The carnival arrives without warning. No announcements precede it, it is simply there, arriving with the bombastic overture of spells, contraptions, and performances, as intricate as they are spectacular.
It isn't long before ponyville- and it's heroines- become involved... and all too soon, things seem to look strange. A great number of patrons, none of which seem familiar even in Equestria... A sudden upheaval that could threaten not just the carnival, but anything beyond... And a power, something great and arcane and incredibly ancient, that sits at the center of it all...
Chapters (3)
Well, you can color me interested.
xf7.xanga.com/296e3753d2037276097892/m219996447.jpg
Bit of an awkward word choice there. I don't necessarily mind language that sends the reader to a dictionary in general, but right at the beginning of the very first sentence in the story could possibly really mess up the first impression for the reader. This paragraph also seems to mix past and present tense. This also happens in a couple of spots later on, but again, this is all the more inauspicious for being right at the start.
In general though, I like the prose. I'll say that it has so many misplaced or absent apostrophes and commas that pointing out individual instances would be a waste of time, but I'd say you hit a nice balance of floweriness overall, even if there are some bits that just go too far. (I don't think Trixie simply falling asleep warranted something as pretentious as "the blessed darkness swallowed everything," for instance.)
I really liked the pacing on this thing though. You have a scene to introduce us to Trixie's situation that goes on for exactly as long as it needs to to cover the basics and set the mood and then you move on. Slim's introduction also laid out the suspense very well, and then gradually pulled back on it. (Though, at least on my part, I never really felt that Trixie was in any danger either.) Where I think the pacing kind of flags is towards the end. I feel like the chapter went on for a little too long, with that last part of the train section feeling a bit like unnecessary busywork. Trixie setting off to an unknown destination there would already have been a good enough hook for the end of the first chapter.
Trixie is characterized decently and relatively subtly (though I'm not sure whether you meant to leave the question of where she was headed at the beginning completely unanswered) with her final line being especially great, but I would defer judgment on Slim for now except to say that he's odd/intriguing enough to hold interest. His character reflects the overall dreamy, somewhat playful, slightly disturbing atmosphere of the story and both of those come off well. I'm actually assuming much of what we see is weird for weirdness's sake and that you don't really intend on explaining much of what's going on in too much detail, but I'd say that's fine in this case.
The what? I tried to look over the preceding passages several times, but I still have no idea what purple pill you refer to. Did something go missing in editing, or am I literally blind? I'm not even being sarcastic here. I feel like I missed something.
Some kind of primate, eh? I really like this passage.
As I understand, curtsies are generally a female gesture. I've made the same mistake myself before being corrected.
I don't know if this turn of phrase is just a common variation of the original pick-up line or something you came up with yourself, but it stands out to me as good and memorable writing either way.
So to sum everything up - it's good. It's very effectively mysterious but could have used several proof-reads before going out. However, at this point, I don't really see why this story is a My Little Pony fanfic or why Trixie is the protagonist.
Interesting, You got my attention good sir!
Of cabbages and kings.