127
959
a new bureau has opened up in Utah's dixie, St George.
the manager is a tall skinny english Doctor who likes to speak in giberish and his pony counterpart.
his main goal is to hear the stories of all those who pass through his bureau.
or die trying.
thanks for the comments.
and sorry about all the massive mistakes.
i dont really like to use capitals and apostrophies and commas a lot. it makes the other letters sad.
on a more serious note i dont really have a proof-reader. i am more trying to.. get the idea out on paper (as it were) before i forget it.
Btw, glad to see you're having fun with this - but yes, you need to fire your current/previous proofreader.
out of a cannon.
to the moon.
Read a lot more, see how it's done right, and learn the basics - once you've got that, everything else will follow. Capitalization, punctuation, sentence structure - to ignore these rules and conventions takes a defter hoof than yours. having said that, practice makes perfect, you just need a lot of practice.
Gonna have to second Hilltopper. It's a great story, but you're just embarrassing yourself here. You're better than this. There's also one or two tense usage issues in the first chapter.
Could you put spaces between paragraphs too? It makes the story much easier to follow. (Every time you start a new paragraph, hit "Enter" twice.)
gonna write a whole bunch of comments here for starters everything feels lumped together sometimes its hard to follow because you have sentences describing more than two ponies in them and then that sentence is followed up by the word he and i dont know who he is who is he
You would have a lot more readers if you could clean up this fic. I can actually see this on the front page. The story is good. Done reading for now sadly, I can't follow this without headache. Good luck on your fic.
coming from you midnight that is a great thing
as for the proof-reader.. i did not have one and techically still dont have one.
but this right now is to get it out on paper. i will fancy it up later.
>>steben
i am trying my best and with me i usually fall back on which point of view i was focusing on the most.
usually it is human ten but as that chapter tosses in Victor it could also be him.
i will try harder and also include the doublespace... if i remember.
If you ever need a listening program, my audio sensors are always open. I have to go search for suprise. she and i have some .PRNK file sharing to do.
i think i just went from liking this story to not understanding. whats all this about programs, .prnk files, and other stuff along those lines? if those are humans then why do i suddenly feel like this is some big sim program?
thats just the way G4L1ND4 talks.. she is a tech head and i was trying to show that through how she talks.
she basically said "if you need someone to listen. my ears are open. now i need to go find suprise. she and i have some pranking to do."
i am trying to keep her language simple yet high tech.. 
I just started tracking your story; with so many on the site, it can be hard to find things sometimes.
I am enjoying this.
I once lived in St. George for six months. Loved the orange-red martian rocks. Used to go out into the desert back then. There was this place, about a mile or two out from where I lived (trailer park, my dad made maps so we moved a lot, this would have been, like 1973 or something) that was like some kind of Martian city made of out of that bright, orange-red rock. It was awesome.
Hated the religious nuts. Fuck. Just... Fuck. And the teachers I had were severe. Wow.
But I loved that red desert.
Keep going. You are doing swell.
Actually, I wanted to do better than just 'good yay.'
You have taken the ideas and constructs from the Bureau mythos - including a lot of my own contributions, and woven them brilliantly together. With regard to my observation that souls are magic by definition, and that Earth is a profoundly low-to-zero magic universe, you have done a brilliant job with the scene between the living deities of Equestria and the poor little newfoal and the constructed image of her old unreal god. That was amazing, and the Celestia and Luna I imagine would be so kind if they felt the situation demanded it, to do such a thing to ease a newfoal through her Conversion.
I am sorry I didn't say more before; you are writing with all of your heart and mind, and I can see that. I was not friendly to fail to say more than I did.
I want to say I appreciate your effort, and that you are telling an interesting story. I want to encourage you because I want to see more. And I want to say I liked what you did there, and what you are doing.
In real life, I tend to have problems gauging what people mean when they say something, so I often ask questions for clarification, hence my previous post.
In regard to your kind words, Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear that there are people who like what I've made, and I'll most definitely try my hand at writing again.
yeah. the chapter before was up to me. i had to leave the "mythical" pathways open for those who wanted to take that route.
but Ray brilliantly took what i wrote and advanced it to a point where i could not beleave.
it is like i built a quicksand deathtrap and he added spiders, snakes, spikes, and aligators hanging from the roof!
SIR! weve detected a continuity error down in sector 3J
aww f*** is it that idiot timelord again?
umm let me check. *leafs through pages* initial reports say yes sir.
.....i hate my job..... well lets mobilize a team...
actually management wants us to simply observe for now.
WHAT.
You need to fire your editors. Out of a cannon. At the moon.
Check your tenses, check your structure, both are awful. The story is interesting, however.
Please read the omnibus and the writing guides from EqD, they cover a lot of these things, and learn what good structure is because the above doesn't have it.
My comment probably sounded harsher than I intended - you need to do a lot of work on your fic for it to measure up, but I am enjoying the story. The basics aren't too hard, you just need to keep trying to better yourself. You break into present tense a lot where you should be using past tense, and you prematurely end lines in odd places. You also tend to mix up which ponies are speaking.
Watch out for that, but do keep on writing.
And sorry, right now I don't get the quote.
Where are ponies mixed up? I've been reading the story the whole time, the only thing I have to say about improving the chat might be to make sure each character is on a separate line/paragraph. That's a note for many stories though, since I've seen multiple stories by different people placing 2 or more people into the same line or paragraph of talking.
Aside from that note which I'm not entirely sure is needed I find the story to be awesome.
God damn. That was so real.
Because humans do that, have done that, and in some parts of the world, are doing that right now.
Which is why it works in the story, of course, because we know our own species very well, all of us, don't we?
Some say Conversion Bureau stories are misanthropic. No. Just authentic.
Well written. Very disturbing.
Personally I liked the
"sales froze and turned around.. seeing the conversion room still void of any life but himself.
"w-woah.. creepy." he said opening the door."
better than
"He pushed the door, finding it locked. The keypad on the door was different, two buttons on the mechanism.
F O R G E T
R E M E M B E R
Sales pressed the second button. He did not know why he chose it, or what they meant, but it did not matter. He knew it was what he had to do."
It gave the place a more creepy feel, like remembering the events, rather than feeling like being inside a machine. Another reason to keep the "w-whoa creepy" is because I really would say that in said situation.
however having the character not comment at all sometimes makes the character seem, bland, unfeeling, ect. this is one of the times when it makes it seem like you tried to make "me" seem bland, unfeeling, ect. To be honest, I felt that the Doctor Who esque buttons completely defused the situation making it like a "confused wth?" rather than a "ok that was creepy"
Without the button, it is creepy, and the character saying so just means that they notice it. If they are talking to the audience then they are breaking the 4th wall
I've only just read this, and I can only say that I am glad that both of you have kept at this - you have improved in leaps and bounds. The nightmare scene where he has to confront what happened - both times, in the dream and in the flashback - were both uniquely moving. The twist was amusing, so I can only assume it was either the strawberries, or Luna playing a prank of pranks. 
I like this chapter a lot, even the (perfect) description of what would be a medevil version of my story, and the cover image were great.
I gotta wonder if Ray10k had looked up my story, or if Kai was the one who came up with the cover image description.
Either way keep up the good work
, and to Ray10k, Please remember that her name is Rainbow Spring, not Rainbow Springs, there is no s at the end.
>>316628 well the great chatoyance can use the strawberry flavored and try it out. perhaps we can get a perspective of life as a new foal newfoal. i wont be touching too much into sales' point of view due to trying to get the story to progress. but liken to the R63 it is now out there for anypony to drink.
>>316093 Truth be told, no. I haven't looked up your story.
Kryxel gave me a line describing the cover of the book, plus a bit about the protagonist saving the world. I just took that and ran with it.
Still, I am glad you like it, and I'll take a look at your story later today.
true. Still, fact remains that for every time he tried to show mercy to a Dalek, they forced his hand into killing dozens if not millions of them in return.
Additionally, more than once did the Dalek show some form of fear when he was involved (backing away when he'd shout at them etc.)
Imagine how much they must fear him, if they could...
well i had to think...
what circumstances would a full song and dance number become so "normal" that people dont react to them in show.
then i remembered lyra, and how magic flows through everything, and how pinkie seems to radiate her own magic... and 2+2+2=6
but drop it into a person whos show (doctor who) never has a musical number in it at all exept where there should be (clubs, cruses, weddings, stages ect) and it would seem rather odd.
I was thinking about the question on Daleks. Since the actual Dalek is inside the "pepperpot" and looks kind of like a crab or spider, I suppose it would actually just convert into a pony in a similar fashion to humans converting into ponies in the story. I don't remember if there was anything specific about their environmental requirements (whether they breathe oxygen, etc.), but they would have to be pulled out of the machine to be converted anyway.
Oh, PLEASE pony! You thrill me to pieces with Ginger and Nutmeg, and you won't be including them further? Break my heart, why don'tcha?
I was soooooo excited to see Team Rumpguard there, and so honored. Oh, come on... more of them... Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeze????????
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
3
28
199
Joined December 2011
959 ( 16,229 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*reads*
Cancel
Send