I am a BIG Rarity fan. I am also one of the biggest Gamers you will ever meet. My favorite MLP FIM episode is a tie between A Friend In Deed and A Dog and Pony Show.
Trixie has always been thought of as a prideful, stuck up showmare. Little does anypony know, she has worn that mask all of her life, and nopony has ever looked past the face that she wears. After she lost everything she had, she had nowhere to go and nopony to rely on. Little did she know that a Glimmering Shadow would be the one who would penetrate the mask she wears.
This is a collab with InsanityCorps, big thanks to him!
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Manly tears are being shed... More soon please.
1863058 Glad you like it.
Hmm, interesting. Another helping please
1863556 Wow you read fast. Glad that you like it. Anything that you did not like?
Review Time and you can't escape it!
The Story: A story with character development for Trixie and tons of flashbacks, seems good to me!
Grade
Well to sum it up I can't really grade character dialogue due too fact that it has original characters involved but perhaps if I may have details on inspiration for the original character in question I may be able to grade that, the plot is a small quite village, I always would have loved to live in a small quite village but in today's modern world it's nearly impossible, I can't predict the story but then again it's been so hard to lately, perhaps due to fact that writing quality increases the more you write, and the story's plot seems awesome as I already mentioned.
So far 10 mustaches until I spot anything wrong with the story's future, also if you like adventure games you should watch the anime I'm posting in my next blog post, it's amazing
Take your mustaches
Continue writing good or the grade shall decrease I'm afraid, I'll keep updates flowing in like a steady river however
1863569 Thanks for the feedback!
Came for bat ponies. Stayed for the plot.
1863726 Glad to hear that you like it.
Oh, my God, that was sad! Sad as in good! Not sad as in... never mind. I cried, that's what I mean, and even My Little Dashie didn't make me cry. While this this started I cried, most likely because it reminds me of old memories, but it has some GREAT writing! You and Insanity make a great team! And, if I may, even better than you and I!
Interesting. Trixie coming across a village of bat-ponies. I will keep an eye on this one.
1870852 I am glad that we have caught your attention.
1863781 Wow... It actually made you cry? I am glad we were able to invoke such emotions through our writing.
Okay, I finally got around to taking a look at this. I'll get the criticism out of the way first:
There are a few rather minor technical issues. Some of narration, especially in Trixie's section borders a bit her just stating how she feels rather than acting in accordance with that, but it's not too pervasive, so it isn't a major issue. Still, it wouldn't hurt to go through and weed out some of the more blatant stuff. Like the bit where Trixie goes and lists all the feelings she has. I.e. instead of adding Loneliness to the list, stick a bit into the narration that demonstrates that she's lonely. Like just stick "or even had a real conversation with anypony" in after "decent meal". There are also a few points where the tense shifts (like in the first paragraph, Trixie jumps between past and present tense), so you need to pick one and stick with it.
The one thing you might want to look into fixing though is the jump in character POV between the two sections. When you switch over to Glimmer, there's no indication that the narration isn't still following Trixie; it isn't until Glimmer states his name that I was aware that it was a different character. Naturally, that made it a bit confusing when she starts talking about how he's a psychologist and whatnot. It's nothing big, but you might want to clarify who the speaker is earlier on. The other thing is that you also might want to clarify that Glimmer is male; I didn't realize that he was until he actually states that he's a stallion.
But on to the good parts. One of the most important elements of writing a story is defining the characters, and you nailed that. The first bit gives a nice insight into Trixie's head. You did a good job of showing some inner conflict there, as well as setting up motivation for her down the road. She has a sense of something that she wants to accomplish or something she wants to escape from; it gives you material to work with.
Same deal with Glimmer; you do a good job of developing him and giving him a backstory that gives him a motivation as well. There's also a solid chunk of development for Moon Song, which gives him someone to play off of. It's quite interesting to see their back-and-forth; it gives the reader a lot of insight into both of them.
In short, you have two well-developed characters who are about to crash into each other, and I'm really interested to see what happens when they meet.
1874256 What can I do to fix the character POV?
1881752 Nothing major, just when you switch to Glimmer, make it more clear that the narrator isn't Trixie. Just have him mention his name (or even his gender) earlier in the narration.
1881876 Okay. I will do that. Thanks again for all the feedback!
1881880 No problem.
I liked... but didn't read. *Fades into background* or maybe I was never here to begin with.
1932386 LOL. Well, if you ever are here for real, please give it a read.
1932704
A man runs upto you in a street, points a gun at you, hands you a laptop, and orders you to read his story.
What do?
Edit: >Rape
He didn't even know what hit him. 
1932746Lemons.
1932751
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1932791 Lemons and apples and grapes, oh my!
1932797
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1932804 Uhhhhhhh...... Kiwis?
1932807
Too far, too far.
1932810 Why you no like Kiwis?
1932816
after all they are the ones responsible for the death of my parents 
*Disappears* or am I?
I used to hate Kiwis
...
I'm not Batman
1932834
Batman eh? Meh, Spider-Man is better.
1932840
Spiderman eh? Meh, Deadpool is better. 
1932860 Forgive me in advance, but who is Deadpool? Go ahead and rage at me, I can take it.
1932863
I'm going to hunt you down, and tickle you teh Le death
Deadpool is basically Pinkie Pie but with Katanas and machine guns
and he wears spandex.
1932888 Okay, so he is a superhero, with all of best ponies crazy randomness? Sign me up!
1932892
Le examples of teh awesome...
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static2.fjcdn.com/comments/It+pleases+me+to+see+Deadpool+making+it+to+the+_d9b53a0f00c4c7a81e76a8b0d5895028.jpg
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Can you even fucking handle it?!
Half of those images failed to come up. The ones that did, well................. I APPROVE!
1932932
They're all working for me.
Which one was it?! it was the one with the Erotic novels wasn't it!
1932888
Yes...
2546851
2546882
/)
2547499
Oh, a brohoof.
How original of you.
2549747
Looks like that is
*puts on sunglasses*
Saiyan something
2550866
What are you inSayan?
2550878
No, I'm a Vegetable
Oh yes I'm interested in this one. More please!