• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 14th, 2015

Goodbye


E

What if the tale, so beloved, of Hearths Warming Eve never occured. What if all six ponies perished from the cold blows dealt by the Windigos? What if the three types of ponies never grew close, never worked together. What if they remained divided throughout the ages.

When Twilight is summoned by Princess Celestia to Canterlot she found something to answer those very questions.

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Comments ( 4 )
Eep

First things first, you really got the sound of the pony dialogue down! I always knew exactly who was speaking, even when they weren't identified.

On to some spelling mistakes:

I knew they weren't just worried about the worrying letter, they were worried about me.

ignoring the muttering he thought I couldn't hear.

I figured if it was such a small problem

In an attempt to get out of here I whispered a dangerous plan to two of my companions, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.

braking - breaking.

The foof us...?

I felt as if a thick cloud of fog

I don't know what 'desieged' is...

Even without auto correct, some of these were pretty obvious. I would suggest writing them in something with a spell checker, it really interrupts the flow of the story when I'm trying to figure out what a 'foof' is.

I'm not really sure why Princess Celestia and Princess Luna would send for Twilight and her friends for silly things, as the ticket seller said. It doesn't make much sense for a Princess who had ruled for a thousand years by herself to call for help when she spills her tea. When I realised that Twilight ran out of the library actually *wearing her element tiara*, I expected that the ponies who saw her would start to panic. There's only one reason that the elements would be worn, and that is if there is a huge danger threatening Equestria. I can't see the ticket seller being flippant about it, unless they had been called for ridiculous reasons before. And I can't see Princess Celestia calling them for ridiculous reasons.

Princess Luna, on the other hand, might have. Perhaps she was the one who sent a letter to Spike, which Twilight thought was a cry for the Elements, when it really wasn't? That could be funny, with the blame on both Twilight and Princess Luna. I'm sure the rest of her friends would really tease her for that.

Saying that something is outside of Twilight's nature doesn't actually mean that she's going to go and come on to a guy. If she is, I would think that she would perhaps say something slightly less forward. Twilight running her hoof down his armour? That is really, really out of character. Maybe if this was set a few years in the future? It feels like that would need to be established. Twilight specifically hasn't shown any real inclination towards finding a colt-friend, so I'm not sure why she would decide to 'play' with the new guard like this.

I thought she was going to use her knowledge of the palace and the guard rules to tease him about being obviously new, what with his mane showing and all. The scene, as written, doesn't really advance the story since none of her friends saw her acting that way, and she didn't have to explain herself.

The beginning description of Twilight's reaction might be a bit... Much... For Twilight. She uses fancy words, but I don't remember her ever really waxing poetic about everything.

It's interesting that the Elements would be targeted specifically, I wonder if they'll work in the new dimension? I also wonder where Princess Celestia is. I guess she and Princess Luna might not be there, if the windigos had never been overcome.

Comment posted by Goodbye deleted Jan 14th, 2013

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This was written on a rather small touch screen and the beginning of it was written on my phone. And let me just say autocorrect can have some pretty interesting ideas. It has changed recipe to exile on me before. If I can get onto a computer today I will try to edit the misspellings, however my computer broke on Friday. As to Celestia calling them for little things I was trying to be funny. With the guard that was just plain old no sleep at that point. Might cut it later. Some of the mistakes looking back, I found a few more, often had to due with being unfamiliar with the keyboard on this thing.

Oh and the reason there's a deleted comment is the edit button wasn't showing on the touchscreen. Nor was the reply button showing.