• Member Since 16th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 13th, 2018

dartmaul15


Welcome to one of my stories, or was it one of my blogs? no matter. So here I am, yet nother writer. Read and enjoy. And feel free to PM me if you want anything.

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To see somepony die is painfull. To see somepony die slowly in front of your eyes unable to do anything but watch their life fade away, that is tormenting.
Yet it is this torment Rainbow Dash is experiencing when Applejack is left grievously wounded; knowing her own failure doomed her marefiend. Now Rainbow Dash is willing to do anything to undo what was done, even if it the price turns out to be her very life.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 19 )
Comment posted by DbzOrDie deleted Jan 20th, 2013
Comment posted by dartmaul15 deleted Jan 20th, 2013
Comment posted by DbzOrDie deleted Jan 20th, 2013
Comment posted by dartmaul15 deleted Jan 20th, 2013

I looked at the comments to get an idea of what the fic is like. I find 4 deleted comments... I think I have an idea... :applejackunsure:

1991505 well, it was mostly me and one of my handy helpers who forgot about the new system where a note is left when you delete a comment :ajbemused:
Of course you are getting what the tags tell you, so if you don't agrre with them then i suggest you ignore and move on :rainbowlaugh:
However if the tags brough you here then you are in the right place :twilightsmile:

I really don't see what warranted the dislikes i liked reading it.:scootangel:

1991514

I came because it was placed in the shipping group. I'll read it and then post a more worthwhile comment :moustache:

1991524 let me answer that with appledash.
Appledash fics are notoriously thumbed down by some parts of the society :raritycry: so much for love and tolerate :fluttercry:

1991543
if people dont like shipping then ignore the story. i guess some people are just bored so they thumb down ship fics.

Okay, first off this doesn't deserve all the dislikes it's getting; your paragraphing is just beautiful, and your grammar relatively spotless. I did notice a few errors (mainly your mispelling of the word "below", but I think most of the dislikes actually came by the fact you have a sad/tragic romance, with one of the protagonists dying. When I got here from the shipping group I was expecting a "D'aww" romance. I got this. I certainly withdraw my previous comments; it is in no way as bad as I was expecting, but I did finish it a little relieved. Perhaps it's just because I'm not a huge fan of darker fics, or perhaps it's because the likeliness of the barn collapsing on Applejack being so unlikely.

You didn't explain how Applejack and Rainbow Dash got into a relationship, so the reader fails to really understand what is the two mares see in each other, and we don't get the chance to see them face any obstacles in their relationship either. In the end the reader just can't empathize with Dash and Applejack, or their relationship. I just didn't feel the pain that Rainbow Dash was feeling (despite the fact that you described it so well.)

Of course, this fic is still incomplete. I can, of course, expect more. But I'm just not sure about where you're taking this, and the inkling of an idea I do have I'm not even sure I like.

And then onto your tags: You have Romance, which we barely saw, Slice of Life, which I don't understand why it's there - I don't think a barn collapsing on a protagonist is an "Everday experience", And then you have both a sad and tragic tag at the same time... How did you even manage that? I thought they automatically declined fics that were submitted with that... interesting :moustache:

Tragedy and Sad:
As mentioned in the Categories description: A sad story doesn't have to finish on a sad note. A tragedy does, though. If your story is sad all the way, the tragedy doesn't happen: you are just making things, well, darker, rather than tragic. A tragedy can have some sad moments, but it will only be so if it achieves its purpose of the main characters failing in the end.
-Fimfiction's FAQ Page

Welp, I just wanted to include with two personal criticisms, and the first is your use of the name "Jack". I've never ever heard Applejack referred to as Jack. I've heard Rainbow call her AJ, which I'm fairly sure is her canon nickname, but never Jack. Perhaps you should explain why Rainbow is calling her friend that before using it so constantly.

The second thing was this:

She was currently flying above the first row of snow mushrooms, or apple trees if one wishes to be a prick

Please tell you meant "wishes to be picky" :rainbowlaugh: Made me laugh, either way. I'm not going to pick at your grammar, but this one just came across as a little... strange :rainbowlaugh:

1991725 Yep, i know there's a few errors in it. I'm constantly reading it in hopes of finding them all
Noticed the "incomplete" tag? good. You see, this is the first chapter, and there's more to come. I also tagged it for the overal content in the story, not the chapters posted so far.

To be honest i was a bit unsure wetherr to include slice of life, and i see now it was a wrong decision to include it.

Thanks for the honest feedback, i really appreciate it :twilightsmile:

That was a quick ending.
Just like all the season three episodes! :trollestia:

I loved it! The last chapter ended so quickly!:twilightsmile:

1991725
To be honest I'd have to say the dislikes are likely because I'm three paragraphs in and already I want to set this aside until the author has let an editor go through it a few times. There are incorrect words, faulty capitalization, bad punctuation, and a bout or two of superfluous words. The concept might be promising for a Sad/Tragedy Romance, but I honestly do not want to read it if only because I wouldn't be able to enjoy what might otherwise be a good AppleDash because of the errors.

Give this to an editor. Please. Let them rip it apart on every little mistake they can find, and take their corrections to heart. You'll improve, the story will improve, and people will find it more enjoyable to read. Everybody wins. It can be tough to give someone your work with the express purpose of having them point out everything you've done wrong, but it's better for you in the end.

Edit: You should also look at getting the description corrected. If there are multiple glaring errors right in the description of a fic, many will just downvote it and move on without so much as looking at the first chapter.

2005491 I know. It was written for a competition, so editing is locked until the winner is decided :facehoof:
I ended up "slightly" short on time, and didn't mange to prof read it as long as I intended :raritycry:
I do however plan to give it a large revision once the winner is announced :twilightsmile:

2006593 I'm glad. Once it goes through some heavy review, I think this'll be a good read. I'll wait until then, though, so I can enjoy it properly :P

2006771 I certainly hope so :raritywink:
Now just enjoy yourself on the site, and feel free to read my other stories. If you want that is :yay:

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