Just a 13 year old unleashing his curiousity of ponies and making fanfics of ponies. Possible clops :3
This is my first story attempting a crossover. Please, constructive criticism only. Please favorite this if you like it. This will probably be short due to the fact that I'm in school and will have absolutely no time to write.
Two assassins, one known to many as cross eyed (derpy) and the other known as stealthy (AJ), set out on a mission in a 15th century ponyville to assassinate anything/ anypony who stands in their way.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'll admit, i didn't read it because it looks like just a massive wall of text. edit it and put some spacing in there.
Fixed. My apologies for that.
1948775 Ok, now I can really say it's been edited. Take a look at it now. Sorry for the inconvienence.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Two other mistakes aside, write out numbers. It looks more professional and you'll have fewer people thinking that you're lazy.
EVERY time you have a new speaker you need to start a new paragraph. Also, don't rape the shift + 1 combo (exclamation points). You only need one.
Is it a proper noun or not? Make up your mind.
Run your stories through MS Word before posting them here in the future. That or do Google Chrome + Google Drive document.
The description is greatly lacking. Nothing personal, but this is a rather boring read and I'm getting sleepy.
Don't change tense midway through the story. If you start with past (sighed), then don't change it to present (sighs).
If Taken didn't tell you to give each speaker their own paragraph then fire them and find someone better.
You need to work on describing events, doing a better job at using the "Show, don't tell." rule.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell.
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You should really work on your editing before you upload. This would be absolutely covered in red ink if icould physically get my hands on a copy, and I weren't so lazy.
1959452
Ok, I revised what you asked me to, and just for future reference, MyOwnNameWasTaken isn't an official editor, and I haven't "hired" one yet, nor do I plan on it. He simply offered to do this chapter and I let him do so.
I can see that there is alot of promise in this story, keep up the good work!