Scattershot
Joined 21st Dec, 2012 ·
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Not bad.
Needs the crossover tag though.
NICE ending!
I hope that Sleet survives and kills her brother
Because no others have said it, welcome to the Fo:E herd
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Thank you! Its wonderful to be here
2013643
Don't worry, there will be moar! College consumes a lot of my time and Far Cry 3 is a hell of a drug, but progress is being made!
Great story you have here! Always good to see more ex-Enclave stories, especially up north!
spotted a few typos, though nothing major.
also, you can safely ignore some of the downvotes, there are a couple of trolls/haters who downvote every FO:E fic
I am really liking this. Thanks for writing it.
Very good chapter I have a thing for enclave pony fics.
Great chapter nice to see the use of crystal ponies.
towards the end its almost exactly like the original FO:E you sir are good at making stories
That was pretty good. I'm surprised at how much I'm liking reading this character because on the surface she seems kinda bland and over powered, but as the story progresses you see that she's kind of an idiot, she's practically useless in a fight, being frail, clumsy and a terrible shot (other than her power), and she's refreshingly ruthless in some ways. I didn't like her at first, but I like her now, and I can easily see her becoming more interesting as the story progresses.
I don't know how you're planning this, but I'd like to see a character arc heading in the opposite direction of most of the FO:E character arcs. That's to say, the wasteland changes them into better stronger ponies, but here its already set up in such a way that she seems less angled towards being a hero, and more towards toughening up, learning to get over herself, discarding some of her notions of right and wrong, and just learning to do what she needs to do to save the Wasteland. Screw the Enclave and all her old loyaltys and even her new friends if she has to, her cause is higher than that. A character arc that focuses on her learning to be ruthless and uncompromising in her goals. I don't know if you're heading that way, but the story feels set up for that character arc perfectly, and it'd be a refreshing change of pace from a lot of the poorly written and frighteningly unoriginal FO:E slock that's kicking around these days.
Their are two issues I have with this story at the moment.
One is it feels pretty unoriginal. 'Memories' is probably the most popular example of a pegasus-cenctric FO:E fic, but the thing is I don't think that story's actually very good. But at least it was original in that it had a insane main character (even if she was bland in her insanity) with a premise that hadn't been done in FO:E before, and she had a unique(-ish) look with her robot claw, even if cybernetics had been done before (many times). This story on the other hand doesn't seem like it has anything new to bring to the table just yet. Sure it's pretty early in the story, but you need to do something soon to make it stand out. At the moment it feels like 'just another FO:E fic' rather than another potentially spectacular FO:E fic the way that Project Horizons and Heroes were. This sort of bring me to my next point.
My second issue is your narrators voice is pretty meh. This main character feels a little dull compared to the average FO:E hero. This isn't a serious problem just yet, it could actually work to your favor if done right, but it's an issue. Most writers take a while to find their character's 'true voice'. Both Project Horizons and the original FO:E started with fairly standard character narration near the begining, and towards the end was where it got more interesting and unique.
Heroes is the only FO:E fic I can think of that started with a great voice. Silver Storm was an idiot, and that comes across in the way she's written. She's short sharp and to the point, constantly defending her choices of wording and sounding like she's barely tolerating the audience's presence. It works great for her, and Silver's voice is the main reason I count Heroes as one of the three true greats, despite whatever EQD wants to say about Pink Eyes.
Getting back to this fic though, I can't really say there's anything about your characters voice that makes her stand out at all. It's something that will probably fix itself with time, but you need to do something to try and make your character feel and sound unique.
Littlepip was kinda interesting near the start of the original because she was playing straight man to the world. She seemed to be the only who realised how crazy the world was, and constantly pointed it out inside her own head. It didn't last the whole story, and it wasn't perfectly done, but it helped her feel more like an actual person telling the story as she remembers it, and not like a third person narrator with all the 'shes' and 'hes' swapped with 'Is' and 'Mes'. Blackjack near the start of Project Horizons felt oddly cheery and excited for someone in such a bad situation. She felt less like a normal pony in over her head, and more like someone who finally has the excuse they need to cut loose and have fun, whether that was by killing a bunch of things, or by playing hero whenever she got the chance. (It was also why chapter 6 was so brilliant because it gave the reader whiplash at the incredibly sudden serious change in tone and character for Blackjack).
Your character though, doesn't have anything to her voice that makes her feel even remotely special. You need to fix that somehow. She doesn't feel idealistic enough to be naive, she doesn't feel snarky enough to be sarcastic, she doesn't feel selfish enough to be an antihero, she doesn't feel emotional enough to be angsty, she just doesn't feel like anything. At the moment I like her, because she's horrendously ill-equipped for the Equestrian Wasteland. She's a terrible shot, she's much too trusting, she's out of shape and, best of all, she's kinda dumb. She's not a moron in the way that Silver Storm is, she just lacks wisdom and doesn't seem to have a lot of foresight or skill at connecting the dots the way Blackjack and Littlepip do. This, despite her ice powers, makes her feel like the least likely terrorist in Enclave history, and I think that's a good angle for you to work at. Make her more oblivious, more naive and out of her league. That way, when she develops more and learns the ins and outs of wasteland survival it feels like a bigger deal. Like I've said already, I'd love to see a ruthlessness character arc, where the main character becomes increasingly less idealistic and eventually becomes and outright anti-hero, but it's your call if you want to do that or not. I think it'd be awesome but it's your story.
TL:DR? (and I swear I will put my fist through this computer if you don't read all that)
Good points:
1)I like your main character.
2)I think a 'learning to be ruthless' character arc would serve this story well.
Bad points:
3)This story needs more originality
4)Your character's narration needs to sound more unique.
Anyway, that's a massive review I just wrote, and I seriously hope you read it. Looking forward to more of this.
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I actually share most of your concerns, Sleet's voice especially was nagging at me the whole time I was writing this chapter. Much like you said I couldn't shake the feeling that the narration wasn't "grabbing" enough. It's actually really nice knowing that others share this concern, it validates my own worries and means I have to really buckle down and fix them. Fortunately, I have a number of plot ideas cooking that will address the issue, hopefully to everyone's liking.
Thanks a ton for the review, and please don't hurt your computer
Good chapter.
You still really need to find yourself a pre-reader though. There weren't a lot of mistakes that I noticed, but they were there.
Ouch. That's a way to screw yourself over. Anything, what a start to a story! I know her mother's a sellout, but she's kinda of cornered. Freezing people and shattering them, even by accident, is awful drastic...
And freezing your entire town is worse still...
2734629
You're telling me. It's like the wastelands spawn raiders from underground in droves. Honestly I'd kinda like to see a story where someone settles down for a while and improves stuff before moving on. We have almost nutcase heros/heroines now I think.
2833093
Alive is a word for it. In the show Celestia says he was "turned to shadow", and since he was described as having a heart as black as night this says to me that Celestia and Luna destroyed his physical body and locked his soul away, which would would make him more of an independent spiritual entity than a physical pony. I'd love to get into a big long discussion about this, but I'm going to be exploring it later in the story and don't want to spoil anything. This happens annoyingly often, which is why I rarely reply to comments even though I really want to
3256905
Have you ever read the Artemis Fowl book series? I was going for something similar to the mesmer from that. It's not straight up mind control so much as it is magical hypnosis. She couldn't force them to do a chicken dance or something, they would just be inclined to agree with what she said. There are limits to it, and it is possible to resist her influence, so she couldn't just go around mind crushing everypony that ever disagreed with her. I know it seemed like she made Scout and Clarity into drooling puppets, but that's because she didn't do anything with the hypnotic state they were in. She essentially just made them go to sleep with their eyes open.
this is pretty damn good
So here I am just coming over from your other fic and looking at your stories and HOLY SHIT A FIC WITH 111.424 WORDS HOW'D I MISS THIS?
*looks at views*
*looks at word count*
*squints eyes*
*rechecks*
da... F.
This is so old and awesome and under rated and good. Atleast you are still writing stories! I suppose.
I would have expected a lockpicking skill to pop up :D
Wait, giest? Wasn't it geist? And why did you change the way you spelled giest geist giest mid story?
3632153
I may have forgotten the correct way of spelling it during the writing of those chapters, and accidentally told Microsoft Word both ways were correct so it didn't inform me of my own mistake. I thought I had gone back and standardized it, but apparently I missed a few, whoops
. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll have to go back through and make a couple fixes.
I don't remember Cat O’ Nine Tails but exterminate those Yeti's with extreme prejudice, anyways good chapter again
Well that was a depressing resolution to a chapter.
Been a while since I read this, but last chapter reminded me. It'd definitely be interesting to get a better sense for how Sleet really feels about the whole freeze the family to death thing. I mean, it was pretty clear that it wasn't what she meant to do and she'd have probably settled for offing Downpour or at least preventing him from killing her. That and hear about the circumstances of Scouts departure from some stable somewhere.
P.S.
Somepony died (well, some ghoul pony).
P.P.S
I've always found it odd that ghouls could die, given their sort of undead nature. Although, I suppose Canterlot Ghouls are a bit different still considering that they were exposed directly to necromantic energies rather than merely strong magical radiation.
Hmmm, comes off as a bit over powered with "town-freezing capabilities" but otherwise a good start.
I'd had just gone with the entire home. That'd have the same level of despair for Sleet and come off as more feasible... or as feasible as one can be with magical, talking ponies.
2794196 Heroes are almost always the default Protagonist one reads about. Its harder to craft a story that's both entertaining and well structured but not about someone saving the day.
4584908
Well that's nice, but how many times can the day really be saved in the exact same fashion before it starts to break plausibility?
2834681 If I had to use D&D terms, I'd say he was a demi-lich. He can totally reform his body, but usually is just a mass of dark dust. Much akin to Shadow...
Hmmm, interesting turn of events. Wonder how this will all turn out...
spelling error at the perk. other then that keep up the good work
4920603
Error corrected! Thank you for pointing that out, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
4567354 that may be true but it also shows the potential power she holds and with the knowledge of what she can do, make her reluctant to ever use that power again.
5037833 I'd have that very same reaction from freezing just my home & family solid. Just felt it was a bit much, that's all.
Hm. The Buffalo have weather magic? Or is it more general than that?
5037852
Sleet is a little indecisive on when to take advantage of the magic she has. Not wanting to lest you freeze anyone else to death is fine, but not taking advantage of it to save yourself is stupid. And, as the buffalo said, not knowing your limits is dangerous on either end.
Maybe Sleet should tell Cloud about the whole chip thing, so she can use it as a reason that Cloud might like her more than is sensible. Might be a bad idea, but give short term results. Also, sometimes she really could use to just have a conversation rather than dodging emotional moments.
P.S.
I don't know why all the FOE main characters need to have a hero complex and major personal issues. It'd be refreshing for once to have a main character of the 'shoot first, think later' variety or maybe whose failures aren't a lack of physical strength or competence. It also gets tiring how much they screw things up just by passing through.
When and where does King Sombra appear?
5162009
Chapter seven, most of the way through.
For curiosity's sake, is Sleet's father still around?
5190386
Yeah, he's still alive. He was the only member of her family not at the house at the time.
5190967
Hmm. Well, if they ever meet it will be very interesting. Hopefully it won't result in his death. I think it's hard enough for Sleet to know that she had to sacrifice her mother and both her brothers (no matter how annoying) plus anyone she knew to survive without having to kill her father too. If it comes to that, here's hoping she has managed enough skill to selectively freeze a pony's hooves/extremities. It's hard to shoot or act if you can't move. --- Of course, he's only got two options, he can be sorry for allowing her to be executed (almost) or mad at her for the loss of his wife and sons.
Poor, poor Clouds.
Shiny things are always traps. Even when they aren't. Hail Akbar!
I'm glad I caught up on this.
Hmm, a royal pipbuck... Unlock ALL THE DOORS!
Also, you've got it mixed up: authors are writing spaces to the editor!
I loved Sleet Gray from the Shadows in the Dark roleplay, so I decided to give the story a read. It's good so far, though a lot did happen in this chapter, and her freezing an entire town by accident does come off as a bit overpowered. Still good though; will continue to read.
5650444
The more I think about it, the more I call Chapter 1 my "I never planned on continuing this" chapter. I'll rewrite it one of these days, I swear!
Welcome to the H.E.V. mark IV protective system, for use in hazardous environment conditions.
High impact reactive armour activated
Atmospheric contaminant sensors activated
Vital sign monitoring activated
Automatic medical systems engaged
Defensive weapon selection system activated
Ammunition level monitoring activated
Communications interface online
Have a very safe day!
lol sry couldn't resist.
Well that was depressing. I think being dead or ghoulified is better than being reduced to magical water...
6075220 Nuuuuuuuuuuuu Puppysmiles dont put that suit on..... welp I tried