Twilight Sparkle travels north to investigate the circumstances surrounding her mother's mysterious death. However, she soon finds herself haunted by the same shadow.
Featured on Equestria Daily January 8, 2013
Yay, there is a epolouge! *squee*
I want to know what happened!
good story. i want to know what happens though.
The journal format and the overall mystery very much reminded me of the very few Lovecraft stories I've read, although the story did turn out different in the end. I'm hesitant to upvote this story though, for a few reasons. I'm going to just skip over the technical bits, because I'm the dead-last person who should ever raise a word about grammar or anything.
However, I felt that while the idea of ancient spirits and ancestors was pretty cool, I found that the pacing was very uneven. The start was great, I really liked the slow build there, Fireheart's entry, but then a lot of later part and especially the one in Fireheart's home were very-very brief and yet incredibly thick with information. I think it would have been better to pace the backstory of the ancestors and spirits a little more and it would have made the story stronger.
Second, and this is not purely your fault, but rather how the show is structured...besides the epilogue which takes place god knows when, the whole story occurs in little over a week. Where the hell is everyone? Especially in such a horrid situation, I would definitely expect everyone to try and comfort Twi and even if she does decide to leave, without Spike (which, again, is a little difficult for me to grasp), none of her journals indicate she had sent any word about herself to them. I know weeks have passed since Starlight died, but it just feels so very out of place for everyone to suddenly forget about her, especially Spike, who's basically in instant communication with Celestia.
I know, I know these were all needed to make the story happen in the first place, but it was still difficult to believe and just damn nagged at my brain. Other than what I mentioned, I did enjoy this fic as I'm always game for some horror, although I might have liked it better if it was A spirit and not THE nightmare. But that's just nitpicking.
I enjoyed this. Nightmares are already somewhat difficult to pull off, but I think that by making it into journal entries it becomes a little easier. It's not about making the moment real for the reader, it's about retelling the moment and letting fear sink in a different way. You did it good. Each one had the relative coherency you'd expect from a dream, and they build on each other well.
The relationship between Twilight and the voice in her head is an interesting one. While it is clearly tormenting her, I can't help but feel that a lot of what it says is almost designed to help her overcome her personal issues. It could just be a ruse to gain her trust and further take control, but the story also mentioned that there were friendly spirits as well. It might be an interesting twist if it turned out to be a spirit that was trying to help her and her own resistance was doing all the harm to her.
I'm also curious- did you base this story off of real-life legends, or did you primarily make them up yourself? Obviously stuff like the antlers as a connection to the spirit world was fabricated (or at least altered) to fit this setting, but in general how did you get the ideas for this?
It feels... flat... very plain narrative, just another version of the Nightmare origin, this time utilizing aspects of Native American lore.
Twilight also didn't feel like herself. This would have worked with another pony altogether. Indeed, give her another name and she is a totally different mare.
I feel I must remind people that stories that require such different characterizations are the very places where OC's belong. Altering a well-known character to fit a role is not the best route to take in those circumstances.
Also, Twilight and her mother never really got to know each other
So... will Twilight ever recover from her ordeal?
Submitted for your approval: Twilight Sparkle, a mind unequaled in all of ponykind. On a desperate search for the truth about her mother, but finding instead only the horrible truth about herself. Regardless of the peerless intellect she possess, even the most stalwart intellectual on a quest for the truth, no matter how horrible it is, finds the true demons are ones that lie within. Lesson to be learned in the frozen wastelands...of the Twilight Zone.
I almost feel as if I could modify the character names a bit and reposted this as a fanfic of any other fictional universe. You have to struggle to find common ground between Twilight and whoever this unicorn is.
why does every open-ended story have comments like this. Do you insist that Inception should have waited a little longer so we could see if the top fell, that shutter island should have ended in a narration to tell us what he was thinking? the story is up to the reader from here, and what you make of it is what you want. The author is letting YOU decide how his/her story ends. And I think it's awful greedy to send that back and say "But I wanted MOOORE!"
it's possible I seriously dislike these comments. :P
If I wanted to end a story in my own way, I would write my own. I come to stories that exist to hear a tale with a beginning, middle, end, not the start of an idea that's up to you to finish.
Then maybe you should examine this story and notice the bit where you have all three of those. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end. You can complain all you like, but this is an acceptable, and believe it or not GOOD, story mechanic that you'll see a lot of if you check out, say, any of those popular movies I mentioned. Every story has an "end" that you can imagine past the final page, some just prefer to go for the vague ending, because it's ART. It's up to the artist what to do with it. And, you may not have noticed, but you happen to be in the minority- I know a ton of people who hold strong opinions on the ending of, say, inception, but who insist that answering that question would ruin the movie. It's the same thing here- you have enough information to form an opinion, but not enough to be 100%. Sure, I'd prefer some more length to it- maybe a different writing style for most of it- but the end itself is great. I love the whole thing.
If your problem is a stylistic choice that is generally considered good, maybe the solution is to shrug and leave, because complaining isn't going to fix it.
I could really place myself in Applaska, feel the cold and the mystery. So sad
I did feel Twilight was not herself, like others mentioned. Twilight needs more research, more Spike (he really let her go on her own?), and more frustration to be herself. Also, more books. Lost of them.
Just my picky opinion, I loved the story anyway!
The plot of this reminded me a lot of Penumbra. Especially with how Twilight is "infected" by a tuurngait, similar to how Philip in Penumbra is also "infected" by a tuurngait of his own. Good story nonetheless.