Derpy dreams about the time she met Dinky's father, the love of her life.
Many dawwws were had while writing this, I hope just as many are had when you read it.
Some descriptive gore.
Proofreaders: Da Beejees (DaBeejees on fimfiction) and killerbart6
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To reiterate, As this is my first story feel free to tell me how little/much you like it.
to bad i dont have time to read it right know, but im shure its going to be great! just to tell you, dont feel bad what people say aout your story. i just made a new story to. people can be harsh. just remember, keep your head up high. dont let people get in your head.
135751 Thanks for your comment. I've been told on multiple occasions that I'm a good writer, by friends, family and panels of judges, but honestly I'm my harshest critic.
Flawless Victory.
For Hours?!??!?!?!
Hmmmm. There's something that bugs me... but I can't really phrase it, though...
The writing seems... off. I felt disconnected from the story on the first half of it. I don't know why.
The style itself helped to disconnect me, I mean- It's a wall-of-text. Try to separate some parts from the others. I know this isn't a story-wise complaint, but it's bad on the eyes.
"Also, make sure to hit the return key twice when a character's done his part of the dialog!"
135857 Yes. For hours
135835 Thank you, I really had an easy time writing this- it just flowed out.
135896 Oh, yeah.... I was in a frenzy of writing when I started this. I woke up at 3 am and just started writing.
I'll edit to make it easier, thank you for your constructive criticism.
That was awesome, though, that wuz a long chapter so im hitting the hay. Keep going and don't give up on this fiction.
A very nice story! You did well on Charity; he's got his own foibles and personality, and isn't just some cardboard cutout for Derpy to fall for. I like this. Giving muffins an emotional tie into celebrating events in their lives, good or bad, was a very nice effect.
Writing wise, there are some small technical issues you can work on, such as paragraph/new dialogue indentation, but I'm not really going to harp on that. If you like writing, then keep at it. Things like this work out with practice as you find your own style. The only real glitch I'll mention is continuity; you had one place where you referred to Derpy as Ditzy. I know this is usually a matter of choice, so either one's fine; just stick with one or the other and don't switch. I can understand how easy this is when you have "Derpy," "Ditzy-Doo" and "Dinky" running around in your head; sometimes the brain trips over this. Don't sweat it too much. :)
Very well executed. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
135912 I definitely won't, seeing as it's done now. I uploaded the chapters so quickly mainly because otherwise it would come off to overbearing on the romance. You'll see what I mean in the first two chapters.
135946 Thank you. I'm editing it now to make the "wall of text" feel diminish. Thank you for your comment, and I will definitely be writing more fiction.
Very well written and really a great story.
Definitely one of my favorite stories now.
136014 Really?
I'm glad you liked it, and I might just write an epilogue. Make the ending happier.
So much d'awwws, but also so much sadness.
135803 yah i know what you mean, just keep writing!
4.8/5?
138764 check out my new fic, it's going to be updated today. It's a bit of a follow up to this, but it's not overly plot based on this story.
136046
I am such a sucker for Derpy stories but besides that I liked your style of writing and overall the tone was sweet and not just overtly sad. Nice job!
Great story man, I truly enjoyed it.
142333 Why thank you. Be sure to read the next fic- it's tied in a bit, but it's a story all it's own anyway.
Pretty good story. I'm going to give a full review for my webcast. If you want I could send you a link to the video when I finish it.
143807 I would absolutely love to watch it.
143870
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_ifpRjqjLw&feature=colike
Finished the review. Let me know what you think.
144794 I told you in the comments.
Great story. Manly tears were almost shed at the end.
160414 ALMOST? IT IS NOT SAD ENOUGH!
*sniff* <- there. happy?
Interesting every time to snivel about, all the while having a smile on.
Even though you can see his demise coming up, I couldn't shake this 'all is gonna be fine'-feeling in the back of my head.*
I guess Charity is really radiating out of the story.
Perfectly written. Have a [praise] -stamp!
* ..for the sake of completeness: Well, of course technically I could have.
Same as I could have steeled up and supress feeling a thing altogether while reading the story.
But firstly, why would I do so (and if I intended to, what would I read it for, then?),
and secondly If you go 'manual override' on your feelings too often you slowly lose your ability to get it back to 'auto'. Trust me.
But let go of controll and that will come back. Sometimes that's what I read stories like this for.
173032 LIKE A BOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
COMPLETE TAGS BE DAMNED.
I AM GOING TO WRITE A GODDAMNED EPILOGUE. NOW.
Edit: Sometime... Eventually... DAMNIT.
Yay~~~
Great work on here, man!
Of all of the different ways that people portray Derpy, yours is definitely one of my favorites. The entire story was very compelling, I couldn't stop reading until I was done!
Keep up the good work!
186754 Y thank you.
Beutiful. Well writen good sir.
Good Day
Hey Johnfreemanwepon, I just finished reading this story and I really enjoyed it.
I am going to send you a message on twitchtv so I don't have to worry about spoilers in case someone reads this comment before they read the story, and if you are reading this first stop and go read it! you will like it ^^.
Edited for your delectation
Very beautiful. I love how you gave Muffins a symbolic meaning.
347799 Holy crap, people are still reading this?
Thank you for your comment. Compliments are always welcome
Honestly, this isn't really the best that I've ever written, but this was one of my favorite stories (pony related or otherwise) to write.
awsome story dude, almost broguht tears to my eyes with how touching it was.
414993 that was the goal
i would say that manly tears were shed, but i'm a 14 year-old girl. so i guess womanly tears were shed.
423653 Those are still acceptable.
I'm just surprised this is actually getting attention.
583789 He verbally attacked RD, physically attacked the pony who was bullying Derpy.
Personally, I feel that he SHOULD have reacted the way he did. RD was questioning his love as a friend of Derpy, while the bully was just being a chronic dick.
588653 I said he punched him in the face quite specifically.
590223 Nope, he punched the bully once. But what do I know, I only wrote the thing.
Oh my Celestia. That has to be one of the most beautiful stories I have ever read.
594478 <3
Thanks...
That was very romantic!!! I almost cried while reading it. Good job
:facehoof
Right as charity died "Dying in your arms by Trivium" started playing...... So sad
. This was a great story, I really loved it. Haven't really had a good read like this in a while. I'm already a few chapters into "A dash of fire" (Which is what actually brought me here in the first place) and I'm absolutely loving it
747038 Why thank you, sir/ma'am!
The sequel is quite well underway.
i started reading a dash of fire, and it said to read this first, i really don't like derpy much, so i ignored it until after chapter 1. then i said "oh buck it" and after this chapter, i say. this is pretty good, fantastic job sir, toy deserve a mustache... or TWENTY!!!
