Envy and Arrogance

by Mindblower

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

*******

The Royal Garden was probably the only part of Canterlot that was spared from the Daymare’s wrath. That was for a very specific reason; a reason that a pony, with a white cloak over her head and a smug grin on her face, was about to illustrate in full splendor.

The pony walked up to a particular statue. It was of a creature that looked as though its body parts had all been taken from various animals and sewn together haphazardly. The creature had a horse-like head with both a deer antler and a goat horn, one fang and a small beard hanging off its chin. His four appendages were an eagle’s talon, a lizard’s leg, a goat’s leg, and a lion’s paw. He had a snake’s tail, a dragon’s wing, and a black pegasus’s wing.

It was a draconequus, and one that was posed very theatrically, as if it were singing an opera solo in front of a grand audience.

The pony walked up and touched the statue’s base. It glowed, and cracks started to appear along the statue, spreading up its chest and to its now glowing eyes. Slowly, as the statue shed what appeared to be only an outer layer of stone, the original being revealed itself from underneath.

The creature stretched and yawned. “Five thousand years…” he said, “will give you such a crick in the neck!” The surrounding space seemed to warp and twist for a moment before returning to its natural state.

The pony smiled. “It’s been a long time, Discord. I trust you are well?”

The draconequus, Discord, scowled. “Yes, because plaster is so wonderful for the skin. You left me here for eons, Mistress, how do you think I feel?”

The pony, Mistress, laughed, though her laugh was sharp and biting. “I think you feel spectacular, what with the calcium carbonate laced into your pelt. Do not take me for a fool, Discord. I know exactly how your nerves are generating emotions at present, and I also know what you’re capable of... provided you do not let those trivial chemicals interfere.”

“You want me to mess around with those Elements again, don’t you? Because I hardly believe you’d release me simply to discuss the weather,” Discord sneered. A plum emerged from of a nearby daisy, and Discord popped it between his jaws. Swallowing, he said, “I know your game, my lady. I have played it myself, and it is not a game I usually win.”

“Well, the odds are quite with me, true,” Mistress admitted, “but my games, you see, are not things that simply end and begin.”

“I am aware,” Discord said. “You shouldn’t take me for a fool, either. What’s your proof that we aren’t destined to lose, however? How do I know that this ‘grander scheme’ is the horse’s bray like you say it is?”

“Because I know exactly how the Elements process data, and I shall use that to my advantage as I take them down one by one,” Mistress smirked.

“Oh, yes, your typical thing, right?” Discord folded his arms. “Give me a break. So you gave the Elements some boo-boos. Big deal! They always come right back and ruin all the fun.”

“But…” Mistress said, “what if they don’t come back...?”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Alright, fine. How in Equestria do you plan to turn that fantasy into the glorious reality you see in that pretty head of yours?”

“It’s actually quite simple, really,” Mistress grinned.

Continue the adventure:
Guilt and Hate

=====================================================================

[Note]: I do not own anything in this story that already belongs to someone else.
This entire storyline takes place BEFORE season two, but AFTER season one.
Thank you all for reading! Let me know what you think of the story in a comment or a private message. I'll be sure to respond! And above all, have a pleasant day.

Comments

[Starcat5]

Oh.

My.

Faust!

[Misplaced Modifier]

Now I can't wait till march 10th...
I wanna read it now!

[King Trollestia]

Time, Y U NO go faster to march 10th?!

[CluelessDetective]

HOLY...... I LOVE YOU FOR POSTING THIS!!!!

[Lars]

Elements of Discord. King Discord, father of both original sets of Elements. And now, DisQord as we know and love/hate him.

TOO MANY DISCORDS.
The chaos has been TRIPLED. Now you've got my attention. (Not that you didn't have it before.)

[insightguy]

AAAAAAAAhhhh crap........................... this won't end well.

[Lihranka]

*insert dramatic sound effect here*

This was necessary.

[Whoovesian]

Well then. This certainly doesn't bode well.

Dang. Now March 10th will never come quick enough.
*Shakes fist angrily*

[Jahk Observas]

I am ready for this.
RIP Applebloom

[AscendedWings]

Hmm, yes...time to serve up some excellent chaos muahahaha!!! Dammit they need a Discord emoticon... close enough lol

[Jirodyne]

Keep the Elements in a time-stasis lock, keep the current barriers, or at least one, locked away in a time-lock. There are quite a few ways to keep someone alive but not active, rendering the elements useless.

[Denial]

Trippy to actually see the illustration in with the text...

[Keeria]

Initial Thoughts
I'll admit I started reading this story with some skepticism. Despite the author's friendliness and the loads of good reviews, the fact that this was a twenty-chapter epic about the battle between good and evil starring ponies, not to mention fan-fiction, left me unsure to begin with. Most pony fiction is shorter or less epic, or takes place in a version of Ponyville that isn't a sort of Hell-on-Equestria. I'm fairly new as a brony and even newer to pony fan-fiction, so overall I just wasn't sure how to feel about this sort of thing. But I gave it a chance because, hey, it sounded interesting.

The Music
The first thing I should point out is the music. I find it hard to concentrate on reading with almost any background noise, and so at first I was turned off by the idea. Most of the music is lifted from Kingdom Hearts, a video game franchise with which I am intimately familiar. This was initially another point down in my mind, if only because the scene would be talking about Twilight fighting some villainous character, while in my mind I'd have Sora versus Organization XIII going on. I kept at it though, since the music was a part of this story and I wanted to ensure I was getting the whole experience. Over time it grew on me, and I daresay it was used well throughout.

The Void
After an introduction featuring a character I didn't know meandering about a tower I'd never heard of, I was finally treated to Twilight waking up to an average day in Ponyville. Naturally though, this didn't last long, and by the end of the first chapter all of the Mane 6 were whisked away to some alternate dimension. A dimension, I might add, which felt very inspired by certain sections of the Kingdom Hearts games, rife with islands floating amidst a sea of nothing, chaotic landscapes that constantly shift around themselves, and ruined castle-like structures with odd stained-glass mosaics.

Verba
New character Verba was added to the list of ponies I didn't quite know enough to trust yet; his speech and mannerisms seemed based on a certain Nobody any Kingdom Hearts fan is likely familiar with..."Got it memorized?" Much like Axel, he started off antagonistic and became less so the more we got to know him.

Descriptions
At this point, I'd like to discuss the descriptiveness to be found here. While the author was not going out of his way to describe in lengthy detail every environment the characters cross through, things that we should be curious about were usually given adequate and often even vivid detail. The time spent reading about the group's journey through this strange void-like world was about half spent merely reading descriptions of the place. Verba himself was also described well, and is physically one of the more interesting characters I've met in a while. This trend of sufficient description continues for most of the story, while never becoming excessive.

The Trials
During these introductory chapters, each member of the Mane 6 undertook a test of character. For the most part they were reasonable, but a few things struck me as strange. First of all, the trials were very abstract. It actually took a bit of thought to figure out how a test related to the Element it was scrutinizing. And Rarity's was downright unfair. Her reward for being too discerning to fall for a mind-screw? Instant failure. Her test seriously boiled down to "Admit your inadequacy or suffer." Just like that, as an actual choice given to her in conversation. That wasn't a test of character so much as it was a choice between a wrong answer and a more perilous wrong answer. But I suppose I digress.

The Real Ponyville
About a quarter of the way through the story, we were finally returned to Equestria. The lengthy introduction was over and the story was able to start proper. Immediately I noticed that the descriptions were being kept up--this wasn't the Ponyville we all know, and we really did need it to be described again. We were at last reintroduced to some of my favorite secondary characters, and a story about survival began. We also met our third, fourth and fifth original characters: Saphira, Lorey and Lyvia.

The Sub-villain Trio
These three characters are interesting to me. They form a subgroup of villains among the "evil" side of the cast. The three stick together like family and each seem to be suffering their own problems as they go about their tasks, aiding the central antagonists in whatever ways they were ordered to. Instead of being painted as wholly evil, these villains were given true character. All three of them had at least some small amount of good to them. It was unfortunate that I was correct when I predicted that this was going to be played to make it all the more heartrending when they were killed off. Nevertheless, I enjoyed their interactions thoroughly, not only amongst one another, but also (and in Saphira's case especially) with the main cast.

This Story is Dark
This is not a happy story by any stretch. Tragedy befalls just about everyone, often several times. The heroes make mistakes and the villains actually manage to win the occasional confrontation. The story has a constant sense of urgency, always reminding you that there's no time to stop and take a breather, we have to remain on the move before the forces of darkness come bearing down upon us and all hope is eternally lost. This isn't entirely a bad thing, but I do think I'd have liked at least one happy chapter somewhere. The entire work has this morose feel about it; even the happiest moments come with a dose of "Don't smile yet, we're not even close to being through this."

This Story is Sad
The only times the mood really changes from urgent is when we're supposed to feel sad. There is so much sadness in this story it's unbelievable. This is likely due to the fact that as fans of MLP, we are already attached to these characters. Someone you like in the show doesn't really have to be around for very long in this story for their death to still have a huge impact on the reader. In fact, several deaths (and side-character occurrences in general) seemed to be based on the fact that those characters are popular within the brony community. Normally this would strike me as lazy, but due to the quality of the writing and the fact that OC deaths are nearly just as depressing, I don't think it was unacceptably cheap. That doesn't change the fact that there is a lot of death in this story. This is definitely not for those easily bothered by such things.

Olly
Around the midpoint, we meet our final original character who isn't a central antagonist...yet. Oh Olly, I'm not even sure where to start with you. This character is first encountered being thrown into a prison being kept by a pair of evil deities known for taking no prisoners. While sparing the heroes makes sense for the villains' goals, sparing Olly did not. Adding to this oddity his unusually chipper attitude for a colt likely on his way to the glue factory, and his convenient case of amnesia, I was immediately suspicious. To the end of the story I still never trusted him, despite (or possibly in part due to) the fact that the rest of the entire cast was immediately buddy-buddy with him. Despite being with the group for most of the story, he is conspicuously absent during several crucial scenes, makes only fleeting contributions to the group's success (okay, attacking Lyvia in Fillydephia won him some points with me, but not enough), and seemed quite taken with the water of a fountain known for its ability to turn mundane ponies into abominations of nigh-unlimited power. Unfortunately, nothing important ever happens to justify my suspicion, and as a result I found myself disliking a character it felt as though I was being begged to like, for almost entirely baseless reasons. Perhaps it's just the product of my tendency to read too much into things, but I just couldn't make myself see him as an ally.

The Fountain
While I may or may not have been wrong about Olly (time will tell as sequels are released), this brings me to another bit of the story that bothered me: the fountain itself. Stories of this nature always tend to feature at least one Artifact of Incredible Power that No Sane Character Would Invent or Keep Around. And it really does seem like a mostly evil artifact. The water in this fountain will turn nearly anypony who drinks from it into a nigh-unstoppable evil deity. Getting the fountain to produce a good deity requires so much effort, while producing evil is so easy, despite it being powered by the good in Queen Harmony's heart. It makes me wonder why (or how) she would even create such a thing. Hopefully this gets cleared up later, because justifying this fountain should be about as difficult as justifying the invention of the nuclear warhead, and I'm finding it difficult to swallow as is.

Cutie Marks
One more minor issue: cutie marks in this story seem to function very differently than they do in canon. While on the show a cutie mark is an outward representation of what has made a pony truly special all along, here they're closer to unlocked superpowers. Instead of a representation of growing up and discovering who you were meant to be (and also as a pretty decent metaphor for puberty), they're latent abilities that seem almost magical in nature. I was willing to put that aside and enjoy the story anyhow, but it was still something that caught my attention.

Villains Done Right
Despite those gripes, this was overall a very well-constructed story. The writing was solid, the description vivid, the ponies were (almost) always in character, and the plot twists were, while predictable, fun to say the least. The villains seemed like your standard League of Evil fare, always hanging about a palace hall and plotting, aware and proud of the fact that they are evil. They don't think they're doing the right thing, there's no justification to their actions, they're just Evil. End of story. But sometimes, on rare occasion, that kind of character can actually be well-executed. I didn't mind the Daymare or Envy as much as I normally would such a proud-to-be-evil duo, in part because they weren't stupid. Most villains are idiots, even the alleged "genius" overthinkers and gambit-plotters; it's nice to see some competent evil for once.

In Closing
This has been a long and meandering review, and I think it's about time I wrap it up. This is definitely the lengthiest story I've reviewed since I started visiting this site a week ago, and I wasn't really sure how to tackle such a gigantic package. Seriously, with eighty thousand words it's no exaggeration to say that you wrote an actual My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic novel--and the astonishing thing was that it was actually good! Overall, I'm glad I read it. I think the author did an outstanding job for the most part, and save for a few gripes it was a great ride. This is definitely worthy of my favorites list, and it has earned a thumbs up from me. I can't wait to jump into the sequel and be a part of the group following this story serially.

[Domonic,clide,crevon]

Ben meaning to read but friends and i are makeing story 800 miles away kinda hard just lots of calling thisis the only time i can read but any time is a good time right sry if this is realy long new at comments

[Jack Ass Knife]

Olly is a bad-guy. >:3

[T6J2E5]

I bloody almost wet myself at the end of Chapter 8. Don't do that to me!

Great... Now I'm not going to get any sleep tonight. I have to finish this story!

[T6J2E5]

But... But Apple Bloom... She's not coming back... is she?

It's one thing to be killed in battle. But poor Apple Bloom didn't even get a chance. She was taken down by the flu. The Mane 6 were gone for three years, and they came back less than one week late to save Apple Bloom?

deviantart.com/download/199720265/apple_bloom_is_sad_by_dancinninjac-d3awp55.png

[Csquared08]

Well, you have yourself a solid first third of the story here. Well done, sir

[YourPrivateNightmare]

Wow...just...wow...Words can't express what's going on inside my brain after reading this story...Now, let's go for the sequel, WOOHOOOOooo!

[Fidelis]

“Five thousand years…” he said, “will give you such a crick in the neck!”

I see what you did there.

[deathtap]

Well written, identifiable characters, bone chilling moments, and dark.
Good job. You've earned that green thumb.

[Dante Kami]

[Traintrax]

*claps slowly*

Bravo, good sir. Bravo. I admit defeat and recognize you to be one hell of a story teller. You actually got me to shed a tear at the part with applebloom dying. So again I say bravo, my good sir. Bravo.

Now, I'm off to read your sequel.

[Twisted but true]

I HAVE NOT READ THE SEQUAL YET! But I have a predictio. Olly is Deception.