Journal: Day Thirteen,
I find myself ever more daunted by the concept of magic, seeking refuge in what I do know. A little hoof-grease and well deployed machines could solve any problem. I swear it!
A unicorn inept at using more than remedial-level spells tackles the challenges of life in Equestria - with science! His story may just take him through the wildest or strangest places - or situations - imaginable.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I was tempted to quote the whole thing.
Anyway, small fixes have been finished. I'm fleshing it out more as I post this.
1913237 Good to hear! Can't wait to read more
t
Well... I'll have to keep reading to really grasp what you're trying to do with this plot, but so far the description and characterization are somewhat lacking. I think you tried to fit too much into this first chapter. It would have been better off as just an exposition. Still, not too bad.
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I am learning that it is truly a fine line to get a story moving, keeping enough detail, but condensing it to keep a strong pace.
I'll keep working on it, though. Thank you for your input.
I like word limits. Really. They make the best noise as they zoom right by...
Enough of me, though. If you have some thoughts you'd like to share - I'm open!
First off: BRAVO!!
Like and a fave.
Secondly, your pacing is quite good; the chapters are short enough to hold the reader's interest while doing some good plot development. Don't worry too much about condensing, especially where details are concerned as your chapters are still rather short. Based on your style of writing, you could probably increase chapter length by 500-1000 words and still keep a brisk feeling pace while adding some extra details to enrich the overall story.
I'm loving the overall feel and plot of this story and I'm looking forward to seeing more (in other words, I'm addicted to it
)
Huzzah! Update!
Still amazingly well done and addicting. Like I said before, don't worry too much about chapter size. Having a rough size goal is all well and good, but sometimes things just need to be said. I've seen fics that average 1500-2000 word chapters that have the occasional 3000+ word chapter when they've got an action packed one. Bottom line: aim for your goal, but if you go over in action heavy chapter don't worry too much, you'll probably have some that are shorter to even it all out.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWESOME!
You know those moments, when you gulp in a large amount of milk, and you read something funny, and you laugh so hard milk comes out your nose, resulting in a filthy computer screen and an angry mother? Yeah, that just happened.
I get it, Jet Gray is you, so of course you star in your own fic... I get it!
BTW AAWWWWW SHEEYIT, things just got real!
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Also, I think this would be entertaining:
Amongst the next story arc, maybe an adventure to Tartaraus to make sure this never happens again, and an assurance check by Luna, only resulting in the Wraith finding a way to pull out a pony's dark-side and returning with Nightmare Moon. Also, maybe a love triangle including Jet and Spike fighting over Rarity, while she seems uninterested in both. Maybe a whole bit with Shining and him trying to convince Twilight not to go down to the pits of hell. Maybe something with Zecora and Luna hating eachother, and maybe the Wraith gets to Pinkamina momentarily, but Zecora pulls her back. And not murderous Cupcakes Pinkamina, regular Party Of One Pinkamina. And then a whole bit where Zecora and Twilight find a way to free Luna, and Jet's the only one who can complete it, but he sucks at magic, so a whole insecurity bit, then he does it, and becomes a really talented magician. Then a third story arc about life in Ponyville, and a sequel about another beast escaping, or hell on Earth, Sunnydale thing where the Everfree opens up as a portal between the Underworld and Equestria.
Really, at this point, I took this idea of Tartaraus and ran. Whatever you do.
Loved it!
I WANT MOAR! 
Really enjoying this so far, Jet, good work! I can see the great improvement chapter to chapter.
Please, sir. Can I have some more?
Your style is just too enjoyable to never see again.
Good work, Jet, very enjoyable.