Some time before LittlePip's emergence, Dazzling "Dodo" Dusk, the only pegasus mare of Stable 96, driven with her lust for adventures, comes outside into snowy mountains of Northern Equestria where she meets Jester, a chaotic and joyful half-zebra mare. Together, they start their quest for ancient Equestrian history and mythology, when they suddenly have to confront a powerful fraction which seeks a great secret of the past to use in their own favor.
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Sorry, no spoilers in comments.
Thank god the cover art isn't a fucking abomination like some other ones i've seen. You get some bonus points for the filter effect on it, though.
Thanks. We try to do our best about presentation. There is some music, too: here and
here
I want to make a full soundtrack to accompany the story.
This is beautiful good sir. I know not how you have obtained
such a high level of detail...
~Vocal
hmm, pretty good start, though the one thing which I don't get is why can't she go back to the stable? can't she just climb back down the shaft?
anyway...I don't see any spelling errors, or any grammar mistakes either, but there is a lack of...how do I put this...flow, though that's probably from the rough translation, it doesn't really detract from the story, just that some of the sentences are awkwardly phrased, and they don't 'flow' together (like rough edges), not sure how to address it though...
Thanks for such wide comment )
About Dodo's return problem.
1: She doesn't want to go back cause of horrible corpse with very nasty smell around. Now she is not ready to feel it all again. Morally, not physically.
2: Isn't it interesting to search some cool stuff on the Surface? huh?
this is Great! i like where this is going...although, i notice you said "Bondage" i think you mean "Bandage" ... bondage has an entirely different meaning.
Whoops!
Fixed that! Thanks. :)
Another pegasus from a vault
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/a/image/1337/11/1337114944518.jpg
Y U NO MESSAGE TO ME ABOUT THIS? Well congrats for posting this to fimfiction
I came here to check my notifications, and then I saw another fic had been added. Like always, I usually read the description, and never really do much after that from there (as Sweet Brown put it very well, "Ain't nobody got time for that."), but I usually ride a free bus to get around, which is called the Green Line (which I was riding when I checked my phone for the FiMFiction notifications), and after seeing the title of the first chapter, I just had to read it. You are very well written, and your story seems to be on the track of a great adventure, and I can gladly claim that I will continue to read this great story!
So far so good. Don't stop)
NB: I removed "Sex" and "Gore" tags, since I noticed they scare people away and we are NOT going to turn the story into a bloody Gomorrah of violence and perverted sex.
There are signs around
Funny. Dodo loves coincidences. And you've got one of them already.
great chapter!
i like jester, always a step ahead... oh i i saw you said called her "jester" before she introduced herself. not sure if you meant to do that but yeah. /)
2045344
Thank you.
You're right, that was a mistake. Fixed that. :P
Hoh boy. Ok. I'm going to give a rundown on my opinion for this as it is at the moment. Stick around 'till the end and I'll give some advice.
Let's start with the obvious, the main character. For the most part nothing's too bad about her, she's fairly interesting and with time and the right care she can turn into a three dimensional and interesting character. However, it's worth pointing out that the first few lines of your character can make or break them, if she isn't interesting enough at the beginning, readers will quickly lose interest. So far, that isn't too much of a problem, though to be honest she seems a little generic when compared to others works in the community. And, just to get this out of the way, she's a pegasus. According to FoE all the pegasi went above the cloud layer when Cloudsdale was hit, personally, I wouldn't think a pegasus would have ever gone into a stable. But this is up for debate, once again if this is handled carefully and with some explanations, it can pass.
One more thing, you have a minor issue with tenses. Nothing too major, and everything else is just about spot on. But, you seem to occasionally slip between past and present tenses. Nothing to be ashamed of really, I find myself in the same problem on many occasions. If you get a pre-reader, or hell, even an editor, this could be easily cleared up. Another thing is the text and dialogue. The paragraph style is a minor thing and I guess I'm nitpicking when I say it but... You should consider breaking the paragraphs up, it makes it a lot easier for a reader to look at and digest. Again, it's minor, and it may only be me, but you should consider it.
The narration style is a bit rushed, and hops very quickly from topic to topic as though the previous one was lit on fire. It jumps right into the next thing without any build, just slowing down in a scene and study the surroundings, characters, etc. Could vastly improve it. Again, this could be remedied with an editor.
But you have done a lot of things right with it. Many people when writing a side fic make the unfortunate mistake of having the protagonist a veteran of the wasteland, or at the very least experienced with it. You did well with making sure that your character started from a stable, but in the back of my mind, I wondered what experiment that this stable was meant to house, or if there was one. The setting for the story is also unique, taking place in the far north. Now, this could be a very interesting location, with the snowy setting, mountainous terrain and nuclear fallout in the environment, I could find myself becoming deeply invested in the location. Perhaps you could even have some hints with what became of the Crystal Empire.
Finally, the characters and plot are unique. A half zebra and pegasus duo looking for artifacts of the past. That's something I can honestly say has solemn been done before, if handled carefully, it could be of interest to many viewers. After that, you just have the issues I stated above and you'd be on your way to a very good side story. You should probably consider getting some form of editor or editors if you already have one.
Keep in mind, when I rip into your story or anyone else's, it's nothing personal. I find it more effective if I point out the flaws before getting to the good parts, since people tend to look at that part first. And I do like where the story is heading, I just think it could use a little work. There is no such thing as a perfect story and even the best of them have issues, you smooth over yours and people will appreciate you more.
Cheers!
2069006
Hell yes! The reviews like this make me wish to go on and do better!
As for the formatting and tenses - I blame my lacking knowledge of english, and I really could use a native english-speaking editor. Say, formatting is a pain in the ass even in my own language, let alone english. I use original FoE as an example, but my decision to omit paragraph breaks was apparently a mistake, okay. Will fix that.
As for "stable pegasus" thing... We all know original FoE had been written prior to Season Two which introduced Baby Cakes genetic entanglement. So we decided to exploit this plot twist and make Dodo a pegasus born from a unicorn and an earth pony parents. This raises some interesting morality questions which we will most probably expand on.
And as for experience... As for me, I usually met only novice protagonists, naive and incapable, like children. So we decided to make Dodo not-so-naive and more skilled than a your average Stable-dweller.
As for Crystal Empire. There is another russian story called "Frozen Shores". Unfortunately, it is not yet translated to english and not even finished. It combines FoE universe with "Where The World Ends" " universe. It involves the "Ley Lines" and expands on the fate of Crystal Empire. We will try our best to combine both stories into a continuous setting, so you may expect to hear some news from the Crystal Walley. Briefly.
*Squeeee!* Totally gonna read this. Thanks man!
Good chapter! though the wording was confusing at some parts
I'll help with the editing, though I'm not sure how much of a help I'd be
Хеллоу зере, аур фейтфул ридер.
Хоуп ю хэв рэд Яussiаи вершн туу? )))
Great chapter. i really enjoyed it. but i noticed a part that is kinda weird.
"what if my family was a couple of raiders " if they make families at all? "
there is a random quotation mark
2248220 Thank you! Fixed. :)
2244991
Не "он", а "ин инглиш".
Автор, если нужна еще помощь с переводом русский -> английский, чирикни на svetomech@gmail.com
This a "Mountains Of Madness" Story?
I minor catch of sorts "However, I already knew hos to use it." I figured you meant how? But nice to see a story in more cold regions.
if you need a native English speaker to help with editing i would be happy to help
wow this story so fare is getting good cant wait to get to the next part
this story is so awesome cant wait to see what's next
WOW JUST WOW that one was super cool and i would like to volunteer to help out with your editing
this one was amazing cant wait to see more
No offense to author, but rhetorically speaking: why are stable ponies so dense? Have they never heard of lockpicks or conceived of trying other pieces of metal in locks? If you put in a metal key, surely another piece of metal might work?
So far so good. Interesting story I suppose. Pity FIMFiction doesn't do automatic translation, so I could read the rest of the comments.
Havn't even started yet but in the description
Should be Faction yeah? sorry I just have an eye for spelling errors
"I'm so hungry" or "I am so hungry"
You're doing pretty good work translating.
Ahhhh ;v; beautiful...
I'm curious, but when is the next chapter released?
I really want to start reading, and this seems good, but I really wonder if this have been abandoned or not.
From a Fallout: Equestria fan
5950944 Lol, it's actually is a Russian story. They're just a little lazy to actually translate it. Already has 14 chapters
cant wait for more of this to get translated!
Okay this is now in the running for best Chapter of any fic i have ever read. While your English could use a little work, especially on the cuss words, I could not help but smile through the entire thing.
Okay, so I am greatly pleased with this story! Now I can't translate but I am an Editor in my spare time, if you need someone who speaks English, both old and new, I'll be here!
Rate for the story so far-
8/10
mlp.bartstuff.eu/mlp-acute.png
Only one critique, while i know you don't speak English very well, there are plenty of errors. My recommendation, translate it and then send it off to an Editor so they can correct any mistakes you may have made. (Now take into account what I said above, before I say this here: For someone who claims to not speak English well, the mistakes you have made have not confused me, if anything what I find most enjoyable in this is the plot line and character development.)
Story has been added to Favorites listing!
When the next chapter will be posted??
Or is this story dead??
PSA: the original story (in Russian) is now finished: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DdHICaql3YLBzpGp_RI19cPfufqO0Y7swEj91Jx4WZ8
Will you finish translating this story. Please?