Cute Fluttershy being cute.
See?! This is what I meant, dude! "Meaningful, passionate sex" doesn't mean "boring, vanilla missionary position sex."
True, this one didn't have the sweating, the grunting, thrusting, "unf-ing" that you usually have, but the feelings between the two, the passion, made it immensely hot.
But you just keep writing what you want, dude. Lovey-dovey, angry and bitter, plain and vanilla, or raunchy and kinky. Darf is darf.
Hey, it actually was classy for once. Good job Darf!
excellent. minor thing, wrings. Find it, and fix it
thanks for spotting that
i was as tired as fuck when i wrote this, and just finished the editing a little while ago, so i appreciate you pointing it out
>>19375031937503 Dude do you ever sleep?
Your 25k word megaton will be after some light carpet bombing, I assume. I am okay with this.
Storywise, however...meh. It was short, with no plot or development, explanation, or anything really. Just an intimate afternoon with a pretty yellow pegasus, exactly what was in the description. And I found it about as interesting as that description.
I'll be blunt - this was boring, generic and dull, the only upside being that this was a well-written story, to use the word story pretty lightly. I can tell you were tired as fuck writing this, I felt tired reading it. Still, you normally barf up great clop, so maybe you've spoiled me. But for now, I'm gonna pretend this never happened, maybe read it again later and see what I'm missing, cause everyone else seems to love it.
Hey, now that was a sweet story! Have a moustache!
>>19376281937628 I do. Sometimes.
Oh great another second person story.
A Fluttershy dry hump.... MMMMMMMM.
Wish this wasn't a oneshot, but damn, this was nice.
ocean-waves and sparkles of starlight woven together.
This was a beautiful line, man.
Can we just have a separate box specifically for darf fan-fictions?
Am I lying when I say every single one of his fan-fictions has been featured?
Check list of MUST READ NAO!!!!!!!!1!!:
But darf fic. Hmmmm.....SO CONFLICTED!!!
>>19382911938291 Well, he is an amazingly good writer. I have read some of his works, and I can safely say they are pristine. It's just some of his, preferences I don't enjoy much. But the skill is definitely there. He deserves features for the most part. It's just sort of a bi-product that most of the stuff he writes is porn. But sadly, in the state of fiction right now, he probably would not make featured with anything not-porn, even though he is a great writer. There just doesn't seem to be a draw to anything nice anymore. To get something not-porn to the box, you have to be one lucky son of a bitch or have 600+ followers.
by god... this may be the single most erotic piece of literature I have ever read.
To quote the black eyed peas "I've got a feeling that tonight I'm going to buck
Or do vampires. That always works.
>>19387041938704 Or that.
Or do vampires and sex and then you'll blow the top of the featured box right off and take over the web browser bar.
to both these points, only a couple of my stories have been featured. this one, the one i posted yesterday (before it was vote-bombed into oblivion), and two of my other stories... i've written a ton of stuff that hasn't tickled people's fancy enough to gild the illustrious corners of the featured box
it is nice to see i can occasionally churn out something people like though
i'll also say that i tried hard not to put too much objectionable content in this one. i even had to debate over whether the 'sex' tag was warranted, because nothing penetrative, or even involving the description of sexual parts happens... it's kind of my homage to bss
but yeah, anyway
i forgot what the point of what i was saying was
i knew just from the photo that this was going to be clop.
Or do Dennis the Menace goes to Equestria.
The movie character, not you. Silly.
>Irrelevant comment reply
So, let's begin: Very good on making it on the rim of toppling into the bowl of sex, but not quite. I enjoyed how you didn't just have Fluttershy start sucking him off and screwing him straight to the moon. Yes, I know it's a 'you' fic, but I'll just say 'him'.
Now then, let's see if I had a few problems with the fiction...
Ah, yes... How the hell are they in a relationship? Sure, it's a one shot, but, where's the story? Seems like mindless hip-grinding to me. I enjoy fictions like this, I do, but I also enjoy it further if I have a bit of story to how they were together. A simple three paragraph thing can sort that out. Alongside that, it seems you let on the fact Fluttershy wanted to 'do' something with him for a while, but you weren't spilling it out. That's usually a good thing, but it kept dragging on to the point where I was like "What the hell are you doing?"
Now, I believe there was one more thing... Ah, yes. The obvious foreshadowing. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be subtle, or maybe it was just to give the illusion of him being with Fluttershy for a long time, but it was quite obvious at the end there. I like it when it's subtle and hard to point out. Like Shakespeare, you have to analyze it over and over.
Also, I believe there was a phrase error in there somewhere... Oh, right, one at the beginning:
You can feel the sun-rays through the curtains.
It's like this was a piece of a sentence, but never finished. Were you aiming for "The sun's rays were beaming through the curtains, upon your body, nearby. The warmth of it contacted through the the pristine pink fabric..." and just continue from there. It's an odd little piece just jutting out like a halo on a demon. Unnatural, really.
The bedroom is upstairs and down the hall, past lacquered wooden walls that shimmer as the sun cascades over them through the windows.
Care to tell me it's also located at an acute angle of 45 degrees adjacent to the picture frame that is made of material carved from the finest of Yew trees in Equestria?
Sorry, but my editors themselves tell me too much detail is, as Pinkie states: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR-IIIIING!~~ "
Now, of course I saw you wrote this at like, 4 in the morning. Errors are riddled. But, that's a bit too extensive for me.
She giggles as the sensation tickles her sensitive snout,
When'd you become Omniscient? I know he was assuming, but that just stuck out for me.
Fluttershy leans forward and buries her face in your shoulder again, this time clenching her teeth around the first exposed bit of skin she can find and biting down hard.
Cannibalistic Fluttershy is on the loose? Well, I knew what you meant. The pleasure was so good, she was trying to hold herself back. But, she's basically ripping his flesh apart right now.
She bobs her head up and down, and gives her verbal assent by way of an adorable sounding squeak that you suppose must translate to 'yes'.
Run-on. Sounds awkward and boring. I would rephrase it as this: "She nods, and gives you an adorable sounding squeak, that translates to a 'yes'."
small of your back and pulling you close.
Small of my back? You mean my lower back, right? Sorry, was confusing for me.
letting the warmth of your two bodies wind together,
Wind? Bind sounds better. I know what you mean, but bind just seems to work better here.
And, that's all I can find.
Overall, this was amazing. Glad you deviated quite a ways away from clop, but still keeping that sexual feel. Take this critique however you wish. It's supposed to be harsh, but to help you out. I've received millions from my editors telling me I'm shit (Kidding, they just tell me I need to improve).
Hopefully nobody tries to freak out on me. Usually seems to happen when I do this. Keep writing!
not quite sure what to make of this...
i think the reason people might take issue with that type of critique is because a lot of the 'corrections' you offered are objectively incorrect or less aesthetically pleasant. one of your examples of a change is in fact a comma splice;
"She nods, and gives you an adorable sounding squeak, that translates to a 'yes'."
that said, i appreciate the feedback, and am always happy to take into mind the thoughts of anyone interested enough to offer them. glad you enjoyed the story, in any case.
Well, I gotta add two cents into a jar somewhere!
I await more fictions from you, none-the-less. You're a great author.
So, now that I've had a chance to read this, I have to say, a bit of a change from some of your more recent stuff. Not stylistically, of course, more the subject matter than anything. Plus, adorable Fluttershy being adorable is always a win in my book.
Exactly it was like reading what these things should have been about, love. I felt geniune love in this story and it was inspiring.
I love how sensual the story is. It's absurdly cute.
>>19386521938652 You must not have read much of it. This seems pretty soft-core.
Or maybe I spend too much time on this website.
I haven't been outside in three days
Ordinarily I wouldn't admit to reading this sort of thing but... Wow.
This was arousingly a-d'awww-able. If that makes any sense.
very sexy and cute and awwe
Shouldn't have been a one-shot.
...Thats impressive. Nicely done.
very well done, more plz
I disagree. In the last few weeks, there has been quite a lot of non-porn stuff in the feature box (and a lot of clop too, can't deny that). However, the stuff that does get featured is mostly one of these (in no order): 1) Clop 2) Comedy/sad/shipping oneshots 3) Sequels/side-stories to the most well-known universes.
That's just how featuring works: stuff that is the easiest to consume and enjoy gets there, especially if it's made by someone who has a lot of followers. Also the already established universes are generally more interesting than new ones, minus oneshots that people seem to enjoy a lot.
Cute. As. Fuck.
>>19387041938704 except for Rarity being a vampire. Honestly I thought that one had promise, but it missed the feature.
Pretty story ^^ sweet too
>>19417821941782Well of course there has. You are taking me waaaaay too literally.
I'm usually full of several emotions when I've finished reading one of your stories. 'Warm, fuzzy and grinning like an idiot' were not among them, until now. Nice job.
Chapter 1 is the only chapter, so why call it chapter 1?
Anyways, it was a nice and fuzzy story, if that adjective makes any sense to use here.
OH GOOD. OH GREAT. LET'S ALL FUCK PONIES. WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?! HUMANS ARE LAAAAME. I MEAN AIDSAREBAD REIDMARYKATEANDASHLEYDID FIBJIEJSOWJSIIRJBF! *unintelligible babbling*
Not into Fluttershy, but I'll read it anyway!
Barely half my size? Was expecting her to be able to stand on two hooves and be atleast a foot taller than me... now it's like having sex with a midget.... it's kinda wierd... not that I would know!
You're lucky that i'm starting fall asleep otherwise I would be angry that this story just cuts off in the middle of stuff going on.
"You weren't sure what the fabric was made out of, but a single touch had assured you it was the right choice. It felt softer than the lightest down on a baby bunny's tummy."
I've never heard of bunnies that had down and feathers. Do they have wings too? Does that make them "angel bunnies"?
wow darf you outdid yourself. this is fanfiction gold right here, so cute and cuddly.
wow. I never thought a story like this could keep me from rolling my eyes over the content.
You're good, you're really good for making such a warm and lovely story out of this material....
As soon as Fluttershy came in, I could not stop my mouth from smiling.
Your descriptions of well...everything is superb; You played on all of our senses to describe all of the events in perfect detail. Great chapter/story(it says complete but the title of this chapter is "chapter 1"), Even though there was not much dialogue, I do not think this needed any. I hope to see more stories like this soon; I know that may not happen, depending on what you plan to write next, but it is nice to hope for such things. It certainly seemed like a change of pace from some of your other stories.
Thank you for taking your time to entertain us with your wonderful(and quite often smutty) writings.
A truley great fic.