A freak accident leaves Applejack and Rarity trapped under a rock slide. Both will be changed forever, but in different ways.
Edited by Kitsunehero.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 14th, 2015
ugugg93
I'm a random guy that claims to know how to write. I'm constantly being proven wrong.
ugugg93
Joined 7th Dec, 2011 ·
Offline
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Synopsis has sufficiently captured my attention. Proceeding to read now.
It's actually a fairly decent piece, but the prose is a bit awkward in places and, to me, there's not enough development to really get emotionally invested in the piece. For example, I think that an extra scene in the beginning showing the confrontation, an attempted escape, etc. would be a strong addition. I think a follow-up chapter showing Rarity's struggles and her acceptance or lack thereof would also help readers get more involved. Additionally, it's not entirely clear how Applejack's been changed by this event as per your synopsis. Rarity's change is crystal clear, but I can't figure out what Applejack's change is.
That being said, here is a not-comprehensive list of errors that I noticed:
1. "...sending a serious of hacks..." - serious should be series
2. "...brought forth illumination to the tiny space." - this sounds awkward to me. Why not just "...illuminated the tiny space"?
3. "Applejack's grinned wider." - this needs to be either "Applejack's grin widened" or "Applejack grinned more widely"
4. "It was then that light at the tip of Rarity's horn began to slowly fade away." - this would flow better with a "the" inserted between "that" and "light."
5. "So Applejack stayed, and merely awaited for the tapping..." - grammatically, "await for" isn't correct. As an example, consider "We awaited her arrival"
6. "All around her, she the bright light" - don't need "she" in here
7. "even the various machines and her bed was white" - and makes a compound subject which should take a plural form of the verb (was -> were)
8. "From there, those fears fell upon the bright orange coat of Applejack, and would remain there for some time to come as they soaked into the hair they fell upon." - if they are soaking Applejack's coat, shouldn't "fears" be "tears"? Unless, of course, you're using them as substitutes here...
I really enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing!
2582499
Technically, wouldn't #3 be "Applejack grinned more widely."?
I'll echo all of Excelsior's comments, with the addition that I felt at times like you were trying to mash at my Feel button a little too hard with melodramatic narration rather than allowing me to see enough into the AJ's and Rarity's emotional responses through their actions (however small those might be). In all, though, you did a really nice job with this story and you should be proud of it.
Speaking of which, that last comment in your Author's notes – just by existing – drags you half-way to being the truth in the reader's eye (in my opinion). FWIW, you and your story deserves better than that assessment.
2584060
So it would given that it would be an adverb. Duly noted and edited to reflect your correction.
God damn, the feels. This was a great little fic though :) good job.
love it
2582299 Good to know! Hope you liked it!
2582499 Yeah. Such is the woe of writing the synopsis weeks before the release, and forgetting to fix it
Oh, and I fixed 1 through 7. 8 is actually correct.
2582772 You are most certain welcome! Thanks for reading!
2583351
2584060 Shush. He can say what he wants!
2584117 But the feel button is so nice and shiny!! And I agree with you on that author note. Was feeling down when I typed it. Deleted that part.
2584221 Anyways, let's move on! (Please get the joke...)
2585341 Thanks! And thanks for reading the little fic!
2591013 Want it, need it?
2592497 ? can you tell me what you mean by want it, need it?
2592682. You loved it... want it need it spell...
The "again" is quite redundant. It really doesn't need to be there, nor should it be there.
Anywho, good stuff. It was a nice short story with some nice character interactions. Not much more I can ask from a short story.
*Sniffle*
I... I cant hold them... 
THE TEARS! THEY COME!
Holy-motherbucking-moly... that was intense!
Part way through the fic, Johnny Cash's Hurt came on the radio. Super feels combo! I bawled like a little kid.
I enjoyed this piece far more than I think I should have. Not sure what that says but I intended it positively
Wow. Great job! Dang it, now I have to look up the other stuff you wrote. I would love to see more legless Rarity. Heck, I'd probably write it I'm interested enough.
Finally read this and upset I waited so long.
Great work
Instant favorite.
Simply because of how well the feelings of utter hopelessness is portrayed in this story. Good job!
