This year, Trixie's Hearth's Warming will involve a freak snowstorm, two Conponies, and high speed sleigh chases, all while being pursued by the Krampus.
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- Member Since 8th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen 17 hours ago
Mr. Grimm
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Mr. Grimm
Joined 8th Apr, 2012 ·
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1836082 Oh god...
You mean that little devil dude that rides sidecar on Santa's sleigh and eats all the little bad children? Metal.
Krampus.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120722150436/bindingofisaac/images/0/02/300x200-400px-Krapusedit.png
You have my attention, I will read.
I would like to say that I tried to give this Cover art, but I'm having some trouble. So here's what the Cover art was going to be.
2.bp.blogspot.com/--TgHz78Z-gg/Tvbl6TimBqI/AAAAAAAAArY/Hsb6emHtbpE/s1600/Krampus5.jpg
This story is amazing, beautifully written and a great ending...Queen Chrysalis meets Krampus...BRILLIANT!
The whole story was brilliant...
stubbornlynaive.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Slow-Clap.gif
First off, I was a little concerned about this fic -- mainly because of the image and the ‘dark’ tag -- but I was pleasantly surprised. There are a few things that I think need changing, but it was an enjoyable read. You have some excellent descriptive passages esp. the one describing the Krampus’ sleigh. I also thought Flim and Flam came across well, and were consistent with what little we know of them
General points:
I’d put a more obvious divider between the pony and Krampus sections (eg ===).
It’s rein, not reign (a reign is something Celestia does).
I don't think this really warrants the 'dark' tag.
Specifics: (this is where I get picky. Very picky. Contains spoilers!)
>But nothing, not even a raging blizzard such as this[comma] would keep her from making good on her promise this year.
>She’d made a promise to be home, and as a mare of her word, there was no choice but to fulfill it. ->this makes it sound like she doesn’t really want to go, which is at odds with the ending.
>Trixie looked
back aheaddown the country road,>Trixie [cringed]
winced, taking a step back into her hoof prints.-> 2nd half is also a bit awkward.This paragraph is a bit out of order, I think it would make more sense if:
>They became clear as she noticed the faint wisps that entered the air when she breathed. The mare’s eyes widened in horrific realization as she looked back to the looming shape. A pair of burning orange eyes blinked at her, flickering like hot coals in their sockets. Freezing air bit at Trixie’s tongue as her mouth fell open in shock.
Becomes...
>They became clear as [a pair of burning orange eyes blinked at her from near the top of the creature, flickering like hot coals in their sockets.]
she the noticed the faint wisps that entered the air when she breathed. The mare’s eyes widened in horrific realization as she [stared] looked back [at] to the looming shape. Freezing air bit at Trixie’s tongue as her mouth fell open in shock.Also, how big is this thing? You never really say.
> The sight of its hideous form [was]
still stoodstrong in her memory,> feeling the [wind]
draftof the new creature as it roared past> and slowly[no comma needed] her fear grew weaker and weaker,
>She felt a [faint] desire to move, to get up and keep running.
> It took a moment before she [felt] emotion again.
> Naturally[no comma needed] Trixie had schemed with them before,
> “Jeez, really?” muttered Flim, ->a more Equestrian bit of slang would be better
> “I’ve no doubt, brother,” replied his twin, -> perhaps ‘brother of mine’?
> The burning eyes were now closed; [their fire] extinguished.
> A furious growl entered the night air on a trail of vapor that emerged from a toothy snarl. -> awkward sentence
> An [evil]
atrocioussmirk spread across his muzzle -> word not appropriate> Every waking moment she would look back out through the little window to look down the road behind them, -> awkward sentence
>Trixie watched as the shapes galloped relentlessly
aheadinto the icy winds>It [raced]
soaredacross the snow on iron runners [that were] blotched with patches of crumbling rust,>Trixie seemed to notice about the sled was [the] its terrible, hunched figure
>barking rabidly at the Flimflam [brother’s] invention
>“It’s him…” she confirmed, her voice barely a whisper. She’d barely gotten the words out of her mouth before the
brothers erupted in a flurry of motion. -> extra carriage return
>A silhouette of a huge sleigh and [its]
it’stwisted driver>bordering the edge of the road just long enough to dodge the attack -> I know what you mean, but the phrase doesn’t make sense
>The mare would have smiled at such a sight[comma] as it was one from her childhood,
>glancing back at the [snarling]
sneeringcreature -> word not appropriate>who’s ever been bad!” she spat, “And that would most certainly ->’and’ should be lower case
>hideous face of the Krampus,
hermouth dropping open>could only manage a low
lywhine as the beast stooped>cracked his whip, flinching as they looked
aheadat the creature>sometimes catching [glimpses]
glancesof beautiful trees looming in the windows>“They won’t,” she said, “Mom always makes too much ->’mom’ should be lower case
Knew I'd forget something. You had Trixie speak in a 'normal' voice, rather than 3rd person-was that intended?
Sorry if my previous post appears overly critical, I really did enjoy the story.
1981614
Oh, not at all. I really appreciate your comment, I don't usually get responses as professional as yours. (I should be apologizing for how minimalist my critique looks.)
And I'm not surprised you found so many points, I don't have an editor except myself, and I'm not very good at it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story.