(OOC) The Daily Show: Shining Armor
A spinning Equestrian globe followed the words of a charismatic stallion as he began the show in its usual fashion. “February 14th, 2013. From Canterlot Central's News Center, this, is The Daily Show with Jon Stallion.”
The globe was replaced with a camera's view as the show's theme music played over the audience's cheering and stomping. The camera panned backwards from a blue globe and caught the frame of the pony comedian before the focus switched to the main camera that was used for the show. Jon was currently doodling on the notes that he used for his show, his hoof moving back and forth to create an amorphous blob of pen ink. He looked up and smiled as he placed the pen on his desk. “Welcome to The Daily Show! My name is Jon Stallion!” he said to the overwhelming crowd response, which gave the perfect cue for it to die down. “Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. My guest, Prince Shining Armor. He will be here to make sure that the information regarding his empire is... crystal clear.”
The audience laughed as Jon looked at his notes and shuffled a few of them around in embarrassment due to his lame joke. “Over ten writers folks, and that's what we came up with.” he added. Jon sat up in his chair as the words on the teleprompter for his first segment started. The smile disappeared from his face and turned into more of a neutral face as he adopted a more serious tone. “I want to begin with a social problem that has been occurring rather frequently in the news as of late... yesterday. You see, Princess Cadence has recently allowed anypony within the Crystal Empire to marry regardless of gender. This includes gay and lesbian marriages.”
Jon paused to allow the audience to commend the Princess' actions with cheering and stomping. He continued when it seceded. “Now, considering this is a large choice for the princess and prince of the Crystal Kingdom to make, there is of course going to be backlash.”
The view changed to a video clip of Good Morning Equestria with one of the male co-hosts apparently in a rage. He was sitting on the right side of a white couch with his body turned towards the other two co-hosts as he began to speak. “This is a cowardly move on Cadence's part,” the stallion said to the two other hosts, who nodded their heads in agreement.
The video clip was then interrupted with four more clips from various news programs on Faux News. The clips were spliced in such a way so that “A cowardly move” was repeated four times. The camera view changed back to the Good Morning Equestria as the stallion tried to explain his reasoning. “I mean, Cadence is basically rolling over and allowing her subjects to dictate what does and doesn't happen in her empire. Am I right here?”
The clip ended and switched to Jon, who pretended to sympathize with the clips that were just presented. “Oh yes of course, a cowardly move,” he said as he tapped the pen on his desk a few times. “Much in the same way as sitting in a studio and being paid thirty thousand bits a year to talk crap about others, right?”
The audience started to cheer for him as a photo-shopped picture of two crystal hooves holding each other appeared to Jon's left with the words, “Games Ponies Play” provided as the segment title. The cheering stopped and Jon placed the pen in between his hooves as he looked back at the camera. “Alright, alright, I know. Glass houses. Well then, let's hear from somepony who is actually having a part in the political process of Equestria. Possibly from someone who also happens to be a political contributor on Faux News?”
The camera view shifted to a clip of a pony with a light brown coat, blue eyes, and black hair. It was none other than one of the ponies that was picked for the Canterlot Pawngress, Filthy Rich. The stallion was currently wearing a black suit and had a mini microphone attached to his neck, as if his meeting in Canterlot had adjourned. He looked surprisingly ready for this interview. Numerous ponies walked in and out of the background as newsponies and politicians prepared for their daily dump of opinionated news. “Well, I'm not really surprised that the Crystal Empire decided to do this,” Filthy Rich said as he chuckled slightly. “There is a reason that the Crystal Empire is the lowest in Equestria as far as exports and profits are concerned. Princess Cadence is just passing and allowing whatever laws she can in order to try and surpass Canterlot or Ponyville. There is also a reason why Canterlot makes the most profits in Equestria: we aren't focused on irrelevant matters.”
The crowd let out a groan of disgust as the camera switched back to Jon. He was staring at the camera with a surprised face before his expression completely changed. The rage that boiled up inside of him was being subdued by the words on the teleprompter in front of him and his desire to articulate his point without turning into the many figureheads in the media that he worked so hard to disassociate himself from.
The video clip remained on Filthy Rich's smug grin as Jon tapped his pen onto his desk a few more times. He let it go, licked his lips, and responded. “Alright. First of all... It's really hard to take you seriously on matters of morality when you have a golf leaf imprint of a money sign on your tie that you paid with Celestian Government money and wrote off as a tax deduction under the grounds of, 'Company Motivation Booster'.”
The camera view changed to a certain article from EquestrianGovernments.gov with the words, “Gold accentuation: 1000 bits. Company Morale Booster,” highlighted. Jon continued as the camera focused back on him. “And you know what? I'm not even going to touch your whole 'Gay marriage is an irrelevant matter' shtick, because I only have four minutes, and I doubt even Twilight Sparkle could telekinetically pull your head out of your ass!”
The crowd started to cheer again and Jon raised his right hoof to point at the camera while he kept his glare. “Here is the problem,” he said as the clapping died down, “your attitude is completely f(beep)ing wrong. Morality... is not something that can be measured in gemstones and bits. This was a simple decision, which, by the way, doesn't affect your countries in any way, shape, or form. This just gave those who were unable to get married in the Crystal Kingdom due to their preferences the ability to be as miserable as the rest of us married folks!”
The crowd was going to cheer and stomp, but Jon continued before they were able to. His voice was lower than his previous paragraph. “You know what, I get it. You are a businesspony first. That's your special talent, so the numbers are what came to your mind. But this isn't a tax write off paper. This isn't a paycheck. This is actual people being given actual rights. So here, let's make a deal. I will pretend to trust anything economic that you bring up in Canterlot Pawngress meetings and in return, you shut the f(beep) up about anything moral. Because if your response to ponies being given the right to pursue their lovers, marry, and live together in harmony is, 'Cadence is probably just doing it so she can make her country some money,' then you aren't allowed to be in the debate. You don't have to act like your name. You know filthy can be a good word right? We will be right back.”
Jon slapped his blue show papers onto the desk as the camera panned out, which indicated the first commercial break of the show.
~
The applause started back up again as Jon smiled at the crowd. “Hey welcome back!” he said as the applause dialed down. He tapped his papers against his desk in order to organize them into a correct position before he set them down. “As you know, our country has been through a rough transition over the past few years. Choices have opened up to the public, such as television channels, clop choices, and whether or not we should be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle or the bottom. Jason Pones has more.”
The camera view switched to a busy street in Canterlot. Ponies were rushing left and right out of view. Some tried to hurry to get to work, others were simply strolling from one side of the camera view to the other. Their worries about work obviously did not apply. Jason Pones began his voice over introduction. “For generations, Canterlot has always been the foundation of our country's principles, such as wearing dresses that are studded with expensive gemstones.” The camera focused on a white and blue dress with sapphires emblazoned across it. The gemstones gave off a bright light that provided a large lens flare for the camera. “Other principles involve being attacked every thousand years, hosting nearly every public event, but the most important one has to be-”
“Traditional marriage,” a stallion replied, cutting off Jason Pone's voice over.
The camera switched to a light blue unicorn who was standing in front of the National Canterlot Freedom Club building.
Jason Pones continued his voice over in more of a dubious manner. “Yeah, that.” His voice then returned to normal as the camera switched frames to the stallion's office. He was currently signing paperwork and creating picket signs. “Meet Old Ways, the stallion-in-charge when it comes to NCFC's publicity. He has been running the place for three years, ever since the Great Debate. I sat down with him in order to see what kind of new ideas and freedoms he has been fighting for.”
Jason sat down across from Old Ways and smiled as he placed a notebook onto his lap. Old Ways sat down in the opposite chair and folded his forearms over one another. Jason wrote a few notes in order to make sure that he had his facts all straight, and then he asked his first question. “Alright, so tell me what you do here at the National Canterlot Freedom Club.”
The stallion inhaled quietly in order to gather his thoughts before he responded. “Well, we fight for freedom.”
Jason paused from writing in his notebook, a pseudo-serious expression on his face. “Well, yeah,” he responded, slightly annoyed from the predictable answer. “But what do you mean by 'freedom'?”
Old Ways paused and he raised his hoof slightly to try and convey his ambiguity through his hand movements, but a simple half hoof raise was unable to prove anything. His silence was golden.
The camera focus switched to a daylight view of Canterlot's famed art exhibits. Numerous pictures flashed through the camera's field of vision, but not a single one of them conveyed any life. All of the paintings were esoteric blotches of dark color that seemed to drain the soul out of the ones who stared at them. The voice over began again. “Ah yes, freedom. Despite the fact that Canterlot is already under rule by two princesses, and was ruled by a dictator before that... and a single queen before that.”
The view switched back to Jason as he circled something in his notebook. “Okay, now, tell me your definition of freedom.”
Old Ways' blank stare disappeared, but it was replaced with a more adamant expression. “Freedom means... being in a society where we can express our freedom of speech. Our beliefs can't and shouldn't be challenged.”
Jason wrote this down. “And who would make sure that your rights and beliefs would be protected?”
Old Ways paused. “Celestia.”
Jason stared at Old Ways for a moment. The two of them shared a good ten seconds of silence before Jason reached off camera and pulled a dictionary into his lap. “Alright. Now please read the entry that says 'freedom',” he said as he placed the dictionary into the other stallion's lap.
The camera view switched to the outside of the NCFC building, where numerous posters adorned the outside of the building, all of them made by Old Ways. One of the posters read, “One mare, one colt.” Another poster said, “The princesses are not the law.”
“It seems that Old Ways is angry because freedom does not mean what he thinks it means,” Jason's voice over responded as Old Ways read the definition from the dictionary. “Perhaps it's time to get to the bottom of his beliefs and see if they are as free as he thinks he is.”
Jason turned over a page in his notebook. “Alright. We are going to do a little thought exercise. Now, I'm going to say a word, and you just tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Freedom.”
“Traditional marriage.”
“Changelings.”
“Evil.”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “Colt cuddling?”
“Wrong.”
“You know that colt cuddling would be allowed if this country was free, right?”
Old Ways crossed his forelegs and frowned. “Well if freedom allows gay ponies to get married, then I don't want to live in a free country.”
Jason's stare continued until the camera focus changed to an outside view of the NCFC building. “Apparently freedom is a little too tolerant of other pony's ideas to be the belief for Old Ways,” his voice over said. “Perhaps he will find a better slogan, one that exemplifies his beliefs.”
The camera focused in on a new poster that Old Ways was putting up on the wall. The poster had two stallions with a red X painted over the both of them. The slogan was simple, “Gay marriage is wrong because I f$%^ing said so.”
Jon was hiding his chuckles as the camera focused back on him. He slapped his show notes onto his desk. “Jason Pones everybody, we will be right back.”
~
Jon smiled as another commercial had come and gone for his show, and he looked towards the camera as the audience's cheering dissipated. “Welcome back! My guest tonight, he is the prince for the Crystal Empire and was Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard. Please welcome, Prince Shining Armor!”
The audience cheered as Shining Armor walked out from the entrance to the set. He smiled broadly as Jon got up from his seat and walked over to the Prince. The two met halfway near the desk and shook hooves before Jon motioned towards the chair across from his own, near the desk. The Prince sat down and Jon's audience cheered for a few more moments, especially the mares. There were a significant amount of suggestive screams from the crowd. Shining Armor chuckled while Jon took a moment to look over the more muscular stallion. Even when the two were sitting, Shining Armor was still a head taller than him. “It feels like high school all over again,” Jon said with a small laugh.
Shining Armor chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “I won't give you a swirly this time.”
“I very much appreciate that,” Jon replied as he shuffled around his papers. “Now, first off, how are you doing?”
Shining Armor placed his hooves onto the desk and shrugged. The nearby mug on the desk was slowly levitated to his lips, where he took a drink and set it back down. “Doing well,” Shining Armor responded.
Jon nodded his head. “Good. We will get to your wife's decision in a minute. I wanted to ask, what do you think about the ponies who say that you passed this law just to increase your economy?”
Shining Armor shrugged. “I can't really say much else, other than the fact that we didn't do this for the money. Mr. Filthy had a good point as far as our economic scale is concerned. But... he isn't aware of the fact that our economy is still in development. Shifting from the materials that Sombra forced the Crystal Ponies to mine to our own supplies of crystal wool and berries takes time. We haven't really had any exports because of it, but at least my wife's ponies are happy and not hungry. Our priorities are in order.”
The crowd gave Shining Armor an applause break as Jon smiled at his guest. As much as he wanted to dodge the hard questions, most of his program brought up questions that would be a crime to ignore. He looked down at his desk for a moment before he looked back up at the Prince. “I would like to go back to your wife's decision.”
Shining Armor nodded his head and his body seemed to stiffen up. His back hooves pressed against the ground while his forehooves remained on the desk. “Yes of course.”
“What do you think about it?” Jon asked as he moved one of his hooves underneath his muzzle in thought, curious of his guest's answer.
Shining Armor exhaled, but Jon wasn't able to tell if it was from annoyance or relief. “I think that she made the right decision,” Shining Armor paused as he realized the lack of emotion in his response. “What I mean is... I didn't really have a say in this decision. But that wasn't because my wife didn't let me, I just felt that there wasn't any creative input that I could have thrown into the discussion. It's like you said, any gender should have the right to be as miserable as all us married folks.”
Jon found Shining Armor's response interesting. “What do you mean when you say that you didn't have any creative input?”
Shining Armor felt uncomfortable at this question, but it was only able to be shown to those who had interviewed many ponies in the past and was able to tell the breaks in one's character. Even though it was small, the slight shift that Shining Armor subtly performed in his chair was enough of a hint. Jon was about to change the subject when Armor admitted his uncomfortable feelings. “I'm not... completely for same gender marriage.”
Some of the members of the crowd started to grow tense and Jon could tell from the silence. He wasn't worried. A certain feeling was telling him that Shining Armor was going to explain himself. Which he did.
“It's not that I'm against it. I'm just... ambivalent. I mean... I married a mare, obviously.”
“You almost married a monster,” Jon said, which garnered some laughs from the audience.
Shining Armor chuckled. “Well, tell her that she's fat and then tell me that she isn't a monster. But... the point that I want to get at is that,” Armor paused again as he tried to collect the words. “I don't... have anything against it. I just find it different. I've seen some members of the Royal Guard fall for each other. And this isn't just regular, you know... 'I want to f*beep* you' love.”
Jon nodded his head, “The good old 'Cider Love',” he added.
Shining Armor laughed and nodded his head. “Yeah. I understand where some of the ponies are coming from when they say that same gender marriage is weird. I just... wouldn't use the word 'weird'. It lowers the public opinion of their completely valid love when you put it in such a negative way. It's... a bullsh*beep* opinion when they say that gay marriage is immoral. I mean... if my sister fell for another mare, I wouldn't hold anything against her, because there is no reason to. Love is... intangible. It's subjective. One pony's love is not inferior just because it's for the same gender.”
The crowd started to cheer and clap at Shining Armor, who smiled nervously as Jon nodded his head. Armor continued. “I just wish that we could have passed this law without any controversy. It was in place before Sombra, but we had to reenact it since Sombra banned all marriages while he ruled.”
Jon smiled and pointed his pen at Shining Armor in a teasing way. “That's probably the only good thing that he did.”
Armor nodded his head and laughed a few times. “I'm happy with my wife. I wouldn't have it any other way,” he replied as the mug was once again levitated to his lips for a drink.
Jon nodded his head and crossed his forelegs. “Mmhm, spoken like a true whipped stallion.”
The crowd laughed and Jon shuffled around some of his papers as he got to his next point. “So, I wanted to ask about your duties. Compared to back when you were part of the Royal Canterlot Guard, how is being a Prince different from your previous job?”
Shining Armor shrugged. “Not that different. I still get ordered around by a demigod-like alicorn. Only difference is that I now have to sleep with her,” he said with a smirk.
Jon giggled and placed his hoof over his mouth for a moment. “Is that a good thing?”
Shining Armor looked at the camera and then back to Jon, faking nervousness now that he was completely comfortable. “I don't know... I would never do anything to insult my wife. She's always right, after all.”
Jon raised an eyebrow. Being a married stallion gave him a few hints. “So, you had your marriage, you had your honeymoon. It's been around three years. Any ideas about kids?”
Immediately, Shining Armor grabbed Jon and pulled him close. The two of them were staring into each other's eyes as Shining Armor faked a look of pure terror. “Hide me.”
Jon laughed as the Prince let him go and he pointed his hoof at Shining Armor while the crowd once again exploded with cheering and hoof stomping. “Prince Shining Armor everypony! We will be right back!”
~
Jon smiled as the final commercial break ended for his show. “That's our show! Join us here tomorrow at eleven! Here it is, your Moment of Zen!”
The camera switched to a clip of the crew from Good Morning Equestria. The mare was looking at her laptop, apparently searching for something. “Well, I just looked up Colt-cuddling. It looks like some sort of pornographic website.”
One of the other stallions in the group stared at the screen. “I remember this,” he said, completely forgetting that the cameras were still rolling.
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You know those stories that you really, really like when you first read them, and then they update and you think, 'Why did I favorite this?'
This is one of them.
I happened to quite like this episode.
Interesting choice to ponify the Daily Show. I rather liked it. I APPROVE!
Okay then...
I wonder how many Colbert Report and Daily Show episodes you watch just to get the sequence right because you don't miss a beat. Not one my good friend
ponified Daily Show?
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/162/b/8/shut_up_and_take_my_bits__by_poniesbyyou-d5330hj.jpg
2121894
Hate that feel. I've felt it many times.
I think Old Ways was depicted too much as a strawmen/pony of conservative anti-gay. I would like to see him to put a fight, or at least be prepared for a debate.
2122136
I would have liked to see him put up a fight as well. He would have made for better cannon fodder if he was a little more fleshed out with more of his ideas to expose to ridicule.
That ending made me LOOOOOOOOL
Blue likes this, Blue likes this a lot! One thing i would change is that I feel that the segments are to short, I feel that it needs more content... Though that could be because I liked it a lot! Great job, can't wait for more!
2122375
The sad fact is, a lot of interviews on The Daily Show come off that way. I don't know if it's deliberately edited that way or if the interviewee is genuinely that unprepared, but they come off looking dumb anyway.
Debates aside, the feel of The Daily Show was capture quite well. I would support it if this was made a canon part of the Coltbert Report.
Holy shit this is good.
2123455
The interviewee is usually that unprepared. The only one who really made a good debate with Jon Stewart was Mike Huckabee, and even then, the two of them were essentially at an impasse every time that they had an interview. Most interviewees do not expect Jon to be as informed as he is, so they are taken off guard, and lose their debate, assuming they have one.
Lol to the endingf
2122122 See, the problem here is, it's not funny anymore. The counterpoint doesn't even pretend to be anything other than stupid and evil, and Jon Stewart is, as always, annoying and unfunny, so at least you've got the characterization right. Stephen Coltbert, he was funny in the first couple of chapters, but now? God, it's like how conservatives think Stephen Colbert talks!
The problem is, you've taken a serious subject, gay marriage, tried to make it funny, and failed. It's so unfunny I'm in actual physical pain just from thinking about it! It seems the first few chapters were just a fluke; you actually sound less like a bad episode of The Colbert Report and more like a Simpsons parody of The Colbert Report.
2127399
K. Opinions work that way. Read something else then, other than whining about something that you have no control over.
Eeyup
I go to the Colbert Report for faux-stupidity and the Daily Show for smart*** remarks so I definitely approve.
You're doing well so far and you know what, you're absolutely right. "Story" is for chumps.
Please make more John Stallion and Stephen Colbert segments. These are awesome!!!
if u did fox news...
I just caught up from the first 2 chapters. I've been laughing so hard. Please keep up the good work, you do an excellent job of conveying a characters deeper traits despite the "show" limited time.
Yes sleeping with a beautiful, rich and powerful female who will do anything for you like Princess Candace is such a chore.
No. Anyways quite up Dash I don't want AJ to get the wrong Idea.
Ummm... nothing... nothing at all, um me and Dash he is Just talking about the The Daily Show with Jon Stallion.
Rainbow Dash shut up, or I tell Apple Jack who broke that apple cart last week.
Yeah it did broke but I did Fix it.
MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr
To be honest this chapter was a bit lacking for me, maybe its that I just don't find the debate for gay marriage to be funny. The interview with Shinning Armor was good.
I do have one nit pick about this chapter though and that is I feel you were a bit too hard on Filthy Rich. He has his right to his opinions too, and not everybody's morals line up perfectly which is way gay marriage is such a heated debate in the first place. From the impression I got from the one episode of the TV show Filthy Rich was in, he's kind of a nice guy I would love to see him come in for one of these interviews in a future chapter and hold his own in a debate with these guys.
With the exception of that hiccup from this chapter I have found this fic as a whole to be an enjoyable read and look forward to future chapters.
I too felt a little iffy about Filthy Rich being characterized as more of a bigot, but I find it'd make more sense to use him for such a character than anypony else from the show (though of course, an original one could've been used instead). Still, I find that his portrayal wasn't quite damning, I feel he could be brought back and shown in a more positive light pretty easily.
Anyway, I enjoyed the focus of this one-off chapter, and definitely enjoyed Shining Armor. In fact, I regret that this chapter was more of a one-off because it may leave that whole thing as noncanon in the main story, but I can just headcanon either that Coltbert had Shining as a guest and did basically the same thing, or that Celestia gets her hooves on Jon Stewart, too.
Anyway, I'm glad I gave this fic a chance, definitely adding to my favorites. Keep up the good work, sir.
Another awesome ponification. You got the Daily Show "voice" perfectly, to the point that I had the exact the same feelings of meh from reading the mid-show segment and watching it. Your way of depicting Jon's mannerisms and spontaneity when reacting to the stories he is presenting was particularly good.
Can't say I want more of this (since I doubt this could be kept fresh for long), but I loved it for what it was. I kinda hope that you keep the things presented here in the continuity of the main story.
By the way, isn't it ironic that in this version the Coltbert Report spawns the Daily Show?
Well if gay marriage is banned in Equestria... there goes all my favorite shippings... crap.
So is Jon Stallion Jon Stewart that has been brought to Equestria by Celestia? That would explain what he's been doing away from The Daily Show for the past couple of months.
I didn't see this before.