You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on! If this message goes away after a few seconds, ignore it, javascript support sometimes takes a few seconds to detect.

Featured In14

More Stories1

  • E Her Weight in Affection

    While adapting to life after being banished from Equestria, Chrysalis learns that not everyone shuns her for her villainy.
    12,137 words · 21,271 views  ·  1,711  ·  40

Blog Posts14

  • 3w, 21m
    Anywhere but Here Chapter 10 / Theme Compilation

    Aaaaa sorry for the delay

    Chapter 10 - Unsolicited Interview

    Music is super important to me. I write with music playing, I imagine scenes set to specific songs, and I have songs picked out for pretty much every character I write. Here's a bunch of them!

    Title Theme

    Main Characters

    Double Tap


    Leaf Marine

    unlocked in second arc

    unlocked in third arc

    unlocked in fourth arc

    Supporting Characters

    Glade Skimmer

    Cobra Juicy

    Palace Caravan

    Steppin' Razor

    Pestilence(I have to upload this one myself I guess?)

    0 comments · 37 views
  • 11w, 2d
    Anywhere but Here Chapter 9 / Theme Compilation

    Currently about 1/4th through chapter 10, making steady progress. Writing is hard tho :A

    Chapter 9 - Job Hunting

    Music is super important to me. I write with music playing, I imagine scenes set to specific songs, and I have songs picked out for pretty much every character I write. Here's a bunch of them!

    This is basically the title theme.

    A grizzled unicorn and a perky griffon sitting at the counter in a smoky bar.

    Main Characters

    Double Tap


    Leaf Marine

    unlocked in second arc

    unlocked in third arc

    unlocked in fourth arc

    Supporting Characters

    Glade Skimmer

    Cobra Juicy

    Palace Caravan

    Steppin' Razor

    Pestilence(I have to upload this one myself I guess?)

    0 comments · 69 views
  • 15w, 3d

    11 comments · 112 views
  • 16w, 20h
    Stonershy's Big Ol' Bronycon 2014 Adventure - Day 3 & 4


    Stayed up 24 hours straight, partied, lived up to my namesake

    So I woke up really early on this particular day. Probably like, 11 or 12, maybe closer to 1, not really sure. Still, way earlier than I would normally, but that's okay I guess because I slept through the night like a moron. I got dressed, and Paris and I headed down to the vendor hall to pick up my commissions. Whoever was working the Arts and Farts table, jesus christ you guys are awesome. I love these drawings so much :3c So much that I commissioned them for two more sketches, and then Paris paid for some commissions of his own. And then we walked the earth, buying prints from whoever caught our fancy. We also hit up Chibi Jen Hen's table so that I could buy some stuff for my girlfriend, and also to hang out with Jen's really cool sister Steph who we had bumped into the day before. This is also where we met Key Light, a friend of Steph's, who will become important later. I think at some point, Full Stop or Peggly wanted to hook up and grab some food, so we returned to Quills and Sofas.

    While we were there, I started talking Anywhere but Here with Peggly and Paris, and that's when really, really cool conceptual shit started to happen. With their help, and Full Stop's occasional suggestions, we ended up with some amazing concept art for things that will show up much, much later in AbH. During this stretch of time, someone threw a pencil into a balloon and startled everyone. Bad vibes all around.

    This reminded us that we had yet to eat, however, so we decided to return to the Diamond Tavern, site of the previously mentioned Best Eggs Benedict in the World. It's pricey, but let me tell you; worth every goddamn penny. An interesting thing happened while we were there, also. We were a table of Bronies, and next to us was a table of Orioles fans, and next to them was a table PIKE brothers. Parties from all three major events of that weekend were literally lined up inside that restaurant for a brief moment of time. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Anyway, the food was absolutely immaculate, and I ate every last bite, as did Paris, Peggly, and Full Stop. After that amazing meal, we got up and moved back through the hotel. To our amazement, someone (potentially of Hindu faith) was having a wedding in the Hilton, which only added to the already dreamlike cross section of people already occupying the space; people in exotic, elaborate, and flowing formal wear, next to people wearing orange sports jerseys and jeans, next to people wearing button up polo shirts and shorts, next to people wearing shirts with pastel ponies, or in full cosplay.

    It is truly a beautiful time to be alive.

    So at this point, we returned to Quills and Sofas and talked with Sleepless Brony and Zyrian some more, while Paris continued to produce amazing concept art and Peggly played TSSSF. Not totally sure what Full Stop was up to at that point. I think drawing and giving us ideas for AbH concept art? Anyway, suddenly I realize I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM RED RIBBON. Pants are shat. I send her a text and we start wandering around when she gives us her location. After finding "the idiot wearing the red ears and horn" near Stomp Space, we hung out for a little while. It is explained that Ribbon is leaving Sunday and that they're about to go see Guardians, but that she wants to hang out when the movie ends. Several of my friends want to meet and hang out with her. I suggest watching Food Fight, and everyone loves the idea. My room would be ideal for this, but people need to sleep, so I do my thing and start networking.

    -Stonershy's Campaign to Screen Food Fight-

    You might think that is an exaggeration, but getting this shit to line up was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. That's probably because I had never seen Food Fight before. My first stop was Quills and Sofas, where I asked Present Perfect who I would have to talk to to get a showing in the cinema room. He wasn't sure, but he told me they were taking suggestions for films, and that was all I needed to hear. They were playing some kind of fandom made movie when I arrived, and then I noticed that there was some kind of administrative room across the hall. This is where I made the mistake of asking someone without a sense of humor if I could screen Food Fight. I was show down immediately. I guess that's understandable, but still, it wouldn't have been until midnight when most of the con goers would be gone anyway. Whateves.

    So, with that idea in the toilet, I returned to Q&S to try my luck elsewhere. I asked a few other people and was immediately shot down because I guess Food Fight is just that awful (and it really is, I found out hahaha). But then, I came to Alexstrazsa. He was hesitant, and then I mentioned that this was essentially for Red Ribbon, and that was all he needed to hear. Vicodin was across from us, and it was at this point that I learned about My Little Porny, and more importantly, that Vicodin had helped fund it. Incredible. Even more importantly, they were going to show it in the same room that I was asking to use for Food Fight. I followed Alex up to his room to make completely sure he was okay with doing a showing there, and when I had asked him for his consent for the twentieth time, I returned to meed with my party. It was at this point that I discovered that running off to try and get this little event to work had inadvertently ruined Paris's chance to get into a drawing panel. Not a good feel :/  

    After apologizing profusely, we made our way to the TSSSF panel.

    Once at the TSSSF panel, I TF'd into Pinkie Pie and started advertising the SHIT out of TSSSF in an effort to help Allie Alteration. "Do you know what this panel is about? You don't?! Well, it's a card game! Don't know how to play? Hey, that's okay! Step right on in and learn!" I think I handed out thirty business cards in the span of minutes. At some point, my friend Sparkle Overflow appeared, and we started making plans for Pizza and Booze on Sunday. There was a group shot of players from Neighvada Nights at some point and just fucking guess which one is me. Some additional dumb stuff happened that I apologized for, and then we hung out in Q&S while waiting for Red Ribbon to get back to us.

    That last part took a really, really long time. Full Stop cashed out for the night, leaving Paris, Peggly and myself to wonder what the appropriate course of action would be. Just when we were fearing that she had bailed, I get a text that her phone had died, and that she still wanted to hang out. THIS IS THE PART WHERE PEGGLY-SUS SAVES THE DAY. His dad was hanging out somewhere else for the night, and he said that Peggly could have friends up in their suite. So, we set out with plans to watch a garbage film with cool people.

    As we rounded the corner, we encountered Key Light being accosted by some manner of Brony. While said brony was distracted, Key Light mouthed "help me" and we promptly rescued him from certain frustration. We informed him of our plans, and to our delight, he joined the party. The five of us made our way across the convention center and ventured out into the rainy Baltimore night to reach Peggly's hotel. It was during this trip that I realized what a cool dude Key Light is, and he was fantastic traveling company. He also informed us that, as "a brown person" he would ward off any potential trouble, which I greatly appreciated. Once we got there, Alex and Baron were informed of the change of plans, and despite it being a long walk, the both of them agreed that they wanted to get in on it.

    Paris and Peggly stayed at the hotel to wait for Ribbon and her crew, while Key Light and I wandered back to the con to escort Baron and Alex to the room. We discussed how my hidden ethnicity was both a blessing and a curse, and how it's bullshit that a brown gay man has to deal with adversity in 2014. Alex and Baron were acquired, and we returned to Peggly's room. Let me pause for a moment to make a note about Peggly's hotel. It looked like shit on the outside, and on the inside, but his ROOM was AMAZING. Anyway, we got my laptop set up, Red Ribbon and her posse appeared. As was made evident not long after their arrival, this was apparently and inadvertently a fat pony meetup. There was some member of Ribbon's party that Paris was thrilled to meet in person, which was equally cool. Even though the TV would not play sound and we had to listen through my shitty laptop speakers, we soon got the full Food Fight experience bowel-cancer.


    Really, the only good thing about it was Christopher Lloyd. And his parts, while magnificent, were far too brief. With that hilariously nauseating event under our collective belts, we set out, now with a round Hawaiian in our party. There was some problem with his room, but we couldn't let him stay with us, so we escorted him back to the con and proceeded back to our room. Everyone was exhausted, myself included, and this would have been the end of the day for me, but I heard partying at the end of the hall. This is when I decided to check up on The Drunk of Bronycon Future.

    For the sake of keeping these folks out of trouble, I won't name names, but not long after stopping in to visit we departed to blaze. Apparently they had been caught by security the day before, but the security guard just joined them and gave them advice on a better place to smoke (amazing hahaha). As it turns out, the spot the guard suggested is the spot I had smoked in last year, which I guess means it's THE SPOT for Bronycon. I very vaguely recall what was discussed. I know I told them the Bronycon Carol at the very least. Once we had reached the stratosphere, we made our way to my hotel so that they could call a cab. I have no idea what was discussed while we waited, but they did eventually pile into their cab and be on their way.

    There was someone smoking outside, and I think I started talking to him by asking him about the Orioles, or something. I honestly have no clue. But that's besides the point. I realized that he was in Baltimore for horsecon, and so, we started discussing the con. Guy was apparently working registration, and various staffers kept swinging by to tell him things. Eventually we headed inside, paused at my floor to talk a little more, started to say our goodbyes, and THAT is when the veil of anonymity dissolved. I say "I go by Stonershy," and he says "That sounds familiar," then he says "I go by Zebranky," and I completely lose my shit. We had talked on Skype a few years before, you see, so I was pretty enthused. Apparently this was grounds to continue talking, so that's what we did essentially until the sun came up.

    Zebranky is a pretty cool dude :3

    So, after almost twenty four hours, I stumbled into bed and slept like a champ, at least for a little while.

    End of Day 3


    Slept all day and partied all night

    I had promised Digit that I would be at the LARP even if he had to drag me out of bed. This meant that at some point, I got dragged out of bed. I was a dissident, though, so I went right back to sleep. At about eleven, Paris woke me up and informed me that it was 11am. The LARP had started an hour ago, and would be ending at 12. I erupted out of bed and flew down to the con center, barely awake, but determined. I got there as things were kind of wrapping up, although not quite. Allie Alteration was there, and I proceeded to "help" her take pictures of her hat. After Discord's Big Stupid Scavenger Hunt had concluded, I congratulated Digit on running a great LARP and pleaded with him to move it to a later time slot next year.

    At this point, I remembered that I had commissions to pick up, so I stumbled into the vendor hall, picked them up, and then promptly returned to the room to go back to sleep. That is a half truth. I kind of slept. People kept coming and going, and I would semi-lucidly have conversations with them while they were present. Eventually, I think maybe at 5 or 6, I got out of bed for realsies and started planning how to tackle Pizza and Booze. Baron came through for me by suggesting a pizza place and then ordering a pizza from said place, and that was what we ultimately settled on. It ended up being a marvelous decision.

    While milling around waiting for everyone to get back from Guardians, I cleaned up the room and set up my laptop. Then, suddenly, I started getting texts like "dude are you sure you can fit twelve additional people in the room?" Truthfully, we couldn't. As I made suggestions to Sparkle Overflow that some folks be turned away, drama ERUPTED on their end, and I began to wonder if anyone would even show up. Eventually, Paris and Full Stop returned. Peggly had begun the voyage home at this point, so he was not present. Sparkle Overflow arrived a little while later, and it was at this point that we began to view the much acclaimed RUBBER.

    Rubber is an amazing film, and I love it with all my heart. It's funny and surreal and bizarre and totally outrageous, much like Bronycon. As far as I'm aware, everyone loved it. Even the people who were skeptical. And THEN we started watching Fatal Farm videos.

    How horrifying.

    After that, we all went to sleep, satisfied that Pizza and Booze Act III was successful.

    End of Day 4


    10 comments · 102 views
  • 16w, 2d
    Stonershy's Big Ol' Bronycon 2014 Adventure - Day 1 & 2


    Lots of driving, stayed up all night, had interesting company

    Got going a little later than I would have liked because I needed to get money out of the bank and buy coconut rum. Put further behind schedule because I had to drive forty five minutes out of the way to pick up someone that didn't have a ride to the con. He goes by Tygerbug. LITTLE DO I REALIZE this guy is responsible for frame by frame restoring The Thief and the Cobbler, among a whole lot of other shit. My friends had actually showed me his work before a few years ago. Dude is kind of a big deal. I've also apparently met this guy at Bronycon of January 2012, or as he called it, Hallway Con. Laughs were had and stories were exchanged and he was very good company for the ride down.

    We survive the intense traffic, near misses, and sudden swerves to make exits only to arrive and find that once again, it's Oreals season and a lot of the roads are blocked. It was no issue getting James and Dandy to their hotel, but we had to circle multiple times to figure out how to get to the goddamn Hilton. We joined up with Digit, Baron, and Paris, as well as Full Stop, Greg and Tasty Freeze, dropped off all our stuff, and I braced myself to endure registration. By that, I mean I drank some absinthe. But, interestingly enough, there was not ONE SINGLE PERSON in line. So we went back to the hotel, talked and hung out for a while. During this time, I was informed that PIKE, a fraternity, was having a convention in the Hilton at the same time as Bronycon. And then everyone went to bed.

    I'm nocturnal, though, so I had to keep myself occupied until the sun came up. The plan was simple: go to the lobby with my phone charger and draw for a few hours. The reality was a bit more surreal.

    -A Bronycon Carrol-

    The TL;DR of this is that I was visited by three drunks of descending age: The Drunks of Bronycon Past, Present, and Future.

    The first drunk (Biker Dash, actually!) probably wasn't drunk at all, but for the sake of theme we'll say he was. He didn't come until a few hours into drawing. He asked me if there was a garbage can nearby, and as soon as I saw the tattoos I knew what he was in Baltimore for. He asks to see what I'm drawing and I'm like "Horse porn lol" and he's like "I appreciate all artwork" which is honestly a really cool answer. We talk for a bit, he's a writer, as is his son! Father and son visiting horsecon together. How wonderfully bizarre. We bid each other farewell and I decide to change locations.

    The second drunk was very, very drunk. I didn't realize this until later, but we'll get to that. I'm sitting in the lobby, still drawing horseporn, and this guy kinda gestures at me. I grin and return the gesture, and he gestures affirmatively. At this point, I say, "Are we gonna hang out or what?" So he comes over and I ask, "Are you here for the Fraternity thing, the Orioles, or the horse thing?" He laughs and says, "Maaaan horses are for pussies." I laugh and exclaim, "Get that shit outta here!" So, both of us grinning, he sits down and asks me what chapter I'm with. I'm like "here for the Orioles lol" and he's like "What the fuck is baseball are you here with PIKE or not?" It's obvious that this guy is both really drunk and also from PIKE, but he's really fun to talk to, so I keep pretending I'm not a horsefucker to prolong the conversation. EVENTUALLY, after discussing career paths for twenty minutes, he passes out mid sentence. Having enjoyed his company, I wait to make sure he's sleeping, then get up and ask a security guard for a blanket. I put some pillows under his head, made sure no one would take his phone, and essentially tucked him in. While it was a fun experience, I wanted to finish my fucking drawing, so I changed locations again.

    This new spot was right outside the room, since there was an outlet. I was there for at least an hour before I hear someone coming down the hall. I was literally prone on my stomach drawing at this point. He rounded the corner before I could get up and says, "What are you DOING?" I'm like, "Uh, drawing?" And THEN, in the surprise move of the century, HE LAYS DOWN NEXT TO ME. His first question is, "Are you a frat guy or are you here for bronycon?" And my response is, "I'm here for the Orioles. How about you?" He bashfully responds, "I'm... here for Bronycon." At this moment, I lift up my hat, exposing the PART OF THE PROBLEM Pinkie sticker under the rim, and say, "Me too dude, hahaha" We talk for a while, and I learn that he's eighteen and drunk for the first time, and the alcohols used to achieve this were Grey Goose and Everclear. Hardcore. I express my admiration and he asks "Are you going to butt fuck me? Someone tried to butt fuck me and that's why I came back here. Also am I going to die?" Laughing, I tell him "No, definitely not, but you probably want to sleep on your side so you don't Hendrix yourself." When he starts to pass out, I send him on his way to his room, which is at the end of the hall.

    At that point, it was really just a matter of staying awake until I could find a place to sleep, which wasn't until around 11 am. At some point before then, I went down to the lobby to check on the PIKE guy, who was reported to have made it to his room fine, and then went to get breakfast. What I ate was the BEST Eggs Benedict I have EVER eaten. I don't think I've ever eaten anything that slowly in my life.

    End of Day 1


    Woke up too early, did not party that late, slept through the night

    I think I was the last one to wake up, but it was still a lot earlier than I would have liked. I freshened up and got dressed, then stumbled down to the con with Paris to meet Full Stop, and where I was reunited with Peggly Sus. Paris, Peggly Sus, Full Stop and I were essentially a party of four for the duration of the con, and I would not have it any other way.


    We went down to the vendor hall, and I think I bumped into James and Kayla once or twice. Commissions were purchased, I bought a knife at a booth selling shitty swords, and we encountered DAT FUKKEN PIG, which Paris had earlier told me about. Absolutely adorable ^3^ After getting some prints for James, Pacce, and my girlfriend, we returned to Quills and Sofas, where we sat down to draw, and Full Stop taught me how to speak like Henchman 24.

    So anyway, while Paris and Peggly and Full Stop and I are drawing  in Quills and Sofas, people keep bouncing off of me like OH YOU'RE HORSE FAMOUS and I'm like, "shit, really? I haven't done anything." Apparently, that is not how others see it, which is pretty cool I guess. I just don't want it to go to my head. I said something like that in an interview with Zyrian (will link later), who I technically first encountered during the After Dark panel of last con.

    Not long after that, Golden Vision invited me to a writer's dinner, and there I bumped into a whole lot of cool people: Present Perfect, Vicodin, Sleepless Brony, Applejinx, Solitare, Alextrazsa, Aquaman, a guy dressed as a pirate that I can't remember his name (Midnight Quill!), and surprisingly, the guy who I encountered the night before in the hotel lobby (Biker Dash!), among at least forty other really cool people. I had a fantastic dinner, we talked a whole lot of fanfiction, and cinema, and PIKE. After that, we went down to a plaza for a great big group photo (will link later), and THEN we piled all our hats on Obselescence. My hat got to be on top because it says "fedora" I'm so proud hahaha :3c

    So after that very wonderful experience, I returned to Quills and Sofas for more hanging out and possibly more drawing. Eventually, we went to a panel on Drawing Expressions, which was really cool. There was some eleven year old sitting next to Paris, and when we tried to give her drawing advice, she started rambling on and on and poor Paris had to hear her whole life story. There was also a girl sitting next to me, and when we offered her drawing advice, SHE TOOK NOTES. I kind of wish I knew who she was because that kind of eagerness to learn is a good sign that she has major potential.

    Once that panel ended, we went back to the room and Baron and Baron's friend that I can't remember their name and Zanith all started playing Twilight Sparkle's Secret Ship Folder, but we were cast out because Digit and Tygerbug needed to sleep. We ended up in a cosplayer lounge, Baron's friend tried some of Zanith's chewing tobaco and nearly got sick. I eventually decided to call it a night, despite knowing it would fuck with my sleep schedule. I found a place to sleep and checked out for the evening.

    End of Day 2

    23 comments · 192 views
  • ...
This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.


glad to see you put this up on here. :D

Woot!  Happy to see this story posted here. :pinkiehappy:

Ah, nice to see it up here as well! Been following this story for a while now, I'm quite curious where you'll take it.




Yeah, I guess this is the place to be or something? I'm gonna put up a chapter every Tuesday and Friday until I've eaten through the backlog and caught up to the most recent chapter.

That means nothing for the three of you, of course, because you've already been following my literary antics!

>>138388 Indeed, my cameras, spybots and army of camoflagued parasprites have been eagerly tracking your story for quite some time now! It's good that you don't upload everything in one huge chunk though, that should attract a couple new readers. Now, I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but any ETA on the next chapter, yet? XD

Glad to see this here where i can actually keep track of it :rainbowwild:. Anywaz lookin forward till its caught up n updated!:moustache:


Shit is done, it just needs one last scene, which I'm going to get started on tonight. Now, that's where things get interesting. This last scene will have additional content in the version I'll post here, and on FiMchan. Content that is unsuitable for EqD and Ponychan. I'm not going to go overboard, mind you, but there will be other chapters in the future with alternate versions of some scenes.


I really like the format of this site! I'm tempted to do smaller little things and post them here! But yeah, I appreciate the support :3c


yea I'm lookin forward to it, and the heavy dark stuff doesn't bug much. In fact it just gives it that much more excitment and suspense just to know how it effects the future of the plot itself........:rainbowdetermined2:

I've been waiting ages for you to update the story, you sir/ma'am are a true :trollestia:

I've waited literally half a year for this one to conclude because I've somehow become obsessed with it, and you may have persuaded me to make an account here so I can track everything :rainbowlaugh:

>>144831 continuing my last statement XD

Just remember, I'm watching you @___@

The suspense you've given me with this story is unbelievably well written, and I'm getting so impatient waiting for you to upload the next chapter so that I can read it, wherever it may be. :pinkiehappy:


Referring to chapter 8, yes?

It's done, just in need of revision. I'm going to start the first pass today. My goal is to have it ready before the end of the month.

Jeeze has it really been half a year already though? I gotta pick up the pace. Thanks for stopping by and giving support and stuff~ cover!.....I miss the old one...

Great to see this up here! Love it.

i think im gonna re-read this actually.

also the stupid site wont let me give you more than 5 stars! shenanigans!

edit: i liked the old image, the creepy fluttershy was great :(


Yeah, I did too, but a lot of people said it was too scary. Ugh. Thanks for stopping in~


In good time, my dear. In good time.


My plan is actually to do a little editing on each chapter before sticking them up, just to iron out any wrinkles I encounter.

And it's the thought that counts~

See earlier statement about red eye shy.


Wow the way you write snares the brain and jump starts the imagination kicking the emotion into over after looking at the text banquet you just served. In other words, you're good. Really good.

I've been enjoying this story.  I look forward to reading more!  :yay:

I can't stop coming back :rainbowlaugh:

Your uploading of the chapters tortures me to no end, and yet I can be patient because I look forward to being able to read the story once it gets to where I left off.


Up to 8 chapters now, still planning how to tackle the 9th!


That's a pretty rad metaphor~ Thank you!


Hahah, yeah. Chapter 8 is all ready, I'm just waiting for something. We'll call it additional content for now.


So how long do you think before the additional content is ready? Also, is it important to the story, because I don't want to read and miss something.


Without spoiling too much, it's focused on the guards themselves. Pacce and I are going to try and have it, and chapter 8, ready before the end of the month.


Now that my internet is back I eagerly await the point at which this gets to chapter 8 I've been looking forward to reading it for so long :rainbowlaugh:

And on an unrelated note: My router intensely dislikes me, I'm very sure of that.

Also, is the version posted here any different from the one posted on Equestria Daily? if so I'll start reading from beginning to end again because its just that good :pinkiehappy: almost reminds me of when I kept rereading "Breaking Dawn" (please don't hate me DX)


What is that, Twilight? Breaking Dawn Twilight?

flip all of the tables because i am mad at you

Chapter 8 is officially done, and will hopefully be put up on EqD tomorrow. The story I'm posting here is, for the moment, the same as the one on EqD. I've touched it up here and there, but other than that, same story. Once 8 is posted though, that will change.

On a complete whim, I started reading this yesterday when I saw it in the EQD story updates. BEST. WHIM. EVER!:rainbowdetermined2:

I was hooked the instant Fluttershy met Mahara; I only stopped reading when I noticed it was 3:00 in the morning, then woke up at 7:30 because I guess even my subconscious was eager to find out what would happen, and finished chapter eight a few hours ago... You know you've got something good when your readers do crazy stuff like that, right? :rainbowlaugh:

I only have three, small critiques:

1- Personally, as a writer myself, I would have inverted the order of the first two scenes: That is, the scene with Fluttershy encountering Mahara would be read before Twilight discovering the diary and releasing Mahara. Just a little anachronism to kick start all the confusion and doubt that permeate the first few chapters. So, not really a critique, just more "What I would have done," I guess. :trixieshiftright:

2- The entire scene where Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Snips, Snails, and Twist go into the Everfree Forest and arrive at Froggy Bottom Bog feels like it lasts far longer than necessary. Part of this simply may be because I feel you had shoehorned Snips and Snails into the story just to lampshade with Twist the sudden swearing going on (I don't care about swearing much, and here things were starting to get pretty messed up all around, so I say it's completely excused), and to make a slight joke at Sweetie Belle's expense. They simply feel entirely unneeded to do what that scene needed to do: set up for the hydra attack. Also, as far as I can tell, none of the interaction that occurred between those five in that, and their previous, scenes will have any repercussions on the main plot line--more so than I initially thought now that Scootaloo admitted being to blame for the hydra--excluding the possibility of a "Spartacus" moment that seems extremely unlikely.

3- Following that note, many of the background ponies you include are included for, apparently, no reason. The little side plot with Vinyl Scratch seems to have disappeared like a ghost without any importance, not to mention her completely-out-of-the-blue arrival during the hydra attack literally made me stop for a couple minutes to process what had just happened. Also, while Aloe's death and Rarity's relation with her was mentioned a few times, Rarity seems to get over it all to quickly for that kind of build-up; seems the story would be largely the same without this. Even her suspicious absence from Aloe's funeral isn't needed given her equally suspicious behavior before then and the immediately following sudden trip to "Canterlot." Similarly, Pinkie's friendship with Ditzy is mentioned often with her occasional appearances, yet their interactions seem largely trivial and not building up to anything. I can understand writing in the occasion red herring, but one or two a chapter, even in such long chapters, is getting towards becoming a bit too much (If these things are, indeed, trivial as I interpret).

Dang, those turned out a bit longer than I expected... It's still a great story with excellent writing; just had a few minor gripes I thought to share about your (side) plot construction.

Have read this on EqD nice to see this here were I can properly track it....also read all twenty chapters last night:pinkiehappy:


Oh my god so much critique. I love it and thank you so much.

1) I hadn't really considered that. On the other hand, Mahara's identity as the monster was never supposed to be a mystery to the audience, just the other characters. Her actions were more important than her identity, I guess.

2) I can understand where you're coming from here. It seemed like a good idea at the time! I honestly wasn't trying to write filler, I just figured it would make more sense to show them getting lost than just sticking them all there at the bog and then a hydra. Snips and Snails I probably could have done without, but there wouldn't have been nearly as much dialogue without them. Considering your statement on length, maybe that would have been a good thing?

3) Vinyl is going to be more important later, as is Ditzy, which is kind of why I introduced them this early. I didn't just want them to suddenly show up later, so I attempted to establish and rationalize the reasons for their involvement. I'm happy to report, Ditzy's conversation with Pinkie in 8 is actually not trivial at all. It just hasn't become relevant yet because I haven't fully explored the hows and whys yet, but, there are plenty of hints in the chapter to show you where I'm going. If it helps, focus on Pinkie's scene and then Zecora's. I really dropped the ball with Aloe though. I wish I had you around when I was revising, because that would have been an extremely helpful insight. I can make note of it in 9 though, so, there's still a chance to resolve that.

>>183336Arg sorry just finshed all twenty one chapters of Past Sins.....freudian slip:derpytongue2:


Oh, good! When it comes to critique on the 'Net, everyone seems to be on one of the extreme sides of the "want-hate" scale, so I was a little unsure. You're welcome! :raritystarry:

1- Ha! :rainbowlaugh: Is that so? Well, it must have just been me and my love for Fluttershy, then. I thought her self-deception was very convincing, especially when she was imagining the possibility that "the monster" was trying to make Mahara a scapegoat or otherwise frame her. Just then, I was more ready than not to believe Mahara wasn't a/the vampire...

2- Ah, I think I understand where your coming from. You're worried that readers might think that you, as the writer, are just dropping them at the bog for convenience, right? I've seen problems like this before in writing workshops, where the writer has trouble with either chronological jumps, or where to start and/or stop such jumps. Placing a little summary about what's been happening at the beginning of the jump is easy enough (not my preferred method, but easy to make believable), and if the scene feels too short, there are more ways to extend a scene than with dialogue. :twilightsmile:

3- Well I'll give you Ditzy on getting mentioned early, but I still think Scratch's unheralded appearance in the middle of an already shocking scene is hard to swallow. I think if she was just mentioned in passing as being about to visit by somepony--Pinkie Pie is the obvious, easy choice--then I wouldn't have acted so, "What?! :applejackconfused: Where-?! :rainbowhuh: Why-?! :pinkiegasp:" Besides that, now that you mention it, it seems there are a few curious things that could have future repercussions in that chapter eight dialogue... Guess that's what I get for reading it my first time on four hours of sleep! :ajsleepy:

... And is that a hint? :trixieshiftright: ... I don't like to be presumptuous, but I do like editing...


Oh man, I would be honored to add you to my editing staff :3c I can never have enough constructive criticism and you seem to have an excellent grasp on it.

I don't feel like using numbers anymore :A

Honestly, after the reaction to Nyx, I expected most readers to hate Mahara. I tried to make her a really underhanded and sketchy character and it backfired because apparently people love her because she's so amoral. The way I'm writing this story is supposed to allow the reader to make their own opinions about Mahara, really.

The funny thing about the bog and all that, though, is that I did a LOT of chronological jumping in chapter 8 and it turned out just fine. Write and learn, I guess.

I definitely could have handled Scratch's introduction better. Not a whole lot I can do now beyond having Pinkie mention it earlier in the story I guess? Also another hint regarding Ditzy; the thing Pacce is working on is directly related to Zecora's scenes in chapters 6 and 8, and Pinkie's scene in 8.


Yes.....That was a funny slip...

Also......Damn....You're good. The only thing keeping me following this particular story closer is how long the chapters are. I'm not quite used to reading chapters this long but I'll get used to it...Since I plan on reading Past sins...

Well.....I always try to look for the good in  the bad beings people write into these stories....They usually wind up ending up being better due to Friendship/Love/Life Realization..

And I kind of like vampiric things anyway....The older kind not the new sparkly kind...uugh:facehoof:

What an awesome chapter!  I love vampire Fluttershy!  :yay:


I took Fallout Equestria's chapter lengths as a challenge. Wait till you get to chapter 8! It's almost if not exactly 50 pages with all the bonus material in the last scene. Also the way I'm writing this, you're kind of supposed to form your own opinion about Mahara.


She's pretty great!


"Editing staff," hm? So formal and professional... sounds like fun! I'll take you up on that :yay:

Thanks for that compliment, too :pinkiehappy:

And, a sudden shift:

Hm, Nyx... from... Past Sins? I don't know anything about that because I only discovered MLP:FiM after it was completed, I think (I got into the show this last October, just before Lesson Zero aired), so I'm not sure what you mean, but I guessing it's not positive... Either way, I do love characters that are written in such a way the reader is free to interpret. It's not easy for the writer but it's so fun to read!

This is just a guess on my part, but one thing about Mahara that may have led to people liking her is she's a "return" or shift back to old vampire mythos; it's refreshing, in a way, as odd as that may sound. Not that I know much about vampires, in all actuality, beyond Interview with the Vampire and Salem's Lot (the novels, that is). That, or because she's so strongly associated with Fluttershy, especially now, and it would be hard to justify not liking Mahara without also getting a bit frustrated and angry with Fluttershy... and it's even harder to justify being mad at the poor mare :fluttercry:

Yes, chapter eight was very nicely constructed :raritywink:

About Scratch, that's what I would do. A further suggestion on that: The welcoming/get well party scene seems like not only the most logical, but easiest place to insert that.


I'll send you a link to chapter 9 when it's ready for revision and stuff! Welcome to the team :3c

And yes, Nyx from Past Sins. I haven't read it myself, but people are very polarized about it. I was expecting a similar reaction, but unless people are just saying all the nasty things behind my back, people generally seem to like Mahara. A lot of keeping her neutral is just not narrating from her perspective. It's impossible to tell when she is or isn't lying, so it depends on how much you trust her.

But yeah, I set out to write a vampire story, and I said, Stephenie Meyer, I'm taking it back! Dracula is one of my favorite books ever and I suggest you read it when you find the time. Only 300ish pages. You may or may not see a lot of similarities to my style of narrative when you do. I guess I'll put that line about Scratch in tomorrow or something. Retcon powers activate!


Dracula is a great book!  it was one of the books I wrote my research paper on in my senior year of English in high school.  I thought of it when I read this, so good job!

Yay!  New chapter!  I was so excited to find this waiting for me in my inbox.  :yay:

I do so hope that both Fluttershy and Mahara can find some accommodation with the Princess that will allow them to live happy lives with their friends together in Ponyville...

Hot damn this was a good chapter!

Hope i don't have to wait to long for the next one! And, i'm not sure how long you have this story planned out to be, but i certainly wouldn't mind if still has a long way to go, hint hint. (what i'm saying is make at least 20 more chapters of this length, please and thank you ^^)


Oh dude, where have you been when I keep telling people this story is far from over? Because this story is far from over :A 8 is totally done, I'm just waiting for some things before posting it here.


We'll see~

Actually I started reading this only, because I saw the picture of Fluttershy with vampire fangs on EqD, but it turned out as one of the most interesting stories I ever dared to read in English. I usually don't enjoy reading, especially when I have to use my not-that-good English skills.

So please feel honoured, that you encouraged me to improve and use my English. :D

There are three things, I'd like to mention/ask you about, though:

The first is the love relationship between Rainbow Dash and Applejack, which seems to me, well, kind of seperated from the main story line, due to the (from my point of view) unidirectional connection between those. While the main plot directly affects Applejack and Rainbow Dash from the very beginning, because of Applebloom and the hydra attack, their relationship and it's hiding from everyone does not really contribute to the set of problems around Mahara and/or Fluttershy yet, speaking of Chapter 8. Nevertheless I'm assuming, that you tried to break that wall within the last chapter, when the depressed/drunk Rainbow Dash beats Scootaloo, so that it may start up a new sequence of events, that could end up in the Mahara-problem. So I'd really like to know, if you're indeed working on that (since I don't know your plans for the following chapters, obviously), because I think, concidering how detailed their relationship is described, it should have a deeper meaning for the whole story, than just being existant. (Or maybe I'm just overlooking it.)

The second thing is the impact of all the brutality on the ponies' mental state, regarding the usually pacifistic attitude of ponies in Ponyville. Of course, that they don't seem to mind it is your personal interpretation of those, but especially the battle against the hydra had kind of a strange impression to me, when for example Pinkie Pie slid down the hydra's neck cutting it open or when Applejack crushed the hydra's head. I would have expected them to be more... disgusted by such actions, therefore maybe having psychological problems besides the mourning afterwards. I think, it just doesn't fit the characters to get over their unusually violent actions that easily. (Although I have to admit, that I honestly like the gore very much!)

The third thing has nothing to do with the story; It's just that I'm really confused by your comment on the 8th Chapter. Have you gotten that many requests about when the story is about to end? I'm curious. :P

All in all, that are just my personal opinions, so please don't be offended, because nonetheless your story is really, really great and I hope you keep up your excellent work!

P.S.: Please feel free to correct my English, if there are horrible grammar/word mistakes.


Honestly, your English is pretty good! You just have a few comas in strange places. That's about it. Jeeze though, totally excited that you liked my story enough to actually try and learn a new language! I had no idea people liked it this much. I'm trying really hard not to let my ego go nuts on all the praise.

As I say to everyone though, I live on criticism and suggestions, so I am not in any way offended by your opinions. Said opinions are also very well grounded, and happen to be things that I've thought about or had brought up in the past, so you're definitely on the mark there.

Going in order, though, yeah, the AppleDash thing is a little more separate from the actual story than I had originally intended. I'm working on bringing it back in. They'll have a larger part to play in the following arcs, I'm fairly certain. As a counter point, one of the things that has happened as a starting condition of the story is that their friendships have already fractured to a degree. Rarity and Fluttershy are at odds, Applejack and Rainbow Dash spend more time with each other than anyone else, Twilight is starting to regress back to focusing all her attention on Celestia, and Pinkie feels left out in general.

That's another good point, but I'd like to point out that under the right circumstances, you'll see a side of people (or ponies) you might never see otherwise. It was a fight or flight situation, and since they realized how fucked Ponyville was if they decided to run and hide, they stepped up to the challenge. Also that hydra killed three of their own and destroyed a lot of homes. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I would think they would feel justified to use violence considering the circumstances. It was righteous and necessary anger, and while they're not bloodthirsty by any means, they understand that it was something that couldn't be avoided. Revisiting it as a form of psychological trauma might be interesting, though. I'll keep it in mind.

And yeah, people apparently keep asking me if it's over each time I post a chapter. Barely anything has been resolved! How can it be over?!

>> Stonershy

It's definitely good to know, that you're open-minded; Unfortunately, I experienced otherwise by some artists and musicians in the past, so that I decided to be cautious.

And yeah, I guess putting commas in the right place is a bit tricky for me, because German is very strict about punctuation at all and in English I assume, that you use commas more likely on purpose.

But coming back to the topic again, I'm glad to hear, that you're going to work on the Applejack/Rainbow Dash relationship. I've already made assumptions on how this could lead back to Mahara, thinking of Rainbow Dash, who would do everything for improving Applejacks life after the severe injury, and the fact, that the vampirism gives you the ability to recover your body in no time. But the longer I thought about it, the less logical it seemed to me, since RD is partly blaming Mahara for AJ's misery and AJ wouldn't be pleased at all to become a monster, thus holding back RD. But hey, noone can tell, what an absolutely desperate pony is going to do, right? :P

Also I'm thankful to you for mentioning the bad status of the mane six' friendship and the circumstances of the fight against the hydra, I must have concentrated that much on details, that I lost focus for the whole. So I totally understand your point now, and thereby I noticed, that I may have forgotten that the story is actually grimdark, so I should have expected "dark-sided" ponies beforehand. However, if the story really gets bloodier, as you mentioned in your blog, I'd suggest, that the ponies should somehow mind additional violence on future occasions, so it may not become superficial and/or monotonous at some point.

And well, that people tend to like your story may be related to many things, yet in my case it's for example the quite good question/answer ratio, hence the story does neither get boring nor too confusing, and the way you slip into the ponies' consciousness changing the perspective.

I'm really looking forward the next chapter (and of course the additional content of the 8th chapter as well), so I better not distract you from your work any further. Just keep having fun writing on it! ;)

Effing adore this story so far. :rainbowkiss:

At first, seeing the length, I thought tl;dr. I am GLAD that I gave this a chance. I spent HOURS reading and reading and reading.

Keep up the great story! Can't wait for chapter 9. :moustache:

Love it!  Cannot wait for more.

Great and exciting story, I love reading it. You have LONG chapters though... but this is very good, good enough that it isn't TL;DR

Much better than Twilight or Vampire Diaries or any other teen vamp romance stories could ever aspire to be :twilightsmile:




I knooow. I promise the chapter page length will never go above 50. Anyway, blame Kkat! She writes big chapters, I write big chapters. But yeah, I'll try not to keep you all waiting too long.

Also fuck all that new age vampire shit. I'm old school.


Is that good?

>>232028Although eager to see what happens next, don't rush it. I am more than willing to wait for however long you need. :twilightsmile:

I hope things can turn out well for Mahara! I absolutely adore her. :rainbowkiss:

Login or register to comment