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Cadence's life isn't exactly typical, even for a mortal alicorn. Trouble seems to find her in a big way wherever she goes and whatever she does, whether it's goblins, malcontents or mutated changelings. There seems to be no end to her problems.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I am liking this so far.
There is a bit of "telling" when you should be "showing", and it is never explained how Cadance managed to swing an audience with the ruler of an entire country on short notice without those showing her in knowing EXACTLY what the situation was.
shining if the princess tells u to mount her u mount her god dammit!!
Is there a reason you are using ' and ' rather then " and "?
1915901I just tend to use single quotation marks, they might look a bit odd because I changed the type face while copying it from word to here.
Personally, I would have had Rainbow Dash's sonic rainboom intrude in events somehow. Maybe one of Thora's 'pranks' got disrupted by the rainboom's magical effects. I also think that Shining and Cadence would have noticed a giant but oddly cute dragon appearing at the school and subsequently disappearing a couple of minutes later.
Okay, my suspension of disbelief is getting strained here.
Cadence is a princess and one of her friends has apparently been kidnapped. Now, let's not forget that her colt-friend is also a member of the Royal Guard (if only a trainee right now). Why are they going Scooby-style to save Fleur when it would be completely within their abilities to whistle up a mixed battalion of guards to do the job? I mean, just targeting a friend of a Princess could be considered a state security issue as it might be a precursor to either an attack on Cadence herself or an attempt to demand a ransom from the Equestrian government. This is definitely a job for the Guard.
1926171 I tend to give answers and create questions at the same time, therefore some of your questions will be addressed in future parts. Here are some explanation though: I have not expressed much about the Royal Guard or what it does, Youthful Desires also expresses that Cadence has a tendency to be impulsive, Cadence is the central character and therefore explanations not involving her in events specifically are more likely to come up in future parts, I do not have time to explain why every character does everything, too much of that makes things even more into telling and less into showing, there are certain story conventions: I tend to play with the idea that characters do things because that's what they do in stories, many TV shows and stories have characters not doing the sensible or obvious thing, my plot holes are relatively minor; Cadence and Shining Armor were already in Ponyville when Twilight Sparkle got her cutie mark and long explanations of how certain events everypony is familiar with relate to the story directly can also mess up the pacing. I also didn't state what the Royal Guard or Celestia was doing during the time events were happening every time they happen, some things have been deliberately left out so the reader does not know. The issues you have with this, you must also have with the show itself, I am effectively writing as if the parts were episodes, with the exception of slightly darker parts and more detail.
I think you've played your trump card too early.
At this very time releasing the chapters all at once isn't exactly the thing to do here. All of these stories seem to be in parts and collections, maybe if before you published all of them you could have released a new chapter every once or twice a week? That would have possibly given people a reason to look forward to reading the story perhaps.
Every once in a while after a new chapter is published then it will be put at the top of the "recently updated" section, which would have given people more access and exposure to the story. That way you could've brought in more people as everything progresses to the end. I know that you are still writing chapters judging by the first part to the Forest of Fright story.
Also, it seems that if you were to put all of these stories together without the parts, I think they could've done good as short stories or an even bigger collection of stories.
While this is my opinion, please do not take this in a negative light. What you have written is pretty good and I'd like to see more as you go along.
- Glitch.
1926359 Thank you, here's some explanation for my actions. I don't normally upload all at once. The reason I did was because this fan-fiction is also on two other sites, therefore, readers might just go there and read the next parts. The reason I put them all together is because each story is strongly linked with the other parts. Putting them separately would cause confusion, things being read out of order, and worsen the other problem I get the impression I have of things seeming unlikely or unexplained. Crystal Fires was the end of section 1. There will probably be 5 sections in all (the first section is currently being made into an audio-book.) and therefore I will continue, hopefully, to pick up readers.
1926380
Thanks for the explanation and your understanding, keep up the good work and good luck on the audio book. May your stories receive more attention in the near-future.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
-I'd put in something about the blinkers and such being magic-proofed against any pony wearing them. Cadance might not be Twilight, but she could still undo a knot by feel.
-Shining Armor teleporting straight to Celestia feels off, both for the range (it could be seen as a desperation-fueled thing, but he seems nonchallant about teleporting back), and for the fact that Celestia's palace security is probably better than that. Maybe if you had it as a one-time thing that exhausted him, and then had Celestia handling the second teleport.
a lilac dragon egg with purple spots on.
-Remove "on" or make it "on it". I recommend the first.
I promised my sister, I’d teach her how to fly a kite today.’
-I don't think the comma is needed.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
-Not liking the idea of Big Macintosh and Shining Armor knowing eachother before the wedding was over.
-I guess "Shining Armor rescues Cadence" is going to be a recurring thing? Seems a little too "Scoobie Do"/"Inspector Gadget"/"Powerpuff Girls"*/Monster of the Week type of a plot, but I guess if that is what you can write to move the romance forward, I'm not going to complain too much.
*Deliberately editing this in to show it isn't necessarily a bad thing.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
her eyes were a slightly paler color too.
-Mixed in with describing what she can see this makes it feel like she can see her own eyes.
dappled dark gray pony, with yellow dappling,
-Repetitively redundant. Consider "yellow dappled dark grey pony".
Was there a chance that Joe might help her if he recognized her?
-While not as big a problem as "Pony Soup" I doubt "Rabbit Soup" would go down well in Equestrian culture. Then again, maybe it is socially acceptable for, say, Griffons, and Pony Joe would give his sister that much latitude out of fear and devotion towards her. Point being, kicking up a fuss by attacking the cage would be a fine idea, and instinctive to boot.
you’ve made your point. Thinking up such a thing and getting this far with it proves you’re no goody four-shoes.
-Interesting demonstration of "malcontent". She isn't just trying to be DIFFERENT than her name (the cutie-mark doesn't play into it directly) she is trying to be OPPOSITE it. Also, Joe is really a WIMP.
She had noticed there was a small hole at the bottom of one of the doors.
-Seems a bit contrived... maybe if the room were described as really run down, or if you implied that it was an intentional pet-door of the simplest sort.
only just avoiding several summoning spells.
-As in what Twilight used to get Spike in "Secret of My Excess" so she could try to clean his cheek? Seems like advanced magic to me.
‘Search everywhere,’ Goody Four-Shoes ordered, ‘find her!’
-Cowed (heh... Cows are sapient) enough to be an accomplice to murder? Even with the ending to "MMMMystery on the Friendship Express" I don't see it.
remembering how the mare had been able to see her perfectly well when there was no light at all.
-Good piece of continuity... her horn-talent (she is a unicorn, right?) is thermographic, very low-light, or "Magically sight that doesn't per se need photons"? Seems sorta an odd talent for a ballet dancer, but then again maybe she studied it specifically for that reason?
Cadence looked up to find herself between Joe’s back hooves, hidden from the predatory eyes of Goody Four-Shoes.
-Ok, so he may have just been playing along. I wonder if he can outrun her, and if he will try at the first opportunity (with Cadence in his mouth)?
‘There’s a hole down that corridor over there that leads to the drain pipe,’ Joe whispered, ‘you should be able to get out through there. I’m so sorry about all this.’
-Ok, that could work even better. Joe is reasonably sneaky, even if he probably should have gotten up the guts to turn his sister in for psychological treatment long before this.
and tell him it wasn’t for him to apologize
-Seems to me he has plenty to apologize for. Is she just supposed to be that forgiving, or does she honestly not see it as being a problem that he let things reach this point? Maybe she isn't thinking that much in-depth due to her stressful situation?
‘Looks like you’ve been stood up,’ said the café owner, putting a sympathetic hoof on Shining Armor’s shoulder, ‘I’m sorry,’
-Is Joe the cafe owner, or is that somepony else? If it is Joe, does he think his sister might be listening, either mundanely or by magic? I hope Goody doesn't enlist strangers to help her find her "bad bunny who ran away from home". Not everypony might realize that the weird fur isn't a dye-job (or the magical equivalent) or some magically created genetic variation or something.
I can only hope Cadence has a trick or two up her proverbial sleeve.
Best. Story/Fanfic. Ever.
Love the story but it is a little too lovey dovey in this part any way.
Why would Celestia take her with him on the first teleport, and especially flying him around? She has no clue what his level of ability is and this is dangerous.
It feels like you have AJ making the journey from Manehattan much too fast. Granted travel times on the show tend to be 'whatever the plot demands' but still...
Also, Cadance is an alicorn, so it seems a little weird for Shining Armor to say she is hard to describe despite the fact that he turns out to be focusing on her personality rather than he physical appearance.