I've never seen a place that's quite like this. Everything is turned around; this crazy world is upside-down.
Perhaps there is more to the relationship of an immortal pet and her immortal master than first meets the eye.
ironically i was listening to a playlist which consisted of : big hard sun, across the universe, southern cross and dark side of the moon... hmmm
This is a very good story. I think you captured the character of the princesses very well indeed. I thought your portrayal of Celestia wounded by the loss of her sister was very powerful indeed. I would be very interested to see where this is going.
Please find attached five moustaches
I don't read to many stories like this, not because I dislike them but more of I really can't take the angstfests for the 5th time. You've done good, you've kept them in character, and philosophy behind why there are two Alicorns... never thought of it like that. You've done good. Thus you gain:
Ah, a wonderful story. The relationship between Celestia and Luna has always intrigued me. This is a very good look into that relationship, and rationally explains the origins of Philomena. Not an easy feat.
Why must storys end when they are just getting really really good!
I'd say my complaint with the story is Celestia's "you have no idea what I'm going through!" attitude which makes her feel a bit like a teenager and not quiet an aged ruler. Even if that ruler did just lose her timeless companion. Also the dialogue felt a bit stiff towards the end and didn't feel (at least to me) very natural.
Of course the story's journey is a new one and one that I'm glad to explore... just those two things that hindered my enjoyment of it.
I like it! Though, Philomena's appearance is a bit... sudden. And the way she inserted herself is kinda odd.
"Hi! I'm Philomena! We're going to be best friends!"
"I lost someone, too."
Minor gripe, though. It was well-written, the imagery and prose was nice, and a good bit of history. Thumbs up, and a mustache for you, good sir!
You did a good job of making the emotions of Celestia, Luna, Nova, and Philomena seem realistic. That impressed me.
However, you could give us more backstory. A nice followup could include Philomena's past.
The ending was a bit abrupt, I think you could have added a scene or two to the end.
But it is not my story, and if you want to leave it at this, I think it still holds together well.
Very, very good. Congrants on the EQD feature!
Excellent. However I think you should change neccessarily to "out of necessity". The sentence is quite awkward in my opinion. It made me question what you were trying to say.
scarcely and necessarily
You're right, that does seem awfully awkward. Changed it, thanks!
Got to agree with this - it was fine until Philomena showed up, but after that it was really awkward, and before that it seemed like just an introduction. It's like the author wrote a lot about what we know, then rushed the non-canon part. Which is unfortunate, because that should have been the most interesting bit.
Also, in my opinion, the telepathy was a cop-out. So many more interesting things could have happened without.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Rize Of The Fenix: Well, Nobody Else Has Written About This Yet
Realistic portrayal of Celestia and Luna, and a very believable back story.
I'll be waiting for more!
Too much Luna and too little Philomena. Now, I DO like Luna. Before you brush it off as a superficial reader, look again at your cover picture and description. These are promises to your readers.
Now, really. I really expected to see some bonding time between Philomena and Celestia. All I saw was proposal+acceptance, most of the story was, well, backstory. It was rather disappointing.
You've got a fair point that the cover picture is kinda misleading, but my intention here wasn't exactly to develop the relationship between Celestia and Philomena. Well, actually I guess it was, but I tried to do it in a way that wasn't really obvious.
My goal was to accentuate Celestia's need for a companion that she can rely on to always be there, and Luna was the one she relied on for (presumably) thousands of years before the Nightmare Moon incident. Losing that one crucial part of her life would've torn Celestia apart, and she needed something to fill that void at least a little bit. So, basically, I spent the whole story showing how much Celestia cared about that companionship and that she would succumb to grief if there was none of that there for her. Enter Philomena, a companion that can't completely fill the void, but one that can keep Celestia from falling into an abyss of depression.
The bulk of the story is structured around the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Philomena was the main part of the acceptance bit, and I think she fulfilled her role nicely. I suppose I could have elaborated more on Philomena's impact on Celestia and vice versa, but I feel like that would've made the story go on longer than I intended and might make people forget why Philomena's there to begin with: to fill a gap that can't be filled.
All in all, I understand and appreciate your criticisms. I know the story isn't all it could've been, and evidently it's not enough for some people, but I'm happy with how I wrote it and I don't think I'll be changing the cover picture or the description. Personally, I think they both fit the story nicely, even if their meanings are a bit abstract.
Thanks for the comment!
Hello. I read this fic on recommendation of Griffin and because you have another fic in the feature box. I'm going to leave some criticism if that's okay with you.
The midnight blue alicorn mare
The beauty of fanfiction is that you can simply write "Luna". What we have here is purple prose (aka Lavender Unicorn Syndrome).
Still clearly taken aback by the question, but willing to acknowledge its legitimacy all the same,
You do a lot of telling instead of showing.
Celestia’s stoic expression suddenly snapped under emotion, displaying her utter shock bordering on disgust which the response had provoked.
This sentence is particularly heavy-handed.
Luna determinedly inserted... newfound smile... remarkably uncharacteristic...
A good editor would excise half of your adjectives.
Another well-timed lighting strike punctuated the statement, illuminating the turquoise, serpentine eyes of the mare who had spoken it.
It sounds like you're describing a ridiculous action movie. Is Nightmare Moon causing these implausibly timed lightning strikes? I laughed.
a single teardrop shattered against a blade of grass
And kept laughing. The single tear is such a cliché!
In her mind, Celestia knew [stuff]
Where else would she know [stuff]? More redundant words.
no amount of wistful tears could fix her problem
I don't think "wistful" is the right word to use here.
I assume you recall the purpose of our meeting?
Why wouldn't he? Does Nova the Knowledgeable have dementia? Why does Celestia ask this question?
A single, perfectly symmetrical teardrop rolled down the princess’ royal face
Definitely the wrong word. "Sufferance" is a synonym for "toleration", not "suffering".
My kind is a race of divine celestial birds... phoenixes are immortal... You are not the only one to suffer under the burden of eternal loneliness.
If Philomena is part of an immortal race, then why is she eternally lonely? Was she banished? She's a criminal, isn't she?
I hate to say it, but I've lost interest in reading your other fics. You have a lot of room for improvement. I hope this comment contributes to your growth as a writer.
Edit: To be fair, this was written more than a year ago. Perhaps I'll take a look at A Draconequus' Guide to Immortality after all.
Yeah, I cringed at pretty much every one of those quotes myself. I've been meaning to go back and edit my older stories to make them more readable, but I'm afraid my newer stories take precedence. Frankly, though, I'm still amazed this story managed to make it to Equestria Daily.
I definitely hope you'll still take a look at A Draconequus' Guide to Immortality. I promise that I've improved drastically since I wrote this story, and I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised by how far I've come if you do choose to read some of my more recent stuff.
In any case, thanks for the criticism! I always appreciate constructive feedback.
This touched my Heart Strings... And only made them stronger!
I find myself reading all of your stories in only a few sittings.