I'm a male 16 year old who lives in Toronto. I like ponies, Magic The Gathering, and anime. I'm not very good at writing bios.
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I awoke to the expected sight of a hasn't-been-washed-in-months mattress, along with the less than wanted expected smell. I glanced over at my old bedside clock. 11:00. One hour before the shop opens. If this was any other day, I'd stay in bed for a bit longer, since it takes all of 5 minutes to get myself and the shop ready for the day. Today though, was different. I felt a strange feeling of wanting to do my best today, and of resolve to get out of bed this very instant.
I stood up, and rubbed the grogginess out of my eyes. What's happening today, again?...OH RIGHT, TODAY'S LYRA'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB!
I was already in the bathroom before my mind thought to ask itself "What the hell are you doing?". "Taking a shower," the other half of my brain replied. "Why are you taking a shower?". Uh...good question? I don't really need to look my best today, it's not like I have to impress Lyra or anything. I'm already here I guess, might as well take a shower anyways...
I wonder when the last time I used this thing was...wasn't there some reason I stopped using it--OH CELESTIA WHICH ONE OF YOU HALVES CONVINCED ME TO GET IN!? Right, the hot water for the shower broke a few weeks ago...I really haven't washed since then? Celestia, I must smell like shit.
After I quickly dunk my head in the sink (yeah, like that would help), I am once again sitting at my familiar counter. I turn on the Weather Network, and see that the time is 11:07 now. I've got some time to kill. A drop of water falls from my mane, and splatters on my desk. I look back at the TV again. 24 degrees Celsius and sunny...maybe it's time I reunite with Celestia.
Soresaddle Street, while lively with illegal activities at night, looks like just a bunch of rundown businesses and abandoned
warehouses in the day. And some of these businesses are actually pretty rundown, or just indefinitely closed. Ever since the Ponynet's popularity exploded, where lewd material can be found for free online, and where drug info is no longer hard to find, either, less people are visiting porn shops, and less people are being shepherded into doing things they'll later regret. There used to be many more porn stores on this street, and my dad experienced some pretty steep competition from them, but we held on, and almost by pure coincidence we are the last one standing. Now the only businesses that are still actually open are the Mareborough, the Knife and Apple, the sex toy shop a bit further down the street, the struggling adult theatre Dirty Rich's House of Mares, and a seemingly random convenience store. It's a good thing it exists though, or else I might be too lazy to feed myself.
As I come out of my reverie, I realize I was subconsciously walking to the park. I look up at the sun, and it hurts my eyes more than it should. Blotting out my windows is a necessity in this business, but it can't be healthy. I don't even have a window in my room. I look off in a random direction to get away from the blinding light, and happen to look directly at a random mare. She gasps, and immediately acts like she's extremely interested in one of her hooves. Curious, I look in other directions as I walk. Are people really avoiding my gaze? Is my reputation that widely known? Is it my damn cutie mark? Or do I just smell?
Smell, luckily though, does not impede movement, and I soon enter the park. I find a nice bench, and stretch lazily on it. The sun's a little bit too hot, but it just feels...right. I raise from my posture, and look in every direction. Fillies playing jump rope together, a father and his colt playing catch, and an old stallion playing a game of chess with a pony half his age. Maybe I should try to be more than the malodorous slacker who runs a lewd business. It feels like if I would just turn the page, my life would be very different...
But, hell, who am I kidding? I'm not one for all this philosophical fop. The only "meaning of life" you'd ever catch me talking about is Monty Python's. Now that I think about it, why did I just think that? I act before I think sometimes, but this time I thought before I thought? I wonder which half of my brain got me started on this whole thing...
One thing I know for certain though, is that right now both halves are agreeing on something. That that flower over there is really nice.
Lyra arrives right on time.
I look up from the counter and smile. Lyra is standing cheerily in the doorway, burdened only by two yellow saddlebags.
"Hey Lyra," I say, getting out of the chair. "You ready for your first day on the job?".
"Sure am, Sly," responded Lyra. She walked behind the counter, magicked her bags onto it, and then sat down in the chair. I pulled up a little stool, and sat down beside her. For some reason, I was giddy with excitement. I could barely wait to see what awesomeness this day held for--wait a second...
"Lyra..." I said. "What the HELL are you doing?"
"Sitting..." she said.
Well, she was sitting, but in a way that was seriously freaking me out. She had her back resting on the back of the chair, with her forelegs resting on both sides of it, and her legs dangling. It did not look healthy.
"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.
"No, this just feels natural to me!" Lyra shouted back at me. "I've been sitting like this my whole life."
"Okay, whatever you say..."
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" Wow, Lyra's pretty quick to anger.
"Actually, I always watch over my employees on their first few days on the job. Make sure they've got everything down."
"Oh," said Lyra. She relaxes again. "I guess that's fine...what was some other employees's first day like?"
"I've only ever had one other employee."
"Well, what was their first day like?"
"I really don't want to talk about it."
A few moments passed. This was a pretty awkward silence. Not at all what I was hoping for. Criticizing her probably was not the best way to start off a conversation.
"Nice flower," said Lyra. I had set up the violet-blue tulip in a jug of water on the side of the counter. I'm not sure if it really went with the whole atmosphere the rest of the place was creating, but for today, it just felt right.
"Thanks," I replied.
More awkward silence. I watched the seconds on the Weather Channel tick up. A minute passed. Two. Three. Four...dammit, this might turn out to be as boring as any other fourteen hour shift, and twice as awkward!
Lyra apparently shared my frustration. She huffed a little bit, and then sighed. "Listen, I'm sorry," she said.
"What are you sorry for?" I asked.
"For shouting at you, and all. It's just that this morning, Bon-Bon called and said her and a bunch of my other friends all had no classes today, and asked if I wanted to hit up the new mall with them. I have this new job, though, so I turned them down. Bon-Bon then asked me what store I was working at, but I didn't really want to tell them, your...establishment being what it is..."
"Well, then I guess I'm the one that should be saying sorry..."
"No, no. I really do need the money, and I see my friends pretty often anyways."
"Okay," I said. A few more moments pass. Not agai--
"I just wished we had something to talk about though," Lyra said. "Like, usually work is a fallback topic that everyone's comfortable talking about, but this"--Lyra made a sweeping gesture over the store--"is not a comfortable topic."
I was about to just boringly agree with her again, but a little voice then popped up in the back of my head. Time to make this day a little more interesting, it said. Good idea. I've got nothing to lose by doing this, but it would be so much easier to say this if I had a little alcohol in me...
"Well..." I said, as suave as I could. I even put my eyes at half-mast. "We could still talk about"--I made the same sweeping motion--"this." Wow, that came out pretty good.
Lyra looked a little surprised by my reaction, though I think I was more surprised than she was. Her head darted in a few directions before she sighed. "Sure, let's try that," she said.
Yes, now this conversation was about to get nice and juic--
"DELIVERY!" yelled a voice from the doorway.
Fuck. "Come in..." I grudgingly said. I took the box of Mareboros down from the shelf. So close...
In came a tall, lean stallion with a medium-sized box precariously balanced on his back. He was wearing the violet-blue uniform of the Equestrian Postal Services, and had an ecru-coloured coat, as well as a poofy coffee-coloured mane.
"I have a package here for a Mr. Clop," he said.
Lyra did a cute little giggle. I was about to tell him not to call me that, but if it makes Lyra sound that precious, I'll let it slide. I instead just simply stated that I was "Mr. Clop", making Lyra giggle even more. The postpony set the package down on the counter, and I signed the form.
I popped a cigarette into my mouth as the guy left, not sure whether to be angry or grateful. I eventually settled on grateful, as on top of Lyra's giggles, I now had an unopened box of...conversation starters on the desk.
"Well!" I said, overly cheerfully. "Let's get this thing open!"
I started peeling off the tape with my teeth. Lyra looked to be getting a bit nervous again.
"I know!" she exclaimed. "Why don't we turn on the radio?" Damn, how did she spot that thing so quickly? I keep it kinda half-hidden on a shelf under the counter, since I'm more of a visual guy, and don't usually turn it on. It's kinda old anyways. Whatever, she just probably ruined the show-and-tell I wanted to do with these porn movies.
I could definitely become more of an audio guy though. The radio just happened to be playing the one song that wouldn't ruin the mood. I started furiously tearing at the tape, hoping to make it to the goods inside before the chorus came on. Lyra just got even more nervous, but she also looked a bit too dumbfounded to do anything about it.
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...I work out
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...filly look at that body
Ahh...I work out
When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everypony stops and is staring at me
I had now opened the box. I blindly picked up the first DVD with my mouth.
I've got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it
I slammed the DVD down on the counter.
I'm sexy and I know it
Lyra and I burst out into hysterics. On the front of the DVD was a large blue stallion standing on his back legs with a wild look in his eyes. You could easily tell that he was...very well endowed. I couldn't have planned for this to go any better.
We laughed for a good minute. "Okay okay, enough," said Lyra. She turned off the radio.
"What do you think of this guy?" I said nonchalantly.
"Ugh," replied Lyra. "Way too brash with his presentation."
"Agreed," I said. I shoved the DVD out of the way, and slammed the next one down. This one depicted two young mares making out on a bed. Almost everything on the DVD cover, including the ponies themselves, was pink. The DVD was called My Super Sweet 16, written in bubbly and obnoxious letters.
"What about this one?" I said.
"Meh," said Lyra. "My door swings straight, so I don't really care for the fillyfooling stuff. A bit too loud, as well. Pink's not my favourite colour."
"I agree, sista," I replied. I'm trying to walk a line between suave and comical, without going into either territory too much, but I'm not sure if I'm succeeding.
The next one showed basically what a mouse would see if it was looking up and diagonally left at a stallion giving it to a mare.
I cringed a little. "I don't really like this one," I said.
"Me neither," said Lyra. "Leaves nothing to the imagination. You should tease the audience a bit more before you reveal everything."
I pounced at my opportunity. "So, you like teasing?" Bam! Suave success!
Lyra blushed. "Well, I guess...I just like a little foreplay before it all happens."
I took another puff off my cig. It was helping me put together the suave image pretty well, though it was almost out by now. I would need all of my suaveness for this next line.
"So, tell me Lyra..."--exhale--"...how often do you observe?" Bam! Hit that nail right on the head!
Lyra's blush deepened. "Um...". She paused. Come on, this is getting pretty juicy...
"Not very often, I guess," she finally said. "I live alone, but still only once a week at the most."
There it is! If we are flirting, this is a pretty strange way to do it, but hey, I like it.
"Same here, actually," I said. Lyra looked pretty surprised at this.
"Really?" she responded.
"Yes, really. You might think that I do it all the time, because I'm in the business, but I really don't, with all the late nights. And even when I do have the night off, I usually hang out at the gentlecolt's club across the street. My buddy owns the place."
"You mean the whorehouse?"
"I guess you could call it that. It's a bit more esteemed than that though. It's actually pretty nice. I could take you there sometime if you want."
"Nah..." A little bit of a pause. "Damn, I can't believe you got that out of me." Wow, that's the first time I've heard Lyra say anything even a little bit obscene.
I did a little snicker. "Ah guess that means ah'm tha most dashing of ponays in the whole coun'ay!" I said in an exaggerated Appleloosan accent.
Lyra guffawed. Yeah, I know that wasn't the best comeback, but hey, it worked pretty well!
My cigarette ran out, and I put it in the ashtray on the counter. I then lit up a new one and got out of the stool. "Let's put the new releases on the shelf, shall we?"
"Sure, Sly," responded Lyra.
It was now about 7:00 PM. The day had actually been pretty eventful. We got a few of the regular types of ponies you see in a porn shop, which was good, since it allowed me to educate Lyra on them. The fat perverse stallion who's probably never seen anything of a real mare his whole life. The newlywed colt/mare who thinks that porn would be a great gift for their partner (hint: it isn't). The openly gay stallion who thinks the nether-regions of stallions are "absolutely marvelous". The actually-under-18-but-trying-to-hide-it colt, who you can usually tell apart by their nervous behavior and shivering. Or just their lack of identification when asked.
Lyra and I had talked about a lot, as well, and we really started yapping after I brought down a six-pack from the minifridge upstairs. She talked all about how she got into college, how she discovered her love for the lyre, and we dabbled in which colts on campus are hot, and which are not. She also tried to get me to believe this half-assed science theory she has that because of the way some Equestrian objects are designed, there is a planet in an alternate universe full of bipedal hairless apes that are as smart as us. Yeah, like that's true.
I talked a lot more, though, since I really just had more interesting things to talk about. How I started working here, what the Knife and Apple is like, and a few memorable experiences here with Doctor Whooves. I even told her about his first day in the end, which she thought was a riot.
Unfortunately, it was now time for her to leave. I wished her goodbye. Just before she walked out the door, she turned around.
"On hotequestrians.net, search 'Hot Stallion Gives it to Petite Mare'. It's my favourite," Lyra said. She then quickly dashed out the door.
My jaw practically hit the floor. With "recommending porn" checked, Lyra and I have now done everything the Doctor and I have done in-store, besides watching porn together (which was very awkward, if you were wondering). And that was only her first day! She's not very wild when she's had a few drinks, but she's pretty open-minded.
I guess I could take a break right now. I have been working seven hours already, and I need to work seven more. While I'm on my newly-decreed break, I guess I could also check out that video...oh, who am I kidding, that's the only reason I'm giving myself a break in the first place!
I quickly put a "Back in 5 minutes" sign on the door, and dashed upstairs. I turned on my computer, and searched up the video. The thumbnail looks good, it's a fine length...yeah, I could clop to this. I don't think I should go into further detail here.
About five minutes in, the video finally starts to get really steamy. Lyra does like foreplay, definitely. I can see why this is her favouri--
"Hey Sly, I forgot my saddlebags! Do you know where they ar--"
I dared to look behind me. Lyra was standing in the middle of my bedroom doorway. Yes, she had obviously seen. We both started sweating.
"Heh heh," she said. "Oh look, there are my saddlebags! Right by the minifridge!"
IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA, WHY DID I BRING THOSE BAGS UP HERE!? THE FRIDGE DOESN'T NEED TO CARRY ITS STUFF ANYWHERE!! Lyra quickly magicked them onto her back, and nervously trotted to the doorway.
"Uh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then! Bye!"
And then she was gone again. That was definitely not according to plan...
Scratch what I said a while back. Lyra and I had now technically done everything in the shop me and Doctor Whooves had. And the "watching porn together" part of that was even more awkward than the last time.