Spitfire discovers Rainbow Dash crying on a cloud after a meeting with Derpy.
What could make this tough mare cry so hard?
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Follow up to my other story, "I'll Never Forget" which can be found here: http://poni.0au.de/story/7206/I%27ll-never-forget
Credit for image goes to C4tspajamas.
The picture can be found at
http://fillydelphia.tumblr.com/post/5740105821/rainbow-dash-x-spitfire-forever
Fic requested by:
awesomekik
Written and edited by me.
Chapters (6)
I have never been a big fan of homosexual shipping, but this was a good story. Could use a bit more detail leading into the kiss just to make it slightly more emotional when it happens, but over all this is a good story. Can't wait to read the rest!
This is very well done, my only problem is that it seems slightly rushed into the romance.
I agree with the above comments, the romance was a bit rushed. Other than that, great start! Definitely tracking.
I would agree with the ones above, it seemed a bit rushed, but not every story needs 20,000 words of buildup and inner struggles. There's nothing wrong with a light-hearted read. Great start, tracking.
Competely DAWWW'D at RD's reaction to Spitfire's cloud words! Can't wait to see how you tie this with Soren (love triangle perhaps? IDK, I kinda got that feeling)
Not finished yet, but a serious issue I can see already. Spitfire, for all we know, lives in Cloudsdale, and is likely to be off on tour at any point in time, or based in Canterlot. Why does she suddenly spring up on Dash? There's no lead-in or explanation there.
Now that I've finished, there's also a total lack of build up overall. The wording was also a bit chunky at times "10th anniversary of marrying him", could have been stated better, as an example. Everything was quite rushed in total and missing a lot that could have made this a really good one-shot. I can't rate this highly.
137686 Yeah, I was thinking that too.
137918 yar.
Overall, I agree with you guys. I rushed it a bit- I'm glad you're giving me your honest opinion, but at the same time I can't rightly edit something like that out. I haven't started the other parts yet, but I definitely will try and make this last as long as possible without making it feel like a long walk off a short peer. Oh, and I will edit things that are clunky and awkward, like the one Aurora mentioned. Loved writing this, honestly.
Thank you all for your criticism, I'm currently working on the next chapter for this.
Whew, that was some writing.
Okay, the new chapter was posted a few minutes ago, and I hope you enjoy it. If it is not on par with what I've done so far (Ohai Zecora
), I'll probably be taking a short break. I have some time tomorrow, so I might get to work on getting more into the story- watching rainbow vids, reading more fics, etc., and then spend some time writing. I was really excited when I started writing, but I ran out of ideas about halfway through, and I wanted chp. 2 to be about twice as long. In addition, I feel like I'm moving too fast- typing out story after story without even a day's break. Hoping this chapter fixes some things and helps me write more in the future.
Much better paced this time around. I found a few problems such as having one too many o's early on in the word to. Other than that the pace seems much more appropriate. Here's to a good chapter!
139104 Glad you liked it. I don't know why, but it felt... off. No other way to describe it.
Trust me, I have the same problem. I've been working on my story for this website. I'm sitting at a 10k word chapter that I keep re-writing due to not liking it. I'll wind up posting it eventually, but I understand it feeling off at times when writing.
139161 Thanks for your comment, I'm glad to see others have this problem
.
I have a good idea of how to get this to play out well, and I think the story will be better for it. However, some things need to be done at once (see: my other fic) and some things need more time to be done right. Also, go ahead with posting it, I'm sure it'll be fantastic.
Is that my name I see up there? Olawdy, why do I feel like I just won something?
On a related note, I'm glad you decided to take it a bit slower with the romance. One thing I noticed about this chapter is that you have a fair number of grammatical errors throughout, such as forgetting to capitalize names and using improper punctuation within the dialogue. But clean it up a bit and this one's a success.
139699 Because you did win something- you won TEH INTARWEBZ! Yes, show them Donnie!
*announcer voice* "Each hand crafted Intarwebz (or 1|\|74|2\/\/3|3Z as the l33t p33ps like to call them) comes with OVER 9000 freshly made muffins, a TARDIS and NO restrictions on where you go! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN EVEN GO TO THE MAGICAL LAND OF EQUESTRIA!
"
In all seriousness, though, I really do want to listen to my fans. I'm not writing this for my own enjoyment- although I am having a fantastic time while doing so. One of the best parts of writing these fics are for me to see the reaction of fans or critics- I love making people think. I'll definitely make a run through of this while I'm writing the next chapter, which came from a huge idea that just made me go nuts over it. Thank you for the read, please rate if you haven't already. (lots of people comment, and while that's good, it doesn't really give me a tangible number that I can use to gauge peoples reaction to the story so far.
)
3 chapters in 1 day?
Well aren't we the overachiever? Enjoy.
I'm a little late in the reading, as it would appear, but it was a good chapter, though relatively short. You did a lot better with the pacing and thank you for going into more detail about Rainbow Dash's problem at the beginning.
Very nice, I'm glad you took all of our advice! It seems much more sweet and flowing.
140195 OHAI! I do believe I saw you on another fic, that just happens to be made of concentrated awesome!
.
140186 I felt like I just needed to rush it out- my first chapter had more issues than a Bethesda game on launch
Nice work! You could go ahead and take things a little more seriously between them now that something has had time to build up. I hope you don't mind my asking, but would you read my fic? You can find it by clicking on my name. I can't wait to read your next chapter!
Grammatically superior to its predecessor, I have to say! The punctuation within quotations is still incorrect in a number of places, but other than that it was quite splendidly put together. And Nervous!Dash strikes again! I know we all think Twilight is the definition of adorkable in the MLP universe, but Nervous!Dash definitely takes second or third place, at least in my opinion. She tries so hard to keep cool, and you just know she's shaking like Fluttershy in a dragon's den on the inside.
140230 I'd love to read it!
Oh my, MUCH better this time around. In fact I took it from a 4 star to a 5-star just from this. There's still a few mistakes but you're improving with each chapter release. Did I see that you also updated chapters 1 and 2? If so i'll give them a run through again as well to see how they're going. Much much better, keep up the good work.
141151 I just fixed some grammar mistakes. I'm happy to see you raise your rating, and I'm glad you're all seeing improvement. Working on the next chapter.
It's been great so far, but I can tell it's starting to drag. Try not to keep up with the same thing for too long. Move on to the next point in the story.
This story has its moments, but all in all it could use a bit of work.
The mechanical:
You are inconsistent with the way you space paragraphs, constantly switching between enter and a tab, and 2 enters and a tab (that's a bad way to describe it, but hopefully you'll get my point). You have to watch out for un-pony phrases which aren't relevant in Equestria such as 'one handed embrace' in this chapter. There is some faulty wording and incorrectly worded phrases used, but the real issue is weak sentence flow and faulty logic, for example:
This surprised Rainbow, the tear she shed proving Spitfire spoke the truth.
Proving Spitfire spoke the truth implies she was/would have been doubtful of Spitfire's story about how her friend whose parents died, died because of her.
The plot:
The plot was introduced kind of weakly with Dash crying over somepony who has absolutely no characterization or real hold in the story. On top of that the reason she is crying over him is pretty frivolous, I mean crying because she threatened him not to hurt Derpy? If you decide to revise your first chapter (which I think you should at some point) changing her from full on bawling to simply being in a depressed rut would be a little more believable and less melodramatic. The pacing of your plot is suffering too, because of how the confess they love each other before a first date, or even before knowing each other more than a day. It's far too fast to make the rest of the relationship truly believable (more on pacing below).
The writing style:
While I have seen many fics with an over abundance of purple prose that makes me cringe, in your story there is a lack of interesting diction (trying to google some of the terms or words I use in here might be needed). Your pacing is somewhat suffering due to a bad relativity between time passing as you're reading your writing, and time passing in the story. You often glaze over parts such as here:
When they arrived, they were met by Pinkie Pie, who bounced near the couple saying “Welcome to the party! We've been waiting for you!” Prior to them arriving you have a full paragraph where the setting is never described, and then abruptly have the words 'When they arrived' this sort of effect makes the writer 'visible', and it is often said that the writer should be invisible so that the reader may be fully immersed in reading. This is why mechanical things and writing style are so important to make your story fun to read. The plot is the star of the show no doubt, but without proper writing to hold the plot up, the plot will come out weak and small.
The adversity:
This is unfortunately something you can not really go back and fix without changing your story massively. You have almost every confrontation resolved as soon as it shows up. You can alternatively not have adversity in your story, and rather have it be romantic, but to do that you need to come up with ideas of 'sweet' or 'cute' things that could happen that would keep the reader enthralled with the story. Even if you do that you will most likely have to have some adversity in your story.
Anyway, I'm just taking a break from my new chapter to review the first shipping story I saw in the 'new stories' section. Don't let any of these things be discouraging, you're improving greatly between chapters, and I just wanted to give input to help speed it along. I originally submitted my first fic, and it's still my only fic, but I had to revise it quite a bit, and I'm still waiting on some reviews to do even more changes to the early chapters (I feel my writing was really bad in them).
Finding a good story and emulating how that author writes is a good way to start. From there you can work on defining your own style of writing.
143229
Oh dear. I really do love an in depth review, but you are rather uninformed while doing so.
Your mechanical criticism is well founded, but your plot based is faulty. I wrote a 9,000 word fic describing the lead up to this, and characterizing Derpy quite well. It is by far the better fic- I did this story mainly for a fan. Since this isn't complete, I can fix many of these things in future chapters. However, I do want to wrap this up soon. I thank you for the review of my story, and I hope you rated, no matter how low that rating is. I don't wish to hide from criticism- it makes me glad to see people read my story and think about things, even if they have to be things that I am doing wrong.
Many of these chapters I write are just written in one draft, and posted after a quick run-through by myself. I will try to improve, but I am in school and this has become something of a time consuming monster. I have a good idea for something to write into a new chapter I will release today or tomorrow.
143566
ah, there was no mention of a pre-cursor story (whether it was mandetory or not) in the description, so I didn't know. I have a tendency to not rate incomplete fics (unless I'm willing to give it a 5 just based off what is done so far), so I'll wait and see what improvements you make before rating.
Writing the review got my thought process flowing (which is sort of what I would hope it would do). I don't know if you've read my fic (Flying High, Falling Hard), but there'll be a new chapter up soon!
(sorry if that's a bit presumptuous, but honestly I don't meet many people into shipping who haven't read it)
Hooray! New chapter!
We're nearing the end of this fic- I just have a few things I want to close up before I slap a "complete" tag on this and move on.
Interesting, I like it :D
Ah' Hope Spitfire don't die on us
I see you took my advice. I think I can foresee a marvelous conclusion!
147720 WHO CARES? DERPY TALKED IN THE NEW EPISODE!!! But seriously, thanks for reading. I hope my ending is as good as this chapter- I think this chapter went over quite well for how long it was.
Great job on this first chapter... The watch feature doesnt do anything as far as I can tell. I'm loving it! Thanks!
147731 Fuck yeah.
145022 I have but one, short thing to say: MOAR. (oh, and TwiDash is one of the best ships)
They... They're reading it! And then they're gonna read me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!
Last chapter will be out today. That is all.
Told ya
"Spitfire hiding a small black box in her pocket."
Thought 1: What pocket???
Thought 2: HOLYOMFGSHESGONNAGETMARRIEDICANTBELIEVEIT!!!
Great story!
again I was the first comment on a fic that ended up being moderately popular
151862 Pony Pockets are canon.
Why does it have to be the end?!?!?!
151917 Science. Also, It was getting a bit dragged out. I have some new ideas and I'd like to pursue them unburdened.
Awww, I like it too! They need a 'dawww!' emoticon!
152018 I like this one:
dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN
:D great story
152162 It looks like you...
Hitched along for the ride.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
That is great, a few grammatical errors but great! Now, I want a sequel of course to see (read) about the wedding. Or at least I hope that is what is intended.
154747 Oh no, people REALLY want that? I already wrote a story that had a marriage in it.... I don't want people to think I'm going to do that EVERY story. Mayhaps.
9.5/10
Thank you fore the wonderful story.