Hmmm, a tad fast but still not bad. As with the first chapter there remains a lot of potential here. If I may suggest though I believe you need to be more concise with your timelimes, First chapter he bumps into Milky Way and now apparently they are dating. Seeing as how Lightning Dust is only his second client it reads rather confusing as not a lot of time seems to have passed. Only real complaint I can make, it's still a good story. Just try not to rush things too much and it can be amazing, look to other authors for advice if need be.
And you said it would take a couple weeks to get this up. There are a couple of things that I think could be addressed in order to improve the chapter.
First, the time jump was a little jarring. Adding a time reference that the weeks have passed could be beneficial.
Second, why might it be unethical for Ed to represent Lightning? Is it because he slept with her, or is it because he knew of her case beforehand? Please expound on this.
Finally, how does Ed know about Lightning's dismissal from the academy and why she hired him? Was it in the dossier? She did not talk about it in such terms in his law office, she only said 'thank you' before he fell asleep, and she was asleep in the morning. Ed also untrussed her before she said the safe words. How did he know she wanted to stop getting screwed? I would say to have Lightning use the safe words after they came and break down in tears as she holds him close and explains how her dreams were shattered.
1936648 Thanks again and yeah, I tried to add stuff in but I just couldn't figure out how to do it without spoiling chapter 3.
as for the ethical question it is part the requirment of having no emotional stakes in the outcome of the case.As well as the worry of what would happen to the both of them if it came out.
It will be revealed as to how he knew of her disgrace. Partially it's research, partially it's basic psychology. Ed would have figured the job was done, and also he was concerened for her well-being in being bound too long.
1940692 In British English 'dialogue is generally indicated by using single quote marks ( ' ) and direct quotes within dialogue by double quotes ( " ). Since I use British English, I am correct.
Hold on a minute, when he refers to his sweetheart, are you talking about Milky Way? Did I miss something in the first chapter that lead to this?
1935517
Yep, you sure did!
1935526Wow, I didnt realize that I had accidentaly skipped a large portion of the first chapter. I already see my mistake,
That was brilliant. A stuck up cocky mare who is taken down a notch in the bedroom. You played the two personalities well, even if his was a put on.
Hmmm, a tad fast but still not bad. As with the first chapter there remains a lot of potential here. If I may suggest though I believe you need to be more concise with your timelimes, First chapter he bumps into Milky Way and now apparently they are dating. Seeing as how Lightning Dust is only his second client it reads rather confusing as not a lot of time seems to have passed. Only real complaint I can make, it's still a good story. Just try not to rush things too much and it can be amazing, look to other authors for advice if need be.
And you said it would take a couple weeks to get this up. There are a couple of things that I think could be addressed in order to improve the chapter.
First, the time jump was a little jarring. Adding a time reference that the weeks have passed could be beneficial.
Second, why might it be unethical for Ed to represent Lightning? Is it because he slept with her, or is it because he knew of her case beforehand? Please expound on this.
Finally, how does Ed know about Lightning's dismissal from the academy and why she hired him? Was it in the dossier? She did not talk about it in such terms in his law office, she only said 'thank you' before he fell asleep, and she was asleep in the morning. Ed also untrussed her before she said the safe words. How did he know she wanted to stop getting screwed? I would say to have Lightning use the safe words after they came and break down in tears as she holds him close and explains how her dreams were shattered.
Also, Awesome job!
1936648
Thanks again and yeah, I tried to add stuff in but I just couldn't figure out how to do it without spoiling chapter 3.
as for the ethical question it is part the requirment of having no emotional stakes in the outcome of the case.As well as the worry of what would happen to the both of them if it came out.
It will be revealed as to how he knew of her disgrace. Partially it's research, partially it's basic psychology.
Ed would have figured the job was done, and also he was concerened for her well-being in being bound too long.
1940692
In British English 'dialogue is generally indicated by using single quote marks ( ' ) and direct quotes within dialogue by double quotes ( " ). Since I use British English, I am correct.