso and her back thighs, and simply laid there for a moment or two, enjoying the quiet of a house that... no longer felt so hostile.
For the first time that day, she felt rather... safe... with another pony around. The owner of the house had been afraid of her at first, but the purple mare was thankful that Fluttershy was able to look past her transformation and recognize a friend underneath. Her worst fear had come true... but it was quickly followed by one of her greatest hopes. Funny how life likes to do that to a pony; dealing them both sides of the card and observing what they make of it. Well... At least she didn’t have to hide from her yellow friend any more. That’s one more pony’s company not to fear. She closed her eyes and let a small smile grace her lips, exhaling contentedly.
The icy locks and chains that strangled her heart melted into water, her deep-rooted ever-present fear being replaced by a sense of acceptance. Two of her friends now knew, and they still saw her for who she was, not what she was. Her eyelids drifted open, and her smile vanished as a desultory thought crossed her mind. Fluttershy and Rarity were the two more complacent, mature, and understanding of her friends. Things hadn’t been so bad with them, and they would probably completely accept her in the end. But... what about the other three?
Her eyebrows drew upward. Applejack was stubborn, Dash was a loudmouth and rather rude, and Pinkie was a tad insensitive and more of a loudmouth than Dash was. The easy part was over. It wouldn’t be quite so simple to convince the other three.
Well... Applejack, when Twilight had talked with her the night previous, seemed only concerned, and did not pry. It was almost as if she already knew, for she apparently did not know about her wings for a fact, but her reaction to the rumors she had heard was still not negative. She actually seemed to be more worried than shocked at the prospect of her purple friend having suddenly acquired instruments of flight.
She sighed in defeat. They were all going to find out eventually... so if she could help it, she wanted the next one to be Applejack. She cast a morose glance at Spike, who had sat down next to her, his features laden with concern. “Spike...?” she whimpered quietly, blinking at him.
“Yes, Twilight?” he answered softly, laying a purple claw on his older sister’s mane in an attempt to comfort her.
She frowned, and her gaze fell to the floorboards again. “W... Why is all this happening to me...?” she asked rhetorically, trembling. This situation, this plight that she had been dealing with for the past two days had made her life monstrously difficult, and to this hour, the cause of it all had yet to be revealed. Why was it happening to her? And... why her? Why couldn’t it have been somepony else? Was a higher power getting some kick out of doing it to her? She had never asked for wings, or strength, and did not want them. If she could, she would give up both and return to her life as a regular unicorn. A normal life, without having to... to hide from the public, from her own friends, because she wasn’t entirely sure if they’d understand.
She buried her face in her hooves, wishing that the past two days had simply been a nightmare, and that she would be woken up any minute by Spike. “Why me...?” she whispered, shaking as her dragon friend ran his claws through her messy, unkempt mane.
“I’m so sorry, Twilight... I really don’t know...” Spike whispered, trying to comfort his troubled friend. “But... It’ll all be okay, alright? Everything will be fine... I promise.”
The grieving mare took a shuddering breath, her chest expanding and contracting. “D-don’t make promises you can’t keep, Spike...” she scolded quietly, not lifting her face from her hooves. Her two more understanding friends had been difficult to explain herself to, and the remaining three would only be worse. She saw little reason to believe that all of her friends would understand, and plenty of reasons to believe that they wouldn’t. Most likely... things would not turn out okay.
Her draconian assistant simply continued to comfort her, not uttering so much as a single word as he ran his claws from behind her horn to the tip of her right wing. She shuddered, less from the sensation of his clawtips on her ‘racially unique’ extremities, and more from the action reminding her that she had both.
Minutes passed... Her frayed nerves eventually began to calm as Spike’s light touch began to assuage her negative thoughts. He always knew exactly how to put her at ease, regardless of how upset she was. Even when she simply needed a hoof on her shoulder, he was always on top of things.
“Everything will be okay... I do promise, and I will be right...” the dragon whispered calmingly, reaching under his friend’s chin with a claw and gently lifting it upwards, revealing her bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “Nopony says I’m making a promise I can’t keep,” he added with a soft, sympathetic smile.
Twilight’s violet gaze slowly drifted to him, before her horn lit up with a faint red glow and he was gently pulled beside her head. She wrapped her neck around his small body, a small smile tugging at her lips as her purple mane draped over him. The two simply lay there for uncounted minutes, the alicorn finding comfort in her little brother’s presence.
After some time, Fluttershy returned, holding the same box of medical supplies in her teeth as before. She looked at the injured pony and her assistant for a brief moment, scanning her, almost as if she wanted to say something, but then hesitantly looked away.
Twilight looked up at the golden filly from the floor, her purple eyes shining with slight curiosity. Maybe she was still digesting her new appearance... but at least she was trying to act normal. The pegasus simply stood there for a few seconds, sneaking glances at the pony lying on the wooden paneling, before her eyes widened in surprise when she realized that Twilight was looking back at her.
Fluttershy shot her friend a nervous smile, and set the medkit down. She pressed the switch that unlocked the case with her nose and deftly opened it, revealing a plethora of silver, gleaming, pointy tools.
The violet pony’s head shot up upon sighting the slew of sharp needles placed next to several phials of strangely-colored liquids, her face beginning to lose its purple color. She gulped loudly, her eyes widening as an irrational fear began to replace her previous anguish. She... wasn’t a big fan of needles. “Uhh... Uhhh...” she muttered shakily, the skin under her fur crawling as her friend picked up one of the syringes with her wing tip, before sticking it into one of the phials and filling it with the pale yellow fluid it contained.
“O-okay Twilight, hold still... This is an anesthetic; It’ll make it so it doesn’t hurt while I clean out your wound and stitch it up...” the doctor muttered, rubbing the tip of the needle with a clean rag before approaching her friend.
Twilight instinctively shot to her hooves, knocking Spike out from under her, and quickly backed away, her wings involuntarily spreading out to her sides. She had been so worried about Fluttershy‘s reaction to her developments that she completely forgot that the timid pony was a doctor, and a visit with her would include the worst part of any heavy medical procedure; needles. The pegasus was a licensed doctor and veterinarian; that was the entire reason that the she and her assistant had decided to come here. How could she have not realized that this meant Fluttershy would have needles?
“F... F-Fluttershy, wait, can’t we do this some other way?” she beseiged, her irises constricting to tiny pinpricks as her irrational fear slammed into her like a freight train. She focused on the gleaming, sharp tip of the needle filled with pale golden anesthetic, the needle that was going to stick into her, and began to tremble with fear. Not a needle. Anything but a needle. Pieces of metal were not supposed to puncture her flesh. It... It was just wrong!
A small frown appeared on the pink-maned pegasus’s face. “Oh... You don’t like needles... I-I’m really sorry, but I have to do this...” she muttered softly, continuing to trot to the trypanophobic mare. “It won’t hurt, okay Twilight...? You won’t even feel it...”
Twilight’s mostly stoic expression shattered into a horrified gawk. That’s what they all say. They all say ‘It’s not going to hurt!’, but it always hurts. Every single time. During her childhood, when her blood was drawn for allergy tests, her vaccinations, her booster shots, needles always hurt! This time would be no different! She shuddered, backing into a corner of the room as her friend slowly approached her. “No no no no no no no no no!” she chanted in a crescendo, shrinking into the corner as much as she could.
“I’m so sorry, Twilight... But if I don’t do this, it’ll really hurt while I’m working... This won’t even hurt that much, okay...? Just... turn around. I need to put this into your back,” the medicinally-experienced pegasus ordered, gesturing with her hoof.
The lavender alicorn didn’t budge, remaining silent, most of the color having drained from her fuzzy face. “No!” she shouted, terrified, shielding herself with a purple wing. “Can’t-… Can’t I just take a... a-a pill or something?” she asked fervently, still staring directly at the sharp tip of the medical instrument.
“No...” Fluttershy mumbled, shaking her head apologetically. “I have to inject this directly into the area I need to anesthetize... Just be still, Twilight... I promise it won’t hurt if you relax...”
“Come on Twilight, let her do it. We need that cut on your back treated, and this is the way you wanted to do it,” came the deadpan of Twilight’s draconic assistant as he approached from behind the yellow filly, his arms folded, his expression bemused.
Twilight felt a blaze flare up in her lungs, and she inhaled sharply. “I-I didn’t think it would involve needles!” she cried indignantly, trying to compress herself further into the corner of the room. Her two friends simply stared at her for a moment, before she realized that she had to suck it up. She needed to do this. The violent laceration on her back would only get worse -- she needed to have it treated now, not later. If she waited too long, she would get sick from an opportunistic contact virus, and this was the only viable option she had other than a trip to the hospital. She shut her eyes tight and attempted to slow her breathing, forcing her trypanophobia out of her thought patterns.
Swallowing, Twilight soon removed herself from the corner of the room, trotting between her friends to a more open location nearby, before lying down on her stomach and folding her wings neatly against her sides. “J... Just inject it,” she hissed through grit teeth, her heart pounding painfully in her chest. She thought about the sharp pain that the needle would cause when it pierced her skin, the chill as it slid into her flesh, and the unbearable burning of the injected chemical. “D-don’t tell me when it’s coming...” Her ears perked at the sound of hoofsteps and light pattering, indicating that her two friends had followed her.
“A-are you sure...? I usually tell my patients before I stick them with a needle...” Fluttershy asked, scuffing at the floor with a hoof.
Twilight whimpered loudly, covering her head with her purple hooves. “Don’t talk about it either!”
“Twilight, please relax... If your muscles are tense, the needle will stick into their fibers, instead of in-between them...” the yellow filly explained, again wiping the tip of the syringe with an antibacterial cloth.
“R-relax!? H-How am I supposed to relax!? Y-you’re going to stab a hole in my back!” Twilight cried out, raising her head and looking behind her. Bad decision. Her vision zeroed in on the gleaming tip of the needle again, and her fearful tremors returned.
Spike grabbed her head and forced her to look away from the medical instrument, before removing one of his claws to grip her front hoof. “Don’t you know how this stuff works, Twilight?” he asked, squeezing her limb gently to calm her. “It really won’t hurt if you relax. Tensing your muscles will make the needle rip through them, which is what makes it hurt.”
Twilight blinked. Her assistant was the medical expert between them, not her. Honestly, she had not intently studied the medical books in her library, so she most certainly did not know the methods or workings of any doctoring techniques. “It... I-it won’t...?” she asked shakily, attempting to turn her head to look at the dragon, before he forced it away again.
“Don’t look this way. And yes, I promise it won’t hurt,” he confirmed, stroking her mane with a purple claw.
The lavender filly blinked her magenta eyes a few more times, before closing them and taking several slow, deep breaths to calm herself. She looked forward and laid her chin on the floor, hoping Spike wasn’t lying to her. She released the tensity in her muscles, letting them relax as she steadily breathed in and out, completely dropping her guard. “Okay... I’m ready...” she muttered. It better not hurt. If it hurt, she was going to defenestrate Spike.
She felt two hooves press onto her back just below her injury, holding the skin and fur taut. ‘Here it comes...’ She felt a chill creep up her chest, and she wanted to leap away, but beat back the urge. Her fuzzy ears perked as she heard a small noise behind her, almost like the sound of an antibacterial cloth wiping against her fur, followed by a sharp click. When was Fluttershy going to stick the needle in? Twilight doubted that she would wait too long, but-
Her eyes snapped open and she audibly filled her lungs as she felt the cold tip of the syringe penetrate her back just below her wound, the cool metal gently sliding into her flesh. She released a shaky breath as she felt a curtain of burning warmth spread from the injection point, all the way up her withers to her neck. It soon became the only sensation she could feel in that area; she couldn’t feel the cold needle, or the pressure of her pegasus friend’s hooves, or the chill of the cool air. Only the numbing, ghostly warmth. She raised her head, a difficult task due to her having little sensation in the muscle that performed it, and looked behind her. The doctor pulled the needle out of her back, pressing on the small red hole it left behind with a piece of cotton.
“Alright, that’s done...” Fluttershy announced softly, cleaning the syringe’s needle before retracting it and placing it back into the medical case. Holding the piece of cotton on the purple mare’s back with one wing, she reached into the case with her snout and extracted an antibacterial wipe, plus a very reflective steel scalpel.
Twilight fought back a tremor. “W-wait... What are you doing?” She stuttered, her irises shrinking again. Scalpels were used to cut.
The doctor simply looked at her, holding the knife in her teeth and using her yellow wing to hold the germicidal alcohol-soaked cloth. She rubbed it gently on the wounded alicorn’s back, the infected flesh giving off a sort of hissing noise, which caused the purple mare to panic.
“W-what are you doing!?” Twilight repeated through grit teeth, beginning to panic. That wasn’t rubbing alcohol on that cloth, was it? It must’ve been something else!
“I’m getting rid of the dead tissue... It’ll make the infection heal faster. Maybe you shouldn’t look,” Fluttershy answered, lowering her muzzle and pushing the point of the doctor’s knife into the wound.
Before Twilight could see her friend make an incision, Spike gripped her head and again turned it away. She couldn’t feel anything that the pegasus was doing to her, and was terrified of the prospect of not knowing. But... the shy pony was a doctor, right? She knew what she was doing, right?
“Twilight, don’t look,” her draconic assistant commanded, holding her head steady with one claw and squeezing her hoof with the other. Unfortunately, this did not calm her nerves.
The purple pony shivered slightly, staring ahead with trembling purple irises and a scared frown. For all she knew, Fluttershy could be surgically removing her spine, or using her back as a bloody canvas for some sick drawing, or... or something worse! She tried to twist her head to look at what the pegasus was doing, but Spike again stopped her. Her ears perked up at the quiet snick of her flesh being cut, and the occasional tink of a tool being put away. What was she doing?
“O-oh, my... You might start to feel a little lightheaded...” the butter-yellow mare warned, causing her patient’s blood to run cold.
Twilight again tried to look behind her, turning her head the other way, but the muscles in her neck were too numb to overpower her assistant’s grip. “Spike, let go! What is she doing to me!?” she demanded, twisting her head left and right.
“I-I... I’m just cleaning out your wound...” the yellow pony replied through the object held between her teeth.
Snick. Snick. Twilight winced slightly each time the horrible sound met her ears. She hoped to Celestia that her friend knew what she was doing. It sounded like she was cutting away her flesh, although it really might have just been the dead tissue inside her wound, which now that she thought about it, probably wasn’t the best thing to have in there.
She rested her head on the floor again, and tried to relax. “Spike, can you get me a pillow?” she solemnly requested, her chin starting to hurt. A mare’s face, while round, was still rather angular, and wasn’t comfortable when pressed against a hard flat surface.
“Do you promise to not look at what Fluttershy’s doing?” the young dragon asked in response, rather sternly.
“I... I promise,” Twilight conceded, blinking. Although she could not feel what the yellow mare was doing with her back, she could feel the surrounding areas, such as her wings. She could feel her friend’s body heat on them, and the occasional brush of the golden mare’s own feathers.
Spike slowly let go of her head, before walking away to fetch the requested comfort object. Twilight wanted to break her promise and look back to see what Fluttershy was doing, but... with her warning that she might feel lightheaded, she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to know.
“Okay, just one more...” Shhhick. “Oh... Oh no! Uhh... Ahh... T-Twilight, just stay with me, o-okay...?” the pink-maned pony suddenly shouted, panic creeping around the edges of her voice.
Her patient raised her eyebrows, before the fur on the back of her neck stood up as she began to feel something. It was... a sort of wet feeling, at the base of her right wing. Almost like a liquid was being poured on her... Or perhaps, a liquid seeping out of her. Her irises shrunk in panic. “W-what’s happening!?” she yelped, fighting back the urge to whip her head around. She felt a dabbing at her right wing, possibly a small medical cloth being pressed against it.
“It... I-it’s nothing... I can handle it, just stay still...!” her friend reassured, but her tone implied that she had run into a problem.
Although she couldn’t feel any pressure on her back, Twilight could feel her body being pushed downward from the sensation of her stomach pressed against the cool wooden floor.
“I-I can handle it...!” Fluttershy squeaked, a flitting noise meeting the lavender mare’s ears as the pegasus manipulated a large piece of cloth.
The cold hoof of dread gripped Twilight as she felt the liquid flow past her wing, down her side and onto the floor. She inhaled sharply to ask her friend what was going on, but her thoughts were interrupted as she suddenly felt disoriented.
“Spike, help!” the doctor yelled in horror, her voice rising a few octaves. Rapid footsteps signalled the dragon’s approach, followed by a small yelp.
“W-what did you do, Fluttershy?!” the dragon besieged, panicked.
“I... I... J-just take this and press on it!”
Twilight could barely make out what her friends were saying through the gentle, sleepy mist that had filled her head. What was going on? Why were they yelling? Why did her side feel soaking wet? There wasn’t any water nearby... Her breath was forced out of her lungs by a sudden force pressing her torso into the floor, and she gasped for air.
...The room spun...
A few minutes passed before her ability of rational thought returned to her. After blinking a few times, she vehemently shook her head, before twisting her neck to look back at her two friends. They were both pressing a large towel into her back, which was discolored a violent red at the bottom. Her eyes drifted to her wing, and she gasped sharply as she saw that her entire right side was matted and stained with blood. She began to tremble as she stared at it, before directing her gaze toward her two friends. “W-what did you...?” Her vision blurred momentarily, her mind still spinning. “...Nngh... What happened?”
Fluttershy gazed at her sorrowfully, before her teal eyes began to water. “I... I’m so sorry...! I-I think I cut too deep, a-and it started bleeding, and-...!” she rapidly apologized, before her voice caught on the lump in her throat and she fell to a soft whimper.
“Uh... Just stay calm, Twilight. It’ll stop bleeding faster if your heart’s not beating so fast,” Spike requested, pressing all of his weight against his older sister’s injury.
Twilight swallowed, before tearing her gaze away from the unsettling sight and attempting to control her breathing. At a whimper from her pegasus friend, she took a deep breath. “I-it’s okay, Fluttershy... I forgive you,” she said instinctively, although she was far more worried about the actual bleeding part. Well, apparently Fluttershy did not know what she was doing -- Twilight had almost passed out from blood loss. Then again... the sun-yellow mare was removing dead tissue, so overall her actions would make the wound heal faster. After it stopped bleeding, that is. She shook her head. Berating her timid friend for just trying to help was not a good idea. Especially not in this... delicate time.
After a few more minutes, she felt the pressure on her withers lift away as her friends took the towel off of her back. She heard the small noise of Fluttershy cleaning her wound once again with an antibacterial wipe, and then felt the blood stains being wiped off of the fur on her side, before the pegasus rummaged through her medkit again. Twilight felt a few bandages being wrapped around and under her torso (although she could not feel them on her back), before they were pulled tight and affixed with medical tape.
“Okay... I-I’m all done now... I got rid of all the necrotic tissue, so it should heal completely in a couple of days. It actually doesn’t even need stitches...” the butter-yellow pegasus mumbled dejectedly. “It... It might still leave a scar, though...”
Twilight stood up and shook her body, testing the bandages, before turning around to face her friends. Fluttershy was staring down at her yellow hooves, tears dripping to the floor from her eyes. “Uh... Th-thanks, Fluttershy... Now I don’t have to go to the hospital,” she thanked, putting anxious emphasis on ‘hospital’. Her answer was a whimper from the timid pony.
“Y-you should have just gone to the hospital... Th-they wouldn’t screw up, like I did...” she cried, before raising her head and gazing into the alicorn’s purple irises with her own tear-streaked teal ones. “...I... I think you wouldn’t w-want a bunch of ponies to see you, b-but...”
The violet pony’s eyes widened briefly at her friend’s dead-on assumption, before she frowned at her miserable expression. She embraced the coy mare with one front leg. “You did fine, Fluttershy... You fixed me up. And everypony makes mistakes,” she sympathized, before releasing her, managing a small smile. Fluttershy no doubt felt crushing guilt at hurting her friend, but after blinking her yellow eyelids a few times, her lips curved into a small smile as well.
Twilight’s smile soon faded away, and she looked at the floor, pawing at it with a purple hoof. She tried to take a step, but her front leg buckled and she almost fell down. Some of the muscles in her back were vital to walking, and right now they were numbed to the point of being unusable. “Uhm... Can... can I stay here for a little bit? At least until the anesthetic wears off? I-I can’t feel my shoulders, and I don’t think I can walk...” she asked shyly, afraid that she was asking too much. Her hesitant purple gaze floated up to meet her friend’s, and it widened as she saw the pegasus’s surprised expression.
“O-of course you can! The anesthetic is supposed to last an hour or two, j-just in case the... the procedure takes that long...” Fluttershy answered, a guilty frown again appearing on her muzzle as her blue-green eyes drifted to the bloodstain on the wooden paneling at her friend’s hooves. “I... I’m so sorry...”
The alicorn followed her friend’s gaze to the floor beneath her, and her eyebrows rose. “It’s okay, Fluttershy... I’m fine now, I sw- Whoa!” she began, before falling onto her face as she tried to walk to a nearby chair. She tried to pick herself up, but couldn’t quite lift herself up off the floor. “I’m fine... I just can’t walk because of the anesthesia,” she added, smiling up at her coy friend. She began to crawl slowly to the rug nearby, putting one hoof in front of the other, mostly using her back legs for propulsion. Without the use of her shoulders, it was a difficult task, but she made do.
“O-okay...” Fluttershy mumbled to herself, beginning to hover in front of Twilight. Yellow hooves gripped purple, and she hoisted the lavender mare’s torso upward, essentially dragging her onto a nearby couch and gently laying her on the green upholstery. “Just stay there, okay?” she instructed, landing next to the furniture and folding her wings. “...Sorry if you find any yellow feathers on it... They’re mine,” she added with a small embarrassed giggle, hiding her soft face behind her pink mane. “I-I try to clean up after I... Well, you know... I-I don’t always get them all, though.”
The bandaged mare’s head, previously lying on the cushion of the furniture, rose up at the pegasus’s statement. Fluttershy preened her feathers too? Twilight blinked a few times, turning her head to face the doctor. “Uh, hey, um, about that...” she began, looking at the two purple flight limbs that graced her midsection. “I ran into a similar problem...” she muttered, remembering the large mess of lavender feathers she had left on the floor of her own house.
“Oh! You’re already preening your feathers?” the yellow pegasus asked, initially surprised, but then seeming to teem with happiness as a smile spread across her muzzle. “That’s good! It’s a healthy thing for a pegasus to do. Well...” she trailed off, her teal eyes drifting up to an area just above Twilight’s face for a moment. “Uh...” She blinked. “N-nevermind... A-anyway, it’ll help circulation and reduce heat build-up.”
Twilight’s fuzzy ears perked. She was right! Pegasi did suffer from heat build-up in their wings! That explained it! She allowed herself a triumphant grin, but quickly curtailed it to a small smile when she realized that she was slightly creeping out her friend.
“U-uhm... I do it because I don’t want to leave yellow feathers everywhere when I visit my friends... They’d fall off by themselves otherwise, and it’s rude for a pegasus to leave her feathers anywhere but her own home...” Fluttershy muttered, her sapphire gaze trailing back to her wings. “I don’t preen anywhere else, either...”
Twilight blinked. ‘Oh... I guess I shouldn’t preen in public, then...’ she thought, looking back at the occasionally twitching flight limbs behind her. ‘Darn, I never quite finished yesterday... I guess I can do it later.’ She turned back to the pegasus. “Uh, thanks for the warning.”
The timid filly nodded briefly, chancing a tiny smile. “Well... You can stay here as long as you need to, Twilight. I’ll make lunch for three, just in case,” she chimed softly, turning to leave.
The purple pony blinked a few more times, before extending a yearning hoof. “Wait,” she quickly uttered, causing her friend to stop. “W... Why were you afraid of me?” she asked quietly, her ears folding, her tone slightly sad.
Fluttershy’s pink mane swung around as she turned slightly to face her friend again, her expression slightly frightened and her face bright pink. “Uh...” she muttered, before growing silent, sitting down at her haunches and peeking at the violet mare from behind her fuchsia locks, trembling a little. “I... I... I’m sorry...”
Twilight’s eyebrows turned upward. “Fluttershy...” she mewled sadly, retracting her hoof. She could tell that she was making the yellow mare uncomfortable, so she curled up slightly to make herself look smaller. Was she really that intimidating...?
“I... I just thought you were different... O-on the inside,” Fluttershy began, directing her gaze to the transformed pony. “I-I was afraid that you’d changed... But you’re still my friend, r-right...?” She raised her head, her eyes gleaming with hope.
The alicorn blinked, her eyes widening. Right here. Her friend had cast her trust out to her. The one thing she had learned that cements a friendship the most is aiding your friends when they need you the most, when they place their faith in you, and when you pull through for them. Normally, a friendship is like a hook in a block of cement; it can take a while to get that hook in and establish your friendship, and it can take a while to break it out -- one mistake with a friend does not necessarily destroy the companionship. But when a pony is vulnerable... that block of cement turns to jelly. If you help them in their time of need, your hook will immediately move right to the center, and will be there when the pony regains their constitution, securing a friendship. However, when your friend needs you the most and you betray them, the hook is pulled all the way out of that jelly, and the friendship is broken immediately. It was interesting how the mind worked... Twilight wasn’t one for psychology, but being able to read her friends like books was an ability packaged with just getting to know them.
“Of course... I’ll always be,” she softly answered from her position on the couch, giving a gentle smile.
Fluttershy’s expression brightened exponentially, and she stood up, beaming. “Really?” she asked merrily, slowly flapping her wings with joy.
“Absolutely,” the magenta filly affirmed, wishing she could stand up as well. Stupid anesthesia. Her friend broke into a happy grin, trotting to her and embracing her warmly in her yellow front legs. A soft sensation brushed over the less-numb regions of Twilight’s wings, neck and back as she felt the pegasus’s delicate avian limbs wrap around her in a feathery embrace.
“Oh, Twilight... I’m so glad you haven’t changed...” Fluttershy breathed over the lavender mare’s shoulder. “I was so worried...”
Twilight simply smiled at her friend, unable to pick herself up and hug her back. She blinked, trying to direct her wings forward to mimic the bashful pony’s actions. It was harder than it looked; how did Fluttershy do this? She had been holding and manipulating objects with her wings all day, bending them so far that it looked like it hurt. It probably did, too. Twilight grunted as she bent her wings further and further, to the point where it felt like their joints were going to leave their sockets, before her friend released her and backed away.
Fluttershy became surprised as she observed the purple hybrid’s attempts to reach out with her avian limbs. “Oh, Twilight, don’t do that... I know you see me do it, but I’ve been doing it for a while... A pegasus isn’t... uh...” she trailed off, throwing a momentary glance over her friend’s forehead, before shaking her head to dispel an irrelevant thought. “A pegasus isn’t supposed to do what I’m doing... I have to dislocate my wings to move them like I do, a-and a lot of ponies tell me it will eventually permanently damage my ability to fly...” she muttered, frowning and looking at the floor.
Twilight heeded her friend’s warning, and tucked her wings back against her midsection, her eyebrows turned upward. “O-oh...” she mumbled in realization. Fluttershy had been dislocating her wings to do all of those things with them? It seems like it would be useful for a creature without magic, but pegasi were supposed to be able to fly.
“...Listen, I-I don’t fly much... I like having my hooves on the ground, so I can take care of all the animals. Do you ever wonder why I don’t often fly as fast as most other pegasi? I-It’s because it’s really hard for me... I used to be able to move fast whenever I wanted to, a long time ago, but then I started taking care of animals, a-and started using my wings to pick things up,” the shy pony explained, pausing to swallow. “I can’t flap them very hard sometimes... It’s hard for me to fly fast...” she admitted, gazing at the floorboards again. “But...” she raised her head, and smiled at her magenta friend. “E-even if it does damage my flying... I think it’s a fair trade.”
Twilight gaped. Fluttershy would willingly trade away her gift of flight to be able to use her wings like two extra mouths? What pegasus would do that?
The golden filly’s smile vanished. “Y-yes, I don’t mind if I can’t fly very well; I was never a strong flier anyway. But... you shouldn’t throw away the use of your wings like me,” she stated, blinking a few times. “Don’t ever move them in a way that makes them hurt.”
Twilight stared for a moment, before swallowing. Wait... Fluttershy had been doing this for a long time? “Uh... How come I’ve never seen you doing that before?” she asked quietly, her violet eyes flicking from one of her friend’s wings to the other. Had she really been using her avian limbs like that ever since she began taking care of animals? Wasn’t that... most of her life? It would explain why she didn’t like to fly fast...
Fluttershy hid behind her pink mane once again. “I... I’m not supposed to do it... I’m misusing my wings... O-other pegasi frown at it...” she muttered shyly, her teal gaze drifting to the floor. “I don’t want to be ridiculed for it...”
A dreadful silence fell between the two ponies. Twilight looked down at her hooves, then over her shoulder at the flight limbs on her back. The irony of the situation flowed over her like water; apparently her friend also had something to hide in public. How quaint. The timid filly’s was far easier to conceal, however.
Twilight shifted, trying to get into a more comfortable position. She relaxed her lavender wings, letting them sag to the couch’s surface. She felt a tad... well, restless. Even though she was a calm, intelligent, introverted mare that loved inactive pastimes such as reading, she still liked to move around. Not being able to do so was quickly getting on her nerves, especially when it was her body that was stopping her, rather than her own will. She extended a wing and looked at it, noting the disheveled feathers, and had a mind to preen it just for something to do, but then remembered Fluttershy’s statement that it was rude to do that in somepony else’s house. She sighed, before resting her avian limb once again, a single lavender feather coming loose and drifting lazily to the wooden floor. She blinked at it, before looking at the owner of the house apprehensively. “Uhh... I’m sor-”
Fluttershy extended her yellow wings out in front of her, raising them almost like Spike would his palms. “Oh no, it’s alright,” she muttered, shaking her head, before her lips curved into a gentle smile. “I don’t mind...” She reached down with a wing tip and wrapped it around the violet feather, picking it up. “You know, Twilight, you could keep your feathers... You could use them as quills,” she suggested innocently, tilting her head. “I know you do a lot of writing...”
Twilight bit her lip at the irony of the statement and looked away anxiously, her cheeks burning. Spike had suggested that same thing, although she was sure he was mocking her. The dragon in question, who had kept silent while the two mares talked, let out a quiet snicker, finding this humorous. He quickly ceased and stood up straight when his older sister shot him a glare, however. “I don’t think I should. I mean, wouldn’t they break really easily?” she asked, her gaze drifting back to her yellow friend.
Fluttershy calmly shook her head, her pink mane flowing gently back and forth, a soft smile gracing her lips. “No, pegasus feathers are strong; they won’t break... I’m sure alicorn feathers are even stronge-” She stopped short upon realizing what she had said, her smile disappearing and her teal irises shrinking. She blinked, an apologetic look on her face upon sighting her purple friend’s distraught expression. “I... I’m sorry...” she mumbled, hiding behind her mane. “I-I didn’t know that you don’t like to talk about it... I’m sorry...”
The winged unicorn took a deep breath, and audibly released it. “No, no... It’s true... I know what I am... I’m just having a little trouble accepting it, is all...” she uttered, a morose sigh escaping her lungs as she laid her fuzzy chin on her hooves. “...I don’t want to accept it. I... I don’t. But I have to, so... just go ahead and talk about it. It’ll help me suck it up,” she admitted self-mockingly, avoiding the pegasus’s gaze. She frowned, her eyebrows upturning. “A-and I... I’m sorry for breaking a hole in your floor...”
The yellow filly perked up, shooting a gaze out the door at the aforementioned hole in the wooden paneling in the next room. She turned her head back, her pink mane swishing with her head, her expression merely surprised.
“I-I’ll pay for it,” Twilight added, casting a sidelong glance at her friend. “I will. I didn’t mean to break it... I’m really strong now for some reason, probably because I’m a-...” She paused to swallow, shutting her eyes tight. “A... an alicorn.” The word tasted horrible on her tongue. ‘Suck it up, Twilight,’ she scolded herself as she involuntarily began to tremble, taking a shuddering breath.
“N-no, it’s okay, I have plenty of money. I’m sure you need your own to... … ...” Fluttershy’s voice and words faded to the magenta pony as she became lost in her own thoughts, deaf to the world around her.
“Fluttershy,” Twilight cut in, still trembling, opening her eyes to look up at her friend’s teal irises. “Tell me what I am.”
The butter-yellow mare blinked, caught off-guard by the request. She smiled as she took a deep breath. “Well, you’re a really smart, really nice pony that’s one of my best friends, and I really enjoy your company beca-”
“No, Fluttershy,” Twilight interrupted, shaking her head. She shut her eyes tight. “Species. Tell me what species I am,” she specified with a whimper, her body shaking as she braced herself.
“Oh... Ah... Uhm...” Fluttershy stuttered hesitantly. She blinked sorrowfully at her lavender friend on the couch, afraid to answer her question.
“Say it,” Twilight pleaded. “Just say it.” Three words. She took another shuddering breath, her eyes still squeezed shut.
“I... I don’t think I should...” Fluttershy muttered in concern, blinking at her friend on the couch.
“Say it...!” the former patient begged as she lifted her head up, extending her purple wings to support her point. She thought she could feel the burning of tears behind her eyes, but kept their lids shut to keep them from flowing out. She knew what she was; she wanted to hear it from another voice, to drill that fact into her head and force her to accept it. “What am I?”
The pegasus’ ears fell flat on her pink mane, startled by her friend’s outburst. “W-why does it matter...? You’re Twilight...” she mumbled quietly, peeking at the rare-breed from behind her mane. “I-I really don’t mind what you look like on the outside...”
The purple pony filled her lungs, before exhaling in a soft whimper, opening her watery magenta eyes and gazing at her friend. Her wings lay loose against her sides, losing a few more of their purple feathers.
“I-it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” Fluttershy explained, a small smile on her pale yellow muzzle. “Don’t be upset... I know you’re still the pony I’ve known all this time,” she soothed, approaching her friend and seating her haunches before the soft couch that she lay on.
Twilight simply stared at the sweet-smiling mare, her vision beginning to blur as she struggled to keep her eyes focused. She swallowed, vaguely aware that her mouth was hanging open. It... didn’t matter? Really? She had spent the better part of two days thinking about how this... impossible change was to drastically alter her life, how everything was going to change, but... did it really not matter? Could everypony just... simply move past it? Could her life could just carry on as normal? She didn’t think so. Her friends might understand, but the public wasn’t biased towards her like they were. But... they might be able to move past it... They just might...
She blinked, a few tears flowing free from her gleaming magenta eyes and causing the room around her to swim about in a light haze. She lifted her head slightly, trying to focus on an indistinct light-gold shape. “D-do you really mean that?...” she whispered hopefully, struggling to keep her voice from breaking.
A blurred pink mane bobbed slightly as Fluttershy nodded. “Of course I do... You’re my friend.” She giggled lightly, her gentle voice cutting deep into the purple pony’s heart. A bright sunbeam on a gloomy day, she inched herself closer to the injured mare and draped a comforting yellow wing over her. “I’m not going to treat you any differently just because you look different...” she assured quietly, smiling.
Twilight swallowed, looking up at the unfocused image of her sun-yellow friend. She trembled, before gently laying her head against the crook of the pegasus’s wing. She took a shaking breath, burying her face in it. But, despite the tears, she felt a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She was accepted. Regardless of everything that had happened... she was accepted. Fluttershy had proved that it was possible. Rarity had tolerated her, but her occasional verbal slip-up, such as referring to her as a princess, showed that her opinion of her had indeed changed. However, Fluttershy’s opinion had not.
She felt her golden friend lean towards her, enveloping her with her torso and feathered wing. Twilight felt a gentle nuzzle on the side of her head as well, breaking down her last barrier of doubt. She pushed her face against her friend’s wing, the odd scent of flowers filling her nostrils, and a smile slowly crept across her face. This time, the tears leaking out of her closed eyes were tears of happiness and relief, not of misery.
Her timid friend had completely accepted her, even going so far as to embrace her with a wing, a symbol of trust among pegasi. For the first time all day, she began to feel that she wasn’t as much of a freak as she thought she was. She inhaled, preparing to speak, but Fluttershy shushed her softly.
“You might be a little different on the outside... but you’re still the same Twilight on the inside,” Fluttershy soothed, quieting the trembling pony. The pair simply remained silent for some time.
Twilight eventually calmed herself, her breathing slowing to a methodic pace, her brain most likely having now associated the scent of Fluttershy’s feathers and fur to the emotions she was feeling; acceptance, relief, reassurance. Now at peace, her mind began its analyctical processes once again, predicting what she would make of this turn of events. Some ponies are very fond of certain smells, sometimes because they have a certain memory attached to them, and the scent itself reminded them of it. Her brain was most likely attaching the feeling of peace and tranquility to the smell of flowers, now. She called it; next time she decided to stop and smell the flora, she would be reminded of this moment, wrapped in the embrace of the first friend who had completely accepted her, and her mind would be at peace.
Maybe this all wouldn’t be so bad...
“Uhm... Twilight? I... I’m sorry for asking this, but I-I’m curious... How did this happen, exactly?”
Twilight’s eyes opened, and her smile faded. She felt tranquil, yes, but... she wasn’t quite at the point where she was comfortable talking about her wings. She swallowed hesitantly, shaking her head against her friend’s feathers.
“Oh... I-it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” Fluttershy muttered, staring down at the unfortunate hybrid. “I... I want to know, though...”
The purple mare cleared her throat to dislodge the phlegm that had gathered in it, slowly raising her head to look at her friend with a reluctant frown. “I... I don’t know... Y-yesterday I... I just woke up with them...” she stuttered, her purple irises trembling, before she bowed her head back into the pegasus’s pale yellow wing. “Can... can we please talk about something else...?” she asked, her voice muffled by her friend’s soft plumage. Now that it didn’t matter anymore, she wanted to drop the subject of her being an alicorn. It was not a pleasant thing to talk about, at the time being the primary issue in her life. “Please, I...”
Fluttershy brought her distraught purple friend closer with her wing. “Okay...” she muttered softly, waiting until the lavender mare’s breathing slowed before speaking again. She took a deep breath. “...How is the library doing?” she asked quietly, respecting Twilight’s wish for a change of topic.
The purple mare shifted at the question. “It... It’s fine,” was her muffled reply, before she raised her head, her expression still somber. “W-we got some new books last week...” Her library was a small business; she was given monthly checks by Mayor Mare to run it for the convenience of the townsponies. It was both her own personal library, and a public library she agreed to let the citizen ponies use. Actually, she sometimes hoarded books she was reading in her room, to make sure that nopony could check them out before she was done with them.
“Spike and I have been getting a lot more customers lately. Maybe reading is ‘in’ right now, or something,” she added, a small, amused smile appearing on her violet muzzle.
“Do... do you have any books on the behavior of aquatic mammals?” the shy filly asked, her eyes drifting to the upper-left. “I have this rambunctious little seal that doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t splash land creatures, like ponies, without their permission...” she added with a soft giggle.
“I might,” the librarian replied, her expression brightening a bit. This was the most pleasant conversation she’d had since she acquired her wings. Every single time she’d talked to another pony since that point, it had only been about her new limbs, or something related to them. It was really, really nice to have a normal conversation for once. “I’ll have to check in the back.” She chuckled at her own dry humor.
Fluttershy smiled, her teal eyes beaming, and removed her wing from her friend, allowing the lavender pony to raise her head up fully. “I-I actually tried to ask you about it yesterday, but when I got to your library, it was closed... I was going to come back later, but...”
Twilight’s developing smile faltered as she was reminded of the measure she had taken to prevent anypony from seeing her yesterday. “Ah... I... I wasn’t there for most of yesterday, a-and neither was Spike...” she muttered, bending the truth just a tad. She blinked, looking down at her hooves, and then in the direction opposite her friend.
The two mares sat in an uncomfortable silence for a moment, before the yellow filly took a breath. “Twilight...?” she asked with concern, noticing that the lavender pony was avoiding her gaze. The alicorn didn’t answer, only glancing in the light-gold pegasus’s direction for a brief moment.
“I... I’m sure there’s a copy of that training book in my library, though,” the librarian answered, deliberately changing the topic. Her friend seemed to have taken the hint, the chrysanthemum mare’s pink mane bobbing as she nodded.
“Th-thank you... U-uhm...” the pegasus mumbled, her teal eyes flicking to the bandaged mare’s torso for a split second. “Uhh... W-what kind of books do you like?” she asked evasively, giving a small smile that looked just a tad forced.
Twilight frowned. Fluttershy seemed like she was beating around the bush, island-hopping between small topics, almost as if she was deliberately avoiding the subject that her guest did not want to think about. “I... I like all books...” she answered unenthusiastically. The shy pony kept sneaking glances at her sides, more specifically at the large violet wings that graced them. She really didn’t want to talk about them... didn’t her friend understand that?
“Ah... so, uh... do you like to read w-... in-... a-... f-...” the reticent mare stuttered, her eyes darting between several nearby objects. “d-during certain weather?” she blurted, obviously forced. She grinned widely, and Twilight could almost swear that she heard a squeak come from it.
The hybrid mare sighed morosely, looking down at her hooves and closing her eyes. ‘Thanks for at least being sensitive, Fluttershy...’ A moment passed in complete silence, neither pony daring to speak. Twilight’s eyes twitched under her eyelids. Well... if she really wanted to talk about it that much...
She returned her gaze to her friend, her expression worried. “Uhm... Fluttershy, I...” she began, before her voice caught and she cleared her throat. “I’m not sure what... what I’m going to do... a-about...” she mumbled, before frowning and tilting her head downwards. She closed her eyes again, simply extending her purple-feathered avian limbs a little into the air behind her to imply her point, because she didn’t want to say it out loud. “It... It’s just too much...”
“Twilight... They’re only wings,” the bashful pegasus reasoned, causing Twilight to flinch and cast a miserable glance her way at the mention of her flight appendages. Fluttershy bent down to nuzzle the purple pony to comfort her, shushing her softly. “I-if you need me to... I’ll help you through this, okay?” she whispered into a fuzzy violet ear. “I-if there’s anything you need, I can help... You’re my friend... I’m here for you.”
Twilight swallowed. The damage her wings had indirectly caused to her back paled in comparison to the damage they had caused her psyche, but the golden filly’s soft, reassuring words were finally beginning to mend it. She looked down at her chest, inhaling softly and working the inside of her mouth. “I... I’m afraid of what everypony will think of me... What they’ll expect of me...” she spilled, losing her voice. “I... I-I just... I don’t know what to do, Fluttershy... If anypony found out...” she admitted, before her ears folded as she remembered that it was already too late. The Crusaders knew, and they were probably the most talkative bunch of fillies in Ponyville.
Fluttershy nuzzled her again, once more wrapping a wing around her. “Nopony will find out... Not until you’re ready,” she stated, opening her eyes and smiling at the dark-colored mare. “I’ll help you through this. Uhm...” she said softly as she looked off to the side for a moment. “...How did Pinkie Pie say this...?”
Twilight felt a small smile tug at her lips as she watched her friend wrack her brain to remember the premiere party pony’s famed ‘Pinkie Promise’. Instead of waiting for her to recall the correct words, she simply nuzzled the mare’s neck and extended one of her own purple wings to wrap around her withers.
The shy pony’s teal eyes widened at her friend’s embrace, before she smiled softly, closing her eyes and returning the gesture. “It’ll all be okay,” she whispered, holding the bandaged pony close.
The alicorn drew a quiet breath. She had never hugged somepony with her wings before, and... it felt very soft by comparison. Every minute movement of her plumage brushing against her pegasus friend’s soft fur sent shudders through her. The feeling of another living creature on the sensitive underside of her wing felt alien to her, but yet, it was strangely comforting. The aberrant sensation shot a chill down her spine, but it was quickly followed by a pleasant, welcoming warmth, and she trembled as it washed over her. It felt so fragile... like one errant movement would shatter it like thin glass. It was intense, and after a moment she broke the embrace, unable to handle any more of the strange bliss it seemed to bring.
She smiled warmly at Fluttershy as she folded her wing back against her side, every droplet of her anxiety having been washed away by the tidal wave of comfort that she had experienced just moments before. “I... I needed that. Thank you, Fluttershy,” she uttered gratefully, her purple ears perking up. A hug with the wing... seemed to have more power than a normal hug. It... it felt different, it felt better. Almost as if it required complete trust in the recipient, or the tender sensation would quickly turn into pain.
“You’re very welcome... I told you, I’ll help you through this. ...Is there anything else you need?” Fluttershy asked, watching her friend with glee. “I-if not, I should probably go make some food... It’s about lunch time,” she explained, gesturing behind her with a yellow hoof.
Twilight opened her mouth, about to say something, before her eyes widened as her stomach growled. She looked down curiously at her fuzzy lavender chest, before her magenta gaze slowly drifted back to her friend with a small, embarrassed smile. “Uh... Lunch would be... kind of nice,” she muttered awkwardly.
The butter-yellow pegasus simply giggled into a hoof. “Looks like somepony’s hungry...” she playfully chimed, smiling brightly. “I’ll make us something, and maybe get some sapphires for Spike,” she offered, casting a glance at the dragon, who had perked up at the mention of food. “I-it’s not sapphire season, but I’m sure I have some lying around somewhere...” she muttered as she turned to leave the room.
“Thanks, Fluttershy,” Twilight said as her friend exited, shifting to get into a more comfortable position. Maybe she could leave after lunch; the anesthesia was sure to wear off by then. For once that day, she wasn’t worried about anything. The hole that anxiety had gnawed in her stomach had been filled with love and acceptance, and at the time, she felt content. Even when she had to eventually leave her friend’s house, she figured she could get home easily without any problems if she took the path around the outskirts of the city instead of walking straight through the middle. It was the longer path, but it was businesspony-free.
She took a deep breath, exhaling gently as she smiled, letting her eyelids slide shut, her mind at peace. Even if being an alicorn meant something... If it carved out a path in her life that she didn’t quite want to head down... at least Fluttershy would be there to help her along. Maybe some of her other friends would, too. If the yellow pegasus could completely accept her, so could they.
Even if it took some convincing.
Whew... Finally, this monster is done. Chapters 3 and 4 were written adjacent to each other, intended to be one chapter, but broken in half when it got too big. It’s also why there was such a cruel cliffhanger for Chapter 3; we decided to split it in a place that would leave you all ITCHING for more. Yes, we’re evil. When we complete a chapter with a cliffhanger, we sit around our fireplace and twiddle our french mustaches, sip tea, stroke our cats, and cackle evilly for an hour or so. We also share Britishisms (I provide the motherload! -Beige).
Chapter four is Beige’s favorite chapter, actually. We went a little heavy on the d’aww, but you guys like that, right?
Just as a heads-up, this will not become a shipfic. Friendshipping = d’aww, so expect more of that, but we won’t drift into actual shipping territories. Don’t worry.
Special thanks to Super Big Mac for pre-reading this monster!
[Note] Don’t worry, this fic isn’t going to be all doom and gloom. Lots of happy awaits.
Comments ( 135 )
ONE STILL DOES NOT SIMPLY GET FIRST ![]()
also yesterday when cliffhanger came i raged and threw a tin can at my wall then i read this would be out the next day then i squee'd
OMGWTFBBQ THIS UPDATED WHILE I WAS READING CHAPTER 3!!!!1!1!
*Dies of storygasm*
well, CRAP. Now I don't get to read it.
Another great chapter, and well worth the wait. Also well worth delaying my dinner until a crazy hour of the night to read it.
>>275390 One does not simply call out 'first'. One must say it, practically before reading... ![]()
Woo! Monster indeed! This is the cutest monster ever, though, so I really didn't mind lending a hoof! Or my eyes, lol. Anyhow, this is definitely a chapter worth every second in its weight of heart atta- er, 'gold'. Yeah, gold. We'll go with that.
Also, I have a little scavenger hunt for all the great readers out there! Try to find all the sentences in this chapter that, out of context, could mean some possible sexy-fun time between characters.
I didn't try to find them, I just did. ![]()
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So... whens the next chapter?
I'm only joking. While I would try to offer some comments on the story, the simple truth is I was too glued while reading it to actually look at it.
Okay... there's occasions where I think you go a little too far to refer to your characters. The descriptions mean only so much if your audience can get it without checking the dictionary. (Mainly referring to that red-violet color you used to describe Twilight) Kind of touches on the topic of "pulling the reader out of the fic."
I didn't even know there was a word for "throwing someone out the window" until this chapter. (defenestrate)
This is obviously a losing argument. By this logic would you have to turn down the vocabulary to a 1st grade level? I'm not trying to suggest any changes to the fic, but merely stating what went through my mind reading this chapter. Major points for word choice... jeez.
>>275600 Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 were originally one chapter. No need to restate the problems you saw in 3. ![]()
We already learned our lesson with the word choice. Amaranthine is a tad ridiculous. And we were originally going to use "throw Spike out the window", but then Beige suggested we use defenestrate. Eh. Ya' win some, ya' lose some.
Thanks for the feedback!
Dem word choices,
dat friendshipping,
these d'aws
![]()
The choice of words for referring to the characters is a nice change from the ones you normally see in other stories. A little more descriptive, a bit more complicated, all the more fun.
...
Cheetah-bloom.
(Hopefully Sweetie Belle comes with an off switch for her spells)
Can't wait till AJ's chapter![]()
Keep up the awesome work!
(Also, I love all this music you're using
)
Twilight Worries: The Fanfic
Brought to you by Merriam-Webster's Obscure Word Emporium! Don't languish in banality for another moment, galvanize yourself and differentiate your prose today!
I kid, of course. You've obviously already taken those concerns to heart, but I just couldn't resist.
I'm enjoying the story.
*Wake up in the morning*
Today I will get shit done!
*New "Expectations" chapter released*
LOL NOPE
Awesome chapter, my friend! ![]()
Also, I thought Twilight being afraid of injections was a interesting touch.
You, sir, get all the d'awws! ![]()
>>275652 I know what you mean, defenestrate is one of my favourite words right now, right up there with recalcitrant and archipelago.
>>275643 I did think the use of amaranthine was a bit off, not because it was too fancy but because it's too far from Twilight's real color, which is pretty much straight lavender. Amaranthine is a deep reddish color, more like Cheerilee, maybe even Big Mac, though if you were going for the symbolism of the dual-meaning then good for you, always like a little genuis bonus thrown in here and there!
The description of fluttershy cleaning out the wound is sufficiently ambiguously sickening, open wounds are NASTY when they get infected, especially with a good lump of necrosis in there, one question though: did Fluttershy not say she intended to stitch it shut way back before Twi came out of the proverbial closet? Or am I just being thick again?
At any rate, keep up the good work!
"We went a little heavy on the d’aww, but you guys like that, right?"
My hemophobic side: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
What I said about the last chapter might not change, but my opinion on this one is very different! Filler seemed none existant, and I honesly enjoyed every sentence. Wonderful conclusion to chapter three!
Wing hugs more powerful than regular hugs...thank celestia pinkie isn't a pegasus
Occasion. >.>
EHN EE WAI. Loved the chapters, glad to know I'm not the only one who twirls French mustaches and sips tea while cackling like the evil mastermind that I am. (see the teaser for my chapter three to see what I mean. :P)
Looking forward to more from the great GaruuSpike (who still hasn't accepted my steam friend request
) and the brilliant and magnificent Beige Monkfish!
ALL HAIL FRIENDSHIPPING! *salutes to you both*
Love and tolerance,
Kobalstromo
Hm. It's 2am right ow where I live. And I won't be able to sleep as long as I want to this next morning.
But I am still happy that I stayed up late to wait for this chapter. It's gorgeous.![]()
My only regret: now I have to wait two weeks for the next chapter.![]()
PS: That last scene...d'aaawwwwww...
Welp, time to write a fanfic revolving purely around Garuu and Beige sitting in their evil lair/headquarters, stroking their cats and twiddling their handlebar mustaches.
There will be shipping. With brain fetus.
Brain fetus shipping.
Ack, my comment is so laaaaate. I swear I was eagerly awaiting the chapter and read it right at 5 PM CST, but my wifi connection failed me by the time I went to comment. ![]()
Aaaanyway, I loved this update, though I have to admit I was hoping we might get a little more story progress than just meeting Fluttershy and getting the wound dealt with. Also, I seriously LOLed at defenestrate, so good word choice there.
woa garuuspike is your name and speed typing is your game... thats a fast update you did there...
yay for britishisms!
ugh it's going to be a pain trying to talk to rainbow dash she'll probably parade around town screaming "IM FRIENDS WITH A FREAKING ALICORNZ! OMGWTFBBQ!1!!1!!
>>275937 I apologize, I'll accept it right away. D8 Too busy playing maplestory
>>276013 DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
>>276056 Actually both of these were (technically) completed at the same time. It took us 3 weeks to write both; we just split the massive document they were in half and uploaded them separately. :O
Well then. Now to clean up every single chapter here and try for EqD. Our chance of getting in is approximately 8%. If we get in, yay, if we don't, oh well. ![]()
*Reads comments, sees references to complicated vocabulary*
*Re-checks the fic*
Well, all those years upon years of combing the library for good books before finding fanfiction in the late 90's and switching my primary language to English served a good purpose. I have to say I haven't noticed any complicated vocabulary myself...
Good work.
Slightly excessive angst , although I confess this being the same pony who kinda went nuts because she had no friendship problems to solve is kinda in character.
set sail on the SS Friendship!
loves me some friendshiping. so much better than Shipping.
love that D'aww!
and dear gawd keep coming with the vocabulary stretching. i'm LEARNING. squeee!
THE FRIENDSHIPPING IS GLORIOUS!
IT IS THE TRUE MEANING OF MY LITTLE PONY.
hurrah for another chapter! I'm really enjoying how many adjectives you use.
>>276191 I will send you Daily private messages from my supercomputer in my evil lair to remind you until you submit! MUAHAHAHAHA (no really, I do have a super computer.)
>>276231 Pffffff, Ain't no hard feelin's. I was just poking fun anyway.
To the both of you, I suggest we convene a secret meeting somewhere where we shall deliberate how to best twirl a mustache and compare evil cackles. I promise it will be pet friendly, for those of you with evil cats. ![]()
Be in touch! ![]()
Love and Tolerance,
Kobalstromo
Obligatory waiting for 'x' gif:
Gonna snap sometime.
AHAME
I really liked that d'aw moment, and found the 'oh shit, shit, shit' moments to be partially scary and partially halairous. Good job you mustache twiddling fucks. You made me smile. Time to die.
Are you saying no shipping within the Mane 6, or just no shipping period?
Every once in a while the story lapses into telling, example:
"The pair simply remained silent for some time. A young dragon sitting mere yards away intentionally kept quiet with a cheery smile on his face, happy to give the mares some time. He probably knew that this would help his older sister’s mental state, and wished not to jeopardize the moment."
That last sentence is unnecessary, the audience is capable of inferring it on their own.
This is good story altogether so far, I look forward to the next chapters eagerly.
You've managed to poke my intellectual sides interest, your use of words are quite interesting and the descriptors are spot on
(don't have any monacle ponies yet :/)
Hopefully quick healing is an alicorn trait that comes in soon so Twilight does not scar forever. ![]()
Bear with me for this, 'cause this may run a bit long.
I'd like to start out by saying that what you guys are putting together is certainly impressive in it's scope. While the story you're telling has been told in a lot of different ways, by a lot of different people, what you guys are doing is certainly the most in depth and focused exploration of this scenario I've read. That said, there are a few areas where I think you can improve.
The one that stands out the most for me is the, quite frankly, excessive use of purple prose. "The lithovore"? "The amaranthine pony"? "The timid veterinarian"? What's so wrong with Spike, Twilight, and Fluttershy? One of the key tenets of effective writing is "simpler is better", and simplifying your descriptions is one way you guys can definitely and easily improve the quality of your prose. I know you may be concerned with being repetitive, but instead of worrying about how it reads, focus on telling the story as directly and succinctly as possible. I can guarantee that this thing will come out much better and much stronger if you worry about just telling it instead of making it look pretty.
The next concern I had was how the characters all seem to have very exaggerated emotional responses to the situation. Twilight's paranoia, Rarity's overreaction and Fluttershy's terror all just come across as excessive and really feel like they're making the story drag. We realize that Twilight's freaking out about this, so we don't need to be shown the umpteen different concerns she's having about her friend's reactions. Simple solution? Say it once, then move on. Remind the reader if it was something mentioned in the past (like a previous chapter), but you don't need to waste time exploring every concern and anxiety.
I'll end this by saying that you guy's are doing a great job, you just happen to be making a few common mistakes (as Fluttershy might say, "You're not a bad writer, you just made a decision."). I'm looking forward to seeing more from you guys, so try not to get too disheartened by what I said. ![]()
Hm. I'll be honest, I wasn't terribly fond of this chapter. Not a Fluttershy or angst fan so both at the same time was not my proverbial cup of tea. But that's just me. Also, wewt to being so close.
“I-it’s not sapphire season, but I’m sure I have some lying around somewhere...” Gems have seasons?!![]()
>>276939 Professor Howe Cann steps up to the podium.
"Ahem. Sapphires are mined today the same as they were thousands of years ago. Most sapphires come from countries that have strict guidelines on how mining may proceed. In Sri Lanka (Ceylon) mining is regulated so that the land is protected from over use. Mining is restricted to small-scale operations where heavy machinery is forbidden.
Natural untreated sapphires are rare and are mined in a way that will ensure a stable market and also secure future generations of sufficient deposits and supply. So yes, in the real world, there is a "Sapphire Season." It's during the months that surround monsoon season and is carefully controlled to ensure the market is not flooded with them."
"Thank you for your time."
Okay, this chapter is so amazing it deserves its own Muffin Button Approval.
Thanks again for such an amazing chapter.![]()
I am most interested in the princesses reactions. Do they know or expect it? So exciting!
I already commented on the previous chapter, but I'd also like to add that along with relevant adjectives, you shouldn't use two different adjectives for the same thing (Eg. Referring to Fluttershy's color as sun, butter, chrysanthemum, corn, maize, etc.) Aside from the question of accuracy, even words that refer to very similar shades like butter-yellow or corn-yellow will still give the impression that you're talking about two different things.
Also you called twilight an astrologist which is just all kinds of wrong.
Astronomy: The branch of physics that studies celestial bodies and the universe as a whole. ![]()
Astrology: A pseudoscience claiming divination by the positions of the planets and sun and moon. ![]()
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I fucking love this story, it's perfect for reading in classes that I do damn near nothing in for an hour and a half every day.
>>277243 do to how chapter 2 was I'm going to say she already knows. spike did slip up in there that seemed a lot like he had been talking to the princess already about the whole thing, so he knows a lot more then we are being shown. But it will be nice to see the princesses view on all this and see if she knew this day would come.
That aside, loved both chapters! ![]()
Another thing: that whole bit with Fluttershy damaging her wings better become relevant or some kind of Chekhov's Gun later in the story.
As it is it seems not only purposeless, but it also runs counter to canon--we've seen that Fluttershy is perfectly capable with her hooves, why bother using wings? Canon also shows us that Fluttershy can fly very proficiently and powerfully when she wants to.
Ummm, I notice you avoid using names like the plague. While it is bad to repeatedly use them over and over; you don't have to do it quite as often as you are. Thanks for writing an excellent story.
Needles, surgery, blood...
Everything else
Finally caught up, and it was totally worth it, keep up the good work guys
(also, on a sidenote: I found you again garuu
)
I have to say, this has all been a sterling effort so far, and marvelously done. My only criticism is probably the one you've herd tenfold by now with regards to addressing the characters. Still bloody terrific though! ![]()
By far one of my favourite fanfic to read. Mind you, the operation almost made me start to tremble, I am the same as Twilight in this story, and this brought me right back to when I was laying on a examination table having basically the same this happen to my foot......*Tells himself to stop thinking about it
This is fast becoming one of my favorite stories, please keep up the great writing! ![]()
This, and all of my sadness and bitterness. The characters, without fail, made me cringe throughout the entirety of chapter 3 & 4 because they were not the same characters from the show. Everything was waaaaaay over-done; I mean, I don't know how much more melodrama could possibly be fit into one chapter. It seems like Twilight has an existential crisis every three paragraphs, and we spend God knows how many pages on thirty seconds of dialogue/action.
I really only complain because I want to see this story succeed, but as is, I don't think it's too great. I'm sorry.
Lol, almost cried and nothing too sad happened. Wtf are these ponies influencing in my head?
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COME ON! I GO THROUGH A CAR CRASH TO BECOME AN ALICORN, AND SOMEPONY GETS IT NORMALLY, AND REJECTS IT?!![]()
(I am a pegasus with a hood ornament stuck in my head)
You made a couple of good, if less-than accurate, points. Allow me to elaborate.
Firstly, your complaint regarding 'purple prose' is, in my opinion, unfounded; the style of writing exhibited in this fic is in no way even close to what is the common standard for purple prose, which is a deluge of description and extreme tendency towards detail and high impact (if beautiful) imagery to an excess. This fic simply does not have that as a problem. The language is (for the most part) easy to understand, and almost blunt compared to other stories I have read (if you've ever read Perdido Street Station, or anything else by China Meville, you'll understand what I mean). However, you are grasping at a correct point; in particular, the use of overly complex words and terms that aren't commonly known, which distract the reader's attention from the story, thus detracting from the overall experience.
While I do love finding the occasional new word to add to my vocabulary, this fic uses words that you simply wouldn't find in most cases. I knew most of them, true, but the fact that such terms are uncommon in their usage and therefore not easily recognizable/understandable mean that the majority of your readers will be distracted by these new words (lithovore, amaranthine, reticent, defenestrate). Frankly, it seems that you believe that repetition in your writing has a negative effect; this is not so. The negative effect is currently stemming from your reluctance to repeat yourselves. Just because there are many different words for purple does not mean you should try to avoid using the same one twice, and the same applies to naming your characters as they perform actions (a concept Moose nailed on the head). Repeating the name of a character is not bad, so long as it is not done to an extreme degree. While I do love the incorporation of complex, out of the ordinary words in writing, you shouldn't feel that saying the names of your characters has a negative connotation. Description is good, but it should not be used as an excuse to avoid repeating the names of those involved in a story. While a viable option, it holds no true benefits toward furthering your abilities as writers.
Moving on: Moose suggested that you eliminate the deeper explorations into your characters' emotional states. To an extent, I can agree with this assessment, regardless of the story's intentional focus on Twilight's emotional state/reactions to what she is undergoing. While your abilities to accurately portray emotions through words are admirable, there are times where being incessantly reminded of how conflicted Twilight is wears on a reader's nerves. The same applies to the other characters, most especially Fluttershy, as her dramaticized emotions are the most prevalent (as a secondary character) as yet. Unless there is some relevance to the story with regards to Twilight's/the others' rampant and somewhat melodramatic emotions, please try not to go too overboard with psychological states. Even if I enjoy reading it. -_-
Now, moving into my own thoughts based upon my reaction to this story: Your grammar and technical aspects of your writing are, for the most part, impeccable. You two do seem to have a fascination with commas, which I can understand; the same with regards to the use of ellipses. Well, at the very least, one of you does. While those punctuation marks are useful in conveying feelings of hesitation and doubt, and for elongating a sentence, you should try to cut back on their usage, if only to a smaller degree. The actual flow of events can be somewhat jumpy while you explore Twilight's thoughts on her current situation, but the flow of the writing allowed me to overlook this until I went and re-read each chapter. The fact that you managed to hold my attention throughout the story (with a few exceptions, mostly having to do with certain words) shows that it transitions from screen to mental imaging relatively smoothly. For that, applause.
Now, on a more critical note, you should be extremely careful of what you write in as this story's version of "canon." I mostly point this out because of Fluttershy's sudden... condition, shall we say? Now that you've stated that, you must stick to it throughout the remainder of the story; she cannot suddenly regain the ability to fly perfectly. Period. I seriously hope that you bring this up in future chapters, especially as a plot device, because otherwise it seems to be something of a one-off gimmick.
To go further, you seem to be scrapping much of what is widely considered canon. While I'm not likely to complain, as I don't mind a little bit of out of character reactions (so long as the story being told is good enough to make me overlook it), it might alienate some of your more... "conservative" readers. However, as the authors of this piece, it is your decisions that are final. I just feel that you should make an attempt at keeping this within shooting distance of canon, else label it an alternate universe and go all out. To put things simply, don't go overboard with changes unless they tie in naturally with the story and universe you are expanding upon.
Additionally, keep an eye on how others react to Twilight. While I can understand some extremes in the emotional sprectrum from her friends, you must keep in mind that this is Ponyville, where the world is threatened/saved every other week. Abnormality could be considered normal, and thus the appearance of wings on Twilight really wouldn't be too much of a shock, as it could be chalked up as a magical experiment gone awry, so on, so forth. To go further, unless Twilight's normal physical appearance shifted a fair degree from the norm (excluding the new wings; I'm referring to changes in facial structure, leg/torso dimensions, etc.), wouldn't Rarity have recognized her easily? (This could be placed under the melodramatic and exaggeration point, but I feel that it is separate enough to warrant its own sub-point.) If your best friend's skin suddenly changed from white to black, without a significant shift in terms of facial structure/build, you would still be able to recognize him/her as your best friend, correct? (I acknowledge that such is an extreme example, but it's one of the best parallels one can draw in terms of racial differences between pegasi and unicorns vs. human beings; since we do not have such wildly varying features as wings and horns, skin color was the most prevalent and major difference I could draw up in comparison. If I get accused of racism, I'm going to lose all faith in humanity. Again. :P)
Still going onward (don't worry, I'll get off your backs soon), as much as I enjoy reading this story, the sheer emotional depth to which you take Twilight and the other characters doesn't leave much space for my own feelings; in short, while I may enjoy Twilight as a character of MLP, I'm having trouble connecting to her as a character in this fic. This may just be me, but I actually enjoy the story flowing forward more than I do the character interactions and the characters themselves. They may be beautifully portrayed, which I like, but I'm more curious to see how it all fits together in terms of plot and development. Not to say that your characters aren't three-dimensional, I'm simply having difficulty connecting.
Additionally, with regards to the blood and needles in chapter four... please keep in mind that not all of your readers have steel-lined stomachs. I may be no stranger to blood, pain, etc. (comes with smithing and carpentry), but you two should be cautious about going into too much detail about that sort of thing. Readers always bring something of themselves into a story they are reading; that is to say, each reader's experience is unique based upon their past experiences. For instance, if you wrote about a car crash, and one of those reading about the car crash had actually been in such a situation, they would be reminded of their experience and bring that to the story. Same with blood and needles. Just take your readers into consideration when you write that sort of thing; I'm not suggesting that there are now various kids traumatized by being reminded of the fliud coursing through their veins, just that some of your readers might be more squeamish than others. *cough*Discordination/PonyofTacos*cough* (No offense meant to you guys)
In conclusion, what you do well, you do very well; as for what you do not-so-well... eh, just try not to go overboard in terms of emotional states and nonrepetition. :P Still, this has proven to be a fun and enjoyable read, despite its flaws. All I can say is that you both have a ways to go, though it is far less a distance than most. Keep writing, keep improving, and you'll prove to be fine writers.
...Also, I apologize for the novella-sized comment. :P
>>286360 Woah, thanks for your comment! If any deserves a reply, this one does.
Firstly, if you've been through the comments, you'll probably have seen a lot of people telling us to tone down the excessive descriptiveness when refereing to the characters. I thik Garuu mentioned this in a blog post, but I'll mention it here as well for those who don't follow him; we agree, it is a little bit excessive, and we're actually in the process right now of tweaking the wording of all four chapters so that it flows much more smoothly and doesn't avoid character names as much. We're also going to continue this trend in later chapters. The story itself won't change, so there's no need for a re-read.
As for the mention of Fluttershy's condition, that wasn't really intended as a large plotpoint in the story, and admittedly does seem a little strong and out of place. We've changed the wording on that bit to lessen the seriousness of it and to make it more as an incidental explaination as to why she uses her wings the way she does. We'll update it when we update the whole chapter.
Regarding the characterisation of Twilight; I can't really say much without giving too much away, but the mood is planned to shift out of the 'angst' end of the spectrum as the story progresses. Still, this is inended as a partially-sad stora, so we'll try to strike a balance between the mood the story calls for and avoiding making it annoying on the reader. Admittedly, these last two chapters may have been a bit heavy, but now that it's said and out the way, I think we can start to move forward. ![]()
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment!
Huh, just as I take the time to comment, I see that pretty much all the stuff I was going to mention have not only been said, but the authors are already on it. Awesome.
The only thing I have to add is that when using things like profession or eating habits to refer to a character, it might help to remain... I guess "topical" would be the best way to put it. Example:
"Hey, I'm kind of hungry. Should we go buy lunch at that salad bar over there?"
The lithovore simply shot her a tired glance in response
Seeing Fluttershy referred to as "Doctor" while she was hugging Twilight felt a slightly out of place. But only slightly.
Oh, and I almost forgot the part of the comment where I mention what I thought of the story!
This story is pretty great. Keep up the good work, you two.
>>286360 Whoaaaaaaaa. Wall of text. XD
Thanks for being intelligent and explaining exactly what the story's problems are, instead of being so blunt that I can't figure out how to fix them. And thank you SO much for not being a complete <insert curse word here> about it. =) I'm glad you like this story, despite its flaws. No story is entirely perfect. There's always something... We're just doing our best. Apparently our best is pretty damn good, so that's satisfactory for me.
Beige already said everything that I was going to say about your points. I love critics like you. You say what's wrong, you describe what's wrong, you tell us how to fix them, you suggest how to avoid them next time, and you're NOT a jerk about it. :D I'm sort of impressed that you typed all that up for our little story here. Apparently you really do like it, and you just want to see it get better.
Also, yeah, we're changing the wording of Fluttershy's "condition" and backing it up with some canon.
We're going to change the rating of this story to "Teen" because of some of the content: Like you said, not all of our readers have steel-lined stomachs. We're bent on realism here... and real creatures bleed when injured. And in real life, it usually ain't pretty. Thanks for the comment! It's a good feeling inside to know that we've spurred an excellent critic into reviewing our story, and he still generally likes it despite its flaws. I see praise AND critique in that giant comment. It's a sad truth that many people don't know that they go together -- when both are present, they massively compliment and strengthen eachother. If we're getting praise from a dude who knows what he's talking about, it makes us realize that we actually are doing good. If we're getting critique from a dude who we like, it makes their critique more effective.
Good show.
I hope to see you here for Chapter 5.
I had a look-see through the comments before I started writing mine out; I've found that it is a very good way to gauge what sort of critical methods I should use. Since I found that you were willing to recieve criticism, I gave you my wall of text. ^_^ I know I was restating what others had already said at some points, but I think it would have been disrespectful of me to leave out my feelings on the subject. However, I'm delighted to hear that you're working to improve in that regards, and I'm also appreciative of your recognition of the abnormality regarding Fluttershy's wings.
...And it's a relief to hear that this story won't have that level of angst throughout its course; as beautiful and touching as your descriptions of emotions are, they tend to overwhelm when the intensity is held at a constant, searing level. :P
Thank you very much for replying to my comment, and good luck on chapter five. ^_^
As for you, it was truly my pleasure, and I say that not only in regards to your writing, but in the critically receptive nature of both yourself and your partner. You have no idea how much I smiled when I read both of your responses to my review, and I can honestly say that it is writers like you two, who actively want to improve yourselves, that brighten my day. It is my self-given responsibility to attempt to the utmost to spur others to improve, and improvement can only come through the reception of feedback from others. Just stating that you have room to become better writers is not enough, and is disrespectful when not supported with evidence and suggested plans to alleviate your weaknesses. It is the utmost sign of respect for me to show you where you went wrong, but also how you might find a way around those wrongs in the future, and still enjoy the piece for its own merits. I could feel the effort the two of you put into this story, and while you claim to be doing your best, I look forward to the future chapters, where I know I will see the two of you out-doing your past selves, writing better than your present best. :)
I say again, it was my pleasure to review this work; I enjoyed it, and enjoyed the thoughts that it inspired. Changing the wording on Fluttershy's condition is an intelligent move if you're not planning to make particular use of that as a plot point, and upping the rating is something I can agree with. While you didn't go into explicit detail of what was occurring during the 'operation', the implied details and subtle hints were more than enough to warrant commenting on; when it gets to that point, changing the rating is a wise thing to do. Goodness only knows how many good authors have gotten themselves into trouble for lack of an appropriate rating. All things considered, though, I doubt that the rating change will have much of an effect on your reader base. Most of us are teenagers, and I'm also pretty sure that a lot of us are your average hot-blooded young men, so it won't discourage anyone from reading, if that's a major concern.
I like to think that I am a decent critic; I like to think that every review/comment I leave helps a writer to improve. I like to think a great many things about myself as a giver of constructive criticism. Constructive criticism isn't a difficult art to perfect; one merely has to recognize where a story can improve, and state it as such. What is difficult is to tell another person that they have room for improvement on a work into which they've poured their sweat and tears, creativity and laughter. It's like walking up to someone and saying, "You could be a better person, but you're not." I know that every comment I leave with negative aspects within has the capacity to hurt just as much as it can help. That is why my critique is tempered with encouragement, and disappointment at certain areas eased with gratitude for a writer (or writers, in your case) gaining the courage to press the "submit" button. A critic that leaves you with nothing but criticism and disappointment is not deserving of the title, nor the responsibility, because every word of criticism is a knife in your heart, and every word of encouragement a salve to heal your wounds.
Yes, I'll certainly be around for Chapter Five. ^_^ Good luck, to both of you~
>>289226 All of my internets to this man. Every last one. Especially the last line, which is a massive "I-k-r".
"A critic that leaves you with nothing but criticism and disappointment is not deserving of the title, nor the responsibility, because every word of criticism is a knife in your heart, and every word of encouragement a salve to heal your wounds."
I'm putting that on my profile page.
It's sooooooo true.
I hope you wont skip Twilight parents like most "Alicorness Twilight" writers do. They are her parents and if so important change in her life was made then they need to know about this. Shining Armor ( her cannon brother) And Princess Cadence are also options.
Bah... Shining Armor is only rumored to be Twilight's brother. Noone has confirmed that yet. Also, Princess Cadence blows. There are two Alicorn Goddesses. Now even the actual writers are making crappy "Random Stranger Alicorn shows up" fic? How horrible.
Faust was still around when they were designing Cadence, and she never intended for her to be an Alicorn.
Ah, my bad. I left this up overnight without refreshing, so I didn't see Gwenio's replies.
>>286360 I agree with what you say on the wording (after all, I didn't even know that the word lithovore existed, but that might be because I am from a country that isn't English talking), the blood thing (although i will admit that I hadn't realized it by then. I do agree to what you say), on the grammar thing as well (which is great and deserving of a book worthy mentioning
), and on the canon thing (although once again I will admit that I already kinda expected for them to use it as they wanted to. However the way you brought out the point was well done).. But may I comment on something? The fact that the reactions could be exaggerated is a bit of a confusing thing. For example, Rarity. She did get scared like there was no tomorrow but the fact is that she DOES concentrate a LOT on her dresees and her designs and stuff. Also she wasn't expecting anyone at that hour, let alone Twilight. All that can make someone return a bit to their most primal side of their head, even though it wasn't that bad. In this case, the part of self-protection. There is also the fact that she is worried about Twilight, but she also has her points of manners and such in any case, unless it was an extreme point to guard (example being the "Sisterhooves Social" chapter). And the fact that if one were to be intelligent enough, like Rarity, first thing that comes to mind when seeing somepony with wings AND horns is alicorn, and therefore, the princesses. However, she is also one of the integrants of the very good friendship between the mane six AND she is the most sensitive out of all ponies, only behind Fluttershy. And as for said pink-haired pony, the fact that she reacted like that is a bit confusing as well. True she does have the same thing as Rarity, but she was scared because of her nature of being scared out of her mind the moment something happens out of nowhere (she did react different than Rarity after all). As for her reaction to Twilight changing, I don't think it would be a sort of racism (or whatever you tried to convey. I don't want to make the mistake on saying the wrong thing). She does base her fear in the fact that with Twilight's new form, said purple pony might have to do something different in the future and that might be what is her real fear. But then again this is my opinion. I should ask Garuu or Beige about it. So yes, the feeling thing CAN get confusing if one were to analize all of it points. I don't know really which would be the best to start with, or which is the stronger/better out of the two. And also, the connecting to one character does relate more to fact of seeing yourself like that. The connecting involves into how well can you connect, pointing to how well the characters feelings and personality is written, however if you aren't a lot like that character then you don't need to connect to that character. But I may be seeing it the wrong way. Do correct me if I'm wrong. Last thing I need is to do a critique on someone else who did an excellent critique, and do it wrong (because you did quite the great critique/comment there my friend). Also, sorry if this does come out of freaking nowhere. I am just starting to comment on any story just about a week ago after reading on the internet for like 3 years, and I'm also posting on my first fic not too long ago. And I kinda wanted to add my own two cents in this
. Please, like I said before, do correct me if I'm wrong. With someone like you, I would like to hear what you think on my thoughts, if you don't mind that is. And like Beige and Garuu said. Keep on doing those long comments of yours. They really speak the truth and they DO help the writers to get better. I know if you did on mine I would!![]()
>>287351>>289265 It's about time I commented on your story guys. So allow me to go nuts. You...are...freaking...AWESOME! Got it?
Seriously though, you have conveyed angst, frustation, relief, story, and the in character personalities like a freaking boss! That was epic. You also enlarged my dictionary on English. Let's see if I can use them on someone who somewhat speaks English (I am and live in a non-English speaking country) and totally leave them in a "WTF?!" state
. Please do go on with your work. You are probably two of the best out there. In fact, may I ask both of you, have you ever written or thought of writing a book? If anything i wouldn't be surprised if you did wrote a book, or if you considered it. After all, the conveyance of feelings and following on the story (plus epic cliffhagers. You keep on rejoycing while we suffer from them
) is quite good. It would be epic if you applied this story (or something else out of your good minds) to a book. I would surely buy it
. That aside, I know for a fact that I WILL stay on the story until the end. Also yes Garuuspike (also sorry if shortening your names before angers you but is kinda long to do so
) i agree. Blacksmith Din deserves those internets for sure. As well as mine! I agree on the feelings with him on how the story makes me feel and on how good it is. Keep the chapters coming my good writers. Hope to see you on the next chapter!![]()
>>304769 @_@ Another long comment.... My poor malrested eyes... DX
Hey, I haven't told anyone about this quite yet, but I'm revamping all the chapters, again, to be more in-character, have more justification, and make more sense. Also I'm quadruple-checking them to make ABSOLUTELY SURE the grammar and flow is 100% perfect. There's actually more information in them now due to the former point. Yes, to the point of being worth a re-read. Still working on Chapter 2. Look at chapter 1's word count... it's longer. :D
Also, Beige and I are VERY VERY BUSY right now. I have stuff going on at school (it's the end of the quarter), and Beige probably has something similar. As a result, Chapter 5 is not progressing as fast as we would've liked. We're terribly sorry. ![]()
>>304849 Forgive me for ruining your eyes being a fanboy here. OH MY GOD You answered me EEEE!
. Okay, that aside, I should also say...NICEEEEEEE![]()
![]()
!. But don't go overboard on the grammar thing. After all to me it is the least of my problems, it is not something easy to do absolutely perfect, and it was pretty much perfect before soooooo...don't worry that much
. Also don't worry, I will soon read the things when you fully update them all at once to not have that same flow interrupted. or at the most least, I think that is the best way to do it.
. Also don't worry about the time. One, you guys rock, we can wait. Two, life is first and foremost unless you don't have it
. And three, you need to take your time, especially if you are making the longer previous chapters AND the new chapter altogether. Take your time if you both must. We will wait. After all i can go back now and work on my own story heh
. You take a lot of priority in my book of reading
. Hope to see you soon! Also please tell this to Beige if he didn't receive the previous message (if you want that is) cause I kinda screwed the reply thingy and sent it to you, Blacksmith Din, and I've preffered to remain anonymous when it was for Beige who i wanted to send it aside from you and Din (I need to stop shortening names without authorization
)
.
>>304881 Hey! I don't get notifications from comments on this story, so I tend to trawl the comments from time to time anyway. ![]()
Just... woah... Seriously, thanks for taking the time to write another crazy-long comment!
Firstly, just thanks for reading! Personally, I'm still reeling from the incredible reception this story has got! I know some people have said how the story is a bit OOC or over the top, but the entire story hinges on these early reactions, so we have to make them nice and satisfying. I've read a lot of fics in which the reactions you read for are dulled down and glazed over, even in actual publications, and it always just seemed a little disappointing, but at the same time, I think we've just about struck a balance. There's always a reason why a character reacts a way they do, and since the story trundles along at the pace it does, some of these will probably end up being revisited a few chapters down the line anyway, just to tie up loose ends. Admittedly, we've been a little heavy on poor Twilight recently, but that's the story. We're moving on now, so don't worry, everyone! ![]()
"I need to stop shortening names without authorization"
I officially authorise you to call me Beige Monkfish, Beige, Capt. Beigey-Pants, Oi You or Smeghead. Take your pick ![]()
And yeah, like Garuu says, C5 may take a little longer. Personally, I've been ridiculously bogged-down with college stuff, this last week with Industry Week, and I've honestly had no time for anything. Without exaggeration, last friday consisted of three hours of sleep, wake up for college at 6AM, get home from college at 8PM (Nottingham is a long way away), dinner, few minutes of telly and then bed. I've got several things to work on for college, I need to edit PK's audiobook and I need to get back to working on this. Right now, I feel like a slice of lemon wrapped around a large, gold brick. Still, it'll pass. I truly love this story, so hopefully I can get back to working on it soon.
Sorry for the delays, and thanks for sticking around, everyone!
My only thought on htis chapter is that you should start using simpler word choices, and centralize the terms you use to refer to characters. I think I counted 3 different words(including lithovore, what the heck?) to refer to "dragon".
I'll say this- I can feel the impact of 2 separate writers on the story- different wordings and writing styles that just don't seem quite right side by side. Still, very good fic, liking the direction it's taking(though I can't help but go TWILIGHT GET FLUTTERS AND RARITY TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR OTHER FRIENDS ARGH!) and enjoying the reading. +1 track!
>>346199
Already heard both of these, already explained them, scroll up. I shouldn't even be typing this comment.
If we used the names of the characters too much, it would be repetitive. This was a problem before, but we have fixed it now. We honestly don't know why you guys keep complaining.
And that one chapter sets all the angst for the entire story. You won't see it again. *Looks at the chapter number of your comment* Have you read Chapter 4? Because it's essentially a "Part Two" to chapter 3. And Chp5 is going to have a significantly brighter mood. That is, if we ever finish it.
Being told the same problem fifty times does not help us; it's just annoying.
No, really, it is. I do wonder if there's a point to continuing this, because 85% of the comments so far are about how the characters made them cringe and how we screwed up every imaginable thing. I could write two pages of ad misericordiam here about how writing is my only creative outlet because I can't fork up the $800 for a good media editing program (not to mention how long I've been writing), but I won't. I don't like looking at the comments. When we finish and upload a chapter, I don't look forward to the comments, I dread them. When I check FIMFiction for notifications, and I have one, I say to myself "Please don't be a comment. Please don't be a comment." and if I'm lucky, it's a track or something. But occasionally it is a comment, just like yours, and I groan. All good stories get comments about how people like it. This one does not. We only get comments about what is wrong with it, because, of course, nothing is right. Check out that Like/Dislike ratio... such a high rating for such a cringingly abhorrent story. Almost every comment we've gotten so far supports the idea that this project is just a giant waste of my time.
And I'm beginning to believe that it is. Well, back to lurking.
Thank you for your review. :)
Whoo, I finnally had some time to re-read the first two chapters (and to skim the third - no changes there eve if FF says there have been changes saved on 11th of March, right?), and I have to say: I like.![]()
I already liked the first version of those chapters, but the new one definately make them better. Not that they were bad before, but the additional insights into Twilights thoughts and the motives of her behaviour just add to the immersion and depth of the story. I especcially liked the reworked part at the boutique. The first, smaller refactoring of this part made it much more understandable, while the latest version adds more depth to the explanation given prior.
One thing I especcialy loved was the scene after Twilight returned home in chapter 2 - I do not know if this is a genuine hint or some sort of red herring, but the explicit mentioning of Twilight closing the window curtains only after stretching her wings leaves me waiting for someone to just step in and tell Twilight/Ponyville/the world that he/she was looking through this exact window at this exact time. And Twilight's probably not gonna like it.![]()
At one or two occasions, I missed your former wording, though. However, I cannot remember where this happened, so it is probably nothing really noteworthy or questionable. And while I do have the feeling that there are less descriptive nouns, they are still noticeable - however, I don't care. From time to time, I stumble upon one I find funny or particulary clever, and even though this might be distracting from the story sometimes, I do like it.![]()
Oh, and on the topic of comments:
Comments are a strange thing. Sometimes, stories I find mediocre or even bad get comments filled with praise and nothing else, and sometimes, good stories only get comments containing criticism.
Personnaly, I think he latter ones are the better. While making the author feel good, nothing but praise does not help anyone to evolve their writing skills and can even lead to a narrowed-down, misguided view of the authors own abilities (of course, something similar applies to negative-only-comments, as you are just demonstrating). I do not know if this a false impression only I have, but my impression is that are stories that just fall into some kind of strange valley, carved into the plane of attention. I like to think that these stories are written good enough to make most of those readers who comment on stories of lesser quality in order to help the author evolve not post any comments (because they think they do not need to help), while it already manages to attract the 'hardcore readers', renowned and feared for their excessive, painfully detailed criticism of everything they do not like. So, lack of (positive) comments might actually a good sign.
Of course, all of this could be nothing more than a false impression and idle speculation on my side. But when people come together and form a group - whether it is a digital or a real-life one - you can usually see all kind of strange stuff appear. Especcially on the internet. But I am pretty much rambling now, so I', going to cut it here and just say: I like your story, 399 other people do and comments on the internet are strange. So stop worryeng and give it some time. Once you are out of the valley - whether it is some sort of 'uncanny valley of writing' or a 'valley of Twilight being too angsty in some peoples opinion'(which you just left, judging from your own words) - things are probably going to look brighter.
Anyway, I am thrilled for chapter 5.![]()
(im not sure if i really should have this as a reply to the post im replying to, but these are my thought from reading that post and the one it replied to in turn)
i just have to say this (sorry! since you seem to not like to talk about it, although this is positive; so i really shouldn't be sorry
); i REALLY like that you use something other than the characters name most of the time, its easy to understand whom you're talking about but because you use a multitude of names for them it doesn't get repetitive, which is a big problem to overcome for many writers. its unusual but very good according to me.
and while i do think that twilight was freaking out to the point of almost being out of character (but we havent really seen her deal with something of this scale in the show; have we...); its understandable, i think you did great with capturing her situation; i mean, she goes totally psycho over a late report; and now her entire life is turned upside down in one giant leap. and it's only been 2 days now, its not like she has been freaking out over a whole week (although i actually dont have a problem picturing that). and now that she finds that one of her biggest fears (her friends looking at her differently) isnt really turning out how she feared it would (with shy comforting her and all) she is able to relax and think a little more happily; it makes perfect sense.
i haven't read most of the other comments but if you really don't get many positive comments to the story it's very sad. i cant actually find anything wrong with it myself (not even annoying spelling errors nor strange sentences), frankly i think that you've done an amazing job with the story and i really love it. i do hope that you will continue writing the story, i really do.
(since the story is a joint effort; everything i said is of course directed to both of you...even though i write like im talking to one person.
)
I'm liking where this is going. There's a ton of Twilight-is-suddenly-an-alicorn fanfics, but so few of them actually have promise. I actually found this one in the "People who liked this also liked..." section on another Suddenly-Alicorn-Twilight fanfic that just wasn't any good, lol. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!







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