One is Silver

by El Dante

Prologue, Act I: Her

I've always watched them. I've been around for as long as they. Why they appeared, or I, for that matter, I still don't know. When and where I used to know. It must not have been important. Such thoughts have been lost to the years. The many, many years. The years watching, the years celebrating, the years grieving, devising, devastating, slaughtering. The years fleeing; then, at last, the years entrapped. And suffering. All the glorious, agonizing years.

Time has taken from me all but the truth. I may have forgotten, but I still remember.

I remember Her. She came with the rest of them. She had the admiration, the love of the others, once she’d come to earn them. She never had to earn them from me. But, alas, it has been many years.

Whatever force placed them here, whatever placed me, gave us all power enough to rival even itself. And prized they must have been. They were endowed with a sculpted head on strong shoulders, legs on which they stood tall and proud, arms with the most inconceivable and versatile devices on the ends—all a design I had always admired. They’d been so blessed they hardly had use for their lesser gifts, spectral-seeming wings they seldom used, a mystical crest on the brow wielding magics dwarfed by their sovereign might as Divines.

Though the crest marked them with power beyond reason, their congregation granted them power beyond imagination. They seemed to form for themselves the world as they stepped. Grass grew beneath their feet, trees above their heads. Rivers, streams, and oceans quenched the land of its thirst.

Then in the skies were placed twin orbs, one radiant, one wonderous. And surrounded they were with lesser decorations that still demanded the highest respect.

At last the world, their world, was ready to be filled.

And then she, in an unparalleled moment of glory, formed a being of the purest might and majesty. Four beautiful, powerful legs that could carry it far and so swift as to lift it nearly from the ground. A sense and wisdom about it none would question. All welcomed her creation, and for it she earned much praise.

Inspired—or jealous, perhaps—she who was closest to her took this design further, giving to hers wings to mimic the flight of her own kind, then to another a horn which channeled the same lesser-magics of their crest. Both were acclaimed, but all agreed neither could compare to the first. They lacked the spirit, the pride. They could only be as imitations.

From these three sacred beasts far more were designed, each inspired by the last, until they no longer seemed traceable to their origin. The results were the birds, the fish, the turtles, the wolves, the lions, and innumerable others. And all of them, including the horse, the Prime Beast, were mortal, as to make their existence, however brief, precious for its transience. Save for the Pegasus and the Unicorn. I feel this was done with a hint of spite. They were few, but they were meant to last many, many years.

There would later come the vision of the Alicorn, the Perfect Beast, the wise and mighty horse, but with both horn and wing. This never came to be. Such a supreme being would only do to shame the other three. Eventually, the name fell instead to the makers, a high form of praise. Indeed, they would appear in the art and song of years to come as their symbol, the Beast of the same name.

It seemed that each of the divines had a design to call their own. All but one. I knew her as Astrid. Often I felt as though I were the only one to notice her. She was so eager to create, but so indecisive as to form or function that all her designs were stripped from her very grasp or collapsed upon themselves, conceptually unsound. She with the woeful eyes concealed behind long wisps of hair. So frail, so vulnerable. So alone.

But I digress.

I never counted how many they were. In those blissful times, their number was never a concern to me. There could have been a dozen, a hundred, tens of thousands, but none were as important to me as Her.

Her. Like the others, she seemed to glow. Any would notice, given enough time among them. But no one noticed her warmth. No one but me.

Her. She was of such unspeakable grace and beauty. Her smile was strong yet gentle, her eyes patient and noble. Her hair, flowing and smooth, a warm, silken gold with a prismatic sheen.

Her. I remember I used to watch her. I followed her. She knew, and didn't mind. It was wonderful. I do not remember when it started, or why. I couldn’t have cared less. I admit I enjoyed it. Every minute of it, in fact. Somehow, it had come to be that I would come to her under a tree. Or to be so bold, I would like to say that she would come to me. Sometimes we would meet on the way, and I would surround her, engulf her. I had yet no form, no shape of my own, but as her feet graced the plains, I was the wind that swirled around her the aromas and petals of the flowers as she danced and spun to the tree and fell under the shade of its kind limbs; and to her delight I would be the extended roots that would claim a unsuspecting victims, or the saboteur of a particularly interesting conversation with a well-aimed gust, or the persistent rain cloud that would pursue a single humiliated target; but her favorite was when the skies would let fall instead of rain a sweet syrup that she would sip from a glass formed in hand from the water of a nearby stream, all to my lady's mischievous pleasure. And as she rested I would caress her cheek, again as the wind, and dreamily she would look out to the skies, seeing nothing in the emptiness before her, but oh, did it please me so. I knew that she was looking for me. I was in love—Yes, I had loved her! I was madly, madly in love and mad with it.

Absolutely mad.

Comments

[horizon]

A few impressions:

Well, this is nothing if not ambitious! Starting out with an origin story -- from Discord's point of view no less. The bit about how humanity was Discord's creation is clever, and the basis for your humanized universe is well constructed. You're laying a lot of groundwork here. The death of the alicorns (and damn, the contradiction virus is beautiful), Chrysalis ... you're living up to the expectations you set, which is a promising sign.

Your writing style is awfully polished for a new author's. It actually has a Victorian feel to it -- the unhurried and flowery prose of authors like Dickens and Bronte -- which to be honest I personally dislike, but I can appreciate the craft of it.

For some reason I thought you were setting up for a Discord/Luna romance at the beginning there, and it was actually a tiny disappointment to see the more typical Discord/Celestia. (Of course, that's just because Luna is best princess. YMMV.)

Glancing over Chapter 2 (though I don't have time to read it now), it looks like you're planning on retelling the major story of the first show. That actually feels a little disappointing after such glorious and careful worldbuilding. I really hope that you establish your mane-six-fight-Nightmare-Moon premise as quickly as possible, and then don't hesitate to push your story in different directions. If I wanted to see the Mane Six fight Nightmare Moon exactly like they did in the show, I'd just watch the show again; what I want out of fanfic is to see authors tackle those what-ifs and march out into unmapped territory.

Finally, I don't think this story is going to get the views it deserves ... I'd like to offer a few suggestions that have nothing to do with the story itself that might help get a little more attention.

1: Spread the word around a little. Reddit's /r/mylittlefanfic is a good place to announce stories and find other things to read. It's a fairly quiet place, so might not pull in much attention, but the post pointing people to your story will stay on the sub's front page for days instead of, um, 45 minutes. You can also try submitting the story to Equestria Daily (though their standards are formidable, so expect to be shot down) or to /ponyfic/ or various other author congregation sites.

(Edited to add: Also, and I can't believe I forgot this, FIMFic's main story-spreading mechanism is the Groups shown in your navigation bar. Find some groups that match the characters, themes, etc., of your story and go see if they'll add your story to their group. This gives all subscribed members a direct notification of the new posting, and it's in an area they're already predisposed to like. There are also some good groups for authors requesting feedback or editing, if you'd like more of that.)

2: I hate to say it, but a 10K-word first chapter is a huge barrier to entry. If you find a few natural breakpoints and chop the first chapter in, say, thirds, you're not asking a new reader for nearly as much commitment. That gives people the chance to do five minutes' worth of reading to determine if they'd like to go on, rather than commit sight-unseen to half an hour. It's super rare for me to click on a 10k chapter unless it's an author I already know I'll like.

2b: Your story description is intriguing, but way too long-winded. Cut about two-thirds of it out. The parallel structure of "this is their story" isn't necessary after the first few repetitions. It's everypony's story, yes. Better to be brief and give the reader more time to click and appreciate the story itself.

3: If you have a few short one-shots you'd also like to write to go along with your Big Story, it gives readers more entry points. Someone who likes your 2k-word short and goes to your user page can realize you've written more that they might also appreciate. Finished short stories can also build up followers who will be looking forward to your new stuff as you write it, and that's a big ego boost.

Anyway, I'm going to do something a little bit strange: I'm going to follow you but not track this particular story. I'm definitely interested to see what more you write, although I'm on the fence about this particular story (the flowery writing is really tough for me to get through, and I have a lot of other long commitments I need to return to). I hope you do well with this, though, and if a future blog post talks about your progress on OIS don't be too surprised if I return and catch up on it.

Best,

Horizon