Equestria was in the midst of a vibrant golden age of culture and development, held together by the valiant efforts of the government and its tireless servants. When the heart of Equestria is torn from it, however, the shocked and forlorn ponies of the land must find a way to persevere in an ever-changing world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Premise is done to death, and it seems to rush into things too fast. Perhaps you would have been better off making chapter one the train scene, as a prologue? Would have set the mood and tone excellently. As is, this is just another "Celestia dies uselessly in chapter one" fanfic, and my interest is about zero.
I will give you props, though, for killing her in a unique way. Not a cliche assasination, but an aneurysm. At least, I hope it's something interesting like an aneurysm. If it's an assassination you lost me. That's been done to death and rarely ever well.
Don't stop writing though. It's trial and error.
1975651 I will agree with you on the old premise and rushing, and no, it was not assassination.
This is really just an exercise on my writing skills; I'm not much of a writer, and I wish to improve. On that vein, I thank you for taking the time to legitimately criticize my work and for not simply being a giant squid of anger, flinging at me hateful yet ultimately unhelpful comments.
I will do my best to work on curbing my tendency to rush through a story, and I will try to think of more interesting premises in the future.
Yes, rushing is the issue here, I think. Some more detail would have been nice. Killing off Celestia in under 2,000 words does come off as rather quick. I agree with That_one_guy about the cause of death being somewhat original, but it was very quick. Draw it out a bit. There's also the point that this should probably be sad. I may be more soulless than most but I didn't bat an eyelid.
For your next chapter, try extending things a bit. Describe things a bit more (though don't fall prey to the trap of purple prose).
And this. Definitely this. You'll definitely improve, particularly with your positive attitude. Consider getting a proofreader, there are plenty of groups you can join for that.
+1 for effort, some originality and taking criticism well.
1976077
Perhaps a better approach, then, would be to have Celestia as an important, integral character. Show us her darkest fears, her deepest ambitions, her simplest dreams, the very depth of her kindness and wisdom. Make us care about her... Then take her away. Kill her before she even hits the ground, preventing anypony who loves her even the simple luxury of saying goodbye. And for absolutely no reason at all. The greatest pony with the most beautiful heart, felled by an unforeseen condition, suddenly and brutally.
That would be tragic.